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Mastering Crucial Conversations

The Power of Dialogue

We (the authors) didn’t always spend our time noodling over crucial conversations. In fact, we started our research by studying a slightly different topic. We figured that if we could learn why certain people were more effective than others, then we could learn exactly what they did, clone it, and pass it on to others.

To find the source of success, we started at work. We asked people to identify who they thought were their most effective colleagues. In fact, over the past twenty-five years, we’ve asked over 20,000 people to identify the individuals in their organizations who could really get things done. We wanted to find those who were not just influential, but who were far more influential than the rest.

Each time, as we compiled the names into a list, a pattern emerged. Some people were named by one or two colleagues. Some found their way onto the lists of five or six people. These were the ones good at influence, but not good enough to be widely identified as top performers. And then there were the handful who were named thirty or more times. These were the best—the clear opinion leaders in their areas. Some were managers and supervisors. Many were not.

One of the opinion leaders we became particularly interested in meeting was named Kevin. He was the only one of eight vice presidents in his company to be identified as exceedingly influential. We wanted to know why. So we watched him at work.

At first, Kevin didn’t do anything remarkable. In truth, he looked like every other VP. He answered his phone, talked to his direct reports, and continued about his pleasant, but routine, routine.

The Startling Discovery

After trailing Kevin for almost a week, we began to wonder if he really did act in ways that set him apart from others or if his influence was simply a matter of popularity. And then we followed Kevin into a meeting.

Kevin, his peers, and their boss were deciding on a new location for their offices—would they move across town, across the state, or across the country? The first two execs presented their arguments for their top choices, and as expected, their points were greeted by penetrating questions from the full team. No vague claim went unclarified, no unsupported reasoning unquestioned.

Then Chris, the CEO, pitched his preference—one that was both unpopular and potentially disastrous. However, when people tried to disagree or push back on Chris, he responded poorly. Since he was the big boss, he didn’t exactly have to browbeat people to get what he wanted. Instead, he became slightly defensive. First he raised an eyebrow. Then he raised his finger. Finally he raised his voice—just a little. It wasn’t long until people stopped questioning him, and Chris’s inadequate proposal was quietly accepted.

Well almost. That’s when Kevin spoke up. His words were simple enough—something like, “Hey Chris, can I check something out with you?”

The reaction was stunning—everyone in the room stopped breathing. But Kevin ignored the apparent terror of his colleagues and plunged on ahead. In the next few minutes he in essence told the CEO that he appeared to be violating his own decision-making guidelines. He was subtly using his power to move the new offices to his hometown.

Kevin continued to explain what he saw happening, and when he finished the first minutes of this delicate exchange, Chris was quiet for a moment. Then he nodded his head. “You’re absolutely right,” he finally concluded. “I have been trying to force my opinion on you. Let’s back up and try again.”

This was a crucial conversation, and Kevin played no games whatsoever. He didn’t resort to silence like his colleagues, nor did he try to force his arguments on others. Somehow he managed to achieve absolute candor, but he did so in a way that showed deep respect for Chris. It was a remarkable thing to watch. As a result, the team chose a far more reasonable location and Kevin’s boss appreciated his caring coaching.

When Kevin was done, one of his peers turned to us and said, “Did you see how he did that? If you want to know how he gets things done, figure out what he just did.”

So we did. In fact, we spent the next twenty-five years discovering what Kevin and people like him do. What typically set them apart from the rest of the pack was their ability to avoid what we came to call the Fool’s Choice.

You see, Kevin’s contribution was not his insight. Almost everyone could see what was happening. They knew they were allowing themselves to be steamrolled into making a bad decision. But everyone besides Kevin believed they had to make a choice between two bad alternatives.

• Option 1: Speak up and turn the most powerful person in the company into their sworn enemy.

• Option 2: Suffer in silence and make a bad decision that might ruin the company.

The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. We begin believing in the Fool’s Choice from an early age. For instance, we learned that when Grandma served an enormous wedge of her famous Brussel-Sprout Pie à la mode then asks, “Do you like it?”—she really meant: “Do you like me?” When we answered honestly and saw the look of hurt and horror on her face—we made a decision that affected the rest of our lives: “From this day forward, I will be alert for moments when I must choose between candor and kindness.”

Beyond the Fool’s Choice

And from that day forward, we find plenty of those moments—with bosses, colleagues, loved ones, and line cutters. And the consequences can be disastrous.

That’s why our discovery of Kevin (and hundreds of individuals like him) was so important. We discovered a cadre of human beings who refuse to make the Fool’s Choice. Their goal is different from your average person’s. Consider Kevin, the all-star. When he took a breath and opened his mouth, his overriding question was, “How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris, and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?”

Following that consequential meeting, we began looking for more Kevins, and we found them all over the world. We found them in industry, government, academia, and nonprofit organizations. They were fairly easy to locate because they were almost always among the most influential employees in their organizations. They not only refused to make the Fool’s Choice, but they then acted in ways that were far more skilled than their colleagues.

But what exactly did they do? Kevin wasn’t that different. He did step up to a tough issue and help the team make a better choice, but was what he did more magical than manageable? Could what he did be learned by others?

To answer these questions, first let’s explore what Kevin was able to achieve. This will help us see where we’re trying to go. Then we’ll examine the dialogue tools that effective communicators routinely use and learn to apply them to our own crucial conversations.

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