EXPLORING WENDY’S PATH

Now let’s put the several skills together in a single interaction. We’ll return to Wendy. She has just come home from a date with the guy who has you frightened. You yank the door open, pull Wendy into the house, and double-bolt your entrance. Then you talk, sort of.

WENDY: How could you embarrass me like that! I get one boy to like me, and now he’ll never talk to me again! I hate you!

YOU: That wasn’t a boy. That was a future inmate. You’re worth more than that. Why are you wasting your time with him?

WENDY: You’re ruining my life. Leave me alone!

After Wendy’s bedroom door slams shut, you drop down into a chair in the living room. Your emotions are running wild. You’re terrified about what could happen if Wendy continues to see this guy. You’re hurt that she said she hated you. You feel that your relationship with her is spiraling out of control.

So you ask yourself, “What do I really want?” As you mull this question over, your motives change. The goals of controlling Wendy and defending your pride drop from the top to the bottom of your list. The goal that’s now at the top looks a bit more inspiring: “I want to understand what she’s feeling. I want a good relationship with Wendy. And I want her to make choices that will make her happy.”

You’re not sure if tonight is the best or worst time to talk, but you know that talking is the only path forward. So you give it a shot.

YOU: (Tapping on door.) Wendy? May I talk with you please?

WENDY: Whatever.

(You enter her room and sit on her bed.)

YOU: I’m really sorry for embarrassing you like that. That was a bad way to handle it. [Apologize to build safety]

WENDY: It’s just that you do that a lot. It’s like you want to control everything in my life.

YOU: Can we talk about that? [Ask]

WENDY: (Sounding angry) It’s no big deal. You’re the parent, right?

YOU: From the way you say that, it sounds like it is a big deal. [Mirror] I really would like to hear what makes you think I’m trying to control your life. [Ask]

WENDY: What, so you can tell me more ways that I’m screwed up? I’ve finally got one friend who accepts me, and you’re trying to chase him away!

YOU: So you feel like I don’t approve of you, and your friend is one person who does? [Paraphrase]

WENDY: It’s not just you. All my friends have lots of boys who like them. Doug’s the first guy who’s even called me. I don’t know—never mind.

YOU: I can see how you’d feel badly when others are getting attention from boys and you aren’t. I’d probably feel the same way. [Paraphrase]

WENDY: Then how could you embarrass me like that?!

YOU: Honey, I’d like to take a stab at something here. I wonder if part of the reason you’ve started dressing differently and hanging out with different friends is because you’re not feeling cared about and valued by boys, by your parents, and by others right now. Is that part of it? [Prime]

WENDY: (Sits quietly for a long time) Why am I so ugly? I really work on how I look but. . .

From here, the conversation goes to the real issues, parent and daughter discuss what’s really going on, and both come to a better understanding of each other.

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