WATCH FOR CONDITIONS

In truth, most of us do have trouble dual-processing (simultaneously watching for content and conditions)—especially when both stakes and emotions are high. We get so caught up in what we’re saying that it can be nearly impossible to pull ourselves out of the argument in order to see what’s happening to ourselves and to others. Even when we are startled by what’s going on, enough so that we think, “Yipes! This has turned ugly. Now what?” we may not know what to look for in order to turn things around. We may not see enough of what’s happening.

How could that be? How could we be smack-dab in the middle of a heated debate and not really see what’s going on? A metaphor might help. It’s akin to fly fishing for the first time with an experienced angler. Your buddy keeps telling you to cast your fly six feet upstream from that brown trout “just out there.” Only you can’t see a brown trout “just out there.” He can. That’s because he knows what to look for. You think you do. You think you need to look for a brown trout. In reality, you need to look for the distorted image of a brown trout that’s underwater while the sun is reflecting in your eyes. You have to look for elements other than the thing that your dad has stuffed and mounted over the fireplace. It takes both knowledge and practice to know what to look for and then actually see it.

So what do you look for when caught in the middle of a crucial conversation? What do you need to see in order to catch problems before they become too severe? Actually, it helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress. Let’s consider each of these conversation killers in turn.

Learn to Spot Crucial Conversations

First, stay alert for the moment a conversation turns from a routine or harmless discussion into a crucial one. In a similar vein, as you anticipate entering a tough conversation, pay heed to the fact that you’re about to enter the danger zone. Otherwise, you can easily get sucked into silly games before you realize what’s happened. And as we suggested earlier, the further you stray off track, the harder it can be to return and the higher the costs.

To help catch problems early, reprogram your mind to pay attention to the signs that suggest you’re in a crucial conversation. Some people first notice physical signals—their stomach gets tight or their eyes get dry. Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough. Everyone is a little bit different. What are your cues? Whatever they are, learn to look at them as signs to step back, slow down, and Start with Heart before things get out of hand.

Others notice their emotions before they notice signs in their body. They realize they are scared, hurt, or angry and are beginning to react to or suppress these feelings. These emotions can also be great cues to tell you to step back, slow down, and take steps to turn your brain back on.

Some people’s first cue is behavioral. For them it’s like an out-of-body experience. They see themselves raising their voice, pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet. It’s only then that they realize how they’re feeling.

So take a moment to think about some of your toughest conversations. What cues can you use to recognize that your brain is beginning to disengage and you’re at risk of moving away from healthy dialogue?

Learn to Look for Safety Problems

If you can catch signs that the conversation is starting to turn crucial—before you get sucked so far into the actual argument that you can never withdraw from the content—then you can start dual-processing immediately. And what exactly should you watch for? People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety. They pay attention to the content—that’s a given—and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful. When friends, loved ones, or colleagues move away from healthy dialogue (freely adding to the pool of meaning)—either forcing their opinions into the pool or purposefully keeping their ideas out of the pool—they immediately turn their attention to whether or not others feel safe.

When it’s safe, you can say anything. Here’s why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Both these reactions—to fight and to take flight—are motivated by the same emotion: fear. On the other hand, if you make it safe enough, you can talk about almost anything and people will listen. If you don’t fear that you’re being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive.

This is a pretty remarkable claim. Think about it. We’re suggesting that people rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe. The problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation. As we saw earlier, from the time we are quite small we begin to conclude that you can’t be both honest and respectful simultaneously. In essence, we conclude that there are some messages you just can’t give to some people. And over time, that list of messages gets longer and longer—until we find ourselves handling most crucial conversations badly. If what we’re suggesting here is true, then the problem is not the message. The problem is that you and I fail to help others feel safe hearing the message. If you can learn to see when people start to feel unsafe, you can take action to fix it. That means the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk.

Think about your own experience. Can you remember receiving really blistering feedback from someone at some point in your life, but in this instance you didn’t become defensive? Instead, you absorbed the feedback. You reflected on it. You allowed it to influence you. If so, ask yourself why. Why in this instance were you able to absorb potentially threatening feedback so well? If you’re like the rest of us, it’s because you believed that the other person had your best interest in mind. In addition, you respected the other person’s opinion. You felt safe receiving the feedback because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person. You didn’t need to defend yourself from what was being said— even if you didn’t like what they were saying!

On the other hand, if you don’t feel safe, you can’t take any feedback. It’s as if the pool of meaning has a lid on it. “What do you mean I look good? Is that some kind of joke? Are you insulting me?” When you don’t feel safe, even well-intended comments are suspect.

When it’s unsafe, you start to go blind. By carefully watching for safety violations, not only can you see when dialogue is in danger, but you can also reengage your brain. As we’ve said before, when your emotions start cranking up, key brain functions start shutting down. Not only do you prepare to take flight, but your peripheral vision actually narrows. In fact, when you feel genuinely threatened, you can scarcely see beyond what’s right in front of you.

By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and looking for signs that safety is a risk, you reengage your brain and your full vision returns. As we suggested earlier, when you give your brain a new problem to consider (keep alert for signs that safety is at risk!), it affects your brain functioning. Your higher reasoning centers stay more active, and you’re far less likely to be dumbed down and far more likely to succeed in your crucial conversation.

Don’t let safety problems lead you astray. Let’s add a note of caution. When others begin to feel unsafe, they start acting in annoying ways. Now, since they’re feeling unsafe, you should be thinking to yourself: “Hey, they’re feeling unsafe. I need to do something—maybe make it safer.” That’s what you should be thinking. Unfortunately, since others feel unsafe, they may be trying to make fun of you, insult you, or bowl you over with their arguments. This kind of aggressive behavior doesn’t exactly bring out the diplomat in you. So instead of taking their attack as a sign that safety is at risk, you take it at its face—as an attack. “I’m under attack!” you think. Then the dumb part of your brain kicks in and you respond in kind. Or maybe you try to escape. Either way, you’re not dual-processing and then pulling out a skill to restore safety. Instead, you’re becoming part of the problem as you get pulled into the fight.

Imagine the magnitude of what we’re suggesting here. We’re asking you to recode silence and violence as signs that people are feeling unsafe. We’re asking you to fight your natural tendency to respond in kind. We’re asking you to undo years of practice, maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight or pick a fight (when under attack), and recode the stimulus. “Ah, that’s a sign that the other person feels unsafe.” And then what? Do something to make it safe.

Obviously, this can be a difficult undertaking. But it’s worth it. This skill is the pivot point for everything that follows. It is also the gateway to gaining all the benefits that come to those who are skilled at crucial conversations. Imagine increased influence, enhanced relationships, stronger teams, and more effective leadership. Turn on your capacity to recognize and respond to safety problems.

In the next chapter we’ll explore how. For now, simply learn to look for safety, and then be curious, not angry or frightened.

Silence and Violence

As people begin to feel unsafe, they start down one of two unhealthy paths. They move either to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to violence (trying to force meaning in the pool). That part we know. But let’s add a little more detail. Just as a little knowledge of what to look for can turn blurry water into a brown trout, knowing a few of the common forms of silence and violence helps you see safety problems when they first start to happen. That way you can step out, restore safety, and return to dialogue—before the damage is too great.

Silence

Silence consists of any act to purposefully withhold information from the pool of meaning. It’s almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning. Methods range from playing verbal games to avoiding a person entirely. The three most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.

Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms.

“I think your idea is, uh, brilliant. Yeah, that’s it. I just worry that others won’t catch the subtle nuances. Some ideas come before their time, so expect some, uh, minor resistance.”

Meaning: Your idea is insane, and people will fight it with their last breath.

“Oh yeah, that’ll work like a charm. Offer people a discount, and they’ll drive all the way across town just to save six cents on a box of soap. Where do you come up with this stuff?”

Meaning: What a dumb idea.

Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues.

“How does your new suit look? Well, you know that blue’s my favorite color.”

Meaning: What happened? Did you buy your clothes at the circus?

Speaking of ideas for cost cutting—what if we diluted the coffee? Or used both sides of our copier paper?

Meaning: If I offer trivial suggestions perhaps we can avoid discussing sensitive things like staff inefficiency.

Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.

“Excuse me. I’ve got to take this call.”

Meaning: I’d rather gnaw off my own arm than spend one more minute in this useless meeting.

“Sorry, I’m not going to talk about how to split up the phone bill again. I’m not sure our friendship can stand another battle.” (Exits.)

Meaning: We can’t talk about even the simplest of topics without arguing.

Violence

Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking.

Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It’s done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation. Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.

“There’s not a person in the world who hasn’t bought one of these things. They’re the perfect gift.”

Meaning: I can’t justify spending our hard-earned savings on this expensive toy, but I really want it.

“We tried their product, but it was an absolute disaster. Everyone knows that they can’t deliver on time and that they offer the worst customer service on the planet.”

Meaning: I’m not certain of the real facts, so I’ll use hyperbole to get your attention.

Labeling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.

“Your ideas are practically Neanderthal. Any thinking person would follow my plan.”

Meaning: I can’t argue my case on its merits, so to get what I want I’ll attack you personally.

“You’re not going to listen to them are you? For crying out loud! First, they’re from headquarters. Second, they’re engineers. Need I say more?”

Meaning: If I pretend that all people from headquarters and all engineers are somehow bad and wrong, I won’t have to explain anything.

Attacking speaks for itself. You’ve moved from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening.

“Try that stupid little stunt and see what happens.”

Meaning: I will get my way on this even if I have to bad-mouth you and threaten some vague punishment.

“Don’t listen to a word Jim is saying. I’m sorry Jim, but I’m on to you. You’re just trying to make it better for your team while making the rest of us suffer. I’ve seen you do it before. You’re a real jerk, you know that? I’m sorry, but someone has to have the guts to tell it like it is.”

Meaning: To get my way, I’ll say bad things about you and then pretend that I’m the only one with any integrity.

Look for Your Style Under Stress

Let’s say you’ve been watching for both content and conditions. You’re paying special attention to when a conversation turns crucial. To catch this important moment, you’re looking for signs that safety is at risk. As safety is violated, you even know to watch for various forms of silence and violence. So are you now fully armed? Have you seen all there is to see?

Actually, no. Perhaps the most difficult element to watch closely as you’re madly dual-processing is your own behavior. Frankly, most people have trouble pulling themselves away from the tractor beam of the argument at hand. Then you’ve got the problem other people present as they employ all kinds of tactics. You’ve got to watch them like a hawk. It’s little wonder that paying close attention to your own behavior tends to take a back-seat. Besides, it’s not like you can actually step out of your body and observe yourself. You’re on the wrong side of your eyeballs.

Low self-monitors. The truth is, we all have trouble monitoring our own behavior at times. We usually lose any semblance of social sensitivity when we become so consumed with ideas and causes that we lose track of what we’re doing. We try to bully our way through. We speak when we shouldn’t. We withdraw into a punishing silence. We do things that don’t work—all in the name of a cause. We eventually become so unaware that we become a bit like this fellow of Jack Handy’s invention.

 

People were always talking about how mean this guy was who lived on our block. But I decided to go see for myself. I went to his door, but he said he wasn’t the mean guy, the mean guy lived in that house over there. “No, you stupid idiot,” I said, “that’s my house.”

 

Unfortunately, when you fail to monitor your own behavior, you can look pretty silly. For example, you’re talking to your spouse about the fact that he or she left you sitting at the auto repair shop for over an hour. After pointing out that it was a simple misunderstanding, your spouse exclaims: “You don’t have to get angry.”

Then you utter those famous words: “I’m not angry!”

Of course, you’re spraying spit as you shout out your denial, and the vein on your forehead has swelled to the size of a teenage python. You, quite naturally, don’t see the inconsistency in your response. You’re in the middle of the whole thing, and you don’t appreciate it one bit when your spouse laughs at you.

You also play this denial game when you ingenuously answer the question, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” you whimper. Then you shuffle your feet, stare at the floor, and look wounded.

Become a Vigilant Self-Monitor

What does it take to be able to step out of an argument and watch for process—including what you yourself are doing and the impact you’re having? You have to become a vigilant self-monitor. That is, pay close attention to what you’re doing and the impact it’s having, and then alter your strategy if necessary. Specifically, watch to see if you’re having a good or bad impact on safety.

Your Style Under Stress Test

What kind of a self-monitor are you? One good way to increase your self-awareness is to explore your Style Under Stress. What do you do when talking turns tough? To find out, fill out the survey on the following pages. Or, for easier scoring, visit www.CrucialConversations.com/sus. It’ll help you see what tactics you typically revert to when caught in the midst of a crucial conversation. It’ll also help you determine which parts of this book can be most helpful to you.

Instructions. The following questions explore how you typically respond when you’re in the middle of a crucial conversation. Before answering, pick a specific relationship at work or at home. Then answer the items while thinking about how you typically approach risky conversations in that relationship.

T F  1. At times I avoid situations that might bring me into contact with people I’m having problems with.

T F  2. I have put off returning phone calls or e-mails because I simply didn’t want to deal with the person who sent them.

T F  3. Sometimes when people bring up a touchy or awkward issue, I try to change the subject.

T F  4. When it comes to dealing with awkward or stressful subjects, sometimes I hold back rather than give my full and candid opinion.

T F  5. Rather than tell people exactly what I think, sometimes I rely on jokes, sarcasm, or snide remarks to let them know I’m frustrated.

T F  6. When I’ve got something tough to bring up, sometimes I offer weak or insincere compliments to soften the blow.

T F  7. In order to get my point across, I sometimes exaggerate my side of the argument.

T F  8. If I seem to be losing control of a conversation, I might cut people off or change the subject in order to bring it back to where I think it should be.

T F  9. When others make points that seem stupid to me, I sometimes let them know it without holding back at all.

T F  10. When I’m stunned by a comment, sometimes I say things that others might take as forceful or attacking—comments such as “Give me a break!” or “That’s ridiculous!”

T F  11. Sometimes when things get heated, I move from arguing against others’ points to saying things that might hurt them personally.

T F  12. If I get into a heated discussion, I’ve been known to be tough on the other person. In fact, the person might feel a bit insulted or hurt.

T F  13. When I’m discussing an important topic with others, sometimes I move from trying to make my point to trying to win the battle.

T F  14. In the middle of a tough conversation, I often get so caught up in arguments that I don’t see how I’m coming across to others.

T F  15. When talking gets tough and I do something hurtful, I’m quick to apologize for mistakes.

T F  16. When I think about a conversation that took a bad turn, I tend to focus first on what I did that was wrong rather than focus on others’ mistakes.

T F  17. I’m pretty good at persuading others by helping them understand the reasoning behind my views.

T F  18. I can tell very quickly when others are holding back or feeling defensive in a conversation.

T F  19. Sometimes I decide that it’s better not to give harsh feedback because I know that it’s bound to cause real problems.

T F  20. When conversations aren’t working, I step back from the fray, think about what’s happening, and take steps to make it better.

T F  21. When others get defensive because they misunderstand me, I quickly get us back on track by clarifying what I do and don’t mean.

T F  22. There are some people I’m rough on because, to be honest, in the moment I feel like they need or deserve what I give them.

T F  23. I sometimes make absolute statements like “The fact is . . .” or “It’s obvious that . . .” to be sure I get my point across.

T F  24. If others hesitate to share their views, I sincerely invite them to say what’s on their mind, no matter what it is.

T F  25. I sometimes feel so frustrated or put down that I come across pretty aggressively toward the other person.

T F  26. Even when things get tense, I’m good at finding out why people are upset and getting to the root cause of the problem.

T F  27. When I find that I’m at cross-purposes with someone, I often keep trying to win my way rather than looking for common ground.

T F  28. When things don’t go well, in the heat of the moment I’m inclined to think the other person is more at fault than I am.

T F  29. After I share strong opinions, I go out of my way to invite others to share their views, particularly opposing ones.

T F  30. When others hesitate to share their views, I listen even more attentively and show more interest in their view.

T F  31. I often have problems with people failing to do what we agreed to and then the burden is on me to bring it up again.

T F  32. After conversations, I have additional problems because I have different recollections of what was discussed or agreed to.

T F  33. When trying to work out problems with others, I find we either disagree on or have violated expectations about who has the final say on some issues.

Assess Your Own “Style Under Stress” Online

To access a self-scoring version of the Style Under Stress test, as well as other free resources to help you master crucial conversations, visit www.CrucialConversations.com/exclusive.

Style Under Stress Score

Please fill out the score sheets in Figures 4-1 and 4-2. Each domain contains two to three questions. Next to the question number is either a (T) or an (F). For example, under “Masking,” question 5 on Figure 4-1, you’ll find a (T). This means that if you answered it true, check the box. With question 13 on Figure 4-2, on the other hand, you’ll find an (F). Only check that box if you answered the question false—and so on.

Your Style Under Stress score (Figure 4-1) will show you which forms of silence or violence you turn to most often. Your Dialogue Skills score (Figure 4-2) is organized by concept and chapter so you can decide which chapters may benefit you the most.

image

Figure 4-1. Score Sheet for Style Under Stress Assessment

What Your Score Means

Your silence and violence scores give you a measure of how frequently you fall into these less-than-perfect strategies. It’s actually possible to score high in both. A high score (one or two checked boxes per domain) means you use this technique fairly often. It also means you’re human. Most people toggle between holding back and becoming too forceful.

The seven domains in Figure 4-2 reflect your skills in each of the corresponding seven skill chapters. If you score high (two or three boxes) in one of these domains, you’re already quite skilled in this area. If you score low (zero or one), you may want to pay special attention to these chapters.

Since these scores represent how you typically behave during stressful or crucial conversations, they can change. Your score doesn’t represent an inalterable character trait or a genetic propensity. It’s merely a measure of your behavior—and you can change that. In fact, people who take this book seriously will practice the skills contained in each chapter and eventually they will change. And when they do, so will their lives.

image

Figure 4-2. Score Sheet for Dialogue Skills Assessment

What next? Now that you’ve identified your own Style Under Stress, you have a tool that can help you Learn to Look. That is, as you enter a touchy conversation, you can make a special effort to avoid some of your silence or violence habits. Also, when you’re in the middle of a crucial conversation, you can be more conscious of what to watch for.

My Crucial Conversation: Tom E.

I am fifty-five years old, and we all know the saying “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” I have worked in engineering and purchasing at the same company for seventeen years. Throughout my career I’ve faced recurring interpersonal conflicts that resulted from frequent “blow-ups.” I’d always believed completing the task was the most important thing and relationship damage was collateral damage I could live with.

My immediate superior had attended a Crucial Conversations class for the upper-level managers at our company. The next step was to enroll the next level of managers and coaches. I don’t coach anyone, but my supervisor enrolled me in the class anyway.

My initial thought was, “I really don’t have the time for this stuff!” But after the first few minutes, I realized that not only was I in the right place, but there was potential to learn something. I sat intently and absorbed as much as I could. As I “Learned to Look” I replayed past incidents in my mind and realized where I had gone wrong. I realized that I paid no attention when interacting with others. I didn’t notice when they went to silence or violence. It was “my way or the highway,” and I would push until others went to silence, which to me signaled agreement.

During the training, I reread chapters and talked with classmates. I met with my learning partner, and he candidly told me that many of my coworkers believed I had a wealth of knowledge but avoided dealing with me because they didn’t know when my next blow-up would happen.

Shortly after I completed the class, the director of engineering called me into his office. He placed me on probation because of feedback about my blow-ups. I had three months to turn things around or I was gone. I thought overnight about what I was going to do. I realized what I had learned about myself in the Crucial Conversations class gave me the tools to fix the problem. Prior to the class, I had no clue about how to turn things around and most likely would have walked out the door. Because of Crucial Conversations, however, I accepted the challenge.

My coach told me this would have to be a “life change” and not a temporary change, and I realized I had some fences to mend within the organization. I knew the road was going to be long and hard. Apologizing was difficult, but I wanted to change myself.

It is now a year later, and I still work for the same company. The things that have happened in the last year amaze me. I have mended all the fences, and at times, individuals have come to me for advice on dealing with situations. I have even had crucial conversations with managers of our company on behalf of others. My wife tells me the pattern of behavior of the last thirty years has changed. Things that used to cause me to blow up at home no longer do, and she says it’s like being married to a different person. I am a different person—one even I like. Crucial Conversations has definitely changed me, and this old dog has learned new tricks.

—Tom E.

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