Abandonment, 209–210
Ability
commitments and, 145–169
considering, 80
motivation and, 146–151
Abuse
military, 245
workplace, 245
Access, to information, 165
Accountability
arbitrary, 176
corporate, 2
erratic approaches to, 49
improving, 14–15
in Who, 205–206
Action, path to, 79, 110, 194, 199
Advice
necessary, 163–166
quick, 153–155
vague, 244
Airline tragedy example, 7–8
Allen, Woody, 1
AMPP listening tools (Ask, Mirror Paraphrase, Prime), 191
Anger, 185–187, 254. See also Emotions
dangers of, 57
increased, 30–31
Answers, not having, 158–159
Asche, Solomon, 42
“Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime.” See AMPP listening tools
Asking, 191
for feedback, 167–168
for ideas, 155–163
for questions, 206
Assessment, self, 13–14, 253–257
Assumptions, making, 59–61, 203–204
Attribution
errors, 60–61
studies, 59–60
Authority
adequate, 260
bosses and, 232–233
confronting, 232–235
partnering with, 136
questioning, 8–9
Award ceremonies, 267–268
Balance
confrontation/confirmation, 268
Barriers
exploring, 153
removing, 151–153
Battles, choosing, 248
Beginnings
hazardous half minute in, 57–59
safety in, 57–59, 89–100, 110–111, 223, 236–237, 270
Behavior
borderline, 243–245
Benefits, long-term v. short-term, 128–129
Bierce, Ambrose, 83
Birthday card example, 266–267
Borderline behavior. See Behavior
Bosses. See also Employees; Leadership; Workplace
anger and, 139, 185–186, 194–195
combative, 39
creating safety for, 233
defensive, 99–100, 108–109, 232–233
demanding, 245–247
held hostage, 241–242
narcissistic/authoritarian, 232
at plywood mill, 1–2, 3, 4, 5–7, 14–15, 16, 88–89, 123–124, 229
public works, 17
raises promised by, 26
top, 249–250
Brainstorming, 170
ability barriers, 161–163, 169
solutions, 239
Bridges v. barriers, 68, 74–76, 261
Broken promises. See Promises, broken
Buck, passing, 87
Carlin, George, 55
Carping, 235
Carrots/sticks, 68, 73–74, 130, 261
Cause
ambiguous, 148
complicated, 148–149
masked, 149–151
Celebrations, formal, 267–268
Centers for Disease Control (CDC), 19
Challenger space shuttle, 9
Change
in culture, 242–243
lifelong patterns v., 250–252
Charades, 86–87
Charisma, 119–120
Checkup/checkback, 208–209
Children/Child-rearing. See Marriage; Parenting; Teenagers
Choosing
If, 38–52, 53–54, 110, 218, 228, 253–257
meandering v., 225–226
What, 26–32, 53–54, 110, 204, 218, 228, 253–257
Circumstances, matching methods to, 131–135, 143
Climate, setting, 57–58
Coast Guard example, 50–51
Columbia space shuttle, 9
Commitments
ability and, 145–169
keeping, 145–170
Competence, 208
illusion of, 240–241
Concerns, acting on, 40–42
Conclusions
harsh, 101–102
jumping to, 59–61
tentative, 104
Confrontations, crucial. See also specific areas of interest
foundation of, 178–180
website, 21, 111, 215–216, 252, 269
Conscience, nagging, 42–43, 48, 53
Consequences, 34
exploring, 132–133
natural, 126–137, 139–144, 242
Consistent, being, 137
Content, in CPR, 32–33, 36, 53
“Content, Pattern, Relationship.” See CPR
Contrasting, using, 94–95, 206, 223, 243
Couples. See Marriage; Parenting; Relationships
Covey, Stephen, 232
CPR (Content, Pattern, Relationship), 32–33, 36, 53, 184–185
Creativity, 202–203
Critical mass, 131
Crucial confrontations. See Confrontations, crucial
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, 191
Crystal ball, 202
Culture
changing, 242–243
of impossibility, 245–247
Curious, becoming, 69–70
Dark, keeping others in, 100–101
Data
as information, 76
Diagnosing, 114
gaps, 259
misdiagnosis in, 146
questions for, 259–261
Dialogue, threats v., 130–131
Differentiating self, 49–52, 53–54
Dirksen, Everett, 171
Disappointment, handling, 4. See also Commitments; Promises, broken
Disasters
airline, 7–8
facing, 11
national, 11
space shuttle, 9
Discipline, using, 135–136
Discouragement, handling, 250–252
Discretionary effort, 17–21
Discussion questions, 269–270
Doctors. See Health-care professionals
Easy, making things
leaders/parents, 151–153, 219, 255
self-test, 255
Effectiveness formula, 155
Effort, discretionary, 17–21
Ekman, Paul, 41
Emotions. See also Anger; Feelings
facial expressions revealing, 41
handling, 30–31, 184–195, 221–222
overly strong, 56–57
Empathy, power v., 233
Employees. See also Bosses; Workplace
accountability, 241–242
airline, 7–8
competency of, 240–241
complaints against, 239–240
culture, changing, 242–243
health-care, 2–3, 4, 7, 8–9, 18–19, 227, 235–236
interactions of, 2–7, 14, 15, 17–18, 187–188
marginal, 243–245
at Matsushita plant, 267
overworked, 245–247
at plywood mill, 1–2, 3, 4, 5–7, 14–15, 16, 88–89, 123–124, 230
praise of, 262–268
problematic, 248–250
public works, 17
revenge from, 123–124
software development, 55–57, 58–59, 66, 70, 77–78
Empowering others, 155, 169–170
Enabling
others, 68, 71–73, 154, 162, 260
things and, 68, 74–76, 162, 261
Ending. See also Plans
by “finishing well,” 139, 143, 214
follow up and, 110, 139, 207–214, 215, 219, 226–227, 256
Errors, attribution, 60–61. See also Mistakes
Escher, M.C., 264
Excellence, mediocrity v., 244
Excuses
“Something came up,” 176–180, 197
“Yeah-But,” 231–252
Exercise programs, 251
Expectations, 118–119
clarifying, 243
failed, 180–185
Explaining
steps, 137
what v. why, 102
Exploration, joint, 132–133
External, staying, 102
Facial expressions, 41
Facts
gathering, 244
starting with, 102–103
of infidelity, 219–226
Feedback
asking for, 167–168
devastating, 240–241
giving, 240
honest, 254
Feelings, 58, 101. See also Emotions
acting out, 47–48
strong, 186
Figure-ground theory, 264
“Finishing well,” 139, 143, 212
Flexibility, 171–173
focus and, 177–178, 196–197, 219, 225–226, 256
self-test, 256
Focus
flexibility and, 177–178, 196–197, 225–226, 256
self-test, 256
Follow up, 110, 139, 207–214, 215, 219, 226, 256. See also Plans
Force
cost of, 122–124
relying on, 121–122
Forgetfulness, 212–213
Gadgets, 75–76
Games
avoiding, 85–86
word, 201
Gaps, 85
describing, 89–106, 108, 219, 223, 224, 228
diagnosing, 259
stepping up to, 113–114
Getting started
hazardous half minute in, 57–59, 110–111, 270
safety in, 89–100, 223, 236–237
Goals, 261
Gossip, 239
Gottman, John, 19
Groundhog Day, 30, 32, 33, 107, 248, 269
Groups
attacks by, 98
reading, 269–270
teams v., 242–243
Guilt, 255
Habits, 250
Hazardous half minute, 57–59
Headlines, news, 7–9
Health-care professionals, 2–3, 4, 7, 8–9, 18–19, 226, 235–236
listening skills and, 191
Hearsay, 239–240
Help v. hindrance, 68, 71–73, 260
Holmes, Sherlock, 263
Hooked, getting, 189
Human resource departments, 242, 262
Humor, inappropriate, 98
Ice hockey team example, 64
Ideas
asking for, 155–163
sharing, 252
If, choosing, 38–52, 53, 110, 218, 228, 253–257
Infidelity, fear of, 219–226
Influence
social, 71–72
sources of, 68–76, 77, 80, 125, 160–161, 224–225, 258–261
Information
data as, 76
secondhand, 239
withholding, 260
Intentions, 34–35
Issues, confronting right, 31–32
Japan, waitresses in, 267
Jell-O, nailing, 204
LaMotta, John, 41
Leadership. See also Bosses
confident, 159
learning, 83–84
making things easy and, 151–153, 219, 255
studies, 249–250
Learning, from best, 88–89
“Lecture mode,” 270
Lewin, Kurt, 124
Listening skills, 191
Lunches, doing, 250
Managers. See Bosses; Leadership
Markman, Howard, 19
Marriage, 10, 19, 37–38. See also Parenting; Relationships
confronting spouses in, 37–38, 219–221
couples research on, 19–20
cutting out v. coping in, 234
fear of infidelity in, 219–226
frustration in, 74
nagging and, 247–248
natural consequences and, 139–142
praise in, 265–266
silence in, 237–239
unemployed spouses and, 172, 184
Martson, Ralph, 217
Mastering stories, 79–80, 110, 218–219, 221–222, 228, 239, 254
Matsushita plant (Japan), 267
Meandering, avoiding, 225–226
Medical care. See Health-care professionals
Mediocrity, excellence v., 244
Milgram, Stanley, 42–43
Military recruits, 245
Mill, plywood, 1–2, 3, 4, 5–7, 14–15, 16, 88–89, 123–124, 229
Mind reading, 87–88
holding up, 129
Misdiagnosis, 146
Mistakes. See also Errors, attribution
common, 100–105
repeating, 29–30
Models
crucial confrontations, 52, 142, 169, 170, 196, 213
Path to Action, 58, 101, 186, 190–194, 197
six-source, 68–76, 77, 79, 125, 160–161, 224–225, 258–261
Morale, improving, 14–15
Motivating, 113–144
ability and, 146–151
approaches to avoid, 119–125
better performance, 245
others, 68, 70–71, 154, 219, 224–225, 229, 260
oversimplifying, 115–118
root of, 118
self-test, 255
solutions, 125–139
teenagers, 117–118
Murray, James, 19
Mutual Purpose. See Purpose, Mutual
Mutual Respect. See Respect
Nagging, 247–248
NASA, 9
News headlines, 7–9
Nice, meaning of, 213
Nietzsche, Friedrich, 65
Notarius, Clifford, 19
Observation, 58
One-upmanship, 189
Openings
hazardous half minute in, 57–59, 110–111, 270
safety in, 89–100, 223, 236–237
Organizational improvement, 15–21
Organizational mechanics, 136
Osgood, Charles, 231
Others
in dark, 100–101
enabling, 68, 71–73, 80, 162, 260
motivating, 68, 70–71, 219, 224–225, 229, 260
Pack, breaking from, 235–237
long-term, 128
Parenting, 20, 37–38, 51, 72, 75–76, 83–84, 105, 132. See also Marriage; Teenagers
arbitrary accountability in, 176
deciding on, 10
learning, 83–84
making things easy and, 151–153, 219, 255
nagging and, 247–248
step-parenting and, 139–142
“tattletales” and, 240
use of “we” in, 203
weak, 242–243
Path, sharing, 100
Path to Action model, 58, 101, 186, 190–194, 197
Patronization, avoiding, 189–190
Patterns
changing lifelong, 250–252
Performance gaps. See Gaps
Perks, 124–125
Physical features, 164–165
Plans. See also Follow up
agreeing on, 110, 214–215, 219, 226
making, 139
short-term action v., 251–252
WWWF/complete, 204–212
Plywood mill. See Mill, plywood
Political analyst, 145–146
“Posthole,” going, 185–186
Power
avoiding use of, 120–121
empathy v., 233
failure of, 137–139
counterintuitive, 263–268
for employees, 262–268
in marriage, 265–266
private, 267
in problem-solving, 262
public, 267
recognition v., 268
for success, 262–268
backing off under, 137
differing, 133–134
setting, 10
Privacy, 97–98
praise and, 267
public discussion v., 247
Problems ambiguous, 39–40
dealing with wrong, 27–31
employees with many, 248–250
handling, 3–4
praise in solving, 262
predictable, 203–204
relationships based on, 248–250
root v. easy, 253
safety, 105
Process, results v., 267
Promises, broken, 3, 4, 5, 85–88, 184, 254, 270
because “something came up,”176–180, 197
If question and, 39
motivation and, 116
on raises, 26
by teenagers, 26–27, 32, 35, 202
Public discussion
praise as, 267
private v., 247
Public works facility, 17
Pump, priming, 167
Purpose, Mutual, 92–93, 95–97, 175, 223
Questions
asking for, 206
on authority, 8–9
diagnostic, 259–261
ending with, 106
If, 38–52, 53–54, 110, 218, 228, 253–257
reading group discussion, 269–270
What, 26–32, 52–53, 110, 204, 218, 228, 253–257
Quitting. See Cutting out
Raises, promised, 26
Reading group questions, 269–270
Realtor example, 29, 30–31, 104
Recognition, praise v., 268
Relationships. See also Marriage
based on problems, 248–250
building, 88–89
developing full, 250
force in, 122–123
couples, 19–20
Resolution. See also Plans
“finishing well” as, 139, 143, 212
follow-up and, 110, 139, 207–214, 215, 219, 226, 256
Respect
showing, 51–52
Responses, biasing, 156–157
Results
crucial, 7
process v., 267
Revenge, employee, 123–124
safety, 91
of violating standard practice, 235
Rocket scientist example, 226
Safety
for bosses, 233
confronting with, 79, 81, 109–111
loss of/restoring, 173–174, 186
problems, 105
risk signs, 91
in searching, 167–168
skills, combining, 98–99, 108–109, 170, 223
starting with, 89–100, 223, 236–237
valve, 194–195
Scripts, lifelong, 250–251
Searching, 167–168
Seinfeld, 122
Self
inability and, 162
Self assessment, 13–14, 253–257
Sharing
ideas, 252
path, 100
stories, 103–105
Signs, responding to, 47–48
Silence
in marriage, 237–239
speaking up v., 43–44, 227, 235–236, 237–238
in workplace, 245–246
Six-source model, 68–76, 77, 79, 125, 160–161, 224–225, 258–261
Skills
listening, 191
mastering, 11–13
model, 52, 142, 169, 170, 196, 215
self-test, 253–257
working on, 252
Social influence, 71–72
Software development leaders, 55–57, 58–59, 66, 70, 77–78
Solutions
incorrect, 27–29
work-around, 138–139
Somber, appropriately, 136
“Something came up” excuse, 176–180, 197
Sources
getting to, 190
of influence, 68–76, 77, 80, 125, 160–161, 224–225, 258–261
Speaking up
avoiding, 40–41
cost of, 45–46
in private, 97–98
silence v., 43–44, 227, 235–236, 237–238
when you should not, 48–52
Spontaneity, 267–268
Spouses. See Marriage
Stanford University, 1
Step-parenting, 139–142
mastering, 79–80, 110, 218–219, 221–222, 228, 239, 254
sharing, 103–105
ugly, 59–67
Strength, 69–70
Structure, 267–268
Success, praising, 262–268
Summarizing, 211–212
Support materials, 252
“Tattletales,” 240
Team
group v., 242–243
ice hockey, 64
Teenagers. See also Parenting
acceptance of, 38
broken promises by, 26–27, 32, 35, 204
motivating, 117–118
spending time with, 250
Test, self, 253–257. See also Assessment, self
Things
enabling and, 68, 74–76, 162, 261
Threats, 255
dialogue v., 130–131
Time, 207
Tools
AMPP, 191
for choosing right confronttion, 32–38
for making things easy, 153–170, 224–225
Trust, 208
creating, 180
violation of, 175–187
Truth, moment of, 107–108
Twain, Mark, 264
Unbundling, 34–35
Values, core, 127
Victims, hidden, 129
Villains, 66
Violence
Waitress example, 267
We, terminology of, 205
Website, Crucial Confrontations, 21, 111, 215, 252, 269
Weight loss, 251
What, choosing, 26–32, 52–53, 110, 206, 218, 228, 253–257
When, defining, 207
Who, accountability in, 205–206
“Who does, What, by When, Follow-up.” See WWWF
Work-around solutions, 138–139
Workload, overly heavy, 245–247
Workplace. See also Bosses; Employees
abuse, 245
silence, 245–246
Worry, 211
WWWF (Who does, What, by When Follow-up), 202–210
“Yeah-But” excuses, 231–252
About VitalSmarts
A world leader in leadership training and organizational performance, VitalSmarts provides products and services to hundreds of companies, including over 300 of the Fortune 500. For over 25 years, and with over 10,000 hours of “in the trenches” observation, the authors have explored methods for bringing about systematic and lasting change. Services include training, keynote speaking, on-site consulting, and customized development.
About the Authors
This same team of authors previously produced the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. In 1990, they cofounded VitalSmarts, a consulting firm that delivers training products and services to clients worldwide. Sought after as speakers and consultants, the authors have worked with organizations and associations worldwide.
Kerry Patterson ([email protected]) has authored award-winning training programs, labored on long-term change efforts, and served as an executive coach. He received the prestigious 2004 BYU Marriot School of Management Dyer Award for outstanding contribution in organizational behavior.
Joseph Grenny ([email protected]), an acclaimed keynote speaker and consultant, has designed and implemented major corporate change initiatives for the past nineteen years. He also cofounded California Computer Corporation and Unitus, a nonprofit organization that helps third-world poor achieve economic self-reliance.
Ron McMillan ([email protected]) holds advanced degrees in sociology and organizational behavior. He cofounded the Covey Leadership Center, where he served as vice president of research and development. His work ranges from unions and first-level mangers to CEOs and corporate executives on topics such as team development, personal vitality, and leadership.
Al Switzler ([email protected]) is on the faculty of the Executive Development Center at the University of Michigan. He previously taught at Auburn University, the University of Kentucky, and Brigham Young University. He has directed training and management initiatives with hundreds of organizations worldwide.
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