the plight of the homework avoider

it's not just laziness

Here's the Problem

I was at the gym the other day talking to a group of parents while waiting for our spin class to begin. I asked them, “What hot-button issue are you having with your teens?” With resounding unanimity and gusto, they said, “HOMEWORK.” Some things never change. Homework avoidance has been an issue between parents and kids since homework was invented. Truly, doing something that isn't fun isn't fun!

Back when those teens were in elementary school, they loved doing homework. Homework was fun. It makes a kid feel a little grown up. It was usually project-oriented and gave them a chance to tap into some creativity. Most important, it pleased their parents when they did it. Elementary school kids are developmentally wired to want to please their parents. But teenagers? Not so much.

Why It's a Problem

Here is what's behind homework avoidance:

• It's usually boring; no more building dioramas.
• It's often hard. Schoolwork gets more challenging in middle and high school, and it's a rude awakening not to feel smart all the time. Especially if you have a teen that breezed through elementary or middle school having to do almost no homework. Getting good grades was easy breezy!
• It's cumulative. Perhaps a few assignments have been missed, and now they are in the deep, dark hole of being behind, feeling like they'll never be able to catch up. Better to just avoid altogether.
• Fear of failure. Many teens worry that their work is just not good enough. Perhaps they are perfectionists. If they don't do it at all, then they won't be exposed for being “dumb” or not as smart as people think or expect them to be.
• They're tired. Days get really long with after-school activities, jobs, and sports. Homework requires a level of concentration that can feel daunting and exhausting.
• And most important, drum roll please, they want to “hang” with their friends, even if it's a virtual hang.

This is a lot for parents to battle against. Most of it isn't what you actually see when you walk into your teen's room. These are the invisible issues. What you do see is multiple screens on the computer, the phone in your teen's lap, fingers tapping away in conversation, a downloaded TV show or movie playing on their iPhone or iTouch, and yes, there may be a textbook open somewhere in there. The underlying feelings of frustration, anxiety, and boredom are cloaked by the copious amounts of avoidance behaviors.

Here's the Solution

First of all, close your eyes and visualize yourself at this age. How many of you eagerly sat down to do homework? I have visceral memories myself, dragging the phone with its long cord (I'm old) into my room and whispering away for what must have been hours to my seven best friends. Keep in your mind your own experience of “homework” before you criticize your teens for their lack of attention to what you know is the most important thing they should be doing.

Your tendency may be to storm into your teen's room and in a disgusted voice yell, “Get off that damn phone and shut down Facebook or I am taking both away! Either you do your homework and get your priorities straight or [fill in the blank here with your threat du jour].” But you can go another way and say, “I get how boring some of this stuff is” or “I know this math [or this French or this chemistry or biology] is really tough, and I know you have a lot going on in your life these days. It must be hard to focus on your homework.” Or (this is especially for the kids who may have ADD or ADHD) “I know how hard it is for you to have to sit and concentrate on all this stuff at one time.” Let them know that you get that this is hard, frustrating, boring etc., AND that there is nothing wrong with them for feeling this way. When teens feel understood, it frees them up to listen and become an active participant in the process. Then you can get to the planning piece. You can say, “Let's figure this out so we don't have to argue about it every night. We can't change that you have homework and that we expect you to do it, but we can figure out a way that works for you.” If you're worried that this homework thing is a chronic problem, make sure you communicate regularly with the teacher. Emailing at the end of the week to find out about missing homework gives you a leg up on the “I did it” avoidance technique for many kids.

If your teen is a procrastinator and has dug a “homework hole,” you might consider hiring a “homework buddy.” These can be high school students for your middle schoolers or college students for your high schoolers. They are not tutors. These older “mentors” can be helpful in structuring your teen's homework time and motivating her to do the work. Why? Because they aren't your teen's parents!

I suggest that they pick your teen up after school or early evening and take him to the public library, where there are usually study rooms. Try to schedule them to come at least two or three times a week for hour-and-a-half sessions. Their job primarily is to sit with the teen during homework and be available for help if it's needed. Having a homework buddy helps your teen to develop homework routines and rituals, important strategies for homework success. It reframes homework from a lonely, isolating, boring experience to something your teen will look forward to. Having a homework buddy who doesn't judge or express disappointment can free teens up to figure out what gets in their own way in completing assignments. A visit to Starbucks for a mochaccino after homework doesn't hurt either!

Maybe your teen can't sit for two hours at a time. Work out a plan where he works in the kitchen for 30 minutes, without phone and computer, and then takes a 15-minute break to chat with friends. Many phone carriers and Internet companies have parental control programs where you can program phones and computers like DVRs, scheduling when they are on or off. This is a great tool because you and your teen can come up with a schedule together, and it takes away all the arguing to turn off the phone or get off Facebook. The bottom line is you want to avoid the power struggle of “Do your homework!” versus “You can't make me!”

Which, by the way, is actually true. If teens think that parents are trying to MAKE them do something, they will do everything in their power to show their parents just how powerless they are by just not doing it. Understanding them and planning with them teaches them to look at what gets in their way to do what they need to do and to figure out strategies that can support them. This is a life skill they'll need to take with them in the next phase of their lives. If parents take control of how and when teens do or don't do their homework, the teens will never learn how to manage all the distractions of life that are coming their way.