Appreciative Living: Using AI in Daily Life

By Jacqueline Kelm

Mahatma Gandhi said we need to “be the change we wish to see in the world.” But what does it mean to “be” Appreciative Inquiry? How do you “walk the talk”? How do you integrate AI so completely into your personal experience that it becomes who you are, rather than simply the 5-D process you follow?

I’m Jackie Kelm, and I’ve devoted the past ten years researching, applying, and writing about Appreciative Inquiry as it applies to personal living. It has transformed every area of my life from improving difficult relationships to creating the business of my dreams. If you have witnessed Appreciative Inquiry in action, you know its incredible power to transform the bleakest of organizational situations. When you apply this philosophy to your own life, the results are even more astounding! You not only gain the ability to transform personal issues and move toward your dreams, but your natural perspective and outlook shift to see the world anew “through appreciative eyes.” This new perspective will allow you to experience greater joy than ever before, while simultaneously opening new possibilities for how you can apply AI organizationally beyond the 5-D cycle.

In this case story I’m going to explain a three-step process you can use to integrate AI into daily living. I will also share stories of how two different people used this process to deal with two common life challenges: grief and job stress. But first, let’s take a look at the theory underlying this approach.

The Principles of Appreciative Inquiry

My exploration into applying AI at the individual level began by intensely researching, practicing, and personally applying the five original AI principles created by David Cooperrider under the guidance of Suresh Srivastva (Cooperrider, Whitney, & Stavros, 2003). I then expanded into complementary fields such as positive psychology and the new sciences and summarized it all in my first book, Appreciative Living: The Principles of AI in Personal Life (Kelm, 2009). Below is a summary of each principle and the essence of what it means to apply it individually.

The AI Principles Applied to Personal Living

The Constructionist Principle: Reality and Identity Are Co-Created

• We construct stories together with our thinking about what happens and who we are.
• Our story is one perspective, and there are an infinite number of perspectives.

The Poetic Principle: Whatever We Focus on Grows

• We have poetic license to create, interpret, and focus our stories, and whatever we focus on expands.
• There is always a positive side to any situation or person, but we have to choose to find it.

The Simultaneity Principle: Questions Ignite Change

• We anticipate what the future will be like by forming pictures in our minds, and then we live into those images.
• We can deliberately change the future by visualizing what we want.

The Anticipatory Principle: We Live into Our Future Images

• The moment we ask about something we simultaneously begin to move toward it.
• Questions are a powerful tool for positive change.

The Positive Principle: Think Good to Feel Good

• Focusing on positive aspects creates positive upward spirals.
• Building on strengths provides greater leverage for change than fixing weaknesses.

From the Appreciative Living Learning Circle Participant Guide, page 9.

These five AI principles form the theoretical foundation on which Appreciative Living is based, and the underlying concepts are extensive. In order to make it easy for people to apply these principles practically in daily living, I created the AIA three-step model.

There are two examples I want to share that illustrate the use of the three-step model and the AI principles. Below is an overview of each story to give you some context for detailed discussions that will follow. The first one is from Brenda:

“My mother very unexpectedly passed away in May of last year. She was scheduled to move into our mother-in-law suite in three weeks, so the shock of her death was a major part of my grieving process. I attended grief workshops, read books on grieving, prayed to God, and talked to our friends and family. However, nothing could relieve the pain of my suffering.

“When we signed up for the Appreciative Living Learning Circle through our church this year, I had no idea that it would be the solution I was seeking to understand this dynamic woman’s death. By applying the principles and doing the exercises in Jackie’s Joy of Appreciative Living (Kelm, 2009), I was forced to examine the positive elements of Mom’s death instead of focusing on the loss. While I admit it took several attempts to do this, both sides of the curtain did ‘open up’ and give me a full ‘view’ of both sides of the loss.

“This brought the peace I had been seeking and the understanding that you can accept the loss of a family member you loved with all of your heart. These principles are the keys to having joy in your life again.”

The second story is from Gene:

“I have been having excruciating problems at work with a new administration. This negative style has turned a largely happy institution into one where morale is down, people are leaving, and many are just plain going through the motions.

“The Appreciative Living exercises have kept my spirits higher and my joy greater than I would have ever expected under the circumstances. The daily reflection on what brings me joy got me to consciously focus on my level of joy and to make a commitment to do something about it.

“I am now in my last few days of work at this institution. I will leave at the end of the month, and I am delighted by the prospects.”

Gene wrote this passage two years ago, and ended up starting his own business after leaving the company he worked for at the time. He credits the appreciative exercises for helping him make the move, and his business continues to do well two years later despite the troubled economy.

Both Gene and Brenda were able to use Appreciative Living to transform very different situations, and next I’ll share the details of what they did and how the process works.

The AIA Three-Step Process

The Appreciating-Imagining-Acting (AIA) Process shown in Figure 5.1 is a simple way to integrate the principles of AI in personal life, and has been used by hundreds of people to create more joy. The steps are not linear and can be worked in any order. A summary follows (Kelm, 2005):

Appreciating What Is

For ease of understanding, it is helpful to think of the steps in order. To this end, I speak of the first step in the AIA process as “Appreciating What Is.”

This first step suggests we look for something to appreciate, the available learning, and the positive possibilities of whatever is showing up in our present experience. We know we are successful with this step when we begin to feel good about the situation, or at least feel better.

In Brenda’s case, her mother was a dynamic eighty-five-year-old woman who gave cooking demonstrations regularly and was training for a 5K race just before she passed away. They were very close, talked to each other every day, and Brenda was excited her mother was coming to live with her shortly. When her mother died unexpectedly during a routine surgical operation, Brenda was stunned and angry.

She knew the first step was to “Appreciate What Is,” but at first she could not see any good in this situation. She continued trying to find something to appreciate, and eventually she saw a small ray of light. She reflected on the random times her mom would refer to death, and how it was always in a very positive way. Brenda said her mom liked to sing, and when Brenda would tell her she was off-key, her mom would reply it was OK because she was going to sing like an angel when she got to heaven. This memory made Brenda smile and brought a tiny bit of relief.

Brenda continued looking for something good and remembered that her mom would cite Biblical scriptures and talk about the riches of heaven. Brenda believed her mom thought heaven was a wonderful place, and she felt better thinking about her being in a place she enjoyed. Doing the first step brought Brenda some relief from her intense grief and allowed her to move on to the other steps.

Gene’s First Step

Gene was also able to “Appreciate What Is” about his difficult work situation in a slightly different way. He began by listing three things each day he appreciated about his life in general. Examples he found included his wife and family, nature, and simple pleasures such as laughter and sunsets. The more he appreciated the good things in his life, the better he began to feel.

The second exercise he did was to look for one small way to increase his joy each day. He came up with ideas such as hugging his family, reaching out to others, and being of service. As he engaged in these activities, he really started feeling better, and these improved feelings flowed over into his work experience.

Gene and Brenda were able to feel better in the midst of difficult situations by choosing to find a way to “Appreciate What Is.” This is the goal of the first step in the AIA process.

Imagining the Ideal

The second step in the AIA process is “Imagining the Ideal.” The essence of this step is to picture the way you want things to be, which acts like a beacon to guide your actions. On a grand scale, it might be creating a life vision. On a small scale it might be taking a few minutes before a meeting to close your eyes and picture it running smoothly. In either case, you create a mental image of what you want most or what things would look like if they were exactly as you would have them.

In Brenda’s situation, she visualized her mom being happy on the other side in ways her mom had described while still alive. She found a sense of humor helpful, and regularly pictured her mom singing at the top of her lungs and prancing around up in heaven. Her mom was very proud of how beautiful she was for her age before she died, and Brenda imagined her looking beautiful forever. It made her smile to think of her mom singing happily and beautiful, and it helped release the anger she was feeling over her loss.

In Gene’s case, he did a formal, written visualization each week of his ideal, joy-filled life. He included such things as, “My work is meaningful and appreciated,” “Life is good,” and “My ability to bring laughter, self-confidence, positive attitude, and positive growth to others brings me to a higher level of spiritual development than I had ever imagined.”

These weekly visions helped Gene clarify what he really wanted in his life, and became the beacons that guided his actions. For Brenda, the vision served to ease her worries about her mom, and imagine her in an uplifting way. Both were “Imaging the Ideal” in the unique ways that best served their situations.

Acting in Alignment

The last step in the AIA process is “Acting in Alignment,” which means taking action to think or behave in ways that are consistent with what you want most. The action does not have to be physical and can be a change in thinking that comes about from doing an appreciative exercise.

In Brenda’s situation, she chose to take action to deal with the guilt she was feeling over her mom’s death. She was deeply regretting all the times her mom had asked her to come over or do something but she was too busy. She also felt like she should have done more regarding the surgery and that there was something she missed or should have done to prevent her death.

Brenda realized she has been ruminating on and feeling guilty for all the things she had NOT done for her Mom, so she decided to turn it around and make an appreciative list of all the things she HAD done for her when she was alive. The more she looked, the more she found, and she came to realize she had in fact done an awful lot. After doing the exercise for a period of time, the guilt started melting away and she truly began to feel better.

In Gene’s case, he took major action. He realized in his visions how important joy was and that he would never have it with his current employer. So he left the company he was in and started his own business.

Both Brenda and Gene created major transformations by using the three-step process to look at their situations through “appreciative eyes.” Gene created a whole new business out of a hopeless job situation, and Brenda was able to move on from intense grief over the loss of her mom and get on with her life.

Summary

In this case story I presented two examples of how the AIA three-step process can be used to apply the Appreciative Inquiry principles to any situation. While these examples were from personal life, the process works just as well for individuals at the office. Every day is replete with opportunities for individuals to apply the AIA process in their jobs and interactions with others. It is also a powerful approach that can be used in coaching.

Whether dealing with intense grief, job stress, or any other personal difficulty, the steps to handle it appreciatively are the same: Appreciate What Is, Imagine the Ideal, and Act in Alignment. If you follow these steps, a whole new wonderful world will open up right alongside the one you are living; and that’s when you’ll really be walking the talk.

If you would like to learn more about Appreciative Living, please visit www.AppreciativeLiving.com for articles, books, products, workshops, and training materials. You may also want to visit the AI Commons at http://appreciativeinquiry.case.edu/ where I posted a presentation I gave at the 2009 Global AI conference. It includes an overview of the principles, a chart of the three-step process with sample exercises, and a live coaching session I did with a volunteer.