I NEED TIME TO CALM DOWN!
The Danger Point
Once you’ve become angry, it’s not always easy to calm down. You’ve told yourself an ugly story, your body has responded by preparing for a fight, and now you’re trying your best not to duke it out—only your body hasn’t caught up with your brain. So what do you do? Do you try to stay in dialogue even though your intuition tells you to back off and buy some time? After all, Mom said, “Never go to bed angry.”
The Solution
Okay, so your mom wasn’t exactly right. She was right by suggesting that you shouldn’t let serious problems go unresolved. She was wrong about always sticking with a discussion, no matter your emotional state. It’s perfectly okay to suggest that you need some time alone and that you’d like to pick up the discussion later on—say, tomorrow. Then, after you’ve dissipated the adrenaline and have had time to think about the issues, hold the conversation. Coming to mutual agreement to take a time-out is not the same thing as going to silence. In fact, it’s a very healthy example of dialogue.
As a side note on this topic, it’s not such a good idea to tell others that they need to calm down or that they need to take some time out. They may need the time, but it’s hard to suggest it without coming off as patronizing. “Take ten minutes, calm down, and then get back to me.” With others, get back to the source of their anger. Retrace their Path to Action.