4

Learn to Look

How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk

Let’s start this chapter by visiting a failed crucial conversation. You’ve just ended a heated debate with a group of people you supervise. What started out as a harmless discussion about your new product timelines ended up as a nasty argument. After an hour of carping and complaining, you finally went to your separate corners.

You’re now walking down the hall wondering what happened. In a matter of minutes, an innocent discussion had transformed into a crucial conversation and then into a failed conversation—and you can’t recall why. You do remember a tense moment when you started pushing your point of view a bit too hard (okay, maybe way too hard), and eight people stared at you as if you had just bitten the head off a chicken. But then the meeting ended.

What you don’t realize is that two of your friends are walking down the hallway in the opposite direction conducting a play-by-play of the meeting. They do know what took place.

“It happened again. The boss started pushing so hard for personal agenda items that we all began to act defensively. Did you notice how at one point all of our jaws dropped simultaneously? Of course, I was just as bad as the boss. I spoke in absolutes, only pointed out facts that supported my view, and then ended with a list of outlandish claims. I got hooked like a marlin.”

Later that day as you talk to your friends about the meeting, they let you in on what happened. You were there, but somehow you missed what actually happened.

“That’s because you were so caught up in the content of the conversation,” your buddy explains. “You cared so deeply about the product timelines that you were blind to the conditions. You know—how people were feeling and acting, what tone they were taking, stuff like that.”

“You saw all that while still carrying on a heated conversation?” you ask.

“Yeah,” your coworker explains, “I always watch two elements. When things start turning ugly, I watch the content of the conversation (the topic under discussion) along with the conditions (what people are doing in response). I look for and examine both what and why. If you can see why people are becoming upset or holding back their views or even going silent, you can do something to get back on track.”

“You look at the ‘conditions,’ and then you know what to do to get back on track?”

“Sometimes,” your friend answers. “But you’ve got to learn exactly what to look for.”

“It’s a form of social first aid. By watching for the moment a conversation starts turning unhealthy, you can respond quickly. The sooner you notice you’re not in dialogue, the easier it is to get back and the lower the costs.”

“But,” your friend continues, “the sad corollary is that the longer it takes to notice you’re not in dialogue, the harder it is to get back and the higher the costs.”

You can’t believe how obvious this advice is—and yet you’ve never thought of such a thing. Weirder still, your friend has. In fact, he has a whole vocabulary for what’s going on during a crucial conversation. It’s as if you’ve been speaking another language.

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