Resolving Conflicts: Lessons from the Martial Arts

There are many ways to think about conflict resolution. The challenge for a leader is finding the right set of lenses for looking at a particular situation. One metaphor suggests that “argument is war,” and it implies that there will be a winner and a loser. This perspective works well in combat, but it is poorly suited for most organizational conflicts. People who need to work together shouldn’t think of each other as enemies.

Organizational conflicts are best resolved when opposing parties work together to find creative solutions that meet each other’s needs. Unfortunately, this constructive partnership is sometimes hard to establish and maintain. For many people—even seasoned executives—conflict can create visceral reactions that block effective problem solving.

It seems hard to believe, but I have seen leaders exhibit excessive anger, including threats of physical violence; withdrawal and disappearing acts; and inflexibility, also described as the “threat-rigidity” response. Overcoming these negative reactions to conflict isn’t easy, but it is possible. To effectively resolve conflicts, leaders must:

  Be aware of the situations that trigger these responses.

  Have effective strategies for constructively resolving differences.

  Mentally rehearse these strategies.

  Be able to see conflict situations as opportunities to use and improve their skills.

Improving conflict resolution skills can be a daunting task, and sometimes it is necessary to “break set” and get out of the usual patterns we use to think about familiar situations. Personally, I have found a helpful approach to conflict resolution in the principles of the Japanese martial art of aikido.

Although the origins of aikido are ancient, the current method was developed at the beginning of the twentieth century by renowned martial artist Morihei Ueshiba. Translated, the word aikido suggests a method for creating harmony with the spirit or energy of others. One of aikido’s unique characteristics is the ethical imperative to defend oneself without harming others.¹ Practically, those who study aikido learn to blend with the force of an attack and redirect it, rather than oppose it head-on. It’s a particularly helpful way to think about conflict in organizations that call for a win/win outcome.

Specifically, the metaphor of aikido works well in situations where finding a mutually agreeable solution is important; there is value to maintaining a positive relationship with another person, and it is worth investing the time. When these conditions exist, the aikido concepts listed here can help you achieve a positive outcome.

Aikido Principles for Conflict Resolution

1. Develop expanded awareness.

  Know yourself. Understand your own reactions to conflict—that is, what you say to yourself, what you feel, and how you behave. Be aware of your emotional triggers and when those triggers may lead you to act aggressively or inappropriately.

  Know the other person. Think about how the other person has responded to conflicts in the past, how that person is likely to respond to different approaches, and the potential for emotional triggers. Are there specific things likely to create a negative reaction, and can those traps be avoided?

  Know the situation. Is this a problem that requires a confrontation, or is it a needless power struggle similar to the McNeish mutiny described in Chapter 7? If it can be avoided without creating a Moose, it might be easier to simply step aside. This option is rarely contemplated in emotional situations, but it is a move that is often employed in aikido.

2. Cultivate balance: Stay centered and grounded.

  Maintain your space. Though you are watching out for your opponent, you’re not a doormat. Don’t allow yourself to be run over.

  Stay physically relaxed. When we deal with difficult issues, it is natural to tense up. Monitor the state of your muscles; if you find your shoulders next to your ears, relax!

  Breathe. Deep, diaphragmatic breathing is sometimes given a near mystical quality in yoga and the martial arts. But breathing deeply and slowly—several deep breaths with slow exhaling—can have remarkably positive effects.

  Use self-talk. Think of a short phrase or phrases that will help you stay balanced when dealing with emotional issues (for example, “Stay Cool,” “Don’t Take the Bait,” or “Count to Ten”).

  Use humor. The role of humor in defusing tense situations is highlighted in Chapter 8 (Find something to celebrate and something to laugh about), and it can make an important contribution to conflict resolution. The critical thing to keep in mind is that humor should be used to make a statement that is genuinely funny, not as a sarcastic weapon to be used against your opponent.

  Find the right place. Choose a relaxing or calming environment, not a public setting where your conversations can be overheard. To minimize power imbalances, consider a neutral venue where there are no territorial concerns.

  Pick the right time. Just as it is important to conduct a Moose Round-Up at an appropriate time, it is best to confront difficult problems when other stressors are minimized.

  Use tangible reminders. Before going into an emotional conflict, think about the way you want to be and how you want to present yourself. For example, you could imagine yourself to be a bamboo plant, rooted in the ground but flexible. Or you could picture someone you know (or know of) who handles conflict well and keep the image of that person in mind.

3. Blending: Merge your energy and ideas with that of the other person.

  Fully engage the conflict in a nonconfrontational way. When you meet to discuss an issue, be fully present and take a position. Give the other person something solid to deal with.

  Genuinely try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. Make sure that you understand the other person’s statements before reacting. Summarizing what you have heard before responding is a very useful technique.

  Find something about the situation you can agree on. Identifying a point of convergence, however small, creates movement.

4. Leading: Channel the energy of the conflict toward positive resolution.

  Visualize how you want the situation to end. Skip Barber, founder of a well-known race car driving school, is often quoted as saying, “You go where you look, so you’d better look where you want to go.” Aikido instructors think the same way, encouraging students to extend their ki (their inner energy) through visualization. Having a clear picture of a successful resolution is an important steering device in heated conflicts.

  When attacked, maintain your position without responding in kind. Avoid inflammatory statements that escalate the conflict. Acknowledge and move on.

  Focus on the present and the future rather than on the past. Debating who did what, and when, will only create a distraction from the task of reaching agreement.

  Provide opportunities for the attacker to change position without embarrassment. Give the individual a “golden bridge,” and avoid trying to prove that he or she is wrong.

  Search for alternatives that meet everyone’s objectives. Find the third option, or a “syncretic solution” that integrates several approaches.

  Deal with impasses by moving to another dimension of value. Create flexibility by finding something you can give on—something that is important to the other person but not too costly to you.

  Restate agreement on mutual goals. Continue to blend while directing the other person’s energy and attention toward the things that bring you together.

Closing Note

Mastering the art of conflict resolution as a leader, much like learning aikido, takes practice and repetition. Often, the best response to a challenge is not the one that is the easiest or the most natural. In fact, the most effective moves might—at least at first—be counterintuitive. And there will be setbacks. When things go wrong, I like to recall the words often attributed to Mark Twain: “Good judgment is the result of experience. Experience is the result of bad judgment.” Get some experience!