BACK TO YVONNE AND JOTHAM

Let’s end the chapter where we started. Yvonne is going to try to move to dialogue with Jotham. Let’s see how she does at making it safe in her crucial conversation. First, she’ll use Contrasting to prevent misunderstanding of her purpose.

YVONNE: Jotham, I’d like to talk about our physical relationship. I’m not doing it to put you on the spot or to suggest the problem is yours. I’m completely clear that it’s as much my problem as yours. I’d really like to talk about it so we can make things better for both of us.

JOTHAM: What’s there to talk about? You don’t want it. I want it. I’ll try to deal with it.

YVONNE: I think it’s more complicated than that. The way you act sometimes makes me want to be with you even less.

JOTHAM: If that’s how you feel, why are we pretending we have a relationship at all?

Okay, what just happened? Remember, we’re exploring Yvonne’s side of the conversation. She’s the one initiating the talk. Clearly there’s a lot Jotham could be doing to make things go better. But Yvonne’s not Jotham. What should she do? She should focus on what she really wants: to find a way to make things better for both of them. Consequently, she shouldn’t respond to the content of Jotham’s discouraging statement. Rather, she should look at the safety issue behind it. Why is Jotham starting to withdraw from the conversation? Two reasons:

• The way Yvonne made her point sounded to him like she was blaming him for everything.

• He believes her concern in one small area reflects her total feelings toward him.

So she’ll apologize and use Contrasting to rebuild safety.

YVONNE: I’m sorry I said it that way. I’m not blaming you for how I feel or act. That’s my problem. I don’t see this as your problem. I see it as our problem. Both of us may be acting in ways that make things worse. I know I am, at least.

JOTHAM: I probably am too. Sometimes I pout because I’m hurting. And I also do it hoping it’ll make you feel bad. I’m sorry about that, too.

Notice what just happened. Since Yvonne dealt well with the safety issue and kept focused on what she really wanted out of this conversation, Jotham returned to the conversation. This is far more effective than if Yvonne had gone into blaming.

Let’s continue.

JOTHAM: I just don’t see how we can work this out. I’m wired for more passion than you are—it seems like the only solution is for me to put up with it the way it is or for you to feel like a sex slave.

The problem now is one of Mutual Purpose. Jotham thinks he and Yvonne are at cross-purposes. In his mind, there is no possibility of a mutually satisfactory solution. Rather than move to compromise or fight for her way, Yvonne will step out of the issue and CRIB to get to Mutual Purpose.

YVONNE: [Commit to seek Mutual Purpose] No, that isn’t what I want at all. I don’t want anything with you that isn’t great for both of us. I just want to find a way to have us both feel close, appreciated, and loved.

JOTHAM: That’s what I want, too. It just seems like we get those feelings in different ways.

(Notice how Jotham is leaving the game behind and joining the dialogue. Safety—specifically, Mutual Purpose—is making this possible.)

YVONNE: [Recognize the purpose behind the strategy] Maybe not. What makes you feel loved and appreciated?

JOTHAM: Making love with you when you really want to makes me feel loved and appreciated. And you?

YVONNE: When you do thoughtful things for me. And, I guess, when you hold me—but not always sexually.

JOTHAM: You mean, if we’re just cuddling, that makes you feel loved?

YVONNE: Yes. And sometimes—I guess when I think you’re doing it because you love me—sex does that for me, too.

JOTHAM: [Invent a Mutual Purpose] So we need to find ways to be together that make both of us feel loved and appreciated. Is that what we’re looking for here?

YVONNE: Yes. I really want that, too.

JOTHAM: [Brainstorm new strategies] Well, what if we . . .