Index

Abandonment, 209–210

Ability

barriers, 161–163, 169, 229

commitments and, 145–169

considering, 80

motivation and, 146–151

Abuse

emotions and, 64–65, 185, 229

military, 245

workplace, 245

Access, to information, 165

Accountability

arbitrary, 176

corporate, 2

erratic approaches to, 49

improving, 14–15

in Who, 205–206

Action, path to, 79, 110, 194, 199

exploring, 190–194, 197

model of, 58, 101, 186

Advice

necessary, 163–166

quick, 153–155

vague, 244

Airline tragedy example, 7–8

Allen, Woody, 1

AMPP listening tools (Ask, Mirror Paraphrase, Prime), 191

Anger, 185–187, 254. See also Emotions

bosses and, 139, 185–186,

dangers of, 57

dealing with, 187–189, 229

increased, 30–31

Answers, not having, 158–159

Asche, Solomon, 42

“Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime.” See AMPP listening tools

Asking, 191

for feedback, 167–168

for ideas, 155–163

permission, 97, 167

for questions, 206

Assessment, self, 13–14, 253–257

Assumptions, making, 59–61, 203–204

Attribution

errors, 60–61

studies, 59–60

Authority

adequate, 260

bosses and, 232–233

confronting, 232–235

partnering with, 136

questioning, 8–9

Award ceremonies, 267–268

Balance

confrontation/confirmation, 268

work-life, 246, 250

Barriers

ability, 161–163, 169, 230

bridges v., 68, 74–76, 261

exploring, 153

removing, 151–153

Battles, choosing, 248

Beginnings

hazardous half minute in, 57–59

safety in, 57–59, 89–100, 110–111, 223, 236–237, 270

Behavior

bad, 85–88, 227

borderline, 243–245

Benefits, long-term v. short-term, 128–129

Bierce, Ambrose, 83

Birthday card example, 266–267

Borderline behavior. See Behavior

Bosses. See also Employees; Leadership; Workplace

anger and, 139, 185–186, 194–195

combative, 39

creating safety for, 233

defensive, 99–100, 108–109, 232–233

demanding, 245–247

as ex-boyfriend, 220, 225

explosive, 139, 185, 194–195

held hostage, 241–242

narcissistic/authoritarian, 232

as opinion leaders, 5–7, 11

at plywood mill, 1–2, 3, 4, 5–7, 14–15, 16, 88–89, 123–124, 229

public works, 17

raises promised by, 26

top, 249–250

Brainstorming, 170

ability barriers, 161–163, 169

solutions, 239

Bridges v. barriers, 68, 74–76, 261

Broken promises. See Promises, broken

Buck, passing, 87

Carlin, George, 55

Carping, 235

Carrots/sticks, 68, 73–74, 130, 261

Cause

ambiguous, 148

complicated, 148–149

masked, 149–151

Celebrations, formal, 267–268

Centers for Disease Control (CDC), 19

Challenger space shuttle, 9

Change

in culture, 242–243

lifelong patterns v., 250–252

Charades, 86–87

Charisma, 119–120

Checkup/checkback, 208–209

Children/Child-rearing. See Marriage; Parenting; Teenagers

Choosing

If, 38–52, 53–54, 110, 218, 228, 253–257

meandering v., 225–226

What, 26–32, 53–54, 110, 204, 218, 228, 253–257

Circumstances, matching methods to, 131–135, 143

Climate, setting, 57–58

Coast Guard example, 50–51

Columbia space shuttle, 9

Commitments

ability and, 145–169

keeping, 145–170

missed, 2, 4

Competence, 208

illusion of, 240–241

Concerns, acting on, 40–42

Conclusions

harsh, 101–102

jumping to, 59–61

tentative, 104

Confrontations, crucial. See also specific areas of interest

definition of, 4–5, 21

foundation of, 178–180

website, 21, 111, 215–216, 252, 269

Conscience, nagging, 42–43, 48, 53

Consequences, 34

exploring, 132–133

natural, 126–137, 139–144, 242

Consistent, being, 137

Content, in CPR, 32–33, 36, 53

“Content, Pattern, Relationship.” See CPR

Contrasting, using, 94–95, 206, 223, 243

Coping, 248, 253

cutting out v., 232, 234–235

Couples. See Marriage; Parenting; Relationships

Covey, Stephen, 232

CPR (Content, Pattern, Relationship), 32–33, 36, 53, 184–185

Creativity, 202–203

Critical mass, 131

Crucial confrontations. See Confrontations, crucial

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, 191

Crystal ball, 202

Culture

changing, 242–243

of impossibility, 245–247

Curious, becoming, 69–70

Cutting out, 232, 234–235

Dark, keeping others in, 100–101

Data

gathering, 240, 244

as information, 76

Deadlines, missed, 85–88, 256

Defensiveness, 105, 254

in bosses, 99–100, 108–109

Diagnosing, 114

gaps, 259

misdiagnosis in, 146

questions for, 259–261

Dialogue, threats v., 130–131

Differentiating self, 49–52, 53–54

Dirksen, Everett, 171

Disappointment, handling, 4. See also Commitments; Promises, broken

Disasters

airline, 7–8

facing, 11

national, 11

space shuttle, 9

Discipline, using, 135–136

Discouragement, handling, 250–252

Discretionary effort, 17–21

Discussion questions, 269–270

Doctors. See Health-care professionals

Easy, making things

leaders/parents, 151–153, 219, 255

self-test, 255

tools for, 153–170, 224–225

Effectiveness formula, 155

Effort, discretionary, 17–21

Ekman, Paul, 41

Emotions. See also Anger; Feelings

abuse and, 64–65, 185–229

explosive, 139, 185, 194–195

facial expressions revealing, 41

fear as, 92, 110, 227

handling, 30–31, 184–195, 221–222

overly strong, 56–57

Empathy, power v., 233

Employees. See also Bosses; Workplace

accountability, 241–242

airline, 7–8

competency of, 240–241

complaints against, 239–240

culture, changing, 242–243

health-care, 2–3, 4, 7, 8–9, 18–19, 227, 235–236

interactions of, 2–7, 14, 15, 17–18, 187–188

marginal, 243–245

at Matsushita plant, 267

as opinion leaders, 5–7, 11

overworked, 245–247

at plywood mill, 1–2, 3, 4, 5–7, 14–15, 16, 88–89, 123–124, 230

praise of, 262–268

problematic, 248–250

public works, 17

revenge from, 123–124

software development, 55–57, 58–59, 66, 70, 77–78

Empowering others, 155, 169–170

Enabling

others, 68, 71–73, 154, 162, 260

self, 68, 69–70, 259

things and, 68, 74–76, 162, 261

Ending. See also Plans

by “finishing well,” 139, 143, 214

follow up and, 110, 139, 207–214, 215, 219, 226–227, 256

Errors, attribution, 60–61. See also Mistakes

Escher, M.C., 264

Excellence, mediocrity v., 244

Excuses

“Something came up,” 176–180, 197

“Yeah-But,” 231–252

Exercise programs, 251

Expectations, 118–119

clarifying, 243

failed, 180–185

violated, 2, 3, 20

Explaining

steps, 137

what v. why, 102

Exploration, joint, 132–133

External, staying, 102

Facial expressions, 41

Facts

gathering, 244

starting with, 102–103

Fear, 92, 110, 227

of infidelity, 219–226

Feedback

asking for, 167–168

devastating, 240–241

giving, 240

honest, 254

Feelings, 58, 101. See also Emotions

acting out, 47–48

strong, 186

Figure-ground theory, 264

“Finishing well,” 139, 143, 212

Flexibility, 171–173

focus and, 177–178, 196–197, 219, 225–226, 256

self-test, 256

Focus

flexibility and, 177–178, 196–197, 225–226, 256

keeping, 172–173, 219

self-test, 256

Follow up, 110, 139, 207–214, 215, 219, 226, 256. See also Plans

Force

cost of, 122–124

relying on, 121–122

Ford Motor Company, 265, 266

Forgetfulness, 212–213

Gadgets, 75–76

Games

avoiding, 85–86

word, 201

Gaps, 85

describing, 89–106, 108, 219, 223, 224, 228

diagnosing, 259

quality/performance, 245, 249

stepping up to, 113–114

Getting started

hazardous half minute in, 57–59, 110–111, 270

safety in, 89–100, 223, 236–237

Goals, 261

Gossip, 239

Gottman, John, 19

Groundhog Day, 30, 32, 33, 107, 248, 269

Groups

attacks by, 98

reading, 269–270

teams v., 242–243

Guilt, 255

Habits, 250

Hazardous half minute, 57–59

Headlines, news, 7–9

Health-care professionals, 2–3, 4, 7, 8–9, 18–19, 226, 235–236

Hearing, 58, 101

listening skills and, 191

Hearsay, 239–240

Help v. hindrance, 68, 71–73, 260

Helplessness, 46–47, 48

Holmes, Sherlock, 263

Hooked, getting, 189

Human resource departments, 242, 262

Humor, inappropriate, 98

Ice hockey team example, 64

Ideas

asking for, 155–163

sharing, 252

If, choosing, 38–52, 53, 110, 218, 228, 253–257

Infidelity, fear of, 219–226

Influence

social, 71–72

sources of, 68–76, 77, 80, 125, 160–161, 224–225, 258–261

Information

access to, 165, 261

data as, 76

secondhand, 239

withholding, 260

Instruction, 125, 132

Intentions, 34–35

Issues, confronting right, 31–32

Japan, waitresses in, 267

Jell-O, nailing, 204

LaMotta, John, 41

Leadership. See also Bosses

confident, 159

learning, 83–84

making things easy and, 151–153, 219, 255

opinion leaders and, 5–7, 11

studies, 249–250

Learning, from best, 88–89

“Lecture mode,” 270

Lewin, Kurt, 124

Listening skills, 191

hearing and, 58, 101

Lunches, doing, 250

Lying, 172, 182–183

Managers. See Bosses; Leadership

Markman, Howard, 19

Marriage, 10, 19, 37–38. See also Parenting; Relationships

confronting spouses in, 37–38, 219–221

couples research on, 19–20

cutting out v. coping in, 234

fear of infidelity in, 219–226

frustration in, 74

nagging and, 247–248

natural consequences and, 139–142

praise in, 265–266

silence in, 237–239

unemployed spouses and, 172, 184

Martson, Ralph, 217

Mastering stories, 79–80, 110, 218–219, 221–222, 228, 239, 254

Matsushita plant (Japan), 267

Meandering, avoiding, 225–226

Medical care. See Health-care professionals

Mediocrity, excellence v., 244

Micromanagement, 209–210, 256

Milgram, Stanley, 42–43

Military recruits, 245

Mill, plywood, 1–2, 3, 4, 5–7, 14–15, 16, 88–89, 123–124, 229

Mind reading, 87–88

Mirror, 191, 192

holding up, 129

Misdiagnosis, 146

Mistakes. See also Errors, attribution

common, 100–105

repeating, 29–30

Models

crucial confrontations, 52, 142, 169, 170, 196, 213

Path to Action, 58, 101, 186, 190–194, 197

six-source, 68–76, 77, 79, 125, 160–161, 224–225, 258–261

Morale, improving, 14–15

Motivating, 113–144

ability and, 146–151

approaches to avoid, 119–125

better performance, 245

others, 68, 70–71, 154, 219, 224–225, 229, 260

oversimplifying, 115–118

root of, 118

self, 68–69, 259

self-test, 255

solutions, 125–139

teenagers, 117–118

by things, 68, 72–74, 261

Murray, James, 19

Mutual Purpose. See Purpose, Mutual

Mutual Respect. See Respect

Nagging, 247–248

NASA, 9

News headlines, 7–9

Nice, meaning of, 213

Nietzsche, Friedrich, 65

Notarius, Clifford, 19

Observation, 58

One-upmanship, 189

Openings

hazardous half minute in, 57–59, 110–111, 270

safety in, 89–100, 223, 236–237

Opinion leaders, 5–7, 11

Organizational improvement, 15–21

Organizational mechanics, 136

Osgood, Charles, 231

Others

in dark, 100–101

enabling, 68, 71–73, 80, 162, 260

motivating, 68, 70–71, 219, 224–225, 229, 260

Pack, breaking from, 235–237

Pain, 68–69, 259

long-term, 128

Paraphrase, 191, 192–193

Parenting, 20, 37–38, 51, 72, 75–76, 83–84, 105, 132. See also Marriage; Teenagers

arbitrary accountability in, 176

deciding on, 10

learning, 83–84

lying and, 172, 182–183

making things easy and, 151–153, 219, 255

nagging and, 247–248

praise and, 263, 264–265

step-parenting and, 139–142

“tattletales” and, 240

use of “we” in, 203

weak, 242–243

Path, sharing, 100

Path to Action model, 58, 101, 186, 190–194, 197

Patronization, avoiding, 189–190

Patterns

changing lifelong, 250–252

in CPR, 32–33, 36, 53–54

Performance gaps. See Gaps

Perks, 124–125

Permission, asking, 97, 167

Peterson, Donald, 265, 266

Physical features, 164–165

Plans. See also Follow up

agreeing on, 110, 214–215, 219, 226

making, 139

short-term action v., 251–252

WWWF/complete, 204–212

Pleasure, 68–69, 259

Plywood mill. See Mill, plywood

Political analyst, 145–146

“Posthole,” going, 185–186

Power

avoiding use of, 120–121

empathy v., 233

failure of, 137–139

Praise, 68, 70–71, 260

counterintuitive, 263–268

for employees, 262–268

in marriage, 265–266

parenting and, 263, 264–265

private, 267

in problem-solving, 262

public, 267

recognition v., 268

for success, 262–268

Pressure, 68, 70–71, 260

backing off under, 137

Prime, 191, 193–194

Priorities, 35–36, 260, 261

differing, 133–134

setting, 10

Privacy, 97–98

praise and, 267

public discussion v., 247

Problems ambiguous, 39–40

dealing with wrong, 27–31

emergent, 173–196, 197

employees with many, 248–250

handling, 3–4

praise in solving, 262

predictable, 203–204

relationships based on, 248–250

repeated, 247–248, 254

root v. easy, 253

safety, 105

school, 27–29, 36

Process, results v., 267

Promises, broken, 3, 4, 5, 85–88, 184, 254, 270

because “something came up,”176–180, 197

If question and, 39

motivation and, 116

on raises, 26

by teenagers, 26–27, 32, 35, 202

Public discussion

praise as, 267

private v., 247

Public works facility, 17

Pump, priming, 167

Purpose, Mutual, 92–93, 95–97, 175, 223

Quality gaps, 245, 249

Questions

asking for, 206

on authority, 8–9

diagnostic, 259–261

ending with, 106

If, 38–52, 53–54, 110, 218, 228, 253–257

popping, 166, 170

reading group discussion, 269–270

What, 26–32, 52–53, 110, 204, 218, 228, 253–257

Quitting. See Cutting out

Raises, promised, 26

Reading group questions, 269–270

Realtor example, 29, 30–31, 104

Recognition, praise v., 268

Relationships. See also Marriage

based on problems, 248–250

building, 88–89

in CPR, 32–33, 36, 53

developing full, 250

force in, 122–123

Research, 5–7, 262–263

couples, 19–20

Resistance, 123, 134–135

Resolution. See also Plans

“finishing well” as, 139, 143, 212

follow-up and, 110, 139, 207–214, 215, 219, 226, 256

Respect

mutual, 91–92, 93, 94–95

showing, 51–52

Responses, biasing, 156–157

Results

crucial, 7

process v., 267

Revenge, employee, 123–124

Risks, 208, 215, 228, 261

safety, 91

of violating standard practice, 235

Rocket scientist example, 226

Safety

for bosses, 233

confronting with, 79, 81, 109–111

loss of/restoring, 173–174, 186

prime for, 191, 193–194

problems, 105

risk signs, 91

in searching, 167–168

skills, combining, 98–99, 108–109, 170, 223

starting with, 89–100, 223, 236–237

valve, 194–195

School problems, 27–29, 36

Scripts, lifelong, 250–251

Searching, 167–168

Seeing, 58, 101

Seinfeld, 122

Self

differentiating, 49–52, 53–54

enable, 68, 69–70, 259

inability and, 162

motivating, 68–69, 259

Self assessment, 13–14, 253–257

Sharing

ideas, 252

path, 100

stories, 103–105

Signs, responding to, 47–48

Silence

in marriage, 237–239

speaking up v., 43–44, 227, 235–236, 237–238

violence v., 61–65, 227

in workplace, 245–246

Six-source model, 68–76, 77, 79, 125, 160–161, 224–225, 258–261

Skills

listening, 191

mastering, 11–13

model, 52, 142, 169, 170, 196, 215

self-test, 253–257

working on, 252

Social influence, 71–72

Software development leaders, 55–57, 58–59, 66, 70, 77–78

Solutions

incorrect, 27–29

work-around, 138–139

Somber, appropriately, 136

“Something came up” excuse, 176–180, 197

Sources

getting to, 190

of influence, 68–76, 77, 80, 125, 160–161, 224–225, 258–261

Speaking up

avoiding, 40–41

cost of, 45–46

cost of not, 44, 48

in private, 97–98

silence v., 43–44, 227, 235–236, 237–238

when you should not, 48–52

Spontaneity, 267–268

Spouses. See Marriage

Stanford University, 1

Step-parenting, 139–142

Stories, 58–59, 101

completing, 76–78, 93

mastering, 79–80, 110, 218–219, 221–222, 228, 239, 254

sharing, 103–105

ugly, 59–67

Strength, 69–70

weakness v., 68, 69–70, 259

Structure, 267–268

Success, praising, 262–268

Summarizing, 211–212

Support materials, 252

“Tattletales,” 240

Teaching, 125, 132

Team

group v., 242–243

ice hockey, 64

Teenagers. See also Parenting

acceptance of, 38

broken promises by, 26–27, 32, 35, 204

motivating, 117–118

spending time with, 250

Test, self, 253–257. See also Assessment, self

Things

enabling and, 68, 74–76, 162, 261

motivation by, 68, 72–74, 261

Threats, 255

dialogue v., 130–131

Time, 207

Tools

AMPP, 191

for choosing right confronttion, 32–38

for making things easy, 153–170, 224–225

Trust, 208

creating, 180

violation of, 175–187

Truth, moment of, 107–108

Twain, Mark, 264

Unbundling, 34–35

Unemployed spouses, 172, 184

Values, core, 127

Victims, hidden, 129

Villains, 66

Violence

silence v., 61–65, 227

workplace, 2, 3, 5

Waitress example, 267

We, terminology of, 205

Weakness, 69–70, 259

Website, Crucial Confrontations, 21, 111, 215, 252, 269

Weight loss, 251

What, choosing, 26–32, 52–53, 110, 206, 218, 228, 253–257

When, defining, 207

Who, accountability in, 205–206

“Who does, What, by When, Follow-up.” See WWWF

Work-around solutions, 138–139

Work-life balance, 246, 250

Workload, overly heavy, 245–247

Workplace. See also Bosses; Employees

abuse, 245

silence, 245–246

violence, 2, 3, 5

Worry, 211

WWWF (Who does, What, by When Follow-up), 202–210

“Yeah-But” excuses, 231–252

About VitalSmarts

A world leader in leadership training and organizational performance, VitalSmarts provides products and services to hundreds of companies, including over 300 of the Fortune 500. For over 25 years, and with over 10,000 hours of “in the trenches” observation, the authors have explored methods for bringing about systematic and lasting change. Services include training, keynote speaking, on-site consulting, and customized development.

About the Authors

This same team of authors previously produced the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. In 1990, they cofounded VitalSmarts, a consulting firm that delivers training products and services to clients worldwide. Sought after as speakers and consultants, the authors have worked with organizations and associations worldwide.

Kerry Patterson ([email protected]) has authored award-winning training programs, labored on long-term change efforts, and served as an executive coach. He received the prestigious 2004 BYU Marriot School of Management Dyer Award for outstanding contribution in organizational behavior.

Joseph Grenny ([email protected]), an acclaimed keynote speaker and consultant, has designed and implemented major corporate change initiatives for the past nineteen years. He also cofounded California Computer Corporation and Unitus, a nonprofit organization that helps third-world poor achieve economic self-reliance.

Ron McMillan ([email protected]) holds advanced degrees in sociology and organizational behavior. He cofounded the Covey Leadership Center, where he served as vice president of research and development. His work ranges from unions and first-level mangers to CEOs and corporate executives on topics such as team development, personal vitality, and leadership.

Al Switzler ([email protected]) is on the faculty of the Executive Development Center at the University of Michigan. He previously taught at Auburn University, the University of Kentucky, and Brigham Young University. He has directed training and management initiatives with hundreds of organizations worldwide.

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