PREFACE

 

 

 

This is a guide for men.

We are writing this book for our genetic brothers, men who are upright, courageous, and visionary in their sense of how a just and dignified workplace should look—for men and women. This is a guy’s guide to leveling the playing field for women through the medium of intentional and powerful mentorships. For too long, most of us have been part of the problem. Rewarded from birth merely for owning a penis, we’re all silent beneficiaries—or whistling bystanders—in a world that persists in keeping women on the sidelines, excluded from key leadership roles, and earning less pay for equal work.

Gentlemen, this is a call to arms. In education, business, the military, and organizations of all stripes, we are in a battle for talent. Organizations and professions that exclude or marginalize 50 percent of the workforce—including half of those at the top of the curve on intellectual, emotional, and creative giftedness—are doomed. Those companies and institutions that deliberately include women in key leadership positions are simply more effective, balanced, and geared for longterm success. These are organizations that benefit from the distinctive and powerful gifts that each gender contributes to innovation and execution. Workplaces defined by flexibility, collaboration, and caring are much more likely to exist when women are deliberately integrated and valued at all levels of leadership. Welcoming and promoting women is simply key to longterm organizational survival.

Yet women today remain under-recruited, under-compensated, and certainly, under-promoted to the upper echelons of power and leadership. And when they do get in the door, they face deliberate exclusion or an insidious—and possibly more painful—disregard fueled by stereotypes, hypercompetitive masculine work settings, and, sometimes, out-and-out hostility toward women in the workplace.

Think we’re exaggerating? As we sit down to begin writing this book in the summer of 2015, a Nobel Prize–winning British scientist has just proclaimed that “girls” should never be allowed to work in research labs with men. Why? Well, because, “you fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticize them they cry….”1 And a recent news article about women staffers on Capitol Hill reveals that they are often barred from ever being alone or—God forbid—ever being seen after hours with their male bosses for fear of rumors and bad publicity for the male legislators.2 And the coup de grâce, our own Marine Corps recently fired a female recruit commander for being “too aggressive and abrasive.”3 Seriously, can you imagine a male Marine being called “too aggressive and abrasive”? Let’s face it, guys, we are only scratching the surface here; you see examples of women being minimized, marginalized, cut out, and derided, merely for their gender, nearly anywhere you look. The problem, of course, is that we—men, dudes, guys, fellas, bros … gentlemen—rarely say much about it. And far too few of us actually do anything about it. Yet, we ignore this state of affairs to the detriment of our organizations; our own daughters, wives, and other women we care about; and even our own personal success and quality of life.

Strong mentoring relationships alter lives, not merely careers. Four decades of research on mentoring leaves no room for doubt about the impact of mentoring on career success and the ability to thrive in adult life. The benefits to the mentee can be so valuable that identification with at least one important mentor should be considered a major developmental task of the early career years. As ardent consumers of the latest mentoring research, you can trust us on this one, gentlemen: the effects of strong mentoring are remarkable, profound, and enduring; mentoring relationships have the capacity to transform individuals, groups, organizations, and communities.

And while we’re on the topic of benefits, what’s in it for you? The data is pretty clear. Mentors reap profound satisfaction from “giving” to the next generation and guiding talented junior members of the profession, male and female. If you’ve ever mentored someone, then you also appreciate how mentoring leads to new insights, key insider information about the organization, and a larger network of colleagues over time. You will learn as much about yourself from your mentee as she will learn from you. The interpersonal skills you hone through mentorship will serve you well as you rise through the ranks.

But here is the rub: although mentorship appears even more crucial for women when it comes to career advancement, women often have a tougher time securing mentors. And when they do, they often reap fewer career and psychosocial benefits than men. As the goddess Athena discovered in pursuing her own adventures as a woman in a male-dominated world: gender matters!

About now, you might be asking: Why can’t women mentor women? There are several reasons. In many malecentric domains, senior women may be nowhere in sight or when they are visible may be reluctant to mentor other women. And the truth is that men are still more likely to hold senior leadership positions in most professions, businesses, and organizations—face it, in many cases there just aren’t enough senior women around.

So why don’t we (guys) mentor women often and easily? Men are too often reticent to engage promising women in the workplace, for lots of reasons. Some of us just aren’t sure how to have a professional relationship with a woman. Some of us worry she’ll think we’re coming on to her (and sometimes we worry we might indeed be coming on). At other times, we may be anxious about gossip and innuendo around the office. (e.g., I’ll look creepy. They’ ll think we’re dating or something. What if someone tells my girlfriend/wife?). We’d be lying if we didn’t admit that many of us have at one time worried that we might slip and say or do the wrong thing leading to a sexual harassment case—yikes,who needs that! And finally, let’s not forget that most of us continue to harbor implicit biases about women (e.g., They can’t take the demands of the job. They’re not as capable as men. She should be at home).

Men, it is time. If you are reading this guide, then you know it is time. It is time to fully accept the critical role we can play in pulling women up and pushing them forward. Just as Sheryl Sandberg has recently called women to “lean in” to their careers, we are calling men to lean in to the task of mentoring women. We are not asking you to mentor women exclusively or to ignore talented junior men—far from it. We are merely asking that you open your eyes, recognize some of the talented women down the hall, in the boardroom, or in the classroom, and then widen your circle of mentees to include them! Chances are, every man brave enough to be reading this page can play a crucial role—this year—in helping several promising junior women to persist, advance, and thrive in their profession or workplace. So gentlemen, time to lock and load! As men in positions of influence, we have all got to be more effective at mentoring rising stars of both genders—particularly in the multitude of environments where senior women are few.

This is a practical guide for men. It is a manual for mentoring women consciously and deliberately. Part 1 of this guide provides the background intel you’ll need to better understand women, yourself as a man, and the varieties of male–female relationships. Part 2 details the nuts and bolts or the key elements of being an effective mentor for women. In the pages of part 2, we’ll show you how women often need mentoring with a different character, a unique style, and, sometimes, a focus beyond just career. Each chapter in part 2 contains several distinct elements, key strategies for becoming more effective in your mentoring relationships with women. Together, these chapters constitute our “Manual for Men” on how to effectively engage, encourage, promote, and sponsor talented women at work. Excellent mentoring is equal parts art and science. It demands self-awareness, emotional intelligence, relationship know-how, political savvy, and, of course, a genuine desire to see a good person thrive in her career.

Each element, or mentoring function, covered in part 2 blends crucial knowledge, attitudes, and skills. Some of the elements emphasize specific career-promotion strategies while others focus on the mentee’s personal growth and well-being. Think of each element as a critical tool in the toolbox of a master carpenter. The skillful carpenter understands that he cannot use all his tools at once and that not every tool will be required for each job. Experience, discernment, and discretion are required.4

Finally, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. We are two guys writing a book about mentoring women. Weird? Yes and no. We are good friends, naval officers (one former, one current), college professors (a psychologist and a sociologist), and men who have long been concerned about the struggle of women to earn a place at the leadership table—particularly in the military, but in other typically male settings as well. Yet, we are humble outsiders to the female experience. No amount of concern for the plight of our female colleagues can make us experts on the experience of being a woman in the workplace. So, early on in our planning and brainstorming for this guide, we did two things. First, we distilled the latest evidence about effective mentorship, cross-gender relationships at work, and what women say is most helpful to them in mentorships. Second, we reached out to a substantial number of high-flying, successful women in a wide array of professions and organizations, and we asked them about their own experiences with male mentors. We wanted to hear their stories and learn about what worked well for them in relationships with senior men. We asked about how the relationships got started and precisely what these men did that was most helpful in the relationship.

Following, we include the list of women who helped us with our quest to better understand male–female mentorships. We think you will agree they constitute an allstar cast. We are deeply grateful for their stories and reflections and we include some of their most salient experiences in part 2 to illustrate the “how to” of being an excellent mentor for women. If there are any errors, oversights, or bloopers in the pages that follow, they are undoubtedly the work of your authors.

Gentlemen, thank you for taking this mission seriously. Thank you for opening your heart and mind to those everyday Athenas—talented young women who only need a fair chance and an equal start. By mentoring women intentionally and conscientiously, you’ll change women’s lives, improve the work environment, and make your organization more competitive. And, in the end, you’ll be a better man.

 

Brad Johnson and David Smith
August 2015                             

 

Rohini Anand, PhD, Sodexo Senior Vice President and Global Chief Diversity Officer

Laura Behling, PhD, Dean and Vice President for Academic Affairs, Knox College

Dana Born, PhD, Air Force Brigadier General (ret), Currently: Lecturer at Harvard University

Virginia Brodie, Marine Corps Second Lieutenant, first female Combat Artillery Officer

Susan Chambers, Walmart Executive Vice President, Global People Division

Alice Eagly, PhD, Professor of Psychology at Northwestern University, Gender Expert

Deborah Gillis, President and CEO, Catalyst

Rebecca Halstead, Army Brigadier General (ret), Founder Steadfast Leadership

Kathy Hannan, Partner for Diversity and Corporate Responsibility, KPMG

Katie Higgins, Marine Corps Captain, first female Blue Angels pilot

Michelle Howard, Four-Star Navy Admiral, Vice Chief of Naval Operations

Nadine Kaslow, PhD, Emory University Professor, 2014 President of the American Psychological Association

Susan Madsen, EdD, Utah Valley University, Utah Women & Leadership Project

Betsy Myers, Adviser to Presidents Clinton and Obama, Currently: Founding Director of the Center for Women & Business at Bentley University

Camille Nichols, Army Major General, Commanding General Contracting Command

Janet Petro, Deputy Director, John F. Kennedy Space Center

Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook Chief Operating Officer and Founder of LeanIn.Org

Sandra Stosz, Coast Guard Rear Admiral, Currently: USCG Academy Superintendent

Tabitha Strobel, Navy Lieutenant, first woman to serve on a submarine crew

Kathy Waller, CFO and Executive Vice President, Coca-Cola Company

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