CHAPTER 6
GOALTENDING
Staying the Course
One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.
—HENRY MILLER
NO MATTER WHAT you are exploring when coaching, you must be clear about where the conversation is going throughout the session. Without a clear, desired outcome for the conversation, clients can have revelations when talking through a dilemma, but they might not apply their insights to achieving what they really want. The difficult part of keeping the conversation on track is that what clients state they want to achieve at the start of the session will expand, shift, or completely change as you explore their beliefs, needs, values, and doubts. The new destination for the coaching must then be agreed on to ensure movement toward it by the end of the session. The moment clients commit to what they will do next to get what they really want, they feel a sense of completion.
THE BOOKENDS OF COACHING
When you stand up a row of books, you need strong objects on both ends to keep the books upright. These placeholders also mark the beginning and end of the row. You can swap, add, or remove books easily between the bookends. You can even change what you use as bookends, but you can’t remove either bookend without the row falling apart.
With no desired outcome, client stories ramble and often run in circles. While talking, clients might give new meaning to a piece of their story. They might even feel better about their role in the story, but the relief and confidence clients feel after talking out their problems is short-lived. They go back to their busy, complex lives and are quickly consumed by the overwhelm, anger, or powerlessness they felt at the start of the coaching session. Their story will continue to be a frustrating dilemma.
Three important practices for coaches to create strong bookends are (1) unwrapping what clients want instead of what they have now (“What do you want?”), (2) tracking their progress toward the stated outcome and tracking changes in the outcome for clients to confirm or restate (“What do you really want?”), and (3) coaching clients to crystalize their insights and commit to actions they will take to ensure progress toward their desired outcome (“What will you do now?”) (fig. 5).
This chapter will help you clarify and unwrap the best outcome for a client to move toward in the conversation. With a clear outcome in place, the coaching can then focus on what is getting in the way of this smart, resourceful client from achieving his or her desired outcome. Then you will learn how to track the coaching session so you stay focused on a desired result as it transforms. You will learn how to wrap up your session to ensure a commitment to growth in chapter 7.
Figure 5. The path of coaching.
UNWRAPPING THE DESIRED OUTCOME
A coaching session can be compared to the creative process of freestyle rap. Neuroscientists at the National Institute on Deafness and Other Communication Disorders scanned the brains of twelve professional rappers with an fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) machine. The scientists discovered that although the brain’s executive functions were active at the start and end of a song, during freestyle, the parts of the brain responsible for self-monitoring, critiquing, and editing were deactivated. In this context, the researchers explained that the rappers were “freed from the conventional constraints of supervisory attention and executive control,” so sudden insights could easily emerge.1
In other words, the rappers used the executive functions of their cognitive brains as they started rapping to deliberately set the intention of the composition up front. Once they had a sense of where they were going, they switched off their inner critic and analyzer. This allowed for more activity in the inner brain, where the eruption of new ideas—creativity—takes place. As they moved to closing out the song, their cognitive brains came back online to provide a consciously designed ending to the composition.
Like a rap, most of coaching should be spontaneous interactions with clients to surface beliefs, needs, values, and fears getting in the way of achieving a specific outcome. When the coach and client know the desired destination of the coaching session, the coach can more easily work in the present without much thought to identify what is keeping the client stuck. The interaction flows freely until they move to wrap it up at the end.
Although envisioning what the client truly wants might sound easy, it’s not. Stories trigger an emotional fog, clouding the view. Clients say, “I don’t know what I want” or “That’s what I need to do, to figure out what I want.” Don’t push them to see into the future. Relax and listen to their story. With reflection and curiosity, the emotional fog will dissipate. The outcome might not become clear in one session, but clients begin to understand better what they need to know to feel content with the direction they choose to take.
An Outcome Is Not a Problem or Process
It’s okay to start a session by asking, “What would you like to talk about today?” But don’t leave it there. Clients often jump in with the story that is circulating in their minds, generally one that is emotionally taxing. Fixing the problem in the story is not an outcome. To clarify what could get better or be achieved as a result of your time together, listen for key words and emotional shifts as clients talk. Share what you are noticing and ask how they would like this story to end. If the story represents a reoccurring pattern of behavior for your clients or the other people in the story, ask what they would like to have happen differently the next time this predicament arises.
The outcome often takes time to emerge. Once they envision an outcome they truly want, not one that others want for them, clients are more willing to commit to at least one step that will move them forward.
Typically, clients recognize the best solution to their dilemma as soon as they declare what they really want. Articulating their desired outcome may take a few minutes or half an hour as you sort through their stories. Then, even if they determine what they need to do now, they may need to muster courage and gain additional support to take the first step. Clarifying the outcome helps clients either see a new way forward or face what they knew they had to do all along. They can’t see this for themselves, especially when they are consumed by stress.
Most sessions start with identifying a problem to solve. Sometimes clients think they can resolve the dilemma if they sort through options and make a decision or they complete a list or plan to know what to do next. None of these actions define the outcome. You want to determine what solving the problem, making the decision, or completing the list or plan will give them. If they say the process they are requesting will help them know what step they need to take, you can start by sorting through options or items to put in their lists or plans. Then, during the session, you may discover a clearer picture of what vision they want to move toward. When you explore what is driving their urge to solve the problem or make the decision or plan now, you will unearth desires—possibly fears. If you ask what they would do if they were brave or what would they regret not doing a year from now, they might be able to fill in some details of the outcome they really want.
Clients often come to the conversation with a goal to make a decision, but the real problem is that they have made a decision they are afraid to step into. This is a common scenario when someone wants to leave a job, turn down a project, or take an action that could hurt a relationship. Their fears are compounded by guilt. When they explain their options, their emotions will likely reveal their preference despite their fears. Admitting to their preference will help them identify what is causing their fear and guilt and if the consequences are real, assumed, or exaggerated. The outcome they want to achieve is not making a decision; it is the vision of living their preference. Coaching then helps them determine when and how to take action considering which consequences they determined were real.
Another example is when clients claim they want more balance when they are really feeling unfulfilled, unappreciated, or under pressure to perform at work or at home. If you accept their initial goal of balance as the outcome, you will focus on time or task management. Instead, if you dig deeper to find out what is really draining their energy, not only will the flow of the conversation be more meaningful but knowing there is hope for the future will make their present circumstances more palatable.
People are often unsure what they want, or they are afraid to speak it out loud. Your job is to help them name what they want. Once their real desires are articulated, the actions they must take are easier to declare and commit to.
Once you listen to a client’s story and how he defines the problem, listen for the following:
- What does the person want to happen, even if he is uncomfortable saying it? Summarize, paraphrase, and encapsulate what the person perceives. Ask what he wants to have happen that he is not getting now. If he keeps slipping back into detailing the problem, bottom line the outcome you think he desires to achieve based on the story he is telling and ask for confirmation. Accept his response.
- What does the person feel is most important? Listen for a shift in emotion that indicates unmet needs. The client might even say, “What I really want . . .” or “Why can’t they just do this . . .”
- What is causing the person’s frustration, guilt, fear, or embarrassment? When a client uses the word but, explore the reality of the consequence he names after the but. The words following but generally describe a person’s fears or a limiting perception of what he must tolerate. Exploring this dynamic could lead the person to identifying a fulfilling outcome, even if achieving it will cause discomfort.
When you share what you heard and the emotions you noticed, you can better explore the client’s difficulty in stating what he wants instead of what he has. Then you can coach him to realize how he wants the story to end.
Topic versus Outcome
Clients might have only a topic to discuss, such as how to improve their leadership presence, how to deal with their reluctance to change, or how to build relationships with peers. Coaching doesn’t have to be about problem-solving. You may focus on personal or professional development.
You can still coach clients toward at least a preliminary outcome of the conversation, asking questions such as “What will you find easier to do once we explore this topic?” or “What is prompting you to talk about this now?” or “How will you know you are improving if you work on this?” Guide them to describe one scenario they would like to improve or define as a measure of success so coaching leads to progress in their development.
If clients are reluctant to designate an outcome, let them describe where they feel they are today in relation to their topic so you can pull out what sounds like a direction they would like to take, such as to have a more fulfilling job, to take better care of themselves, or to act with more confidence. Then you can invite them to describe what better or more might look like to start getting a sense of a destination.
Sometimes you can ask clients to visualize the best-case scenario related to the topic. You might ask questions such as “What does a strong leadership presence look like to you?” or “When other people embrace change, what do they do differently than you?” or “If you had great relationships at work, what would they look like?” The outcome will probably evolve once you coach them on what they need to do to move forward, but it’s good to start with a visible destination.
Clients often remain confused and discouraged and coaches feel they are letting their clients down if an achievable destination isn’t defined. Clarifying the outcome is one of the most powerful acts of coaching.
TRACKING PROGRESS AND ALTERATIONS IN THE OUTCOME
The process of drilling down to discover what a person really wants to resolve or achieve is often referred to as peeling the onion. A shift in the picture or a new outcome is revealed as you pare off layers of old beliefs and chip away at the armor protecting vulnerabilities. Then, either the visual of the outcome changes or it expands with a focus on new details.
Whether the outcome subtly shifts or it completely changes, you need to notice the shifts and changes and then make sure the client is okay with altering the direction of the conversation. Your client may choose to go back to the original outcome. Your job is to ensure the conversation is moving in a desired direction throughout the conversation so you don’t chase your client down distracting side roads.
The movement of a shift in desired outcome can be in one of the following aspects:
- The orientation of the outcome (shifting from solving the external problem to clarifying the personal dilemma to be resolved)
- One’s relationship to the outcome (keeping the outcome the same but envisioning oneself differently when defining what success looks like when the outcome is achieved)
- The pacing of achievement of the outcome (choosing to make a change immediately or moving the destination into the future with a longer range plan)
A client might choose to completely change the outcome. I often see this occur when clients say they want to find a way to change an undesirable situation at home or work. Then, when exploring their frustration, they blurt out their real desire to do something else. They have lost their drive to make things better. They have already decided to change but haven’t taken the steps to initiate the process. The coach, after reflecting the declaration and emotions expressed, still invites the client to choose the outcome to work on now. The client can opt to look at a different vision or stick with the initial outcome that was defined for now.
Horizontal versus Vertical Coaching to Define the Outcome
Horizontal coaching occurs when you use the initial client outcome as the destination for the session. You may ask a question to explore the meaning of words used in the client’s description or inquire about the importance of the outcome. Once the client responds, you might ask a few follow-up questions (fig. 6).
The objective of horizontal coaching is to formulate plans to move forward. The plans are often generic. Clients could probably create these plans without a coach if they took time to think about what they wanted to create. They use the coaching to sort through ideas, which is useful, but reasons that made the planning difficult to do on their own will likely reappear in the future.
Vertical coaching expands awareness. Outcomes tend to evolve as the coaching reveals desires for more personal goals or courageous commitments. Shifts are made at the identity level instead of just looking for new ways to solve a problem. In other words, you coach the person, not the problem.
Although vertical coaching also starts with what clients say they want from the coaching sessions and why this is important to them, it quickly moves to reflecting the beliefs you hear clients state when describing the dilemma that is hindering achievement of the desired outcome (fig. 7). Exploring beliefs might lead to identifying fears that social needs won’t be met or possible conflicts in values. In the process of this exploration, either the beliefs or the outcome shifts or changes.
Figure 6. Horizontal coaching.
Figure 7. Vertical coaching—examples of questions.
Sometimes clients just need a safe place to talk through options horizontally, but if they struggle making a decision or finding solutions, awareness-based vertical coaching is more effective than solution-focused horizontal coaching to resolve what is getting in the way of what they want to create.
For example, if you coach leaders, you will inevitably have a session focused on how the leader will approach a difficult conversation. You may ask what a successful conversation would look like. The leader will describe a positive interchange. Horizontal coaching would look at what might happen to derail the outcome and then what the leader will do to handle these disturbances. I’ve had these conversations. The leader may still delay the conversation. Or the leader may report an unsatisfactory result where he either gave in, not holding the other person accountable, or ended up being directive, telling the person what to do with no other interaction. The leader often blames organizational precedence and expectations from higher-ups for having to be directive.
If you were to coach the leader to go deeper into what he believes will make the conflict difficult, he might describe his fear of handling emotions that could show up. The outcome of the coaching would then shift to staying calm when emotions arise. Then, when you explore what could rattle his calmness, he might reveal his fear of being wrong or judged. With further exploration, you land on a belief such as “Just having to have this difficult conversation means I failed at being a leader.” The recognition of the belief leads to a conversation that shifts the desired outcome to his definition of good leadership.
When talking about leadership, Brené Brown says most people have been taught to believe that vulnerability is a weakness. “It’s hard, and it’s awkward. And, we don’t want to do it because we feel if we put ourselves out there, we’re going to get hurt. We’re going to fail. We’re going to be a disappointment.”2 Vertical coaching is needed for leaders, or anyone, to disclose why they are avoiding a difficult conversation. You might ask, “What would you do if you were brave?” The outcome will probably shift again.
What’s Getting in the Way?
My colleague and brilliant leadership coach in Singapore, Tony Latimer, says his coaching model is to find out what clients want and then coach them to discover what is getting in the way of their getting what they want. They often can’t see or won’t admit to what’s getting in the way. Once the block to progress is revealed, clients can better choose what they want to do next.
I add a few layers to Tony’s model to include the evolving outcome. Each time the outcome shifts, there is a new exploration around, “What’s getting in the way?” (fig. 8).
Exploring what is getting in the way of the smart, creative people you are coaching means you are curious about the beliefs, social needs, and values that hold their story together. Start with reflecting the beliefs you hear that define their story and the emotional shifts you notice. Then you can move into the context to see what they fear they will lose or not get if they don’t commit to act now.
Your reflections and questions might uncover the social needs at play. For example, a leader might share her fear of losing respect or credibility for a decision she has made. You might even uncover a conflict of values, where the leader feels the easy solution to the problem impacts her integrity (“It’s not who I am”). Yet she fears if she does what she really wants to do, she will be judged as being weak or not supportive of the bigger picture.
Figure 8. Discovering the real desired outcome.
Some clients might not believe they can achieve their desired outcome. I worked with a client who wanted to prepare for a difficult conversation with a woman who reported to him. As he started to plan, he said, “It won’t work. She won’t change.”
I asked, “If this is true, what do you need to do?”
He said he thought he could find some way to fix the situation, but he really wanted to help her find a new job she might enjoy better. The conversation would still be difficult, but his outcome shifted.
Once an outcome is stated, check the beliefs around what is achievable now. Clients may admit to unreasonable expectations, which will alter their outcome. If they don’t know if their desire is achievable, they may commit to researching what it will take to realistically achieve what they want. What researching looks like becomes the outcome.
Keeping the Outcome in Mind Even as It Shifts
While coaching, you want to keep in mind, “Where are we going?” If the outcome was clarified but the conversation is going deeper, ask if the outcome is still valid. As the client’s perspective shifts, ask what is becoming clearer or what the client now understands. Then share if you notice the conversation is going in a new direction. Let the client choose to refine the focus or shift the view of the outcome.
Inviting and Reinviting
Sometimes clients are so emotionally attached to their stories, they just keep restating the problem multiple ways instead of defining what they want. Even if they start to envision what an outcome might look like, they run back to describing past difficulties.
To avoid going backward in a session, firmly state that no progress will be made if they can’t find one positive outcome to move toward. You may need to ask multiple times what outcome they would like to create. Or you can choose one of their problems and invite them to describe a scene where the outcome is solved. If they are game, you then ask, “Is this the outcome you want to explore in our coaching, or is something more pressing for you?” Again, you may need to make this invitation numerous times.
Coaching is supportive and encouraging; it can also be uncomfortable and disconcerting when you have to steer the client to stay in the present moment with a view of the future. Once, after a coaching demonstration, someone in the audience asked the client if I annoyed her with how I kept redirecting her to an outcome in the coaching. She replied, “Yes, it was very annoying. And it was exactly what I needed.” You aren’t coaching to make clients feel better. You are there to help them see better—with clarity and confidence.
A coaching session needs to have a destination to keep it from being just a conversation about a problem. Even though clients may sort through their thinking while they talk, if the coach helps them clearly identify what they want to create to replace what they now have, the resolutions will be more profound and lasting. Because problems can have many layers, outcomes often morph and change during the session. Use the following tips to enhance your goaltending while coaching:
- When clients list a number of problems, encapsulate what you hear and invite them to choose what outcome they want to work toward first. Use their words to frame the invitation. An example is “Do you want your boss to treat you differently, or do you want to redefine your job so you wake up more excited to go to work?” Paring down options to work on one outcome gives clients both a clear destination and an affirmation of their greatest desire. If clients are reluctant to designate an outcome, let them describe where they feel they are today in relation to their topic. Then invite them to paint a vision that expresses what a better picture might look like.
- Recognize when the outcome shifts and reflect this to the client, using the client’s words. As clients examine their beliefs, assumptions, fears, and deeper desires, you may hear a shift in what they want as an end result. The shift could be big if the coaching moves from solving an external problem to resolving an internal dilemma that is exacerbating the problem. Or the shift might be a small change in direction or priorities after the client has a clearer view of the situation. Share what you are noticing about the shift in focus and ask how this relates to the original outcome. If the client agrees that what he wants is taking on a new form, ask him to restate the new outcome to ensure you both agree on the picture and the meaning.
- Listen for repeated words and emotional trigger points that spark anger, excuses, or blame. Share what you hear and notice. Repeated words such as control, not listening, and it’s too much are clues to defining what the client really wants. Ask how these words relate to the stated outcome. You might hear what the client fears she will lose or not get if she doesn’t resolve the problem, such as respect, credibility, security, or being liked. Does she need to change the picture to include getting her needs met? You might uncover a conflict of values, where the client feels what she wants isn’t what others think she should want—if she does what she really wants to do, she will fail or hurt others. As the client’s perspective shifts with new realizations, ask what is becoming clearer or what she now understands. Then ask if she would like to refine the outcome based on her new awareness. Imagining, refining, and redefining outcomes helps keep conversations moving forward instead of going in circles.