Feedback has a poor reputation

Sometimes, in the workplace, the term ‘feedback’ is used to disguise a piece of criticism. In its worst form it may even be an act of aggression, if we use the polite term of feedback to ‘have a go’ at someone. The phrase ‘I’d like to give you some feedback’ can provoke feelings of doubt or dread in the person about to receive that feedback. That’s because they probably imagine they are about to be criticised in some way, or think they are in trouble. It’s a shame, because feedback can be the opposite of that – as I hope to demonstrate.

Don’t think about the blue rabbit

Ironically, our mental preparation for things going badly actually increases the chances of their going badly. That’s because our mind draws us towards what we think most about. For example, if I tell you not to think about the blue rabbit wearing sunglasses (no, don’t think about the blue rabbit, the one wearing sunglasses), isn’t that just what you think about?

So before we give feedback we often use our creative genius to invent nightmarish scenarios and then try to have them ‘not’ happen. But then, just like telling ourselves not to think about the blue rabbit, that’s what we focus on. For example, you’re preparing to have a conversation with a chatterbox in your team, called Sophie. She’s really quite loud, with a laugh you find irritating. As you’re preparing to have the conversation you’re thinking: ‘When I’m telling her about her behaviour, don’t say “shrieking”, “irritating” or “cackle” – that would sound too personal. Definitely not “shrieking” or “cackle” – that would be terrible.’ Then, when you have the conversation with Sophie and she asks you to describe what you mean, aren’t they the only words you can think of?

Solution: focus on what you want

There’s a simple solution to this issue: focus on what you want, instead of what you don’t want. For example, in your conversation with Sophie, if you want to use words like ‘bubbly, talkative and enthusiastic’, think about those words. Put your attention on to how you want things to be; it’s a simple switch that can alter your course in a conversation dramatically. It works for feelings too. Perhaps you decide you want to feel calm as you give feedback, so think, ‘Okay, I’m going to feel calm and relaxed now.’ Then build that idea further: think about what it’s like to feel calm and relaxed and how that’s going to be in the situation. For example: ‘Right, I can imagine myself feeling calm and relaxed as I’m talking to her. I can imagine things going well.’ As you focus on how things will be when they go well, then you will automatically draw yourself closer to that outcome.

Preparation: why, what, how

Before you give feedback, first make sure that you prepare and focus on a positive outcome. For example, why do you want to give feedback and what are the messages you want to give? How and where will you deliver your messages? Also, think a little about how the other person is likely to respond, i.e. how they might feel. Consider the other person and the situation and decide the best way to approach them. For example, you may choose not to use the word feedback at all, perhaps saying instead ‘Can we have a chat about the meeting yesterday? I’d like to talk about how that went.’

For a fuller list of preparation points, see the checklist later in this chapter.

Feeling buoyant, staying ‘above zero’

Your emotional state either helps or hinders your ability to think, speak and react resourcefully during any conversation. Let’s imagine that there’s a range of emotional states that we might place at different points on a numbered scale. Anything above zero is generally positive – for example calm, relaxed, confident – and zero is neutral. Below zero might be more negative feelings of hesitation, trepidation, or even annoyance and frustration. I would encourage you to give feedback when you are feeling emotionally stable and with a sense of balance or optimism about the situation (especially if you’re delivering a tough message). Your emotional balance also influences the person you are talking to, and will support them to receive the messages you are offering.

Create confidence

If you are finding it difficult to reach ‘above zero’, for example to feel calm and focused, try some or all of the following.

• Go for a walk to think things through – settle your mind through the combination of movement and reflection.
• Decide how you want to feel and focus on that feeling – use your breathing and posture to help that. For example, if you want to feel confident then walk confidently, breathe and adopt the physical posture of how you typically are when you’re feeling relaxed and confident.
• Focus on a positive outcome – imagine the conversation going well, and see yourself as you want to be. See, hear and feel what that will be like.
• Get a trusted colleague to help you prepare – either talk things through or, better still, rehearse. Rehearsal is the best way I know of ironing out any creases in a planned conversation.
• Consider not giving the feedback – just allow yourself to imagine that you don’t give the feedback after all. Does that feel better or not? Is your relief temporary or lasting? If you decide not to give the feedback, ask yourself – have you decided to do the right thing or just the easy thing? That way you’ll know if your decision is good enough for you.

Given with positive intention

Constructive feedback is given with a positive intention for the person receiving it. For example, you might intend that your messages benefit their personal growth, progress on a task or their performance at work generally. Of course, there may be other reasons that feel less positive, for example they have behaved in a negative way towards someone and you want to avoid that happening again. To frame the conversation with the person you intend to give feedback to, first, please consider your intentions towards them. Are they positive? Consider giving the feedback, then ask yourself: ‘How might the other person benefit?’

Once you’re clear about what the benefit might be for the individual, you can share that with them if it’s appropriate. For example, ‘I’m hoping this might take some of the pressure off you in the team meetings.’ If your motivation for giving feedback seems to be based on your emotional state, for example ‘I’m really annoyed with them’ or ‘I just don’t like them as a person’, then you need to reflect further and find an objective viewpoint to guide you. If you are unable to find this objective view, you are less likely to remain impartial during the conversation.

Own your own message, speak your own truth

If your reason for feedback is that someone else thinks it’s a good idea, I’d suggest caution. For example, Gill works for you and is complaining about Bruce, who also works for you. Gill complains that on the days that you’re not in the office Bruce shows up late and she’d like you to tackle him about it. While you have no reason to doubt Gill is telling the truth (you trust her), this is not a huge issue with you personally. Bruce is one of the stronger performing members of the team. The only real issue is that Gill feels the situation is unfair and expects you, as manager, to ensure that ‘fairness reigns’. Your issue is more a question of integrity. For example, do you try to calm Gill down about this, in the hope that the issue goes away? Or do you have a conversation with Bruce and risk creating a real issue? After all, Bruce may feel aggrieved that someone has complained about him and be suspicious of all the team if the individual isn’t open about it. Or Bruce may reject accusations against him as untrue, in which case it will be very difficult to make progress – unless Gill speaks up.

Feedback is best owned by and attributed to the person with the issue. One valid option is to encourage Gill to offer feedback herself. Explain your reasons and also the risks of your giving feedback to Bruce in this situation. In exceptional circumstances, i.e. where you simply cannot avoid giving a message, then you have the option of acting as a mediator in the situation. For example, ‘I’m having this conversation on behalf of James because he doesn’t feel able to raise it with you personally.’ James needs to know that you’re doing this, and both James and the person you’re giving feedback to need to be encouraged to stay constructive afterwards. This might mean you facilitating a conversation between them, or encouraging them to talk things through in a constructive way.

Objective not subjective

Being objective means we strip out as much personal judgement as possible, leaving only the bare facts of the situation. Subjective statements rely more on the accuracy of personal judgement and can more easily be rejected or refuted. Objective statements tend to be more neutral, as they are more accurate and so more easily accepted.

Let’s assume that you’ve decided to give a colleague called Mark some feedback about his tendency to make commitments and then not keep them. It’s important to give this message in an objective, not subjective, way. The statements in the following table illustrate this.

As you can see, the objective statements seem more factual. Perhaps the terms ‘last few’ or ‘some experiences’ are a little vague and the actual number might work better, for example ‘three’. I’ve not used the actual amount in an effort to give a lighter message. Remember, we want to progress the conversation towards solution, rather than simply pointing out someone’s wrongdoings. For a better idea of the structure and stages of a conversation, see Chapter 11 (‘The Genesis project’ example).

Comment on behaviour, not personality

Constructive feedback comments on behaviour rather than the person or their personality. For example, ‘You’re overbearing’ attacks the person, whereas ‘Sometimes you talk over people’ comments on their behaviour. Generally, we feel we have choice about what we do, but have much less choice about who we are. So give messages based on observations of behaviour, rather than judgements of the person or their personality. The table below gives further examples.

Balanced message

Aim to give balanced messages where appropriate and offer positives with negatives. But only do that if the positives relate to the negatives in some way, and you can deliver the positives in a genuine, natural way. By natural I mean in a way that feels natural for the conversation, in flow with what’s being discussed. The following example comes part-way through a conversation with Tanya, after her manager has told her that, in meetings, Tanya voices her own ideas with great passion and conviction and often ignores or interrupts the input of others.

The manager has balanced the negative point with a positive acknowledgement (that they value Tanya’s energy) while not detracting from the main message. We aim to acknowledge positive attributes and behaviours where it’s appropriate. By doing so, we create a sense of perspective on a situation and help the person receiving feedback remain buoyant. What works much less well is when we try to think of something positive and put it into the conversation in a phoney attempt to ‘prop up’ a bleak message. So keep positive messages genuine!

Slight of mouth: encourage more desirable behaviour

It’s often more helpful to tell someone what you’d prefer rather than what you don’t like. For example, ‘Don’t talk so much’ becomes ‘Listen to other people’s ideas more often’. It helps someone to focus on the solution, rather than get ‘stuck’ in the problem. It’s a subtle switch, but one that has real impact.

Check for understanding and engagement

It helps to understand what someone is taking from the feedback message, i.e. what they have actually heard and understood. You also want some initial sense of how engaged or motivated they are to create change as a result. There’s also benefit in keeping them involved in the conversation (rather than only listening to you talk). To reduce pressure from someone, keep your questions deliberately vague, to enable someone to enter into the conversation, without feeling they need to answer in any particular way. It may be as simple as asking ‘How does this sound?’ or ‘What are your thoughts about this?’

Creating dialogue (rather than a lecture) is a good way to maintain rapport and help your messages to be effective. When we check for understanding and engagement, we also take the pressure off ourselves to talk, as we help the other person to offer their views or responses. The key is to remember to do it at an appropriate point, i.e. after you have given your feedback message. The following example comes part-way through the meeting with Tanya again, just after the manager has described her tendency to talk over people in meetings.

So the manager is giving Tanya a chance to express herself and also process some of her reactions to the feedback. Her initial reactions may not be her final response, and so the manager doesn’t react to them. Instead the manager uses silence to allow Tanya to voice her immediate thoughts. But if the manager had simply kept talking, explaining the situation and leaving Tanya no room to respond, then Tanya may feel suppressed in the conversation. As a coaching manager you operate from a position of equality with the people you manage. So it’s important that this is a conversation between two adults, rather than a parent-to-child reprimand.

Help them decide on a way forward

To maintain an ‘adult-to-adult’ conversation, it’s best if actions or next steps are agreed in collaboration, rather than you simply instructing them as their manager. Helping someone else to decide will allow them to engage with what they feel is a good way forward that works for them. You’re obviously free to offer views on their decisions, but please be cautious. Sometimes it’s better to let someone proceed with what you think is a flawed plan rather than dismiss their plan in favour of your own. After all, most issues can be given time, so you don’t need to find what you think is a perfect solution. Your own wisdom will help you to decide when to challenge and when to let go.

The following example continues the previous scenario and offers an appropriate balance from the manager in terms of challenge and ‘letting go’.

The manager is again using a very light touch in the conversation. They don’t need to prescribe a list of agreed actions, for example talk to other people, write an email, etc. The manager knows that this is an issue of self-awareness first, which will need some reflection time. They also trust that Tanya is engaged with the topic and wants to do something about it. The manager is assuming that Tanya is a mature adult and will work on this issue afterwards. They also know that if the behaviour remains the same, then they have the opportunity to revisit the topic and can do so on a firmer footing.

After this, all the manager needs to do is close the conversation in a way that demonstrates ongoing support and commitment.

So the manager has offered some initial feedback, left it with Tanya to reflect and then act on, while leaving the topic open for future debate. If the manager sees a continuation of the issue, they can simply revisit the conversation. Conversely, if the manager sees improvements, then they’ll want to acknowledge those in a genuine way. By these acknowledgements of progress, Tanya can view what might have been an uncomfortable conversation as actually one that was really valuable to her.

Constructive feedback

Constructive feedback supports us to learn, develop and succeed; most of us would choose to receive it fairly regularly. So the ability to give helpful, motivating feedback is a necessary tool for any effective manager. To do that, your challenge is to offer your messages in a balanced, natural style so that people can welcome and engage with them. And if you want to develop a coaching style of manager, i.e. one who accelerated the development and learning of others, then it’s essential that you give regular, constructive feedback.