eenie, meenie, miney mo, to which college should I go?

a roadmap for decision making

Here's the Problem

It's that time of year when high school seniors, after receiving either a “thick or thin” envelope, have all the information they need to make this difficult decision: Here's who accepted me. Now where do I go? How easy this decision would be if there were only just one criterion: Which one do I like best? Unfortunately, due to today's financial climate, other more pressing questions must be answered: Which college is the least expensive? How far is it from home and what are the transportation costs? And most important, what's the financial aid package?

Prospective college students may still be stuck on question one. They're looking through the prism of an image they've created for themselves of living in the dorm, lolling about on the campus, and perhaps joining a fraternity or sorority whose house they saw during the college tour. They may have a favorite and are stubbornly sticking to the fantasy of attending that college and that college only. Much to your chagrin, this is the college that's the most expensive, has given no financial aid, and is the farthest away, making traveling home for spontaneous weekends impossible. Your heart is breaking. On the one hand, you want so much to be able to give your child what he wants. You've bought into the fantasy, and perhaps over the year you've participated in discussions that gave your teen the message that you supported this choice. But now reality has met fantasy.

In addition, your teen probably hasn't given much thought to what it really means to go to a small school versus a big school, a city school versus a rural school, a school where being in a sorority or fraternity is the only gateway to all that's social, a really cold climate versus a warm one, etc. I have worked with many parents whose teens had miserable first semesters at their “favorite” colleges and came back home to work until they could transfer to a school that was a better fit. Sometimes this can be avoided if you help your teen to ask the right kinds of questions before making this big decision.

Why It's a Problem

Teens are ruled by emotionality, not practicality; by fantasy, not reality. Most high school seniors are clueless about the financial costs of college, unless it's been clear from the very beginning of the college search that they would have some financial responsibility. For many kids, college is seen as an entitlement. It's just something you do. They don't give much thought to the dollars and “sense” of it. Many parents feel uncomfortable sharing their financial information with their children and choose not to talk about the money aspect. But when those envelopes appear in the mailbox, the reality of what the next four years are going to cost hits.

The fighting begins. You assume your senior will understand the hard facts and be grateful to you for paying for college at all. Though disappointed that he can't go to his favorite school, he'll understand that this is reality and he'll know he will be happy somewhere else. Ah, if it were just that easy. But they won't understand. In this moment, they're not thinking about you and your financial pressure, or the two sisters coming up behind him that have college in their future and will also need your financial support. Teens don't get the sacrifices most families have to make for their kids to go to college. They are selfishly thinking only of themselves. They are self-centered because teens are naturally that way and also because of the myriad of emotions they're feeling now that college is a reality. These feelings can interfere with rational decision making, especially after a “thick” envelope arrives in the mail.

Here's the Solution

First, understand with them how stressful this time is. “I get that you have so many things on your mind. It's going to be hard to leave your friends and start over. Even though we annoy you, I know you'll miss being home, and starting somewhere new is both exciting and scary. We get all that, and we know that this all plays into your decision about where you want to go to school. In order to make this decision together we have to get past the emotional weight, which is how much you love the school, and look at the reality of it.”

The first order of business is discussing the financial piece. This can begin the elimination process. If distance is an issue, have your senior go online and find the price of travel back and forth to this school. Have her look at how many times she anticipates making this trip and put that dollar amount on the list. In addition, add in tuition, room and board costs, spending money costs, etc. Go through this same procedure for all accepted schools, including any financial aid that's been awarded. Look at these final amounts together and put down the dollar amount you feel you can contribute. Where there's a shortfall at a school, perhaps at her “favorite” school, ask your senior how she proposes to make up the difference. This is an important discussion and process to go through with your teen. Rather than just saying something is too expensive, or too impractical, make her an active participant in the nuts-and-bolts calculations.

When you have a list of financially affordable schools, go through each with a fine-tooth comb. Play devil's advocate and offer real-life scenarios that—given a particular college's size, location, population, cost, etc.—could impact your teen's life should she choose that school. The college ordeal is almost over, and this last piece of investigation may be your most important. You're teaching your teen to take ownership over this very important decision. It's probably the biggest decision your teen will ever make. How it is made will impact the next four years of your teen's life.