THE “WHAT” SKILLS

Share Your Facts

In the last chapter we suggested that if you retrace your Path to Action to the source, you eventually arrive at the facts. For example, Carole found the credit card invoice. That’s a fact. She then told a story—Bob’s having an affair. Next, she felt betrayed and horrified. Finally, she attacked Bob—“I should never have married you!” The whole interaction was fast, predictable, and very ugly.

What if Carole took a different route—one that started with facts? What if she were able to suspend the ugly story she told herself (by intentionally thinking of alternative plausible stories) and then start her conversation with the facts? Wouldn’t that be a safer way to go? “Maybe,” she muses, “there is a good reason behind all of this. Why don’t I start with the suspicious bill and then go from there?”

If she started there, she’d be right. The best way to share your view is to follow your Path to Action from beginning to end—the same way you traveled it (Figure 7-1). Unfortunately, when we’re drunk on adrenaline, our tendency is to do precisely the opposite. Since we’re obsessing on our emotions and stories, that’s what we start with. Of course, starting with our ugly stories is the most controversial, least influential, and most insulting way we could begin.

Figure 7-1. The Path to Action

To make matters worse, this strategy creates still another self-fulfilling prophecy. We’re so anxious to blurt out our unflattering conclusions that we say things in extremely ineffective ways. Then, when we get bad results (and we are going to get bad results), we tell ourselves that we just can’t share risky views without creating problems. So the next time we’ve got something sticky to say, we’re even more reluctant to say it. We hold it inside where the story builds up steam, and when we do eventually share our horrific story, we do so with a vengeance. The cycle starts all over again.

Facts are the least controversial. Facts provide a safe beginning. By their very nature, facts aren’t controversial. That’s why we call them facts. For example, consider the statement: “Yesterday you arrived at work twenty minutes late.” No dispute there. Conclusions, on the other hand, are highly controversial. For example: “You can’t be trusted.” That’s hardly a fact. Actually, it’s more like an insult, and it can certainly be disputed. Eventually we may want to share our conclusions, but we certainly don’t want to open up with a controversy.

Facts are the most persuasive. In addition to being less controversial, facts are also more persuasive than subjective conclusions. Facts form the foundation of belief. So if you want to persuade others, don’t start with your stories. Start with your observations. For example, which of the following do you find more persuasive?

“I want you to stop sexually harassing me!”

or

“When you talk to me, your eyes move up and down rather than look at my face. And sometimes you put your hand on my shoulder.”

While we’re speaking here about being persuasive, let’s add that our goal is not to persuade others that we are right. We aren’t trying to “win” the dialogue. We just want our meaning to be added to the pool to get a fair hearing. We’re trying to help others see how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could end up with the story we’re carrying. That’s all.

When we start with shocking or offensive conclusions (“Quit groping me with your eyes!” or “I think we should declare bankruptcy”), we actually encourage others to tell Villain Stories about us. Since we’ve given them no facts to support our conclusion, they make up reasons we’re saying these things. They’re likely to believe we’re either stupid or evil.

So if your goal is to help others see how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could think what you’re thinking, start with your facts.

And if you aren’t sure what your facts are (your story is absolutely filling your brain), take the time to think them through before you enter the crucial conversation. Take the time to sort out facts from conclusions. Gathering the facts is the homework required for crucial conversations.

Facts are the least insulting. If you do want to share your story, don’t start with it. Your story (particularly if it has led to a rather ugly conclusion) could easily surprise and insult others. It could kill safety in one rash, ill-conceived sentence.

BRIAN: I’d like to talk to you about your leadership style. You micromanage me, and it’s starting to drive me nuts.

FERNANDO: What? I ask you if you’re going to be done on time and you lay into me with . . .

If you start with your story (and in so doing, kill safety), you may never actually get to the facts.

Begin your path with facts. In order to talk about your stories, you need to lead the others involved down your Path to Action. Let them experience your path from the beginning to the end, and not from the end to—well, to wherever it takes you. Let others see your experience from your point of view—starting with your facts. This way, when you do talk about what you’re starting to conclude, they’ll understand why. First the facts, then the story—and then make sure that as you explain your story, you tell it as a possible story, not as concrete fact.

BRIAN: Since I started work here, you’ve asked to meet with me twice a day. That’s more than with anyone else. You have also asked me to pass all of my ideas by you before I include them in a project. [The facts]

FERNANDO: What’s your point?

BRIAN: I’m not sure that you’re intending to send this message, but I’m beginning to wonder if you don’t trust me. Maybe you think I’m not up to the job or that I’ll get you into trouble. Is that what’s going on? [The possible story]

FERNANDO: Really, I was merely trying to give you a chance to get my input before you got too far down the path on a project. The last guy I worked with was constantly taking his project to near completion only to learn that he’d left out a key element. I’m trying to avoid surprises.

Earn the right to share your story by starting with your facts. Facts lay the groundwork for all delicate conversations.

Tell Your Story

Sharing your story can be tricky. Even if you’ve started with your facts, the other person can still become defensive when you move from facts to stories. After all, you’re sharing potentially unflattering conclusions and judgments.

Why share your story in the first place? Because the facts alone are rarely worth mentioning. It’s the facts plus the conclusion that call for a face-to-face discussion. In addition, if you simply mention the facts, the other person may not understand the severity of the implications. For example:

“I noticed that you had company software in your briefcase.”

“Yep, that’s the beauty of software. It’s portable.”

“That particular software is proprietary.”

“It ought to be! Our future depends on it.”

“My understanding is that it’s not supposed to go home.”

“Of course not. That’s how people steal it.”

(Sounds like it’s time for a conclusion.) “I was wondering what the software is doing in your briefcase. It looks like you’re taking it home. Is that what’s going on here?”

It takes confidence. To be honest, it can be difficult to share negative conclusions and unattractive judgments (e.g., “I’m wondering if you’re a thief”). It takes confidence to share such a potentially inflammatory story. However, if you’ve done your homework by thinking through the facts behind your story, you’ll realize that you are drawing a reasonable, rational, and decent conclusion. One that deserves hearing. And by starting with the facts, you’ve laid the groundwork. By thinking through the facts and then leading with them, you’re much more likely to have the confidence you need to add controversial and vitally important meaning to the shared pool.

Don’t pile it on. Sometimes we lack the confidence to speak up, so we let problems simmer for a long time. Given the chance, we generate a whole arsenal of unflattering conclusions. For example, you’re about to hold a crucial conversation with your child’s second-grade teacher. The teacher wants to hold your daughter back a year. You want your daughter to advance right along with her age group. This is what’s going on in your head:

“I can’t believe this! This teacher is straight out of college, and she wants to hold Debbie back. To be perfectly frank, I don’t think she gives much weight to the stigma of being held back. Worse still, she’s quoting the recommendation of the school psychologist. The guy’s a real idiot. I’ve met him, and I wouldn’t trust him with a common cold. I’m not going to let these two morons push me around.”

Which of these insulting conclusions or judgments should you share? Certainly not the entire menagerie of unflattering tales. In fact, you’re going to need to work on this Villain Story before you have any hope of healthy dialogue. As you do, your story begins to sound more like this (note the careful choice of terms—after all, it is your story, not the facts):

“When I first heard your recommendation, my initial reaction was to oppose your decision. But after thinking about it, I’ve realized I could be wrong. I realized I don’t really have any experience about what’s best for Debbie in this situation—only fears about the stigma of being held back. I know it’s a complex issue. I’d like to talk about how both of us can more objectively weigh this decision.”

Look for safety problems. As you share your story, watch for signs that safety is deteriorating. If people start becoming defensive or appear to be insulted, step out of the conversation and rebuild safety by Contrasting.

Use Contrasting. Here’s how it works:

“I know you care a great deal about my daughter, and I’m confident you’re well-trained. That’s not my concern at all. I know you want to do what’s best for Debbie, and I do too. My only issue is that this is an ambiguous decision with huge implications for the rest of her life.”

Be careful not to apologize for your views. Remember, the goal of Contrasting is not to water down your message, but to be sure that people don’t hear more than you intend. Be confident enough to share what you really want to express.

Ask for Others’ Paths

We mentioned that the key to sharing sensitive ideas is a blend of confidence and humility. We express our confidence by sharing our facts and stories clearly. We demonstrate our humility by then asking others to share their views—and meaning it.

So once you’ve shared your point of view—facts and stories alike—invite others to do the same. If your goal is to keep expanding the pool of meaning rather than to be right, to make the best decision rather than to get your way, then you’ll willingly listen to other views. By being open to learning we are demonstrating humility at its best.

For example, ask yourself: “What does the schoolteacher think?” “Is my boss really intending to micromanage me?” “Is my spouse really having an affair?”

To find out others’ views on the matter, encourage them to express their facts, stories, and feelings. Then carefully listen to what they have to say. Equally important, be willing to abandon or reshape your story as more information pours into the Pool of Shared Meaning.