CHAPTER 7

NEW AND NEXT

Coaching Insights and Commitments

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.

—WILLIAM H. MURRAY

A COMMON REGRET of coaches occurs when they realize they missed the opportunity to confirm clients will define and commit to an action, even if the action is to take time to reflect. The opportunity missed does not happen after clients make a decision. The oversight comes when coaches don’t ask about a slight smile, gasp, or look of shock that indicates clients have landed on a truth or solution they had not seen before.

Here’s the scenario: The client had a powerful new awareness about himself or his situation. The coach felt good about the shift in perspective—so good, the coach forgot to make sure the shift in perspective is clear and then leverage the new awareness into a commitment to act.

This lapse is common because of the strong emotional shifts accompanying insight formation. As the new meaning comes into view, the client may experience embarrassment, sadness, or unease. If the coach holds a safe space for the client to process his reaction, he generally moves into acceptance. The discomfort subsides. He often breathes a sigh of relief. Coach and client share a sense of liberation; the client is finally free to move on.

The release feels like the end of the journey; it is not. It’s like when your bid to buy a house is accepted. You celebrate. Then you face the many steps you have to take to make the house your home.

Coaches may remember to ask if clients know what they want to do now that they see their situation differently. That’s not enough. Clients might say, “I know exactly what to do now, thank you.” They feel a sense of completion. Coaches may ask if clients have anything more to discuss, and clients will happily say no.

Without formally wrapping up the coaching session with a verbalized commitment to action, clients may forget what they thought they knew to do after the session ends. They might even lose the insight they had. They can remember they gained clarity on what needs to be resolved. They might have even articulated a few steps to take, but without exploring what could get in the way of implementing their plan, a host of circumstances could hinder their progress.

In chapter 6, you read about the need to provide bookends for your coaching, starting with defining the outcome of the coaching session. The row of books must be held up on both ends to keep the books upright. The bookend at the end of the row—the commitment to the next step—ensures clients crystalize their insights and the actions they will take to move toward their desired outcome.

YOU HAVE TO SAY IT OUT LOUD TO MAKE IT REAL

Before clients move into action, it’s important to anchor the new perspective by asking them to articulate what they are now seeing or learning. Then you can get their commitment to apply what they have learned before the conversation is over.

Much of coaching is shepherding clients to see what they have resisted or overlooked. Telling you their story is like recapping the scene of a play. They don’t notice all the details of the scene. They see only the props and actors in a way that supports the meaning they assigned to the narrative.

The brain is a meaning-making machine. It pulls from past experiences, old beliefs, ongoing fears, and present assumptions to instantly define what the senses take in. Coaching is intended to examine the meaning people give to situations to determine what else could be going on that would change their approach going forward. Imagine you are walking down the street. You notice a brown object on the sidewalk in front of you. You instantly determine it’s a rock. As you get closer, you notice the rock is really a paper bag. When you reach the bag, a squirrel dashes out. You gasp and laugh at the realization.

When your coaching brings what was overlooked or avoided to the surface, the sudden clarity can be surprising and often humbling. When what was concealed is revealed, the epiphany will trigger an emotional reaction in your clients. The reaction could be light with laughter or heavy with silence and full of guilt. The emotion could bring tears or an angry outburst. Clients might abruptly avert their gaze. Their eyes might glaze over and they might stop breathing.

No matter the intensity of the shift, don’t sympathize or try to diminish the feeling. They will breathe again. Use silence to allow them to fully experience the moment. Monitor your own breathing and patiently sit with the silence for about double the time you would normally tolerate.

Although you will give clients space to process their reactions, you don’t want to let this powerful moment slip by. They may start speaking on their own. No matter where they go in the conversation, or if they continue to be quiet, be sure to ask them, “Would you share with me what just happened? What are you seeing now?” The articulation may be immediate. They might need to talk through what they are coming to understand. Verbally processing the details can help the new belief take shape. As botanist Robin Wall Kimmerer said, “Finding the words is another step in learning to see.” Give clients all the space they need to understand what has emerged.

Giving words to what has been revealed is like seeing where a jigsaw puzzle piece fits in the picture. Articulating the learning and insights locks the piece into place in the story. The client and coach have a shared understanding to work with.

The shift that accompanies a new awareness could be slight, like when clients willingly accept fallacies in the assumptions in their story, or more profound, which often happens when clients explore the weight of social needs and values. The awareness might change their frame. These breakthroughs occur when the result of the insight strengthens or expands their perception of self in relation to a dilemma (identity) or they discover an entirely new view of what they now believe is true (reality). All these realizations must be articulated to crystallize the change in the frame.

Notice when the insight indicates a possible new outcome to achieve in the coaching. Statements such as “I don’t want to work so hard” or “I’ve been avoiding the risk” or “It’s hard for me to give up what I thought was the right way to be” or even “What a jerk I’ve been” could point to a new desired outcome. Invite clients to choose the direction of the coaching. Are they ready to look at what actions to take now, or do they want to redefine what they want to achieve based on the insight they shared? If they say they are clear about what they want to do now, ask how their actions will help them achieve the outcome they agreed to earlier in the session. If they say they want to make a plan but they will need to resolve something else, ask if they would like to address this new complication now or in the next session. The choice of what outcome to work toward always belongs to the client.

WHAT NOW?

So how do you know when to move into closing out the conversation with a commitment to action? It might be when clients land on an acceptable resolution to what was keeping them from achieving their desired outcome. It could be the moment they discover what they really want as an outcome and the steps are clear. If they have a profound insight or breakthrough, once it is articulated, you want to immediately explore if they are ready to commit to actions based on this new awareness (fig. 9).

When an insight is articulated that relates to achieving the desired outcome, coaching should test if it is time to put the bookend in place. Don’t linger. Hesitation and excuses can leak into the process. Turn the insight into a commitment to action by asking a series of questions:

1. What will you do now?
2. By when?
3. What could get in the way of your commitment (which may lead to Plan B or a more realistic plan)?
4. What other support or resources will help?
5. How do you feel about your insights and plans?

When clients share their plans, they feel more obliged to follow through. Commitments become promises. Clients are more likely to hold themselves accountable to their words. They are impelled by courage when doubts creep in.

Figure 9. The other bookend: turn insights into commitments.

Clients may say they need more time to think about what they now know. Accept they need some time to process their new awareness and ask them what thinking about their revelation looks like. When and where will they take the time to contemplate what they discovered? Ask clients to name at least one next step to ensure they move forward toward their desired outcome.

Clients may tell you they know what to do without planning. Once clients see themselves or the situation differently, they feel they have the answers they need. The new meaning has formed. They feel their next step is obvious. Remember that knowing and doing are not the same. Ask them to say what they are going to do so you both have the same expectation about what happens next. If they don’t articulate their intentions, they may still feel tentative after the coaching session ends.¹

Giving a voice to the insight may feel to you like the right time to move into wrapping up the conversation, but your clients may not be ready. As you move into exploring what to do with the insight, they may need to backtrack a little to sharpen the edges. You will know if more clarification is needed if they hesitate to define what’s next.

Follow their lead. If they hesitate to describe what they are now seeing or learning, use reflective statements to help bring their thoughts into focus. You may even ask them to share the new story that is unfolding and how they want this story to end.

END ON A HIGH NOTE

Before the session ends, ask clients to summarize their coaching journey from the start of the session to this moment. Let them describe their experience. If you think they missed an important shift, offer what you recall to acknowledge what else they accomplished. Remind clients of the work they did so they recognize their contribution instead of giving you, the coach, the credit for their growth.

Then, no matter what has occurred during the session, complete the session on the highest note possible, from recognizing they took time out of their busy day for coaching to applauding the courageous steps they took to achieve a breakthrough. If sessions go well, clients will praise you. Don’t take the bait. Remind them what they did to move forward.

If this is an ongoing relationship, recognize the milestones clients have reached over time. Appreciate them for sticking with the coaching even when they are busy.

As a part of creating closure, choose one or more ways to acknowledge your clients’ behaviors and progress at significant moments within and at the end of a session:

1. Describe a moment they were willing to be open or vulnerable that led to a significant shift in the coaching.
2. Recognize their growth since previous sessions.
3. Recall moments when they were willing to be vulnerable that helped them remove a barrier to success.
4. Notice milestones reached and commitments accomplished.

Humans repeat and build on specific behaviors that are positively recognized. You aren’t just saying nice things. You are reinforcing your clients’ commitment to growth by reminding their brains they can succeed. Because the brain wants to protect us from disappointment, embarrassment, and failure, focusing on what is working, even when progress is slow, gives your clients the rationale their brains need to support risk-taking.

Finally, ask the client to agree the session is over. You can ask, “Are we complete?” or “Do you want to set our next session?” or “Is there anything else you need for now?” You don’t need to fill in the time if several minutes are still left on the session clock. Let clients decide what to do with the time. They might appreciate ending early, or they might have another issue they want to address.

You both should feel the uplift of energy when the session ends. Even if your clients’ commitment was to spend time contemplating their new awareness because it was jarring, send them off by recognizing their willingness to reflect on what they want to change. Remember, the impact of coaching often happens after the session is over. The shift in perception embeds when clients apply what they learned about themselves to their daily lives.

LIFT UP A LOW NOTE

If at the end of a session, clients question the value of the conversation, acknowledge any progress made on defining the desired outcome or blocks to success. Forward movement in difficult situations often takes more than one session. You might ask them to jot down a few thoughts about the coaching session in a few days and email them to you. Since the best coaching often happens between sessions, their shift in thinking can take a few days to become clear. You can use the notes they send you to springboard the conversation in your next coaching session if they agree to maintain this direction.

If clients feel it is better to end the coaching relationship, acknowledge their honesty and honor their request. You might offer other resources that could be more useful for their immediate needs, such as mentoring, a book, a podcast, or a training program. You might even recommend another coach if they would like a different approach. Remember your purpose is to facilitate their growth, not to keep them as a client as long as you can.

If the ending has come after a long time together, be happy for the next chapter they are beginning. Recall the progress they made with you. Then, wish them well on their journey. Parting ways is inevitable. Don’t take it as a personal loss. Like parents letting their children grow up and move on, appreciate your clients’ desires to choose new ways to grow.

Reflective inquiry evokes insight. Yet a new awareness must be made tangible for clients to build on it with actions. Then, the coach must ensure clients’ commitment to taking the actions they declare they will do. Use the following tips to help ensure clients can clearly articulate what they have learned about their thinking and then declare their commitment to the actions they intend to take:

1. Epiphanies trigger emotional shifts. The shift might be slight, such as when your clients’ face goes blank. You might ask, “What just happened?” or “What are you seeing now?” The shift might be more discernable, such as an embarrassed laugh or tears. No matter the intensity of the shift, don’t sympathize or try to diminish your clients’ reaction. Use silence to allow them to fully experience the moment. When they indicate a readiness to move on, share the shift in emotions you noticed. Follow up by asking, “What does this mean to you?” or “What are you seeing that prompted the shift?” they might need to talk through what they are coming to understand. Give them all the space they need to grasp what has emerged.
2. Invite clients to choose the direction of the coaching after an important revelation. Their insight could indicate a new outcome to achieve in the coaching. After an important revelation, invite clients to choose the direction of the coaching. Are they ready to look at what actions to take now, or do they want to redefine what they want to achieve? If they say they are clear on the actions they want to take, ask how their actions will help them achieve the outcome they agreed to. If they say they want to resolve something else based on what they now understand, ask if they would like to restate what they want to achieve by the end of the session. Let clients choose which path to take.
3. Turn their intention to change into a commitment to action. When clients share their plans to act with completion dates, they are more likely to hold themselves accountable to their words. They may say they know what to do, but knowing and doing are not the same. Wrapping up the session with a commitment to do at least one thing, even if it’s taking time to reflect on the session, strengthens their conviction to act when doubts or busyness creep in.