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36

ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF

The Discomfort Will Be Worth It

“I tell the comp committee: ‘Pay me the most you can. Then push and pay me even a little bit more. When you reach the height of what you can pay, dig deeper.’ After all, this is how I advocate for our clients. Why wouldn’t I advocate for myself?” says Brad, a lawyer.

Can you be as direct as Brad? If you’re nodding yes, then perhaps I should put you and Brad together to run a workshop on asking for what you’re worth. Everyone else, read on.

Repeatedly, I have clients call me, frustrated about failed salary or promotion discussions, angry (at themselves and their bosses) that they accepted offers that were underwhelming, demeaning, and, at times, disrespectful. Is this familiar? You enter the performance review with your manager feeling confident, hopeful that you will get a decent bump in pay and feeling good about all that you have accomplished this past year. And then . . . you’re told you weren’t as great as you’d thought, or you were awesome but the company is capping salary increases, or “Here’s a great big bonus” (but it’s not really that big or that great). This wasn’t the way it was meant to go. Your chest tightens, you’re unable to open that mental file filled with this year’s wins, and you are starting to feel sick. Get me out of here! You want the tension to stop, so you acquiesce. Success. There’s immediate relief. But not for long. You leave the meeting and demotivating resentment kicks in. If you don’t take further action, your relationship with the manager (and others) deteriorates. Advocating well for yourself restores and deepens workplace connections and enhances self-respect.

True, there are situations when it’s best to simply say, “Thank you,” but more often than not, the necessary conversation doesn’t happen because you wanted out of there. Don’t run. Channel your connecting superhero confidence and stay put. Give voice to your discomfort, express your disappointment, and ask if your superior is willing to work through this awkwardness so that together you might find a more satisfying solution. Naming the tension releases some of the emotional pressure (for both of you). Not a good time to go into the details of why you are being denied what you thought you were worth? Pick a date to continue the conversation before you leave. Acknowledge that this can’t be easy for your boss; underscore your commitment to the job. Remember this discussion ultimately is about what you can do for your boss—and that’s why you are being paid. Ask open-ended questions—who, what, when, and why—to learn more about the company’s priorities in the coming year and help your manager get excited about achieving them with your help. Speak in terms of “we.”

The traits associated with the highest levels of success at work—perseverance, tenacity, and doggedness or “grit”—have been studied extensively by Angela Duckworth. Grit was a more accurate predictor of whether an incoming cadet would complete the first summer of basic training at West Point than academic GPA, Military Performance Score, and West Point’s own Whole Candidate Score. Grit also predicts the success of female attorneys in major law firms. It’s not enough to have talent, says Duckworth. You need to work hard, bounce back, and persevere. Next time don’t get angry. Get gritty. Push through the discomfort.

THIS IS FOR YOU IF

•   In the moment you opt to relieve tension rather than pursue a difficult conversation.

•   It’s hard to stay motivated when you feel so undervalued.

•   Feeding others is easier than taking care of yourself.

TAKE ACTION

Images   Be clear about your goals. Are you asking for a raise or a bonus? Write down the number before you enter the negotiation.

Images   Ask for what you’re worth. Don’t apologize and devalue yourself.

Images   When your employer preempts your request by “giving” you something you “should” be thankful for, consider it the start of a negotiation, not a done deal. Rather than saying (lying), “That’s so generous of you,” try, “That’s a good place to start, but it won’t close the gap between my market value and current salary.”

Images   Avoid the trap of making it easy for the person with whom you’re negotiating. Stay put and don’t retreat at the first hint of tension. Don’t fill the silence.

Images   Focus on mutual wins. What does the other person or the enterprise need for success, and how can you uniquely contribute? Make the conversation about them, not about you and your disappointment or unpaid rent.

Images   Offer to help your manager argue on your behalf. What information would help your boss influence their manager? Prepare those materials.

Images   Create a visual tool. Chart out what you need immediate help with or support for. Put that in red to indicate urgency. Use amber to alert your audience to potential issues and green to illustrate what you have under control. The green is very important as it is a reminder of what you have contributed and validates why your requests are worthwhile. In your meeting, focus on the red to be sure that your needs are met, but leave the chart behind—in paper form (and follow up with a thank-you note and attach a soft copy that can be used by others advocating on your behalf).

Images   Getting to the right solution is often hard. If your salary is capped, be creative. Look for other forms of compensation, such as press coverage, paid meals, parking, or travel expenses. Perhaps moving your desk and shifting your hours would make work more enjoyable (that’s a real value).

Images   If negotiations didn’t end the way you wanted, ask if they can be revisited in three or six months.

KEEP IN MIND

•   In their 1969 song, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” the Rolling Stones said it well, further suggesting that it might be possible to obtain only what is really essential.

•   Our mind can play tricks when requests are met with ease; suddenly, we find ourselves dissatisfied.

CASE STUDIES

Keep Your Head in the Game

Katie was a collegiate athlete known for her fearless offense on the basketball court. A loyal employee with more than 16 years at the same advertising agency, Katie continually took on new responsibilities but frequently didn’t receive the salary increases commensurate with her expanding role. We decided it was time for a reset. We identified “the number” that would reflect her worth and created several avenues to achieve it (through base pay, bonus, stock options, and perks). In anticipation of the meeting with Josh, the tough head of human resources, Katie had prepared salient examples of her recent successes and vibrant ways to communicate her vision for the future.

Her stomach was in knots entering his office. Josh greeted her warmly, complimented Katie on her accomplishments, and told her how much she was valued. She relaxed. He shared the expectation that she would have even more authority in the coming year, and she beamed. Her initial anxiety dissipated. She was having fun! Josh then told Katie that she would be paid 2 percent more than last year, and she hardly heard it. She felt a burning sensation rush through her body, and all she wanted to do was flee. She wanted immediate relief. The much needed (and practiced) determination had melted while she was basking in Josh’s praise.

Preferring to feel good with her colleague, Katie had been quick to relinquish her fight in exchange for the warm glow. When Katie called me that evening, she was frantic, frustrated, and disappointed. We reviewed “the seduction” and revived memories of times when she felt most confident charging through opponents. We invoked the muscle memory of being an athlete when no amount of hand-waving, screaming, or fancy footwork stood in the way of a goal. Katie asked Josh for another meeting. This time she was prepared to sit with the tension and to forcefully insist on a new salary. It worked. She didn’t get all that she wanted, but it came close. We were convinced that Josh could literally feel the change in her, and Katie was going to enjoy the game to get to her desired number.

We Both Win

Franco brought out the best in people, which was a huge asset as a professional photographer. He recently set up his own shop, having apprenticed with some of the top names in the field. We worked together on articulating his brand. We created brochures that listed his services and the associated prices. When potential customers called, Franco didn’t give in to the temptation to quickly make a deal. The materials gave Franco the confidence to say, “These are our policies.” It made it more official and less personal. When customers challenged fees, Franco was defending the company brand.

This helped at the contracting phase. It was harder to set limits once clients received the footage from their shoots and pushed for endless retouches. Franco wanted to build his reputation and often acquiesced. As a result, he was spending endless uncompensated hours in the studio. We came up with a plan. Franco would advocate for additional fees from the outset, but when that wasn’t possible, he would ask for nonmonetary payment, such as photo credits and invitations to corporate-sponsored events where he came as a guest and snapped shots to post on his own social media platforms. Generating in advance a list of alternative ways for his clients to meet his needs reduced Franco’s resentment and enabled a mutually beneficial partnership.

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