Introduction

Among today’s books, whether on actual or virtual shelves, you’ll find many titles that provide tips and techniques on how to care for and cope with an aging and ultimately dying parent.

Typically, these self-help books are designed to assist adult children who have been confronted by unexpected crises that disrupt their parents’ lives: physical, such as a broken hip or a diagnosis of life-threatening illness; financial, such as a sudden spike in medical expenses or unexpected decline in net worth; or psychological, such as the emergence of mental illness or the onslaught of dementia.

The problem is that these books focus on what adult children should do after a parental crisis hits. While this reactive approach is necessary in coping with the challenges that occur in front of you, it is built on the assumption that the crisis is the children’s cross to bear and that the parents have become innocent bystanders. Further, this problem-solution mindset ignores the long-term emotional consequences that can subvert both sides of the family relationship.

On the one hand, adult children can become overwhelmed by the depth and breadth of responsibilities and the emotional stress of guessing—and being second-guessed about—what their parents would want done in a given situation. On the other hand, their aging parents’ last years can be made miserable by the resentments associated with their loss of control over day-to-day living and their feelings of embarrassment and failure at becoming a burden on their kids.

Preempt the Crisis

The Other Talk takes the polar opposite approach from all those books that tell adult children how to cope with failing, incompetent parents.

First, it places the responsibility for taking action directly in your hands. It’s important that you—the parents, not the kids—handle this. By adopting this preemptive, collaborative mindset, you will actually empower every member of your family (you as well as your children) for the events that lie ahead.

Second, it takes a proactive approach by helping you prepare for the various decisions and actions that will eventually need to be taken, rather than waiting for the next unexpected (although often predictable) crisis to envelop your family.

Clearly, no one knows how the last sentence of one’s life will be written—how and when declining health and death will occur. But we all know with a fair amount of certainty what issues will arise and the decisions that will need to be made.

I believe the answer is that parents need to take the initiative to have what I call “the Other Talk” with their kids. While they are still physically and mentally able to lead that discussion, parents need to sit the family down and walk through the four essentials:

1. Financing your uncertain future. How do you budget for unknown needs and an uncertain length of time?

2. Selecting the best living arrangements. Will you, and if so when will you, move out of your home to some form of assisted living?

3. Getting the medical care you need. Who will advocate for your medical needs, and how?

4. Taking charge at the end of your life. How do you want your kids to start taking over decision making when you no longer can?

The ultimate goal here is to provide you with the tools and a road map to successfully engage your own kids in the Other Talk. First, I’ll help you overcome the emotional hurdles that will present themselves when you address your eventual demise and explore the role reversal that you and your kids will experience. Second, I’ll provide concepts and techniques that will help you and your family thoroughly understand and prepare for the facts of life for this stage of your life.

Why I Wrote This Book

Throughout my career as a marketing manager, I have focused my energies and attention on understanding and addressing the needs, wants, and challenges of the baby boom generation—my generation—for a variety of national and international organizations.

In the past 15 years while I have been running a strategic marketing consultancy, I have honed in on eldercare and end-of-life issues. What drove me to write this book?

1. The hundreds of interviews I conducted with people who are (like me) currently in their fifties and sixties to determine the perceptions, attitudes, and mindset that this unique generation brings to the various decisions at the end of life. One clear message was that we do not want our kids to suffer through the same frustrations, arguments, and unpleasant surprises that we experienced with our parents.

2. The tug-of-war in 2005 between Terri Schiavo’s husband and her parents over what she wanted done at the end of her life.

3. The rapidly declining health of my own parents, and along with it, the escalating frustrations and financial crises created by our family’s lack of communication.

4. A “perfect storm” that has been brewing in geriatric care in recent years, scheduled to hit us just as we reach 65:

More people. The 65-and-older population will grow more than 60 percent between now and 2025.

Longer lives. Today’s 65-year-olds will likely live, on average, for another 18.5 years.

Fewer medical professionals. The supply of internists, geriatric doctors, and nurses is declining.

You and your kids need to start preparing. You should have the Other Talk now, and then you need to keep on talking.

This book is the catalyst that can get you there.