STATE MY PATH

If Carole’s goal is to have a healthy conversation about a tough topic (e.g., I think you’re having an affair), her only hope is to stay in dialogue—at least until she confirms or disconfirms her concerns. That holds true for anybody with any crucial conversation (i.e., It feels like you micromanage me; I fear you’re using drugs). That means that despite your worst suspicions, you shouldn’t violate respect. In a similar vein, you shouldn’t kill safety with threats and accusations.

So what should you do? Start with Heart. Think about what you really want and how dialogue can help you get it. And master your story—realize that you may be jumping to a hasty Victim, Villain, or Helpless Story. The best way to find out the true story is not to act out the worst story you can generate. That will lead to self-destructive silence and violence games. Think about other possible explanations long enough to temper your emotions so you can get to dialogue. Besides, if it turns out you’re right about your initial impression, there will be plenty of time for confrontations later on.

Once you’ve worked on yourself to create the right conditions for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for:

• Share your facts

• Tell your story

• Ask for others’ paths

• Talk tentatively

• Encourage testing

The first three skills describe what to do. The last two tell how to do it.