It is the province of knowledge to speak.
It is the privilege of wisdom to listen.
—Oliver Wendell Holmes, physician and author
I’d whisper to them, “You can make a lot of money with your ears.”
Up to this point in the book (Chapters 1–6), we have concentrated on the first six of My 13 Rules—what you do in preparation to get ready to interact with potential customers and other people you come in contact with who are important to you, including family and friends. This next set of rules, Chapters 7–10, will focus on interaction. Now we’ll be putting those preparation skills you’ve been learning into action. I’ll show you how to apply some very dynamic traits that will change you dramatically. They will make the difference between success and failure. This chapter will center on perhaps the most critical aspect of interaction—listening.
Ears Open, Lips Sealed
When you first meet someone, the natural thing is to think of something to say once you’ve exchanged greetings and introductions. Wrong! Don’t do that. Say nothing. Think about listening. If you train yourself not to speak first, you stand a much better chance of minimizing your mistakes. A good rule of thumb to follow in life is, “Your ears will never get you in trouble. Your mouth is a different matter.” You will find that the top people in all professions are as skilled in listening as they are in talking. This is a hard concept for some people to grasp. They can’t imagine making a positive impression without talking. The truth is more often just the opposite.
The best way to sell yourself is to let the other person do most of the talking. Unless they begin with direct questions about a vehicle, I rarely ever begin by talking about what type of vehicle they’re looking for. I focus first on their favorite topic: themselves. That’s something they know a lot about. I want to know what makes them tick.
Do they have a family of their own?
What’s their profession?
Do they like to travel?
What hobbies interest them?
Get them comfortable by making them feel like a full participant in the conversation instead of just a spectator. That works even better if they have big egos because people with big egos love having a good audience. The more the prospect talks, the more they reveal about themselves to you. Just listen. The more you understand about their needs and wants, the better equipped you’ll be to provide them with the right solution. They’re offering you money, pal. Listen to them. The only thing you should be doing right now is “stalking your prey.” Pick up their signals and cues. Think of yourself as playing a high stakes poker game. You want the other guy to tip his hand first. Only then can you play the winning card, not before.
Listen with All Your Senses
Whether you realize it or not, how people feel about the conversation they’re having with you is not always communicated with the spoken word. Quite often the most important message they will send doesn’t include a single sound from their lips. Their main message to you can come simply in the form of body language. Let me say it again—body language. That’s right. It is crucial that you understand this. If you don’t, you will miss one opportunity after another without knowing why. You must learn to “listen” with all your senses, not just your ears. What are they telling you?
Start by using your eyes. Notice how your prospects are dressed.
Do they appear successful, or just getting by?
Are they giving off signs of nervousness, impatience, or disinterest in what you’re saying?
Does your sense of smell tell you anything important? Maybe they’re not that well groomed.
Are they wearing too much perfume?
Can you smell liquor or cigarette smoke odors?
What does your sense of touch reveal?
When you shook hands, was it a confident or a timid handshake?
Was it a cold or warm hand?
Was it a smooth hand or a workman’s hand you touched?
You may think this is overanalyzing or more information than you need. If you do, you’re dead wrong again! When you add up all the things you observe in others, using all your senses, you get a much more complete picture of the person you’re dealing with and what they’re really “saying” to you. The complete image becomes much clearer. What you visualize becomes reality. But don’t make the mistake of checking just one or two things out and jumping to conclusions.
A customer came in to see me one Saturday morning (when we worked on Saturdays). She was an attractive young lady in her late twenties wearing a pair of nice-fitting jeans, a jacket, and an over-the-shoulder purse. I didn’t see a wedding band, so I thought she was probably single (or maybe divorced). She seemed rather shy and not very talkative. I thought she might not have a very good job, and that led me to believe she might even be a credit risk. I figured at best I’d be putting her into one of our economy cars, where the commission wasn’t as good as on a midsized car. All sorts of yellow flags started to go up, and she hadn’t even said very much.
I could have cut to the chase and asked her if she had a line of credit from her bank to buy a car or if she was “just looking.” That might have seemed rude, but it sure would have saved me a lot of time if my hunch was right. I knew better, though. Don’t ever gamble on the things you make a living at. That is sacred. And it was a good thing I didn’t. For the next 10 minutes, I did a lot of listening.
It turned out that Wendy was a brilliant graphic arts designer who had just recently moved from New York. She had just accepted an offer from a recruitment firm to become a corporate vice president heading up the creative department of one of the top ad agencies in town! Today was her day off. When she finally came around to the discussion of the type of vehicle she wanted, her mind was already made up.
Although I didn’t have the exact color she wanted, I did have her second choice right there on the lot (that I packaged with a very attractive price if she’d take it that day).
We cut a deal, and Wendy opened up her purse (a beautiful Gucci leather bag upon closer inspection) to get her checkbook out. She put an 80 percent down payment on the car right on the spot! She came back later that afternoon when the car was fully prepped and ready to go. Wendy happily drove away in a new white Corvette with all the bells and whistles! It turned out to be my biggest single vehicle commission of the month. By the way, those jeans she was wearing were top-of-the-line designer-marked slacks costing at least $250. The lesson here is clear: Be observant. Be thorough. Don’t jump to conclusions.
Remember what I said in Chapter 6 about how I learned to be a very observant person from the time I was a kid shining shoes. That childhood discipline followed me into my professional life and had a lot to do with my success as I learned to size up people with precision.
Don’t misunderstand how I did this. I didn’t stare at people or make them feel uncomfortable as though they were being strip-searched by an airport body scanning detector. I always observed by glancing with discretion.
By choice I was a very busy person, but to sharpen my own skills, I would occasionally take a moment and just observe the other 41 salesmen on the showroom floor as they interacted with prospects. (Just a reminder, we didn’t have any women selling back then.) In my office, I had a one-way glass window. Even though I couldn’t hear them, because my office door was always closed, I would “listen” to them by observation. I could tell what was right or wrong about practically everything they were doing. I felt I had developed a sixth sense that became especially useful with my prospects.
Very few of the salespeople I worked with had any idea about using all their senses of observation for “listening.” Most of them would make generalizations about people and would then charge off blindfolded to blow another golden opportunity. All they ever did was talk, talk, talk—talk themselves right out of a sale while the prospect just sat there helplessly trying to get a word in. The prospect was never able to tell the salesperson what they wanted because he was too busy telling them what he thought they should have. If only they could have seen what I saw from behind my one-way glass window. It was another picture worth a thousand words.
I remember observing a conversation going on between a salesman and a customer. Twenty minutes had gone by, and it occurred to me that none of the paperwork on the desk had moved at all—no catalogs, no pricing sheets, no pens or pencils. Nothing seemed to be happening. Then I noticed the customer start to slump back in his chair a bit. The salesman was doing all the talking, along with a lot of hand gesturing. The customer started to appear a bit anxious. He looked like he wanted to leave. And he did. He got up and excused himself rather abruptly, leaving the salesman sitting there with a look of disbelief on his face. What I saw was a salesman controlling the conversation to the point where the customer couldn’t get a word in. If he saw what I saw, he would never do that again. I told myself, “Joe, don’t you ever do that. Let the customers take the lead. They’ll let you in when the time is right.”
My attentiveness to the smallest details about what I saw in other people helped me to understand who I was dealing with. Once I knew that, my instincts went into action to evaluate the situation accurately and very quickly. Over time I got better and better at this until reading people became second nature to me. I was able to capitalize on this skill and direct my efforts correctly so as to avoid making any stupid mistakes before it was too late. It was like being in the other team’s huddle. I was reading the enemy’s playbook. I wasn’t listening with just my ears. I was paying attention with all my senses. My experience with Wendy was a good example of why I never made assumptions about any of my prospects until I first evaluated them thoroughly through personal observation.
My first experience becoming a good listener happened when I was a kid. Oddly enough, it wasn’t because I had a real problem. It was because I didn’t talk well. I stuttered badly from the time I was about eight years old. It all started about the same time my father began beating me. I can still remember the embarrassment it caused me. It got to the point that, rather than call attention to my stuttering, I went out of my way not to talk too much when I was with a group of kids.
As far as work went back then, what I was doing didn’t require me to speak well. I was doing a lot of odd jobs growing up. After my shoeshine days were over, I was a newspaper carrier, dishwasher, dock loader, stove pipe assembler, and fruit and vegetable vendor. You name it and I probably did it.
Anyway, speaking well didn’t really matter to me except, of course, for the social embarrassment it caused. About the only advice I got was to try and learn to talk slower. I suppose it helped some, but I didn’t have that much pressure or motivation to do it—that is, until I became a retail salesperson. By that time I was 35 years old. Now I had to do something about it.
I taught myself to concentrate on what I was trying to say so that I would speak slowly and carefully. The more I concentrated and practiced, the more improvement I noticed until I overcame that handicap. Learning to overcome stuttering was one of the most important things that ever happened to me for two reasons:
1. It forced me to think more thoroughly about what I was going to say. I began choosing my words more carefully.
2. In the process of curing my stuttering, I also learned some solid fundamentals about communication and something very special that would prove itself to be invaluable to me in my career: I LEARNED TO LISTEN. And listening is the greatest tool you can have.
I’m not the only one that thinks that either. I believe when God gave us two ears and one mouth, He was trying to tell us something.
Did you know that practically everyone you ever come in contact with in life is trying to tell you something? They’re continuously sending you signals and information about how they feel about their interaction with you. In a crowded airport when perfect strangers passing by each other make eye contact, here’s what they may be “saying” to one another:
“I’m not really paying much attention to you.”
“My, you’re good looking. Too bad these three seconds are going to be our entire communication in life.”
“That wife of yours sure is a knockout.”
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I like your suit.”
“Do you always wear that much makeup?”
Remember, not a single word was spoken in any of these examples.
Now in an actual one-on-one interaction, the signals will be more personalized:
When your bank teller smiles at you just before you leave, she’s telling you, “Thanks for being a valuable customer (even if you have the smallest account in the bank).” When you smile back at her, you’re telling her, “Thanks. You’re a really nice person, and I hope you have a great day.”
When someone pulls out in front of you in a parking lot with a smug glance, they’re saying to you, “I’m not waiting any longer. I’m going now whether you like it or not.”
When you sink a putt to win a golf match against another golfer, even a sporting smile can’t hide their real message: “I’ll get you next time.”
When you know you’ve hit a home run with a competitive bid presentation you just made in front of key buyers, their eyes often reveal the truth about how they feel. They may say, “Thank you.” But the real message is, “That was a great presentation, and we really appreciate how much time you put into it.” You respond with, “It was my privilege to be considered for the project.” But your returning eye contact and smile says, “When can I start?”
If you want to know what people are really telling you, then get all of your senses into the listening game and put the pieces of the puzzle together.
Very few people do this well. To me, listening has always been something I do with all my senses, not just my ears. It was one of the most important methods I used when doing homework on my prospects and customers. I made it my business to know and understand who they were long before they came into my office. I knew if they were married, had kids, where they worked, what they were currently driving, their hobbies and interests, and even where they would take their vacations. How did I know all this? Yes, by research and pre-qualifying, but mostly by observation—listening with all my senses.
For example, if a prospect had a trade-in, I made sure I knew if that vehicle had any bumper sticker messages I should be aware of, like vacation destinations or clubs they might belong to, or if the back seat had baby seats in it—anything that would tell me something about that person. One customer had a sticker that identified him as a member of an antique car club. I asked him what type of car he had. It turned out to be a mint condition 1957 Chevy. I told him that was one of my favorites, and if he’d let me know the next time he was entering it in a show, I’d like to come down and see it. Before long, he was looking up dates and our conversation was already moving in the right direction.
Having that kind of knowledge enabled me to steer conversations to the things prospects liked to talk about. It relaxed them and made them feel comfortable. Before long, we were on common ground. It was the first step in getting them to exchange their money for my product, and that was the name of the game and the bottom line. I knew exactly who they were.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to be a psychologist to know and understand people. Use your God-given senses and instincts, especially that other important sense—common sense. Believe me, you’ll know more about people than you ever thought possible, and you’ll come out a winner the way I did. Begin by listening.
I must tell you, in all modesty, when it came to being an observant detective, I learned to do this as thoroughly and as well as anyone I ever met. Even Sherlock Holmes would have a hard time measuring up to “Girard’s magnifying glass.”
Look Like a Listener
Perhaps the most important thing about listening you should remember is, silence is golden. Ask for the order, then remain quiet until your prospect speaks first. The more you sell at the wrong time, the smaller your chances are of closing the deal at the right time. We’ll be discussing this in a lot more detail in Chapter 11, “Lock Up Every Opportunity.” For now, the thing to remember is that no matter where you are in your career—whether you’re a seasoned veteran or just starting out—you must first learn to listen if you’re going to be successful.
This advice doesn’t apply only to people in sales, either. I don’t care if you’re a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer, a plumber, an electrician, or someone who works on the assembly line. Your ability to listen will become evident in the way you understand and follow instructions as well as solve problems. Before long, that skill and ability (or lack of) will quickly identify WHO YOU ARE to those who work with you. If you’re not listening or paying attention, you’ll quickly find yourself on the path to nowhere.
I remember a meeting I had with a remodeling designer who came over to our house to discuss some custom work I wanted done on my home to enlarge and enhance a particular area. My wife and I were very specific about what we wanted, right down to the materials for the walls and floors. After he heard what we told him we wanted, he immediately started to tell us what he thought we should have. He just kept talking and talking. It was as though he hadn’t heard a single word we said. I thought maybe he was going to tell us there was a structural problem in our idea or that we would get some great savings by picking a special package he was offering. Nothing like that happened at all.
Although he had a good reputation in the area, I honestly didn’t know what to make of his comments. It turned out what he was proposing was not only going to cost more but also wasn’t anything like what we were looking for—two strikes if Girard is umpiring this.
I explained to him again that’s not what we just told him we wanted. He grew impatient and said that we’d be better off if we followed his idea since he’d done this particular design many times. That comment irritated me quite a bit. I didn’t want to pay extra for what was easy for him. I wanted a unique custom look for our home. Period. Girard called him out—that was strike three!
Three things happened because he didn’t listen:
1. He lost the sale.
2. I couldn’t give him a recommendation to any of my friends and family.
3. We were back to square one looking for a new supplier (which we eventually found and are very happy with the results).
If you’re one of those people who doesn’t listen or pay attention because you can’t keep your mouth shut, sooner or later you’ll have all the time in the world to talk and tell others why you lost your job. The only problem is they won’t be listening. To the rest of the world, YOU’RE AS GOOD AS DEAD.
If you want to learn a lot about yourself and who you are, then try listening, not to yourself but to others. You’ll be amazed at what you will learn. You’ll start to picture yourself as others see you, and that’s a significant development. When you’re in a fact-finding session with someone, let them see you taking notes (even if you don’t need them). Demonstrate your interest in truly understanding what the prospect needs. Remember, you don’t communicate just verbally. Let them see this caring side of you. When they smile, you smile. When they feel down, be supportive and understanding. Get on their side of the table. The more people notice you intently listening to them, the more likely they’re going to be doing business with you or be persuaded by your point of view.
To put it simply, listening shows that you care more about them than about yourself. Give your customers your complete and undivided attention. Win them over with this technique. They will begin to see you in a totally different light. You will be thought of as more than someone who sold them a product or service. To some, you will become a sounding board for their challenges. To others, you may become a trusted counselor or someone who went the extra mile to help them. To another group, you may be looked upon as a role model they should try to be like. When you reach this point in your relationship with a customer, you are planting the seeds of trust and longevity that will pay dividends again and again and again in the future.
A young lady came into my office one day to discuss purchasing a small family car for herself. She was a single mom with two small, well-dressed daughters. Although she had a decent job as a nurse, her divorce was fairly recent, so she hadn’t had the opportunity to establish much of a credit rating for herself. Unfortunately, this is one of the things single women had to deal with back then more than they do now. I decided to make every effort I could to try to get her a credit break with one of the banks I did a lot of business with. It took a few calls, but it worked and she got the loan approved.
I could tell by her smile when she came in the next day to pick up the car that I had brought a little sunshine into her life that might have otherwise been missing for a while. Sometimes listening is best done with the heart.
A Lesson in Listening
I don’t have to tell you how important repeat business is in any industry. That’s how I made as much as I did during my career. I knew how important getting those customers back was, so I worked at sharpening my listening skills my entire career. But I too had to learn that lesson the hard way. I can remember a very specific instance early in my career when I took my eye off the ball for a moment and it cost me a sale. But it was a valuable lesson. A well-known contractor came in to see me one day to buy a loaded, top-of-the-line model. After going through all the steps with this prospect, including a demo ride, I handed him the pen to sign the purchase agreement. He balked, politely excused himself, and left. I couldn’t figure out what happened. “How did I blow this sale?” I asked myself. Later that evening, when I was going through my meditation process as I reviewed the day, I could only think about that failure. I kept pressing myself for an answer to the question, “What went wrong?” Finally, as the evening wore on, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I picked up the phone and called Dominic. I told him that if I wanted to become a better salesman than I was that afternoon, I needed to know what I did or said that made him leave without buying.
“Dominic, would you tell me what I did wrong?” I asked.
He said, “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“You bet I am.”
“Alright. ARE YOU LISTENING NOW?” he said bluntly.
“I’m all ears.”
“Well, you weren’t this afternoon.”
He then proceeded to tell me that he had just made up his mind to buy from me when, in a moment of final hesitation (after all, he was plunking down a lot of dough for this model) and to ease his mind, he started to tell me how proud he was of his son, Jimmy, who was studying to be a doctor. He talked about his son’s academic and athletic achievements as well as his ambitions. As he recalled these comments from our meeting, I must confess I couldn’t remember him saying any of it. I was obviously not focused and not listening to him. He went on to say that he had noticed (the customer has keen senses too) I didn’t seem to care much. It was as though now that I had this sale clinched, I didn’t need to show any interest in anything he had to say anymore, not even something that was dear to his heart. And that’s when he began to lose interest in me and the product I was selling him. In his mind, he went from being a customer to a guy with a checkbook. I only listened to him when I was qualifying him because that’s all that was IMPORTANT TO ME. The truth of the matter was that he had far greater needs than transportation; he needed to be complimented on something that was more important to him, a son who was his pride and joy—something I rapidly dismissed. In other words, I BLEW IT!
You might say, “Why was it that important whether you listened to the story about his kid or not? You had the product he needed at the right price. That’s all that really mattered. After all, that’s what he came in for. Right?” Wrong again. I have said repeatedly in this book that the product or service a customer buys from you is YOU before it is anything else. What he was really buying that afternoon, along with the car, was me. And quite frankly, on that particular day, I didn’t measure up. At the end of the conversation, I apologized to him for not paying attention and thanked him for being so straightforward with me. I also told him that no wonder his son was doing so well because he had a very special dad who cared so very much about him. My parting comment to him was, “Perhaps the next time you’ll give me a second chance and buy from me.”
I learned two lessons from that experience. First, failing to recognize the importance of listening carefully can cost you a sale. Second, if I took that lesson to heart, maybe, just maybe, I could one day recapture that lost sale. Those were the lessons I never forgot from that day forward. I never made that mistake again. And yes, there was a next time. Dominic did buy from me. I did recapture that sale.
Stop Talking!
We all know people who just love to talk, talk, and talk. It gets to the point that listening to their silence becomes a very gratifying experience because it’s so rare.
Why don’t they just shut up?
Don’t they realize this is hurting their business and personal relationships?
Don’t they have a clue how annoying this is to others around them?
How can they possibly not know this when it’s so obvious to everyone else?
That’s just it. In most cases, they are not aware. They’ve been this way for so long, they don’t see things from the other person’s perspective. There are undoubtedly many medical reasons as to why some people behave or act in ways that others do not. Fortunately, talking constantly is a trait that’s easy to fix if you follow this simple advice. I call it Girard’s Success Pattern: LISTEN. THINK. SPEAK.
First you listen to what’s being said. Pay careful attention to the details of the message. Then you digest the message. Take a moment to THINK about what it means and how it impacts the outcome you’re looking for. After you’ve thought about and analyzed its meaning, you’re then in a position to evaluate it and reply with the correct response. When you reply, be precise and make sure you respond to what’s being said. Don’t rush your words. Relax and SPEAK clearly. Select your words carefully, using as few as needed to make your point, but be warm in your delivery. Remember, you’re trying to engage the prospect with trust and, yes, a little TLC—Tender Loving Care. A smile wouldn’t hurt either.
There’s an old saying: “The less you say, the more you say.” On the other hand, if you talk too much, you stand a very good chance of making the wrong statement about yourself and talking yourself right out of an opportunity. I’ll always remember what my friend, the great preacher and author Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, who wrote the bestseller The Power of Positive Thinking, said: “The less you say, the more you heard.” What he said is so true. In other words, if you’re not talking, then you must be listening. When the person you’re with notices you listening to them intently, their positive impression of you grows. Your silence “speaks” loudly to them. You’re actually saying, “The less I say to you, the more I say to you.” They know you respect them. You’re the kind of person they want to be with or do business with. And that’s the power of positive listening. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve watched salespeople make a sale and “buy it back” in five minutes because they couldn’t keep their mouths shut. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve watched some of our salesmen shoot themselves in the foot just when they had “the bride at the altar.”
I remember getting a drink of water at the fountain and overhearing a customer tell a salesman about the size of a fish he had recently caught and how proud he was of the catch. Instead of complimenting the man, the salesman responded with, “That ain’t nothin’. You should have seen the one I caught!”
When coming back from a demo ride, I noticed another customer pulling out a photo of her three-year-old girl as her eyes lit up with pride. The salesperson said, “Wanna see a picture of my kids?”
The lesson couldn’t be more simple: Nobody gives a damn about your fish or your kids—NOT AT THIS MOMENT. It’s all about HIS FISH and HER KID! Stop Talking! We all know that light travels faster than sound. This story proves why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The Need to Be Heard
We’ve been talking a lot about business situations in which listening is key to understanding what your client or prospect wants or needs. It’s not something that pertains to just selling, either. Teachers need to be tuned in to their students to help them with their education. Priests and other clergy members listen to console those in need. (Our local parish priest certainly gave me strength during my wife June’s final days.) Lawyers need to listen intently to their clients to prepare effective cases. And certainly politicians need to listen to the voice of the people they represent in order to enact effective legislation. Doctors need to listen to their patients to assist in their diagnosis. Perhaps the best example is psychiatrists. You seldom hear them talk. They’re there to listen. Period. If more people would behave like psychiatrists, they’d get a lot further ahead in life. Listen!
Listening also plays a significant role on the home front in your family life. What your spouse has to say matters. If it affects you both, you need to listen because it’s important to your future together. You don’t dominate. You share. No one’s “in charge.”
You both have an equal role to play. That’s how your love and respect for one another deepens and grows. Listen. Think. Speak. If you’re a parent, listening is critically important when it comes to your kids. They have things to tell you. They have questions. They look to you to help them learn. Be a compassionate parent. Show them the love and care they deserve. Give them your undivided attention and listen. Many a child has made a left turn early in life because they had a parent, or parents, who never listened to them. They only told them what was wrong with them and turned a deaf ear to whatever the child said. Pretty soon they begin to believe they’re not worth much. And that’s when the trouble begins. I know. I was one of those kids. My father’s indifference to me hurts to this very day. Thank God for my mother. There’s nothing more satisfying in life than knowing that the people you care about most know that as well as you do. That message is never clearer to them than when they see you listening to them with love, respect, and with your undivided attention.
The Fine Art of Good Listening
When I was invited to speak before the student body at Harvard Business School, there were several hundred people in attendance that day. I guarantee you they didn’t bring me in because they wanted to know how to sell cars and trucks! They had read about my success in several national business magazines. Word got around that I knew how to reach people and satisfy their needs. They thought I had a magic formula until I hit them with the fine art of good listening.
My message is all about people—how to reach them, and how to touch them deep down inside in their innermost secret place where all their important decisions are made. It is in that very spot that I firebrand the name Joe Girard on their hearts. From that moment on, they belong to me. I know them well because I LISTEN TO THEM! I listen to them with my entire being! That’s why when people ask me: “How did you do it, Joe?” “How did you become the world’s greatest retail salesperson?” I tell them I started by listening first. The rest is history.
So how do you go about being a good listener? Before you can become a truly good listener, you must first make an honest effort to pay attention to what is being said to you. This means blocking everything else out and focusing on the message. The biggest trap most people fall into is that when someone else is talking, they think that’s the time to prepare for what they want to say next. They’re so focused on what they’re going to say that they completely miss the message that’s being communicated right then and there. And that can have disastrous results if they’re supposed to be picking up important signals. In fact, there have been studies indicating only 50 percent of what’s said is actually “heard” (or registers). What a waste! HALF! HALF OF WHAT THIS PLANET SAYS TO ITSELF FALLS ON DEAF EARS! No wonder we have so many political and social problems in the world. One of the world’s greatest statesmen, Winston Churchill, had it right when he said, “Speech is silver and silence is golden.” Is anybody listening?
I know I’m not as well-spoken as Churchill. In fact, I have a much more plain-talking approach to the subject of listening: SHUT YOUR MOUTH if you want to learn something! If you want to be “heard,” keep quiet. In fact, when I’m in front of a group, I often walk toward them, and as I approach the edge of the stage, I grab hold of my ears. As I look down into their eyes, I slowly whisper so they hear me in a very personal way: “You can make a whole lot of money with these things.” I don’t leave that spot until I see that they “get it.” We then smile back at each other, nodding in complete agreement and understanding. They “got it.” When that communication takes place, we have officially listened to each other.
In many ways, the art of listening is similar to love. If you’ve ever noticed two people, hand in hand, strolling in a park or along the surf’s edge on a beach, and you clearly recognized they were in love with one another, then you already understand the power of putting all your senses to work when you listen. The couple is communicating about their feelings with their eyes, with their touch, with their smiles. All their senses are engaged to tell each other how special they are to one another. They are in love—yet they haven’t spoken a word. That is the art of effective communication. The art of good listening is the same way. Put all your senses to work to get in touch with what’s around you. Be open and receptive to every detail you notice. That’s how you go about being a good listener.
What are the steps to follow that will change just hearing someone’s words into listening as an art form? We’ve been talking about several of them in this chapter, but here they are—12 of them—in a convenient list for you to review and reference:
1. Keep your mouth shut so your ears can stay open.
2. Listen with all your senses. Get the whole story.
3. Listen with your eyes. Maintain eye contact. Focus on each word.
4. Listen with your body. Use body language to communicate. Sit up straight. Lean forward. Be alert.
5. Be a mirror. Smile when the other person smiles. Nod when she nods. Frown (with understanding) when she frowns.
6. Don’t interrupt. Don’t break the speaker’s train of thought or irritate her.
7. Avoid outside interruptions. Hold all phone calls when in your office with a prospect, or go somewhere where interruptions are least likely.
8. Avoid sound distractions. Turn off cell phones, radios, TVs, background music. Nothing should compete with your prospect for attention.
9. Avoid sight distractions. Don’t let an outside or inside office window view compete with you for the undivided attention of your prospect.
10. Concentrate. Pay attention to the other person at all times. Don’t yawn, look at your watch, look at your fingernails, or do anything else that could make the prospect feel uncomfortable or unimportant.
11. Listen “between the lines.” Try to hear the “fine print.” Is the person “saying” something to you, just not with words? Read her body language.
12. Don’t be an ATANA (All Talk and No Action) as I described in the Introduction to the book. Your action should be listening carefully.
Those are 12 steps for learning to listen. If you commit to following these guidelines as part of your daily plan, good listening habits will become second nature to you. In no time you’ll be well on your way to mastering the fine art of good listening—an essential ingredient of all successful people.
Listen: A Gift to Cherish
Somebody once asked the question, “If you had to lose your sense of hearing or your sense of sight, which one would you give up first?” Most people said they’d find it the least difficult if they gave up their hearing. However, research indicates that people without sight generally make the adjustment in life more effectively than their counterparts who cannot hear. There are many great stories and examples of people who cannot see who develop an “inner eye,” so to speak, and learn to “see” with great vision. Many have gone on to greatness in a variety of fields including literature, sports, and music.
While there are also some very accomplished and successful people who cannot hear, the loss of all sound can often place one in a very isolated and disconnected world of silence with greater challenges than those faced by people without sight.
Although learning good listening habits is something that can be taught, having the physical ability to be able to listen in the first place is something that cannot be acquired. That, my friend, is a gift from God and yet is something most take for granted. The next time you feel like not paying attention to what someone else is telling you, be thankful you have the tools and ability to do so.
I remember being touched very deeply some years back when I came across a young man who had an excellent singing voice. I was attending a theatrical performance of a musical in which he sang several songs before a packed house. His voice rang with resonance and feeling. It was beautiful to listen to. The audience responded with energetic applause. I noticed two people in the front row, in particular, applauding with great enthusiasm. After the show, I talked to the director of the performance, who was a friend of mine. He told me that the two people in the front row were the singer’s parents. I remarked how very proud they must have been of this special moment. He said, “It was special indeed. Both his parents were born totally deaf. Never once have they heard the God-given talent of their son, and they never will.” The director continued, “When I first learned that, I cried on the way home from one of our rehearsals.” I was quite taken aback by this. But I believe, to this day, that they were “listening” to their son. They did “hear” him because they were listening with the greatest sense of all, greater than any of our five senses—they were listening with the heart, and I believe their son knew it.
At the outset of this book, I said My 13 Rules are about more than giving you the foundation to become successful in your careers. They apply to everything you do, in your personal life as well as in your professional life. I want to help you live a more complete, healthier, happier, and successful life in every way. We’ve talked a lot about attitude and being positive, but you cannot put any of that into practical use without listening. If you don’t listen, you are not in touch with the world. You are spinning your wheels like a bus in quicksand. The weight of your ignorance will take you down every time. Unless you truly know what’s being said, you can never get on the path to success. LISTEN UP and TUNE IN! Get on firm footing by listening with all your senses—and be thankful you can.