The three languages

The three languages bring together the words you use, the tone associated with the words and your body language. We look for congruence between the three, i.e. that there is a consistency across the three languages that is appropriate for the message being sent. Where there is a lack of congruence (perhaps your facial gestures are revealing your real feelings, which the words do not convey), the meaning the listener takes from what you say more likely will be drawn from what your face/body is saying.

You can observe the other person’s communication style. Whilst you do not want to mirror monotone or closed body language, adopting a style that is in direct contrast with the other person’s can be counter-productive. If you are trying to establish a good connection and common ground (essential in influencing), creating a synchronous visual conversation is a good way to start. Your body sends out many silent signals. Use positive, open posture, including the palms of your hands open to signal overall openness.

As far as verbal language is concerned, try to use active words and phrases such as ‘can’ and ‘will’ rather than passive ones such as ‘perhaps’ and ‘possibly’ and think about how you will say the words if you have the benefit of preparation. Use the four ‘p’s in your voice – pitch (the right level), punch (keep to the point), pace/pause (for thinking time – yours and theirs) and passion (professional but with feeling).

Listening and questioning

Influencers are great listeners. They have to be if they are to work on the common ground that exists between them. American politician Dean Rusk once said that, ‘the best way to persuade people is with your ears – by listening to them’.

So, real commitment to listening better is good but, to Steven Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, the problem is this:

 ‘“Seek first to understand” involves a very deep shift in paradigm. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand – they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives.’

It is those words ‘seek first to understand’ that are so crucial with the sage observation that, if we are preparing a reply, we cannot possibly be listening. Here are some key points to help you overcome this challenge:

• Conversation is not competition – do not improve someone else’s story with a better one of your own.
• Challenge your own disagreement with questions that do not reveal your disagreement: ‘That’s an interesting perspective. Why do you see it that way?’ or ‘What’s your experience of this? I am interested to hear how…’
• Use a calm tone to signal encouragement. Nodding your head tells the other person you are actually listening.
• Do not force yourself to listen if you are tired but suggest a better time to meet: ‘I would like to give this conversation the time it deserves. Why don’t we meet…?’
• Play back and interpret what you have heard – check understanding.
• A lot of people are prisoners of their own view of the world. They see their world as the only world.

Questioning goes hand-in-hand with listening. Use the WH open questions – who, what, why, where, when, how. ‘Why’ questions can sometimes be seen as revealing criticism, i.e. ‘Why do you see it that way?’, so use these with care. In order that others understand your world – what you need – it is important that you are able to understand the need of the other person. You cannot influence without this so use good questioning to do so. Probe sensitively with open questions and then summarise but beware premature articulation. Listen; do not advocate.

1. Decide what you want

Not only do you need to decide what you want, you also need to be clear on why you want it. Your need should be specific so that there is no misunderstanding when it is stated – to an individual or to a group.

At this stage you will also need to assess the ease or difficulty you will encounter in getting the change you seek. If the change is potentially transformational for example,  asking someone to behave in a new way, challenging the status quo suggesting something that is or high risk to the business, you will need to approach this strategically and recognise that results will come over time. Where the need to influence is immediate and the desired result small or is a part of an incremental change, then an approach that will work for you as a one-off will be needed.

2. The mental rehearsal

The mental rehearsal has two elements. The first is that we visualise the situation in which we are likely to find ourselves. Do you need to influence someone more senior to you (perhaps someone known to be difficult) to do something differently? Or do you have a new idea to present at a manager’s meeting where you know there will be resistance? You imagine yourself doing the thing you want to do and doing it well – much like Olympic sprinters self-actualising themselves racing down the track before the race.

The second element is the inner conversation you have with yourself about the impending situation and the tone this inner conversation takes. We call this the inner dialogue and differentiate, as assertiveness experts Kate and Ken Back describe it, between a sound inner dialogue and a faulty inner dialogue. The faulty inner dialogue can lead to passivity or aggression, depending on the nature of the inner-conversation. The sound inner dialogue gives the best chance of a productive dialogue with another person or between you and a group. So much for the theory – how does this play out in the real world? Here is an example.

Imagine that you need the support of another section or department head for a new initiative. The section head is known to be quite blunt and occasionally aggressive.

A faulty inner dialogue (in this case aggressive) might go:

‘John’s aggressive. But I can handle him. If I need to fight fire with fire, I will. He enjoys a good argument so, if we have to, that’s what will happen.’

Setting out with aggressive intent is rarely a good idea, even if there may be times, with certain people, where the relationship can thrive on a conversation style that others find threatening (whole marriages have been known to thrive on this basis!). It should never be the default start point.

A better approach (what we call an assertive sound inner dialogue) might go:

‘John can be aggressive. But that’s all right. I am not here to change him. If he’s blunt, that’s ok because it does mean that he has heard me, even if he doesn’t agree with me. I will listen to his objections, keep calm and not interrupt. I have prepared and I believe I can respond to his likely objections and also show how my new initiative will benefit him. I might not get John to agree the first time around but I can work at this over time.’

3. Using the three languages

This has already been covered in the previous section – Step 1: The core skills.

4. Establish common ground

Good listening and questioning helps you establish the needs and interests of the other person and these should be confirmed back to the other person or group. Assess what it is you share – the need to get a problem solved, a common interest in performance improvement – re-emphasise it and use this common ground as the basis for moving forward. This may take time, so do not force it. People may not be willing to move at the same speed as you.

5. Work on objections

If you have it, start by overcoming the mind-set that objections are bad. If you have an idea for improvement and you receive an objection, it could be a very good way of strengthening the idea. Objections can be used as a route to a more collaborative approach that will strengthen the relationship and develop optimum solutions that meet both of your needs. Knowing why someone objects is so much better than not knowing why someone does. Building on common ground requires excellent listening and questioning skills. Great questioning to establish the needs and wants of those you are trying to influence and committed listening to make sure the messages are heard. Refer back to the section on listening and questioning for quick tips on doing this well.

Why not be a bit clever here? You can pre-empt objections by securing early involvement. People love to be consulted and, if you can add a bit of flattery, so much the better: ‘Hi Sue, I am trying to do X. I would value your experience and input here. What do you think the big challenges are? What would you like to see happen?’

There is no need to guess others’ needs, though many seem to try. Just ask and then check back with the person to be sure you have understood, for example, ‘From what you are saying, this is not a good time for disruption just as we are launching our key new product. I can see that. So, we need to find a way of getting this done without detracting from the product launch.’

6. Aim for win-win

Aiming for win-win means that not only are you clear about your own needs, you are also clear that what you want has benefits for the other person. The relationship is preserved, perhaps even strengthened, by the collaborative nature of the conversation. Neuroscientists have even shown that rapport, connection and relationship efficacy (getting a result) trigger the release of feel-good chemicals within the brain. Because we like what makes us feel good and we want more of it.

1. Trust

This is not so much a strategy as a means by which the most successful influencers get what they want without even consciously recognising why they get it. You do not become instantly trustworthy. This strategy works for you because you have built up your trustworthiness over time in the same way you have built up your credibility. Trust is the basis of the most effective working relationships. If you are consistent, credible, honest, do what you say you are going to do, build on common ground and treat others reasonably and fairly, then people will see you as trustworthy. Of course, abuse the trust and you lose it and it can take a long time to get it back again.

2. Reputation

What is your track record? Do you have a good reputation? If you do, your capacity to influence will be greater the better it is. Like trust, reputation provides primary capital in getting what you want – particularly among those who may not know you well but who know of you. However, like trust, a great reputation should never be assumed and, even having it, does not mean cutting back on top-class communication skills or ignoring the needs of others.

3. Logic

Influencing does not just begin with deciding what you want but also with why you want it. There should be clear compelling reasons for this because these are your persuasive arguments in a situation where the simple matter of trust and your professional reputation have not quite worked for you. And, remember, you should not just be thinking about why you want something but also why what you want helps the other person or group.

4. Coalition

Where one person is weak, many are strong. If you have a difficult issue to raise in a meeting on which you want to secure agreement, you would be wise to obtain the support of those who agree with you beforehand. Perhaps you are not happy about something, a policy maybe, that you want changed and you know other peers feel the same. Join together. Coalition has even been used with an intransigent senior manager where team leaders collectively approach the manager for a change of direction, though this has to be done with great tact. Emphasising personal benefits to the senior manager is still important.

5. Doing a deal

Deals can be done implicitly or explicitly but implied is normally best. This means that, if your relationship with another person is strong, they will offer to help or support you (or vice versa) because there will be times when the roles will be reversed. The help may be inconvenient to them or you but, as responsible people at work, we recognise that effective relationships depend on give and take.

6. Command/force

The classic command and tell approach to getting your way is one strongly associated with traditional leadership styles. In certain situations it can work but it is no way to influence as a default style. The damage can be great if you explicitly do this in any situation other than when it is strictly necessary. Younger generations do not necessarily respect the job role any more, which means you will need to draw your authority from your own credibility. You lose credibility if you adopt this approach inappropriately and even more so if you adopt it with those who are not managed/led by you.

Purists may argue that it is not an influencing style at all – but it can work if all else fails.

7. Sanctions/higher authority

Say you need something done and a peer – say another team leader – is refusing to help. If, and only if, the first five approaches have not worked, then you have the option of approaching a more senior manager for resolution. This is strictly a last option when all else fails, as the relationship is likely to be damaged forever.

Organisational cultures

All organisations are different – cultures, ways of getting things done, pockets of power, vulnerabilities, and so on. Given these differences, your influencing approach may need to be adapted, according to the environment in which you operate.

Corporate lethargy

The lethargy virus is spread when a lot of people live in close proximity to each other. It is highly contagious and particularly challenging for influencers. You, naturally, should seek to make yourself immune through your own positive mental attitude but it helps if you can recognise the symptoms in others:

• People saying: ‘We can’t do that because…’; ‘We tried that years ago and it didn’t work’; ‘John won’t like it’ (delegating the objection!); ‘yes… but’, ‘the only way to do this is…’ (a classic sign of a closed mind) and the repetition of management speak, e.g. ‘It’s a no-brainer’, ‘singing from the same hymn sheet’, ‘thinking outside the box’ and ‘ducks in a row’ (what were once statements that had a meaning are now so ubiquitous that they no longer motivate – of course the users have no idea that they have become office bores).
• Viruses can lie dormant for a long time before becoming activated (by you?).
• They unify and strengthen when they find something they commonly want to reject (your idea?).
• Viruses can spread themselves by latching onto the most receptive hosts – this way they busily spread apathy (against you and what you want?).

So, as an influencer, how do you kill the virus? How do you strengthen cells, i.e. if you are following the metaphor, we mean those most disposed to support you.

1. Make potential supporters aware of the dangers to them of not supporting you but, better still, frame what you want to do in a positive way that has meaning for them.
2. Work on the most positive. Virus sufferers attack the most apathetic. It takes only a few to start a bandwagon.
3. Take on the role of devil’s advocate when you get the opportunity – constantly challenging people to see things in different ways.
4. Offer regular success stories, not just the presentation of the problem – regular evidence that change/difference is possible and nothing to be frightened of.
5. Where there are a large number of virus sufferers, try guerrilla tactics (see below).

Guerrilla tactics – a counter-intuitive approach!

We have already seen how forming coalitions can strengthen your hand in situations where you, individually, feel weak. Perhaps you want to influence your department head to change something so you bring together team leaders in order to strengthen your position. However, there are alternatives to this, particularly if you want to influence at a more strategic level but want to do so in a way that is not obvious. It should be emphasised that the word guerrilla does not mean confrontation – in fact, it is about the avoidance of direct confrontation, just like a guerrilla fighting force. And, like a guerrilla fighting force, it has its basis in using your own strengths as an individual or small group against something much bigger. First, you need to assess your own strengths, even as a small force:

• You are highly motivated (and if you are not, then do not bother).
• You can respond quickly to changing circumstances.
• Your personal discipline is easier to control than the discipline of a larger group.
• You can make small changes without drawing attention to yourself.

There are plenty of things you can try when up against something bigger than you. First, use the opportunities for interaction that already exist. For example, use casual conversation as a means of expressing what you are up to – the classic water-cooler moments are a great means of sharing subtle propaganda. Subtlety is so important – loudness means an easy target for the idea assassins.

Your motivation also gives you considerable advantage. Motivation will mean you can persist where others might give in. In fact, your motivational level will be tested. If you find you are losing heart quickly, then perhaps this was not the right idea or initiative.

Another approach is to adopt the traditional Chinese battle tactic of Suzhan Sujue (a quick battle to force a quick resolution/the small win and the quick escape). It simply goes:

• Assess the situation.
• Identify a moment of opportunity in the situation.
• Develop a quick action strategy that makes the most of the situation.

Sounds strange? Well, the next time you see someone or a small group who have a problem for which your idea/initiative provides an answer, share it and move on.

Meetings

Meetings present a prime opportunity to influence others. Too often, we have meetings because ‘that is what we do’. Often they go on too long and are badly run. But, there are few better opportunities to influence than having a captive group in front of you, ready to hear what you have to say, if you do it well.

My preparation

Do the following beforehand:

What is my purpose here? As with one-on-one influencing, you need to define exactly what it is you want and how you are going to sell it to at least some of the meeting participants. Climb into their worlds.

Mental rehearsal for the issue you want to raise – particularly for those issues that will stimulate debate. Refer back to the earlier section when we looked at sound inner dialogues.

Coalitions: one of the fears we have is that, ‘I will be the only person who thinks like this.’ Sound people out beforehand. Who feels the same way? Who will support you?

Scenario plan. Ask what kind of questions/objections/support you are likely to get. How will you react?

My performance

The three languages. Be clear in the way you express yourself. Adopt the appropriate tone of voice for the message. This should be thought about in your preparation. If it is a very serious message, then get the pitch right with a suitable level of gravity.

Check in with yourself. Body language; posture; making eye contact when you speak and using the minimal space around you, i.e. not rooted.

Support others. If you want support from others, support them when they need it most.

Use ‘I’ and ‘We’ appropriately. Use ‘I’ statements when expressing opinions rather than hiding behind others: ‘I think that’s an excellent idea’ or ‘As I see it, the problem is…’. Use ‘We’ when emphasising the common ground that exists between you and others and when expressing benefits.

Make connections. Link what you say to what others have said – building on common ground is so important and can be done by referring to others (they will feel flattered that you were listening!). ‘Sue, you made a very good point earlier. What I am proposing can help you because…’

Pick your issues. If you take an assertive stand on every issue, you run the risk of being ignored. You might be seen as negative or awkward. Decide what is really important to you – where do you need influence, what matters?

Follow up. Follow up on issues raised and commitments made.

You will find some of the techniques for influencing when making a presentation (below) useful when speaking in meetings, too.

An influential presentation

‘Nothing is so unbelievable that oratory cannot make it acceptable.’

Cicero

A one-off and very powerful method of influencing groups comes through the use of formal presentations and speaking less formally at meetings and team briefings. In fact, whole careers are made on the back of effective public speaking. This section is not an overview on how to present but, rather, it focusses on four very subtle aspects of presenting, which will really impact on how people remember your messages and the level of influence you will, therefore, subsequently have over a group.

Success

It is possible to assess how successful you have been as an influencer? What does success look like? It is possible to assess over the short term and the long term?

If you are serious about getting the things that are important to you, in 12 months’ time, look back and ask yourself which of your new ideas and initiatives have been taken up. Look as well at your failure rate. What is the success/failure proportion? It is unrealistic to expect everything you want want/need to be met and also unrealistic of this author to suggest what the success/failure rate should be but, on a pure gut feeling, how do you feel about what you have achieved over the last 12 months? Have you made progress?

The real test…

Are your relationships stronger than they were before? One of the key characteristics of effective influencers is, as was said in the introduction, that you are able to fulfil your needs through other people but also that relationships are strengthened as a result. You are paid, as a leader/manager to get results but to get these results with and through people and not despite them. Influencing is a prime means of doing this.

Step 1: The core skills

• Building trust, being credible and building a good reputation gives you influence. Click here to review.

Step 2: The six-stage process

• Influence does not mean you ignore the wants and needs of others. Almost everyone asks the WII FM question. Click here to review.
• Influencing means being clear on your needs, using excellent communication skills and preparing properly (the mental rehearsal). Click here to review.

Step 3: The seven influencing strategies

• Building on common ground creates a way forward. Click here to review.
• Consciously adopt the correct influencing strategy for the person and the situation, e.g. coalition when you are individually weak. Click here to review.

Step 4: Influencing for intrapreneurs

• Adapt your approach for different kinds of organisational cultures. Identify how to operate most effectively in your own culture. Click here to review.

Step 5: Influencing for groups

• Work on your public presentation skills. Click here to review.