WRAP-UP
BEYOND THE CONVERSATION
Coaching as a Lifestyle and a Culture
Who we are and what we do are so tightly connected.
—HERMINIA IBARRA
A YEAR AFTER I started my coach training, I was at lunch with a group of friends I had known for years. During the meal, one of them said, “Marcia, I want you to know how enjoyable you are to be with these days.” I sort of smiled and then asked what she meant. “It just feels so much more comfortable talking to you.” I tilted my head, prompting her to go on. “Well, like now, you listen more. I don’t know, you just seem more interested in us. Don’t get me wrong—you’re so smart, you always have good advice. And you tell great stories! But something has changed in you. I just wanted to let you know.” Everyone at the table agreed. My closest friend sensed my discomfort, lifted her glass to get everyone to toast our friendship, and changed the subject to a new restaurant she found that we should try out next month.
Those words haunted me for days. Was I an awful friend before? I disliked people who jumped in to give me advice before I could finish talking. Had I been the person that most frustrated me?
After days of exhaustive contemplation, I woke up thinking, “Well, they are still my friends. They call me when they have big problems to solve. They miss me when work gets in the way of our being together. So, I forgive myself for being a know-it-all in the past and thank God I found coaching!” That’s when I realized my coaching habits were becoming life habits.
I recalled one of my first coach trainers saying, “There is a difference between doing coaching and being a coach.” Coaching is not just about using skills in specific situations. As coaching gets in your bones, it’s a way of being with others. The mental habits of being present, receiving instead of listening, and releasing judgment change the dynamics of relationships. Using reflective statements followed by affirming questions decreases assumptions, keeping the conversation on the same page.
Clearly, my friends felt seen. Our connections deepened. My presence made a difference in our relationships. I realized I was on my way to being a coach.
BEING A COACH
If you are new to coaching, don’t wait until you feel confident to practice. Herminia Ibarra, professor of organizational behavior at INSEAD and Harvard, said we cannot develop ourselves by planning what to do in the future when we have more money and prestige. She said we need to start today by making small adjustments in our behavior because we are defined by “the things we do, the company we keep, and the stories we tell about our work and lives.”1 When people ask what you do, proudly tell them you are a coach. Whenever you have permission, engage others with coaching. When you witness the impact you have in helping people resolve dilemmas and move forward, you will begin to define yourself differently. Then, as your identity shifts, you move from practicing coaching to being a coach in all your interactions—face-to-face, on online platforms, in meetings, in hallways, and in your lunch conversations.
I wrote this book with the intention to demystify coaching for anyone wanting to have more meaningful conversations in all situations. I believe coaching keeps hope alive even in the most difficult times. We may not save the world. We may not even fix the forces that divide and cause harm. But we can inspire optimism and the will to move toward a vision of a better tomorrow when we give each other the gift of coaching.
BEING A COACHING CULTURE
In chapter 1, I described the influence coaching has on the brain to expand perceptions, help us see new possibilities, and inspire behavioral change. Whether you are the CEO or leader who champions coaching, consider bringing coaching into your organization. A look at the research done in companies teaching coaching skills to leaders has proven the power of coaching to improve productivity, engagement, and results.2
The number one reported benefit when organizations invest in building a coaching culture is increased employee engagement.3 Increased engagement produces many positive outcomes, including decreased absenteeism, lower turnover, and quicker adaptation to change.4 Organizations that commit to building coaching cultures provide coaching for senior leaders, train managers to use coaching skills, and encourage employees at all levels to seek coaching from managers and mentors to reach their goals.
A leader in one of my coaching classes in Kenya said, “You gave me a new dimension and techniques I have practiced ever since your program. As a result, I see the development of more leaders in our organization plus a higher level of service, improved staff morale, and commitment of heart and energy.”
A senior leader for a global shipping company said, “Every day I feel I am getting stronger in choosing the right words and forming the right questions. I understand others at a much deeper level. The results are impressive.”
Most companies start by teaching coaching skills to some of their leaders. I believe getting support from senior leaders to integrate the skills after the training is vital. Managers need to feel supported so they will take the time to regularly practice coaching until the skills feel like a natural part of their conversations.
When I teach coaching skills to leaders, I ask the CEO, or other senior leader if the CEO is not available, to open the session. These leaders often speak of their own powerful experiences of being coached. Many times, they’ve stayed all day.
Before delivering training programs, I strategize with the internal sponsors of the program about how to measure results so they have evidence that will inspire the entire organization to embrace coaching. Some of my clients have created short videos to share with all employees, even factory workers, featuring what they will gain when their leaders use a coaching approach in their conversations. Please reach out to me if you want examples of organizations that have worked toward being a coaching culture.
At the beginning of my classes I ask leaders what they will be remembered for after they move on. At the end of the program, I ask the same question. Their answers change. Learning how to hold meaningful conversations with coaching changes lives in ways we all want to be remembered for.
COACHING MAKES A DIFFERENCE
Looking back now over the twenty-five years I’ve been coaching, I am grateful for being able to hang out with coaches around the world. I still enjoy being with old friends, but I feel most at home with coaches who are passionate about the differences we are making with coaching.
In our divided, disconnected world, coaching brings people together. When people are overwhelmed, stressed, and angry, coaching reminds them of their purpose, visions, and power to move forward. Coaching gives hope to their desires. With just one reflection and one question, coaching can expand who they think they are and what they can do with their one, valuable life.
I applaud you for doing the exercises in this book no matter how you planned to use coaching when you opened the book to the first page. I am grateful for your commitment to find your way to these last pages. As Margaret Wheatley says, you are “a warrior of the human spirit.”5 Thank you.