Recently graduated from one of the nation’s top journalism schools, Rachel was ecstatic when she was hired as an assistant producer at a local television station. Eager to succeed in her new profession, she quickly reached out to peers—female and male—to network. Although her peers were helpful in explaining the day-to-day ins and outs of the station, it soon became clear Rachel needed guidance and support from someone more experienced in the field.

After a few months on the job, it was painfully obvious to Rachel that she wasn’t getting opportunities to work on key projects—high-profile stories that could showcase her potential—like several of her male peers. It was evident that her male colleagues were getting more face time and forming connections with the producers (who also happened to be male). Frustrated, Rachel reached out to the only female producer at the station, even though she was in a different department. Although polite, this producer appeared overworked and distracted. She did not reciprocate Rachel’s efforts to initiate a mentorship, leaving Rachel feeling snubbed and dejected.

Gentlemen, the evidence shows that Rachel’s scenario is all too common. Talented women with sterling credentials and great motivation simply don’t get the opportunity to shine like their male peers. Although it’s easy to blame the senior woman for failing to assume a mentoring role with Rachel, we have a more pressing concern: where the hell were the men—those senior male producers—who were perfectly situated to “see” Rachel’s talent and champion her work? Worse, did they see her potential and choose not to mentor her? Too often, men are simply missing in action when it comes to demonstrating inclusive support of women in the workplace. Research evidence confirms this trend. More than half (64 percent) of senior men (vice president level and above) are reluctant to be seen meeting alone with a junior woman.¹ The reasons for this hesitancy and timidity are myriad. In this chapter, we confront the issue of male reluctance to mentor women. We ask that you approach this chapter with humility and introspection. We need you to think honestly about why we of the male persuasion often avoid pushing women forward in the workplace.

Sheryl Sandberg, author of Lean In, recently observed that “searching for a mentor has become the professional equivalent of waiting for Prince Charming … women are told that if they can just find the right mentor, they will be pushed up the ladder and whisked away to the corner office to live happily ever after.”² Sadly, this advice often amounts to little more than a fairy tale for many women. Too often, we—guys— can’t relate to a woman’s personal experience and professional dilemmas in the workplace. And of course, it is harder to serve as role models for navigating work life if our experiences at work have been quite different. Effective role modeling requires some empathy. If men don’t work deliberately at discovering and appreciating women’s unique professional and personal concerns, we might just feel inadequate or ineffective in the mentor role. And hey, what guy wants to feel impotent?

Sometimes, both the direct lessons and implicit messages about women transmitted to us by fathers, peers, and our broader culture simply turn out to be bogus. As boys growing up we may have learned that girls are nice but weak, nurturing but too thin-skinned to compete in male-centric organizations. Even in the twenty-first century, when many of us had moms who worked full-time jobs, we may have internalized the stereotype that women just don’t have the right stuff for leadership and management positions. Although erroneous, these stereotypes can operate unconsciously to reinforce perceptions that women aren’t worthy of our time as mentors.

While most guys don’t consciously perpetuate such stereotypes, research reveals that they are indeed alive and well in a host of workplace actions, including hiring and promotion. For instance, a study from the world of music performance demonstrated that when symphony orchestra auditions were conducted using a blind format for the evaluators, there was a 50 percent increase in the number of women offered positions.³ Other studies using hiring applications and performance evaluations—identical except for the gender of a candidate’s name— show that women’s performance is evaluated more negatively than men’s.⁴ The negative impact on women of stereotypes in hiring and promotions is sobering; these decisions impact financial outcomes and upward mobility in the organization.

If men in positions of power in the business world manifest dismissive attitudes toward women, surely women will be more warmly received in the relatively liberal world of higher education, right? Turns out, the answer is no.⁵ In a compelling study of gender bias in graduate school, potential doctoral students sent e-mails to graduate school professors—both male and female—across all academic disciplines explaining their common research interests, seeking entry to their doctoral program, and requesting a short meeting with the professor. The professors’ response rates provided insight into how bias and discrimination work for those seeking mentorship in their chosen profession. With the exception of the fine arts, women were less likely to receive a response from professors of either gender, regardless of the representation of women in the discipline. And to show the connection to power, prestige, and influence, professors in disciplines where salaries are highest (e.g., business, engineering) and in private universities were the least likely to respond to a potential female mentee. Women seeking mentorship in business schools were more than twice as likely as their male counterparts to be ignored by a professor. As men, we can be susceptible to bias and gender stereotypes that cause us to overlook or actively avoid talented women such as the women in this research study. Ask yourself this: How many women and men do you currently mentor? Do these numbers reflect the actual gender ratio in your workplace? If not, why?

In Rachel’s story, some of the male producers may have overlooked Rachel because they saw her as the female producer’s responsibility. These men cling to the myth that only women can mentor other women. Such archaic thinking may be the product of male socialization, which often paints women as an altogether different—even alien—species. This perception is often associated with a superficially positive notion that women need to be provided for, protected, and revered—benevolent sexism. Benevolent sexists cling to the myth that women are fragile, delicate, mysterious creatures that we, mortal men, could not possibly begin to understand, let alone guide and support. Fellas, we have to see through these insidious attitudes if we are going to be successful mentors.

And of course, there are other reasons that men are reluctant to mentor women. Frankly, many of us are simply anxious about engaging in close relationships with women. Referred to as the developmental dilemma for male mentors to female mentees, this dilemma describes the tension between wanting to help and develop junior women on one level (a pull toward closeness) and the competing desire to avoid attraction, intimacy, and the complications they can create (a push toward distance). Depending on our experience with opposite-sex relationships, some of us may feel flat-out uncomfortable in a cross-gender mentoring relationship at work. Too many guys don’t know how to “do” nonsexual intimacy in relationships with women. We may have no problem being friends and bros with our male peers, but the prospect of being “just friends” with women leaves us off kilter. On one end of the continuum, we fear sexploitation, perhaps responding to increasing intimacy with sexual overtures. On the other end of the continuum, we anxiously avoid the very intimacy necessary for developing trust, thereby creating sterile and distant mentorships. Acknowledging our discomfort in collegial but nonsexual relationships with women is a first step. Remember this: our female mentees are not looking for sexual intimacy; they want to develop and succeed, personally and professionally. If we acknowledge our discomfort and then work on mastering it, and if we rule out even the possibility of a sexual relationship with any mentee, we’ll be better able to put aside our fear of intimacy and get busy championing the Athenas around us.

Here is another obstacle to male-female mentorships at work. Some men resort to “old scripts” when interacting with women. These men resort to relationship patterns made familiar and comfortable in relationships with other women in their lives, namely, mothers or daughters. Although this may seem like a good idea, and in fact it may be very helpful in overcoming anxiety, being a woman’s “son” or “father” can stymie a developmental relationship with her for several reasons. First, it may lead to “chivalrous” behavior that amounts to little more than benevolent sexism. Responding to women as dependent and fragile leads to overprotection; it will ultimately sabotage their development. Evidence suggests that when women are exposed to this variety of sexism, they begin to doubt their abilities and their likelihood for success.⁶ Second, familial relationships are not often conducive to providing the type of brutally honest and direct feedback a woman needs in a competitive workplace. Finally, such “fathering” by a mentor can feel patronizing and smothering to a woman. Using the power dynamic in your mentoring relationship with a woman to rescue, overprotect, and undermine her independence is the last thing she needs. She’s not your daughter: remember that!

Still other men are reluctant to mentor women for fear of social scrutiny. How many times have you heard the saying “Perception is reality”? Unfortunately, whether we like it or not and whether it is fair or not, perceptions matter. At times, they matter so much that men are reluctant even to consider engaging women in strong developmental relationships. A recent news item about female congressional staffers on Capitol Hill revealed that women are often barred from time alone with their bosses for fear that the male congressman will be “tainted” by innuendo about an affair.⁷ Research evidence shows that women are less likely to report engaging in after-work social activities with their male mentors. As Sheryl Sandberg observed, a senior man and a junior man in a bar is seen as mentoring. A senior man and a junior woman at a bar could also be mentoring, but … let’s face it, it could be much more.⁸

If you fear gossip and raised eyebrows because you are mentoring a woman, you aren’t alone. Too many men worry that if they appear strongly supportive or emotionally connected with a woman at work, someone will launch a juicy rumor or write them up for something inappropriate. Worse, a jealous coworker might spread a rumor about an untoward relationship to undermine your mentee! When General Becky Halstead was a junior officer, she often felt the gaze of her coworkers when she worked as an aide for a senior male general. She often worried about how their relationship was being perceived: “Are they getting too close, how do they talk to each other? Everyone just watches you. You get watched more closely than if it’s a male general with a male aide.” Guys, people talk. You probably can’t prevent it entirely, but by mentoring both women and men actively and transparently, you’ll contribute to setting the standard for what intentional mentoring across gender should look like.

Gentlemen, let’s be frank: sometimes gossip sprouts from a kernel of truth. If you have anxiety about how others will read your relationship with a female mentee, it may be time to ask yourself why that is. Is it rare for you to mentor a woman? If the answer is yes, then your first mentorships with women will naturally generate greater scrutiny. Use this attention to check yourself and your relationship. Be certain that you’re not giving them something to talk about. Be purposeful about when and where you meet with your mentee. Meeting during normal business hours, on a routine basis, and in a typical meeting place can keep people from getting the wrong idea about your relationship. In most organizations, there is nothing inappropriate about meeting alone with your mentee, as long as you’re not making it look like you’re trying to hide something. For instance, meeting in the break room, local café, or your company’s cafeteria where coworkers are walking by provides a sense of normality that will make everyone more comfortable; candlelight dinners and drinks at trendy bars, not so much.

It is important for men to be cautious about perceptions without going overboard. Excessive worry creates distance in the mentoring relationship. Simply aiming for open, transparent conduct in all your developmental relationships is key. Consider one male manager who described his approach this way: “Whether it’s a man, a woman, or a Martian sitting across the desk, I’m not going to treat them any differently. I’m not going to shut the door, I’m not going to be seen showing favoritism. You might call that subconscious risk mitigation.”⁹ If you mentor women often, if you mentor them professionally and with integrity, and if mentoring talented people of both genders is a hallmark of your identity as a leader, we guarantee you won’t have to worry about misperceptions for long.

Here is another factor that can fuel male reluctance to mentor women: the jealous spouse. When men avoid mentoring women, we sometimes hear this concern: “What will my spouse/partner think?” In a perfect world, we would all enjoy ideal relationships with spouses characterized by unflinching trust. But, alas, jealousy and suspicion are part of the human condition. And let’s cut our partners some slack. After all, our ancestors were required to fight off romantic rivals as a matter of survival! These instincts and reactions are simply hardwired. Gentlemen, transparency and familiarity are your friends; wise male mentors create opportunities for their spouse or partner to meet and get to know their female mentees.

In our interview with General Becky Halstead, she revealed that as a mentee she was intentional in doing this with her senior male mentors’ wives. She found that reaching out to mentors’ wives at social occasions helped her mentors and their spouses develop a sense of trust and comfort with the close mentoring relationship and the frequent travel requirements. She said that she always considered the relationship with spouses: “Some wives cannot handle it, some can. The way that I dealt with that challenge was that I did my very best to nurture the relationship with the spouse. The spouse knew who I was as a person and as an officer.” Gentlemen, once your partner knows your mentee as a person, and knows that your relationship is professional and important for her career (and yours), you will sleep much better.

Finally, in an age when sexual harassment and equal opportunity complaints are a costly reality to organizations of all stripes, some men are reluctant to mentor women for fear that they will “slip” and say or do something offensive. Anxiety and fear are often perpetuated by rumors of men who are prosecuted by HR for complimenting a woman on her dress. No one wants to get into hot water at work, but increased focus on sexual harassment training to the point where men are scared to interact with female coworkers has led some to describe a new phenomenon at work dubbed the “sex partition.”¹⁰ Some men erroneously believe the solution to this risk is avoiding women altogether. Avoiding women in any organization is nonproductive and can be especially damaging in male-dominated organizations, because women have fewer options for mentors.

In fact, male mentors can learn to recognize these dilemmas. An example of this can be found at the quality of life services and facilities management company Sodexo, where a formal mentoring program helps senior male mentors learn to manage their anxiety and biases, thanks to their mentees’ feedback.¹¹ Women participating in the program have been promoted at higher rates than other high-potential women.¹² Successful mentoring relationships rely on open and honest two-way communication. Mentors who foster an environment that encourages feedback and openness will create a relationship where inadvertent “slights” or “slips” can be handled within the relationship and with a purpose of learning from each other. If you make a mistake, admit it, own it! Show that you care for your mentee and she will do the same for you.

Gentlemen, it really is simple. Treat everybody with respect and conduct yourself with dignity, and you will have little to worry about. All the evidence suggests that men can have personally meaningful and professional mentoring relationships with women. To do this, wise mentors establish appropriate boundaries in cross-gender friendships and mentorships.

Don’t be a reluctant male. Get over your anxiety about mentoring women. Mentor women deliberately and transparently. The only way to help your organization achieve genuine gender equality and become competitive for the long haul is for you to be that guy, the one willing to champion the careers of those rising Athenas around you.