WON’T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING SERIOUS

MY SPOUSE IS THE person you talked about earlier. You know, I try to hold a meaningful discussion, I try to work through an important problem, and he or she simply withdraws. What can I do?”

The Danger Point

It’s common to blame others for not wanting to stay in dialogue as if it were some kind of genetic disorder. That’s not the problem. If others don’t want to talk about tough issues, it’s because they believe that it won’t do any good. Either they aren’t good at dialogue, or you aren’t, or you both aren’t—or so they think.

The Solution

Work on me first. Your spouse may have an aversion to all crucial conversations, even when talking to a skilled person. Nevertheless, you’re still the only person you can work on. Start with simple challenges. Don’t go for the really tough issues. Do your best to Make It Safe. Constantly watch to see when your spouse starts to become uncomfortable. Use tentative language. Separate intent from outcome. “I’m pretty sure you’re not intending to. . .” If your spouse consistently seems unwilling to talk about his or her personal issues, learn how to Explore Others’ Paths. Practice these skills every chance you get. In short, start simply and then bring all your dialogue tools into play.

Now, having said all of this, exercise patience. Don’t nag. Don’t lose hope and then go to violence. Every time you become aggressive or insulting, you give your spouse additional evidence that crucial conversations do nothing but cause harm.

If you’re constantly on your best dialogue behavior, you’ll build more safety in the relationship and your spouse will be more likely to begin picking up on the cues and start coming around.

When you see signs of improvement, you can accelerate the growth by inviting your spouse to talk with you about how you talk. Your challenge here is to build safety by establishing a compelling Mutual Purpose. You need to help your partner see a reason for having this conversation—a reason that is so compelling that he or she will be willing to take part.

Share what you think the consequences of having or not having this conversation could be (both positive and negative). Explain what it means to both you and the relationship. Then invite your spouse to help identify the topics you have a hard time discussing. Take turns describing how you both tend to approach these topics. Then discuss the possible benefits of helping each other make improvements.

Sometimes if you can’t talk about the tough topics, you can more easily talk about how you talk—or don’t talk—about them. That helps get things started.