finding the bliss with your teen

treasuring the time

Here's the Problem

I know that some of this book is scary. The “stories” I've shared probably mirror some of your own experiences as a parent of a teen: spending a lot of your time and energy staying on top of your teen's academic life, social life, family life, use (and abuse) of technology, and their burgeoning sexuality, just to name a few. I think we often forget to take the time to “stop and smell the roses.” Your teen is in full bloom (to continue with the flower metaphor), and I know you take pleasure in this process of “becoming.” But it's hard not to get caught up in trying to keep the weeds out of the garden!

Why It's a Problem

Whenever I do a coaching session with parents, obviously we're spending the time looking at the negative: My teen has an attitude, my teen is lazy, my teen won't do his homework, my teen lies, my teen…fill in the blank. At the end of every session I always ask the parents to tell me what they like, admire, and love about their teen. It's important to help balance the difficult with the joy.

One parent, whose son was doing badly in school, putting in no effort, told me how proud she was of his ability to be independent, taking public transportation back and forth daily into the city from the suburbs to pursue his passion and interest in sailing. She had been solely focused on his lack of motivation for school, worried that he would be unmotivated and unsuccessful in life. It was important for her to recognize that when her son found something he loved, his motivation and persistence was amazing.

Another parent, discouraged by her daughter's sneakiness and lack of effort in school, told me of how funny her daughter is and how people are drawn to her. This girl has a significant medical problem that she's had to manage, has some learning challenges, and is doing the best she can under difficult circumstances. Mom needed to respect those challenges and her daughter's efforts in just managing her day-to-day life.

Another parent, after spending an hour venting about all the things her son isn't doing, then told me about his love of music and theater. After moving to a new high school, where he knew no one, he had found his place pursuing these interests and making new friends. This showed a promising resilience to change.

And finally the parents who have very high expectations for their daughter academically, which the daughter meets. They have goals for her to pursue her musical talent, playing in an invitation-only orchestra, which the daughter meets. But these parents also have high expectations that she will do chores, keep her room clean, and be perfectly respectful to her parents at all times. In these matters she is less than perfect. And it's these things on which her parents focus, rather than on the qualities of hard work and discipline this teen exemplifies.

Here's the Solution

Are you getting the message? No kid is perfect, not even yours. Perhaps your teen is engaging in risky behaviors that are scaring the hell out of you, or he won't talk to you, or he isn't even trying to reach for his potential, or he's generally unlikable. It's probably been hard to find the joy in the relationship. Believe me, your teen gets your disappointment. And when this disappointment feels pervasive in your relationship, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. “If my parents think I'm a loser, then I might as well start being a loser!” It's important to break the cycle.

Maybe you can leave a card or send a text to your teen saying, “I know things have been hard for us lately. I just want to say I love you and I know we'll figure it out.” Maybe say something to her that shows you do notice the small stuff. “You're so lucky to have so many wonderful friends in your life. I've noticed what a wonderful way you have with people.” Or “You're one funny guy.” Teens needs to know that in spite of the hard stuff between you, you love and appreciate who they are and who you know they'll become. Don't we all need that?

Your teen is becoming a whole new person. It's an exciting and wondrous process and you want to be a part of it! Going to their games and cheering them on, being in the audience for their concerts and plays or art exhibitions, are important ways to support and show your love. But just as important is the time you share with your teen. If you have a teen with a passion for music, go to concerts with him, listen to his music with him, get to know him through his music. If you have a teen addicted to video games, get into the game! Play with her, create a character with her, and get to know her through her fantasy. If you have a teen obsessed with reality TV shows, or shows you deem stupid, get on the couch with him, and get to know him through the characters he loves. No judgment or sarcasm allowed!

Finding the bliss with your teen means relinquishing “I wish you were more ________” in favor of “I'd like to get to know you better.” You might even learn something new about yourself. What a gift! Take some time now to think and write about what makes your teen special and wonderful. And in those moments when you think you can't take it anymore, pull out this list, take a deep breath, and feel the wondrous person that is your teen.