RELATIONSHIP BIOLOGY 101

Certainly, some sex differences are—at least in part—biologically determined. For instance, height, muscle composition, body fat, and metabolism tend to consistently differentiate men from women. But merely focusing on these differences may cloud the fact that there is as much difference within the sexes as there is between the sexes for each of these characteristics. And there is more: many well-established differences between the sexes, such as life expectancy and vulnerability to both physical and psychological illness, are clearly determined by far more than mere biology. For example, throughout history and across cultures, life expectancy is longer for women. Why? Well, there are genetic explanations related to men’s chromosomal vulnerability—sorry, guys, there are limitations to that Y chromosome of yours.¹ Additionally, there are social and behavioral explanations that disadvantage the male variety of our species. These include: work stress, lack of social network support, risky behavior, aggression and violence, smoking, alcohol, diet, lack of exercise, and lack of routine medical care.² As you can see, clear-cut explanations for most sex differences are not easy to come by. Most male–female differences involve an intricate cocktail of biological, social, and psychological ingredients.

SEX DIFFERENCES AND THE BRAIN

Although the musician Cyndi Lauper once famously reflected, “I don’t think men grow a brain until twenty-six or even thirty,” it appears men do have brains early in life, and in most ways, those brains are remarkably similar to those of their female counterparts. The past decade has witnessed renewed interest in neuroscience and brain development, providing a scientific window into the ways women and men compare at the level of the brain. Neuroscientific research clearly shows small differences in the human brain based on sex, but not the large, consistent differences needed to support the dimorphic view of a “male brain” and a “female brain.”³ For instance, brain scans using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) reveal unique patterns of activity in male and female brains as well as patterns common to both.⁴ In addition, there are small structural differences and variations in patterns of processing neurochemicals between men and women. Finally, we see modest gender differences in cognitive abilities such as spatial visualization (men are slightly better) and working memory (women are slightly better). Even small differences in brain structure and function can contribute to our understanding of subtle distinctions in the way men and women respond and relate to each other. For instance, when mentoring women, men would be well served to appreciate the average female’s neurologically rooted tendencies to absorb and retain more sensorial and emotive information, be verbally expressive in connecting memories and current events, and be more analytical of relational feelings.⁵ As interesting as these findings may be, they offer little evidence for any profound neurological distinctions between the sexes.⁶

And keep in mind that even these well-established gender patterns in the neuroscientific literature must be interpreted in light of social stereotypes. For example, two consistent gender differences, multitasking and emotionality—typically attributed to biological differences—are in part connected to different life contexts for men and women.

Recently there has been discussion in the media suggesting that women are better than men at multitasking and that women multitask more often (men tend to be more single-task focused). The reality is that there is inconclusive evidence that either men or women are better at multitasking; both genders show diminished performance when asked to multitask.⁷ But, women do multitask more often than men, which may be more a product of their work–family situation—the greater number of daily demands to attend to at work and at home—than evolution or biology.⁸

A similar pattern emerges with respect to emotionality. Brain scans show that both sexes respond to pictures that should evoke a negative emotion.⁹ But there are differences between the sexes at the level of the brain in the capacity to regulate and control feelings.¹⁰ Men appear to be more efficient at regulating emotion, using less neural activity; women are better at reframing negative emotions into positive feelings.¹¹

What about tears and crying? A recent study from the Netherlands revealed that on average women cry between thirty and sixty-four times per year compared to seventeen for men.¹² And when they cry, women cry for an average of six minutes while men tear up for only two to three minutes. The reasons for this gender discrepancy are both hormonal and social. Women have higher levels of prolactin, a hormone produced by the pituitary gland associated with emotion, including tears. And women are raised with more social permission to cry; they are less likely to feel ashamed of tears than men.

Is this neuroscientific evidence particularly important for the practice of mentoring? Think of it as simply one element contributing to the gendered differences you may discover in your relationships with women at work.

MAYBE DARWIN WAS ONTO SOMETHING

Guys, let’s now consider a more evolutionary perspective on our cavemen heritage. The evidence shows that we are hardwired as men (and women to a lesser degree) to pick up on subtle attraction cues. As men, we consciously and unconsciously see women differently than they see us. As guys, we unconsciously sense and instantly process the smell of women’s pheromones (neurochemicals) and it turns out that—based on smell alone—women mysteriously become more attractive to us when they are most fertile.¹³ Beyond smell, physical attraction is often related to facial features and body shape.¹⁴ As it turns out, evolutionary psychology might validate Meghan Trainor’s song that it’s “All About That Bass.” As the theory goes, men are attracted to women who are good mates: sexually mature, youthful, and healthy.¹⁵ This translates into particular body types and features (a 0.7 waist‑to‑hip ratio is preferred by men in many populations) and facial features (bilateral symmetry, small chin, and thick lips).¹⁶

Even the very nature of the way we as men take in and process a woman’s appearance has roots in our evolution as human males on the hunt for prospective mates. It turns out that we tend to instantly analyze a woman perceptually using local cognitive processing. In essence, our inner caveman first glances at a woman’s body parts and shape, allowing us to perceive and evaluate her physical potential as a mate.¹⁷ Of course, if you don’t have good self-awareness about this evolved tendency, or if your inner caveman gets stuck at an earlier stage of evolution, you might just be that leering, inappropriate male, guilty of overtly objectifying women at work. And to make matters even less fair for women, evidence suggests that guys are not subjected to such visual strip searches by the women they encounter. Instead, men tend to be perceived using global cognitive processing, meaning that guys tend to be seen in their entirety, not merely on the basis of their abs, buns, or facial symmetry.

So gentlemen, we know what you’re thinking right about now: if some elements of attraction are hardwired, vestiges of our evolved male brains, what are the implications for our relationships with women at work? Can men and women just be friends? More important, can men enjoy close, supportive mentoring relationships with women … without sexualizing them or violating boundaries? The answer is an unequivocal yes! As a matter of fact, it happens every day. In part 2 of this guide, you’ll hear from lots of women about men who championed, supported, and encouraged them without once making the mentorship feel romanticized or creepy.

So, how can you be a guy—a dude with a caveman past—and mentor women professionally and platonically? Let’s start with rule number 1: remain accepting but alert to your evolved attraction triggers. Gentlemen, we ignore our neurological and biological past at our own peril. Accept the fact that you’ll find many women attractive, including some you mentor. No shame here. All heterosexual men are inclined to respond to both general fertility markers and more subtle cues for attraction in women, at least occasionally. Frankly, life might be just a bit duller and less interesting were this not the case. The real problem is that far too many men try to pretend they are not vulnerable to feelings of attraction. Freud observed that denial is the most primitive defense mechanism. But denial of erotic or romantic feelings is often a recipe for disaster. A man in denial of his feelings and attractions puts his female mentee and the value of a mentoring relationship in jeopardy.

Rule number 2: your brain comes with a frontal lobe, so use it! Guys, the frontal portion of your cortex is that highly evolved brain region critical for decision making, judgment, self-regulation, and the inhibition of impulses. Think of it as the brake linings of the brain. Might you be wired with caveman radar that causes you to respond to some women with erotic interest or romantic stirrings? Of course, and you should admit it, understand it, then take responsibility for those responses and prevent them from derailing a good mentorship. If you’ve come equipped with a frontal lobe, and if it hasn’t been seriously damaged, then the neural leftovers from your primitive caveman past are no excuse for sexualizing relationships with women at work. This sort of capitulation to biological impulse was evident when Billy Crystal’s character, in the movie When Harry Met Sally, reflected that “men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.”

Here is a third rule: chances are strong that she’s just not that into you. Research reveals that men are more likely than women to assume there may be romantic interest in an opposite-sex professional relationship. If we listen uncritically to the evolutionary murmur in our heads, we may erroneously interpret her friendly and collegial behavior as romantic interest and availability.¹⁸ Gentlemen, let us spare you some embarrassment. Research in the area of attraction shows that when men are attracted to women, they often overestimate the extent to which the attraction is mutual.¹⁹ Chances are very good that when you feel attracted to a woman at work, she is not equally enamored of you.

In summary, men can and, in fact, must have professional, mentoring relationships with women. Thoughtful male mentors are self-aware and nondefensive about their attraction triggers. They are also intentional about preserving good boundaries in their mentoring relationships. When feelings of attraction arise, they are careful to channel them in a healthy way, seek consultation from a trusted colleague, or take other steps to prevent their feelings from intruding on the important work of mentorship. In part 2 of the book, we provide specific strategies to level the evolutionary playing field and keep feelings of attraction in check.

RELATIONSHIP PSYCHOLOGY

Although evidence from evolutionary and biological research on gender and attraction provides important insights about our relationships with women, we now shift our focus to the evidence on the equally powerful effects of gender socialization. Gender role socialization is the social process by which men and women learn their social roles at work and home through specific sex-typed tasks and behaviors in the broader culture.²⁰ All human beings bring their relationship histories and cultural experiences to a mentorship. We learn how to perform important gender roles as boys and girls from a young age from the most influential people in each stage of our lives (e.g., parents, friends, coaches, teachers, clergy, and media).²¹ Gender norms and stereotypes are culturally powerful yet most of us would struggle to explain why or how we acquired our socialized beliefs about appropriate gendered behavior. We’ll start with a few of the socialized roles women often learn.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Think about a woman you work with and know well. Ever wonder why she won’t just tell people directly what she wants them to do, or why she spends so much time talking to others about what they think or how they feel, or do you wonder why she won’t make a decision quickly and move out smartly?! Like guys, women are socialized to enact certain roles in relationships, even if some of these roles and behaviors reinforce stereotypes. For instance, many of the women you mentor may have been socialized to accept that women should: hesitate to ask for what they want; avoid appearing too confident or showing up their male peers; avoid conflict by glossing over rude, chauvinistic, abusive male behavior; work to please; deny discomfort or anger; choose between being attractive or smart; and always cooperate, never compete. Here is an important caveat, gentlemen: these are norms and not absolutes—not every woman you mentor will adhere to the same gendered behavior. So you’ll have to get to know each of your mentees as a unique person and individual woman, and not make assumptions. Finally, gentlemen, be sensitive to the previous experiences women have had with men generally and their male guides specifically without pushing inappropriately for specifics about the experiences. Wait for her to share anything about her previous relationships with men that might be important in understanding her.

Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

Men must also be self-aware when it comes to our own “scripts” (courtesy of our families and masculine socialization generally) for how to be in relationships with women. Like women, men are socialized in ways that emphasize behavioral norms and stereotypes associated with masculinity. For instance, men are often socialized by parents, peers, and the broader culture to: overlook women at work (we fail to see them as potential leaders); embody the protector archetype (we overprotect women, and in so doing undermine their autonomy); and attempt to express intimacy sexually (we can feel uncomfortable with navigating intimacy in a nonphysical way).²² These behavioral inclinations toward women play out in the performance of our roles at work and will undoubtedly influence the way we perform as mentors to women. So, which socialized behavioral pattern with women best describes you? Guys, let’s take a look at some of the most common relationship scripts men are socialized to enact, and how each can help—or impede—our ability to mentor women well.

As a guy, you can probably relate to this scenario at work: you are interacting with a younger woman and catch yourself wondering how she is interpreting your behavior and language. Perhaps you don’t know her well, you haven’t had many working relationships with younger women, or you simply feel unsure or uncertain about what is appropriate. Most importantly, you don’t want to do anything wrong or make a mistake that will offend her because, after all, you’re a guy with good intentions. As humans, we don’t like to get it wrong in our social interactions; we’re embarrassed when we do. Naturally, we draw on the most accessible road maps to navigate interpersonal exchanges, hoping to avoid a wreck! The most accessible relational maps are the scripts we have learned from previous relationships with women, often family members, siblings, or intimate partners. Our socialized man scripts for interacting with women help to reduce our anxiety in times of uncertainty. The problem, of course, is that these old scripts may not be valid or productive when it comes to your female mentee. Gentlemen, you wouldn’t let your car’s GPS maps get outdated, so why would you navigate relationships with women using guidance from decades past? Let’s look at some of the most common relationship scripts men have often internalized.

Many men may easily enact dependency scripts with women, seeking “mothering” in soothing and nurturing behaviors from the women we become close to at work. Others of us are quick to embody the big brother or father role with women, rushing in to protect and shelter them when what they really need is simple affirmation and encouragement. The protector role is quite natural and healthy for a parent and child; it is something quite different when a male mentor rushes in to protect a female mentee at every turn. Protection easily becomes overprotection, and it is guaranteed to undermine your female mentee by preventing her from learning to manage the risk and challenges of organizations on her own.²³ Even if a mentee appears content to accept your fatherly protection, remember that she, too, has been socialized to enact scripts (e.g., daughter). Do your mentee a favor and don’t try to be her dad.

Your mentee needs you to be her mentor. Another version of the protector script in male–female relationships is the “chivalrous knight” and the “helpless maiden.”²⁴ According to this script, the mentor is strong and competent while the mentee lacks skills and abilities to survive in the workplace. She must overrely on her mentor and assume the subordinate role in the relationship. Instead of fostering a collegial adult relationship, this script serves to reinforce a power discrepancy in the mentoring relationship. Remember that our role as mentors is to develop our mentees so they can advance to become valued colleagues in our network. When guys get stuck playing chivalrous knight and overprotecting women at work, they paradoxically prevent their mentees from becoming full, independent members of the profession.

As men, the chivalrous knight script comes all too naturally. As boys, we often learned to be independent, self-reliant, tough, and stoic. The protective knight script requires us to be emotionless and rational, despite the fact that all the mentoring research shows that excellent mentors are authentic and emotionally responsive to their mentees’ needs. Guys, take our word for it and leave the stoic warrior role for King Leonidas.

The final script is the most toxic and genuinely risky for the women you mentor. Strong mentoring relationships are innately intimate. But when intimacy triggers enactment of “macho” and “seductress” role scripts, the mentoring relationship is often doomed.²⁵ This script warps a relationship so that the mentee’s career development or aspirations get lost in a haze of flirtation and sexual innuendo. Seductive behavior in a mentorship creates an atmosphere where developing competence is no longer the focus and the mentee may feel trapped in an unproductive and unwanted relationship.

In one train wreck after another, we have seen otherwise successful men scuttle their careers and do real harm to women whom they were ostensibly guiding by resorting to sexual relationship scripts as a means of managing feelings of attraction and the experience of intimacy in a friendship with a woman at work. Again, seductiveness and physical connection are often linked to our earlier experiences and wishes vis‑à‑vis women. This script may be most dangerous when a man is unaware that he is enacting it, perhaps until long after it is too late. This is dangerous territory because it can lead to behavior that qualifies as sexual harassment. Do yourself a favor and leave the sexual intimacy at home. And remember the research, guys: she’s not that into you anyway …

We all have well-learned, sometimes implicit and unconscious scripts for how to be in relationships with women. Problems occur when we are unaware of them and they run amok in our mentorships, undermining strong collegial relationships with the women in our lives. Want to be an excellent mentor? Then learn and understand the biological, psychological, and social influences that have made you who you are. Only a deliberate and self-aware man can have the insight to mentor women in a healthy and productive relationship. We know you are up to the task!