VAGUE BUT ANNOYING

“YEAH, BUT . . .

THE PERSON I’M THINKING OF doesn’t do blatantly unacceptable things—nothing to write home about—just subtle stuff that’s starting to drive me crazy.”

The Danger Point

If people simply bother you at some abstract level, maybe what they’re doing isn’t worthy of a conversation. Perhaps the problem is not their behavior but your tolerance. For example, an executive laments, “My employees really disappoint me. Just look at the length of their hair.” It turns out that the employees in question have no contact with anyone besides one another. Their hair length has nothing to do with job performance. The boss really has no reason to say anything.

However, when actions are both subtle and unacceptable, then you have to retrace your Path to Action and put your finger on exactly what others are doing or you have nothing to discuss. Abstract descriptions peppered with your vague conclusions or stories have no place in crucial conversations. For example, whenever your family gets together, your brother constantly takes potshots at everyone else using sarcastic humor. The individual comments aren’t directly insulting enough to discuss. What you want to talk about is the fact that these constant comments make every get-together feel negative. Remember, clarifying the facts is the homework required for crucial conversations.

The Solution

Retrace your Path to Action to its source. Identify specific behaviors that are out of bounds and take note. When you’ve done your homework, consider the behaviors you noted and make sure the story you’re telling yourself about these behaviors is important enough for dialogue. If it is, then Make It Safe and STATE Your Path.

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