8

Put It All Together
How to Solve Big, Sticky, Complicated Problems

Welcome those big, sticky, complicated problems. In them are your most powerful opportunities.

—RALPH MARSTON

Now that we’ve built our entire skill set, let’s quickly review each step we covered and then see what the skills look like when applied to a rather big, sticky, complicated problem. This will help us see how a real person during a real conversation might pick and choose from the toolbox of skills we’ve been building so carefully. Not all the skills will be needed all the time, and so we must have a way of thinking about which skills apply and when and where.

THE BIG IDEA FROM EACH STEP

Choose What and If

image What. Ask yourself what you really want. You can talk about the content, the pattern, or the relationship. To stay focused, ask what you really want.

image If. Are you talking yourself out of an accountability conversation? Don’t let fear substitute for reason. Think carefully not just about the risks of having the conversation but also about the risks of not having it.

Master My Stories

Instead of assuming the worst and then acting in ways that confirm your story, stop and tell the rest of the story. Ask: “Why would a reasonable person not do what he or she promised?” “What role might I have played?” When you see the other person as a human being rather than a villain, you’re ready to begin.

Describe the Gap

Make it safe by starting with the facts and describing the gap between what was expected and what was observed. Tentatively share your story only after you’ve shared your facts. End with a question to help diagnose.

Make It Motivating and Easy

After you’ve paused to diagnose, listen for motivation and ability. Remember, you rarely need power. In fact, power puts you at risk. Instead, make it motivating and make it easy. To do that, explore the six sources of influence. Remember to consider social and structural sources of influence.

Agree on a Plan and Follow Up

Remember who does what by when and then follow up. This idea is simple and serves as its own reminder. Then ask to make sure you’re not leaving out any details or missing any possible barriers.

Stay Focused and Flexible

As other issues come up, don’t meander; consciously choose whether to change the conversation to the new issue. Weigh the new infraction. If it’s more serious or time sensitive, deal with it. If it is not, don’t get sidetracked.

Let’s see how all these steps apply to an extended example.

IS IT YOU, OR IS IT ME?

For the last six months, Ricky has avoided discussing a potential problem with his wife, Elena, because he’s worried that he may be at fault. His first wife had cheated on him for a full year before he figured out what was going on. That had rocked him to the core. Not only was he devastated by her infidelity; he reeled at his own inability to spot the early-warning signs of something as serious as adultery.

Ricky was slow to enter another long-term relationship: once bitten, twice shy. That explains why he dated Elena, a friend from church, for four years before convincing himself that his first marriage was a fluke and that Elena was unlike his first wife. Then he took the plunge. After three years of marriage to Elena, Ricky fell into a running debate, constantly bickering—with himself. He began to see signs that maybe something bad, even hideous, was going on behind his back, but he wasn’t sure if Elena was acting inappropriately or if he was being unnecessarily suspicious. Thus, Ricky remained silent.

Clearly, Elena had changed. She appeared to be more secretive about her e-mail, quickly exiting from it when he entered their home office. She took more phone calls out of the room than ever before. As Elena successfully explained those behaviors (it was job related and thus uninteresting), a third issue drove Ricky’s internal debate to new heights. Elena had begun working a great deal more overtime. This had happened off and on throughout their relationship. But what made extended hours more troubling lately was that her new supervisor was an ex-boyfriend, and some of the late-night work was with him.

Let’s walk through this delicate conversation with Ricky. Read the following sections carefully. Two times he’ll have to step out of the conversation and restore safety.

CHOOSE WHAT AND IF

Should He Confront the Gap?

Ricky became crystal clear about the need to have a conversation with Elena when he realized how he and Elena were acting out rather than talking out their problems. His concerns were showing up in a subtle cooling toward Elena. Sensing his withdrawal, she punished him by withdrawing into work. As Ricky considered the clear effect of the absence of conversation on their relationship, he was suddenly certain that he needed to say something. Silence wasn’t helping.

What Does He Really Want?

As Ricky thinks about it, he determines that what he really wants is a loving, warm, and enduring relationship with Elena. He doesn’t want to accuse her of infidelity and drive a bigger wedge into a struggling relationship. What he should do is discuss what is absolutely true: he is worried about their relationship, both about her loyalty and about his paranoia. This is the topic he chooses to address. Asking what he really wants helps him clarify the issue and avoid spiraling into defensive emotions.

MASTER MY STORIES

Tell the Rest of the Story

Ricky’s first challenge is his own mental state. He strongly suspects that Elena is cheating on him. He’s almost certain of it. Furthermore, he is certain that if she is being unfaithful, she will lie to cover it up. That’s what happened in his first marriage. It’s what guilty people do. Because Ricky is so certain that Elena will lie, his natural tendency is to charge in with an accusation, hoping to startle her into revealing something. He’ll be able to tell what’s really going on by her reaction.

To take control of his emotions, Ricky examines his story. He vigorously attempts to generate alternative explanations for Elena’s current behavior. He tells the rest of the story. He does his best to determine why a reasonable, rational, and decent person might do what she’s doing. What influences could explain those behaviors beyond the fact that she’s a lying cheat? Here are a few of the other factors Ricky considers as he contemplates all six sources of influence:

image Ricky knows that Elena has a strong desire to succeed. She is climbing the ladder at work and is willing to pay the price.

image She may be avoiding talking to him because she worries about having an ugly confrontation.

image He clearly is contributing. He has taken to making sarcastic comments about the time she spends with her boss. He has been much less affectionate lately. Of course she finds less joy in being around him.

image Elena has seemed especially anxious about their expenses. That could be showing up in her acceptance of more overtime.

image Their work schedules are keeping them from spending much time together. That can’t be helping.

As Ricky explores alternative explanations, something profound happens to him: he calms down. Of course, he’s careful to not let this line of reasoning talk him into blaming himself or withdrawing from the conversation. His goal is simply to balance the “lying, cheating” story with other possibilities. He wants to be able to enter the conversation without adrenaline coursing through his veins, turning him into a slavering moron. The effect of this is significant. The new story creates a sense of curiosity and compassion. He begins to hold his suspicions more tentatively. He still wants to talk but is less inclined to become emotional and leap in with an accusation.

Ricky worries that anything he says about a possible affair is likely to make Elena nervous, and so he decides to start by making it safe. He does that by using his two safety tools: he establishes Mutual Purpose by talking about common ground, and he uses Contrasting to clarify any possible misunderstandings.

MAKE IT SAFE

Establish Mutual Purpose and Use Contrasting

Here’s how Ricky begins the conversation:

RICKY: I have some concerns I’d like to discuss. My worry in raising them is that it’ll sound like an accusation, and I don’t want that. I notice these concerns are affecting our relationship, and I don’t want us to feel distant from each other. I think if we could work this out, it would help us get back to how things were until a few months ago. Would that be all right?

ELENA: Works for me. What’s been bugging you?

DESCRIBE THE GAP

Once Ricky has done his best to create a safe climate, he tries to describe the gap by starting with the facts and ending with a question. This is how he proceeds:

RICKY: Well, stay with me for a minute here; this’ll take a little telling. (He continues by describing some of the behaviors he saw in his ex-wife and some he is seeing in Elena. As he starts to ask Elena for her point of view, she cuts him off.)

ELENA: I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Are you accusing me of cheating on you? You’re so paranoid; this just can’t work. (She starts to leave.)

MAKE IT SAFE

Obviously, Elena is acting as if she’s still feeling unsafe. Ricky will have to continue using his safety skills: reestablishing Mutual Purpose and using Contrasting. Here is how the conversation proceeds.

RICKY: Elena, I know it might sound paranoid. To be truthful, I don’t know what’s going on. As I’ve thought about it, I don’t think you’re cheating, and I’m sorry to make it sound that way. But I’m seeing enough similarities that I can’t not worry. I need to talk this through both to find out what’s really going on and to find a way to keep my concerns from getting in the way of our relationship. I don’t mean to be offensive, but not talking about it won’t work for me. Can we please talk?

ELENA: I’ll try. This is pretty hard to listen to.

DESCRIBE THE GAP

Once Ricky has done his best to create a safe climate, he finishes the opening lines by asking a question to help diagnose the root causes of the problem.

RICKY: Can you see how the behaviors I described would lead someone to worry?

ELENA: I suppose. But you don’t need to. (Elena obviously has calmed down and appears ready to discuss the issues honestly.)

RICKY: Well, I’d like to hear how you view what’s been going on.

MAKE IT MOTIVATING AND MAKE IT

EASY Explore the Six Sources of Influence

Ricky tries to understand why Elena is spending less time with him and more time at work with her ex-boyfriend. Here’s what he learns:

image Elena has never owed as much money as they currently owe. Her father spent a great deal of time unemployed, and she’s anxious about getting behind on their mortgage.

image She didn’t want to bring up the money issue with Ricky because she was afraid that she didn’t know how to have the conversation without offending him.

image Elena is having a very difficult time working for her boss (her ex-boyfriend) because he seems to be punishing her for breaking up with him by being hypercritical of her work. Plus he’s not giving her all the resources she needs.

image Most late nights Elena isn’t working with him; she works with her team. She’s hoping to feel more secure in her job by overperforming.

image She’s been less affectionate with Ricky because she’s stressed and tired and because she’s noticed his withdrawal.

Ricky and Elena jointly brainstorm solutions that might work. For example, perhaps her financial anxiety would lessen if they dropped their club membership and returned an expensive leased car so that they could start putting away money for a rainy day. She could also look more aggressively at transferring into a less stressful boss-subordinate situation.

As the conversation continues, Elena makes the following sarcastic comment and then goes quiet:

ELENA: I guess I can do all the sacrificing again.

STAY FOCUSED AND FLEXIBLE

Don’t Meander; Choose

Ricky recognizes the new issue and decides to discuss it. It would appear that Elena feels she’s being asked to do more than he is doing, and he wants to explore this point.

RICKY: You’re the one who had to make all the accommodations when we first moved here. I didn’t realize that was an issue for you. How about if we talk about that and then return to the other topic?

ELENA: I expected you to give up some of your ambitions too. It’s been disappointing that you could just let me do all the giving while you do all the taking.

AGREE ON A PLAN AND FOLLOW UP

Decide Who Does What by When and Follow Up

After talking for quite some time, working through some issues, and jointly exploring solutions, they agree on some changes they’ll make, clarifying exactly what each person will do and by when. Then Ricky suggests that they talk about it again at the end of the next week and see how things are working both with his worries and with her feelings of not being supported.

 

CHAPTER SUMMARY

And so there you have it—all the skills applied to a single problem. And here’s the good news: it reflects how you and other accountability experts behave on your best days.

A FINAL COMMENT: CAN PEOPLE REALLY DO THIS?

A rocket scientist contemplates talking to her boss about a potential safety problem with a new propellant but chooses not to say a word because she figures that it’ll just get her into trouble. For months on end she walks around in a funk, wondering if something horrible will happen. A nurse wonders about making a suggestion to a doctor that could affect a patient’s health but holds his tongue rather than incur the physician’s wrath. As this unspoken interaction continues, he too lives in a cocoon of worry and doubt. A husband chooses not to question his wife about her suspicious behavior and then lives with the haunting possibility that she may be having an affair.

And so we’re back where we started—living the tortured life of the silent majority. We routinely refuse to step up to bad behaviors—despite the fact that they’re causing us horrific pain—because we figure that it’s better to suffer in the current circumstances than run the risk of saying something dangerous or stupid. It’s the same old mental math problem. Here’s the formula: if we speak up, we could fail. We also might do nothing to solve the problem. In fact, we could create even worse problems for ourselves. We do the calculations, and the answer that pops into our head is “H-O-L-D Y-O-U-R T-O-N-G-U-E.”

But not forever. We suppress our gripes until one day our dark side shows itself. Our ugly stories create a brew that eventually fuels us with enough energy to take scary actions and dumbs us down enough so that we think that what we’re about to do is okay, even the right thing to do.

And so we alternate between silence and violence. First we think, “I can’t believe I just said that,” and so we shut down. Then we think, “I’m not taking this abuse any longer,” and so we fire up. This unhealthy cycle might be best described as the social version of quantum mechanics. We jump all the way from silence to violence without ever passing through the intervening space separating the two. We don’t pause in the land of crucial accountability, where we converse about violated expectations in a way that eventually solves the problem and improves on the relationship. To us, the lovely place where ideas flow freely and honesty rules doesn’t exist. Here’s the interesting part: neither silence nor violence serves us, our relationships, or our purposes, and yet we still toggle.

The solution to this reaction to violated promises lies in our ability to step up to high-stakes accountability conversations and handle them well. We see a problem and speak honestly and respectfully. But far more frequently than most of us are willing to admit (like the rocket scientist, the nurse, and the husband), we don’t say a word because we don’t know how to handle the conversation, or we fear that we don’t know how. We’re not bad people. We’re just frightened. And we’re not frightened because we are inherently skittish; we’re frightened because we believe failure looms on the horizon. Or so we think.

If only one message emerges from this book, it should be the following: you can step up to a broken promise and handle the conversation well. You already do that on your best days. And when you can take it no longer, you try to do it on your worst days. Now that you have a systematic way to think about accountability conversations and are armed with skills that really work, more days can be your best days.

Equally important, when it comes to holding big, sticky, complicated conversations, you don’t have to leap out of a plane without a parachute. Nobody’s asking you to take a terrible and irreversible risk. Here’s why. The first two skills, “choose if and what” and “master my stories,” take place in the confines (and safety) of your own head. By stepping up to problems that should be handled and picking the right one, you’re ensuring that your effort is worthwhile. By doing your best to keep your emotions under control, you’re taking an important step toward acting rationally and reducing resistance and defensiveness. Once again, this is all done before you say a single word. No risk there. Also, these actions alone keep you from charging in and ruining the conversation with your first sentence. This alone doubles your chances of success.

You then move from thinking to talking by discreetly and calmly describing the gap. This is the first time you’re exposing yourself to any risk whatsoever. But you’re doing your best to describe behaviors, not share ugly conclusions. You’re a scientist, not a critic or judge. This humanistic approach helps keep the conversation professional and objective.

Now, after sharing one sentence or possibly two, you end with a question, not an accusation. You’re not three sentences into the conversation, and you’ve paused to listen to the other person. This too minimizes the risk. You’ve observed some things, and you’re wondering what’s really going on. What’s the other person’s view?

What if the other person takes offense or maybe even becomes angry and abusive? You can stop and deal with the new problem, or if you’re feeling befuddled, you can always take a strategic delay. Back off and take time to rethink your approach. This is a conversation, not a gauntlet. It has exit points.

Let’s say the other person responds favorably. He or she doesn’t explode or become offended, but merely explains what’s happening. He or she is either unable or unmotivated to keep the broken commitment. Or maybe both. That’s it.

Consider motivation. This isn’t particularly dangerous either. You’re not trying to motivate others. You’re not trying to figure out how to generate enough power to force others to comply. Best of all, you’re not trying to change underlying, immutable personalities. Your job is simply to make it motivating.

To do this, you jointly explore the forces that cause the task to be motivating or not motivating. This requires you to do nothing more than share natural consequences and listen for the other person to share any additional consequences you may not be aware of. You don’t have to pummel people into submission. You may even choose to back off from your original request if it becomes clear that continuing on the original course doesn’t make sense. You too can be influenced. When it comes to motivation, you’re relying on dialogue, not diatribe.

What if the person isn’t able? Once again, your job isn’t to force others to do the impossible. By definition, that can’t be done. Your job isn’t even to force others to do the difficult, not over the long run at least. Your job is to make it easy. How risky is that? Jointly examine forces that are serving as barriers. Jointly come up with resolutions.

It’s little wonder that our friend Melissa at the manufacturing plant and the thousands of other positive deviants we studied step up so willingly to accountability conversations. They do this not because they are more courageous than the rest of us but because they are more skilled. They carry different math into the interaction—math that propels them into a virtuous cycle. Their skills lead to success, their success to confidence, and their confidence into trying even more skills, and the cycle continues.

How about you? Are you ready not to rumble? Are you ready to hold an accountability conversation that has been keeping you from something you really care about? To give your skill set a final boost, turn to the next chapter, where we look at the ins and outs of several interactions that are both common and challenging. They are the high-stakes conversations that people tend to worry about the most.

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