Index
ABC skills (agree, build, compare) in, 170–172, 219
Accountability:
in decision making, 186
importance of, 13–14
living up to agreements, 82–83, 193–194
Accusations, 77
Action:
emotions and, 104–105, 106–107, 112–113
skills and questions in, 216 (See also Decision making Path to Action)
Adrenaline:
in crucial conversations, 5
need to calm down, 202–203
in Starting with Heart, 42, 45
Advocacy, excessive, 150–153
Aggressiveness, 57
Agreement, in listening, 170–171, 219
AMPP skills (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime), 162–167
Anger:
adrenaline and, 5, 42, 45, 202–203
contrasting and, 89
need to calm down, 202–203
stories about, 103–104
Apologizing:
to mend safety violations, 84, 97
Appeals to authority, 151
Assignments, 183–186
Attacking, as violence, 61
Authority:
appeals to, 151
in decision making, 179–180
deference to, 194–195
insubordination, 204–205, 208–209
Avoiding, 59
Barry, Dave, 211
Behavioral cues, 54–55
Belittling, 61
Bierce, Ambrose, 33
Body language:
mirroring, 163–164
in Starting with Heart, 38, 40, 44, 54
Brain:
in crucial conversations, 5–6
reengaging, 56–57
refocusing in Starting with Heart, 42–43, 44, 45–47
in refusing Fool’s Choice, 45–47
safety violations and, 56–57
Brainstorming, in creating Mutual Purpose, 94, 95–96, 98
Building, in listening, 171–172, 219
Bullying, 13
Butler, Samuel, 26
Career progress, crucial conversations in, 10, 20–23
Change, avoiding Fool’s Choice in, 44–47
Commitment:
accountability and, 82–83, 193–194
to seeking Mutual Purpose, 91–92, 94–95, 97–98
Comparing, in listening, 172, 219
Conditions of conversation:
dual-processing and, 53–54, 55, 57, 62
Mutual Purpose, 76–78, 82–96, 191, 198, 206, 209
Mutual Respect, 79–90, 204–205
personal Style Under Stress, 61–69
safety and, 52–54, 55–56, 61–69, 76–82
watching for, 53–54
Confidence:
in asking for others’ paths, 143
in maintaining safety, 133
in State My Path skills, 133, 141
in talking tentatively, 143–146
Consensus decisions, 182
Consultative decisions, 181–182
Content of conversation:
dual-processing and, 53–54, 55, 57, 62
intent and, 76–77
personal Style Under Stress, 61–69
safety and, 52–54, 55, 61–69, 74–76
Contrasting, 84–88
in clarifying deliverables, 185
examples of, 85–87, 89–90, 96–98, 217
nature of, 85–86
practice in, 89–90
for prevention or first aid, 88
in providing context and proportion, 87–88
in putting it all together, 213, 217
to rebuild safety, 97
for sensitive personal issues, 206–207
in State My Path skills, 142–143
for tough situations, 206
Controlling:
of stories, 111–122
as violence, 60
Couching, 59
Cross-functional cooperation, silence and failure of, 12
Crucial conversations:
aversion to, 197–198
avoiding Fool’s Choice in, 21–23, 36, 44–47, 119, 125, 134, 209
best at dialogue, 75–76, 91, 106–107, 133
building safety in, 73–99, 213, 215, 217
characteristics of, 1–3
common subjects for, 8–9
decision making versus dialogue, 178–179
defined, 3
examples of, 29–30, 70–71, 99–101, 127–129, 153–154, 172–174, 216–222
Exploring Others’ Paths, 143, 146–147, 155–175, 197–198, 215–216, 218–219 (See also Listening)
free flow of meaning in, 55–56
handling tough situations, 189–209, 229–230
honesty versus friendship in, 22
impact of, 12–16
killers of, 38–40
learning from, 223–230
Learning to Look in, 51–72, 112–113, 200–202, 214 (See also Safety)
learning to spot, 54–55
Making It Safe, 73–99, 213, 215, 217
Master My Stories, 103–130, 215, 217–218
Move to Action, 177–187, 216, 220 (See also Action; Decision making)
Mutual Purpose in, 76–78, 82–96, 209
Mutual Respect in, 79–82, 204–205
nature of dialogue, 179
Pool of Shared Meaning in, 24–28, 74–75, 143, 178
preparing for, 213–220
problems in handling, 4–8
putting it all together, 211–222
responses during, 5–6
role in improving relationships, 14–15
safety at risk in, 51–72
silence and (see Silence)
Starting with Heart in, 33–49 (See also Starting with Heart)
STATE my Path, 135–147 (See also Persuasion; STATE My Path skills)
in Style Under Stress Test, 69
worst at dialogue, 75, 91, 106
Curiosity:
being curious, 157–158
in listening, 157–159
staying curious, 158–159
Deadlines, 186
Decision making, 177–187
accountability in, 186
assignments in, 183–186
authority in, 179–180
deciding how to decide, 179–182
dialogue versus, 178–179
documentation in, 186–187
examples of, 220
methods of, 180–182
skills and questions in, 182–186, 216
Deliverables, in decision making, 184–185
Denial, 62–63
Devil’s advocate role, 147
Dialogue, 19–31
decision making versus, 178–179
defined, 23
learning skills for, 28
remaining in, 79–80
(See also Crucial conversations)
Documentation, 186–187
Double standards, 118–119
Dual-processing, 53–54, 55, 57, 62
acting on versus being acted on, 104–105, 106–107, 112–113
in Crucial Conversations, 1–2, 5, 54 (See also Stories)
excessive advocacy and, 150–153
mirroring to confirm feelings, 163–164
rethinking yourself, 106–108
stories in creating feelings, 108–109, 112, 113–114
thinking them out, 106–107
(See also Anger)
Empathy, 124–125
Exploring Others’ Paths, 143, 146–147, 155–175, 197–198, 215–216, 218–219
(See also Listening)
Facts:
beginning your path with, 140
getting back to, 115–116
as least controversial information, 138
as least insulting information, 139
as most persuasive information, 138–139
sharing, in STATE My Path skills, 136–140
stories versus, 115
Fear:
deference to authority, 194–195
and sharing risky meaning, 132–133
Feelings (see Emotions) Follow-up methods, 186
Fool’s Choices:
avoiding, 21–23, 36, 44–47, 119, 125, 134, 209
encouraging testing and, 146–147
exploring alternatives to, 47–48
searching for the and, 46–47
setting up new choices, 46–47
in wimpy versus tentative approaches, 144–145
Freeze Your Lover approach, 27
Friendship, honesty versus, 22
Generalizations, 151
Gestures (see Body language)
Glaser, Ronald, 15–16
Goldilocks test, 145–146
Gratitude, in Starting with Heart, 40, 42
Grenny, Joseph, 3
Groundhog Day metaphor, 201
Handy, Jack, 62
Harassment, 190–191
Hasty generalizations, 151
Health care:
crucial conversations in improving, 15–16
Pool of Shared Meaning and, 25
silence as killer in, 11, 13, 25
Helpless Story:
nature of, 119
Start with Heart and, 119, 136
turning helpless into the able, 125
Herbert, George, 189
Hidden agendas, 77
Honesty:
friendship versus, 22
in sharing opinions, 158
“Hot” words, 115–116
Hughes, Howard, 184–185
Humility:
in asking for others’ paths, 143
in maintaining safety, 133–134
in talking tentatively, 143–146
Immune system function, 15–16
Incompetence, 13
Initiative problems, 199–200
Insubordination, 204–205, 208–209
Johnson, Samuel, 177
Kiecolt-Glaser, Janice, 15–16
King, Martin Luther, Jr., 19
Learning to Look, 51–72, 112–113, 200–202, 214
in putting it all together, 212–213, 217
skills and questions in, 214, 217
in STATE My Path skills, 152
in tough situations, 192
(See also Safety)
Life-threatening diseases, 16
Listening, 155–175
ABC skills (agree, build, compare) in, 170–172, 219
AMPP skills (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime) in, 162–167
asking for others’ paths, 143
curiosity in, 157–159
encouraging others to retrace path in, 159–161
examples of, 155–156, 157, 158–159, 168–170, 172–174, 218–219
inquiry skills in, 161–162, 167
patience in, 159
sincerity in, 157
skills and questions in, 215–216
Starting with Heart in, 157–159
in STATE My Path skills, 143, 146–147
stepping out of conversation, 74–76, 82–90
in testing others’ views, 146–147
understanding point of view in, 167
Logical fallacies, 151
Making It Safe, 73–99, 213, 215, 217
(See also Safety)
Markman, Howard, 14–15
Masking, 59
Master My Stories skill, 103–130, 215, 217–218
(See also Stories)
Medicine (see Health care)
Meetings, failure to show up, 82–83
Mirroring, 163–164
Move to Action, 177–187, 216, 220
(See also Decision making)
Murray, Bill, 201
brainstorming new strategies, 94, 95–96, 98
commitment to seeking, 91–92, 94–95, 97–98
creating, 90–96
CRIB skills for creating, 91–96, 97–98
for insubordination, 209
looking for mutuality in, 78
nature of, 77–78
recognizing purpose behind strategy, 92–93, 95, 98
for sensitive personal issues, 206
signs of risk, 77
skills for developing, 82–96
in tough situations, 191, 198, 206, 209
Mutual Respect, 79–90
defending dignity and, 79–80
insubordination, 204–205, 208–209
remaining in dialogue, 79–80
respecting people you don’t respect, 80–82
skills for developing, 82–90
Nagging, 7–8
Opinions:
opinion leaders and, 20–23
variations in crucial conversations, 1, 2
Organization performance, crucial conversations in, 11–14
Ouida, 51
Paraphrasing, 164–165
Parker, Dorothy, 131
Path to Action, 110–122
Exploring Others’ Paths, 143, 146–147, 155–175, 197–198, 215–216, 218–219
retracing, 112–122, 159–161, 199
in sharing your facts, 137–138
STATE My Path skills, 135–147
stories and, 107, 108–109, 110–122, 125–126
(See also Listening)
Patience, in listening, 159
Peacemaking, as killer of dialogue, 39–40
Perfection, from practice, 6
Persuasion, 131–154
maintaining safety in, 133–135
sharing risky meaning, 132–133
(See also STATE My Path skills)
Pool of Shared Meaning, 24–28
in decision making, 178
in stories, 143
synergy and, 25–28
Power listening, 166
Pressure, in crucial conversations, 5–6
Priorities, focusing on, 40–44
Punishing, as killer of dialogue, 39
Questions:
in AMPP skills, 162–163
common invitations, 163
in decision making, 182–186, 216
in establishing safety, 134, 215
inquiry skills and, 161–162, 167
in listening, 215–216
in making assignments, 183–186
in Starting with Heart, 43, 78, 214, 217
in STATE My Path skills, 215
in stories, 126
Relationships:
building safety in, 73–76, 96–98
crucial conversations in improving, 14–15
honesty versus friendship in crucial conversations, 22
sensitive personal issues, 192–193, 206–207, 229–230
Respect (see Mutual Respect)
Rusk, Dean, 155
Safety, 57–92
apologizing for violations, 84, 97
building, 73–99, 213, 215, 217
conditions of conversation, 52–54, 55–56, 61–69, 76–82
confidence and, 133
content of conversation, 52–54, 55, 61–69, 74–76
dual-processing and, 53–54, 55, 57, 62
encouraging testing and, 146–147
failed conversations and, 51–53, 56–57
going astray and, 57–58
humility and, 133–134
inviting opposing views, 146–147
looking for problems with, 55–61, 142
maintaining, 133–135
Making It Safe, 73–99, 213, 215, 217
Mutual Purpose and, 76–78, 82–96
Mutual Respect and, 79–90
in putting it all together, 213, 215, 217
responding to violations, 82–90
and sharing risky meaning, 132–133
silence and, 57–60
skills and questions in establishing, 134, 215
stepping out of content of conversation, 74–76, 82–90
(See also Learning to Look)
Salute and Stay Mute approach, 27
Sarcasm, 7, 59, 74–75, 105, 106, 116, 192, 199, 201
Self-defeating behaviors, 6–8
Self-fulfilling prophecy, 136–138
Self-monitoring:
problems with, 62–63
Style Under Stress Test, 63–69
vigilant, 63
Sellouts, 120–122
Sensitive personal issues, 192–193, 206–207, 229–230
Sexual harassment, 190–191
Shakespeare, William, 109
Shared facts, 136–140
Shaw, George Bernard, 1
Silence, 6–7
defined, 58
dialogue and, 29–30
failure with, 12–14
Freeze Your Lover approach to, 27
masking, 59
in Path to Action, 161
personal Style Under Stress, 61–69
“professional,” 106
safety and, 57–60
Salute and Stay Mute approach to, 27
in Style Under Stress Test, 63–69
withdrawing, 59–60
Sincerity, in listening, 157
Social sensitivity, 62–63
Spontaneity, of crucial conversations, 5–6
Stakes, for crucial conversations, 1, 2
Starting with Heart, 33–49
avoiding Fool’s Choice in, 36, 44–47
body language in, 38, 40, 44, 54
finding bearings in, 43
focus on what you really want, 40–44, 46
keeping the peace as dialogue killer, 39–40
listening in, 157–159
in persuasion, 136
punishing as dialogue killer, 39
refocusing brain in, 42–43, 44, 45–47
skills and questions in, 43, 78, 214, 217
winning as dialogue killer, 38–39
working on me first, us second, 34–36, 197–198
STATE My Path skills, 135–147, 172
share your facts, 136–140
tell your story, 140–143
ask for others’ paths, 143
in decision making, 187
talking tentatively, 143–146
encouraging testing, 146–147
examples of, 133, 134–137, 139–140, 148–149, 218
excessive advocacy in, 150–153
failed trust and, 196
with insubordination, 209
repressing stories, 205–206
in sensitive situations, 192
skills and questions in, 215
strong belief and, 149–153
in tough situations, 191, 192, 196, 201–202, 207, 209
with word games, 207
(See also Listening; Path to Action)
Stories, 103–130
in creating feelings, 108–109, 112, 113–114
about emotions, 103–104
encouraging others to retrace path, 159–161
evidence for, 112
examples of, 105–108, 109–111, 115–116, 125–127
facts versus, 115
Goldilocks test for, 145–146
Master My Stories skills, 122–125, 215, 217–218
paraphrasing to acknowledge, 164–165
Path to Action and, 107, 108–109, 110–122, 125–126
as rationale for what’s going on, 109–111
reasons for telling, 119–122
repressing, 205–206
retracing your path, 112–122, 199
skills and questions in, 126
speed of development, 110–111
starting with, 150–151
taking control of, 111–122
telling, in State My Path skills, 140–143
useful, 122–127
Victim Story, 117, 118–119, 121, 123, 136
Villain Story, 118–119, 121, 124–125, 136, 141–142, 190–191
Straw man, 151
Stress:
personal style under, 61–63
Style Under Stress Test, 63–69
Style Under Stress Test, 63–69
Sugarcoating, 59
Suggestions, 171
Surprises, avoiding, 208
Switzler, Al, 40
Synergy, 25–28
Tentative approach, 143–147
encouraging testing in, 146–147
Goldilocks test and, 145–146
wimpy approach versus, 144–145
Testing ideas, 146–147
Testing others’ views, 146–147
Threatening, 61
Tone of voice, mirroring, 163–164
Trust, failure of, 196
Vague complaints, 198–199
Verbal attacks, 27
double standard and, 118–119
Helpless Story versus, 119
nature of, 117
sellouts in, 121
Start with Heart and, 136
turning victims into actors, 123
Villain Story:
double standard and, 118–119
harassment and, 190–191
Helpless Story versus, 119
nature of, 118–119
piling on information in, 141–142
sellouts in, 121
Start with Heart and, 136
turning villains into humans, 124–125
attacking, 61
avoiding, 165
controlling, 60
labeling, 60–61
nature of, 60
in Path to Action, 161
personal Style Under Stress, 61–69
in Style Under Stress Test, 63–69
Violent agreement, 170–171
Virtual work teams, 13
Voting decisions, 182
Winning, as dialogue killer, 38–39
Withdrawing, 59–60
Word games, 207