party planning with your teen

commonsense rules

Here's the Problem

Quite simply, teens love to party, anywhere, anytime. Teens are spontaneous and extremely mobile, which means that a simple tweet or text can send hordes of kids to a new party location in a matter of minutes. Parents who have “just left the building”—out for dinner with friends, for example—might return home to find a party in full swing.

Maybe you and your honey have finally found time to steal a weekend away for the first time in years, or perhaps there's a family event out of town and your kids aren't going. You have plans in place for your teens to stay with friends or family while you're away, and have said to them very clearly, “You're not allowed to come back to the house while we're away.” FAT CHANCE.

Perhaps you've given your teen permission to have a party. She says that a bunch of kids are coming to hang out, no big deal. You're happy that she wants to have friends over, and because you're one of the “responsible parents,” you feel your presence will keep the teens safe and well behaved. You have told your teen to let her friends know that there's no alcohol or drugs allowed. “I know, I know, they won't” is the reply.

You trust them, they're good kids, and you basically stay out of their way, watching TV up in your bedroom. Around 10 p.m. your doorbell rings. It's the police, who've received a call about a noise disturbance. Down the basement you go, only to find more than the “bunch” of kids you were expecting. There are 50 or 60 of them, bolting out the basement doors and into the woods behind your house, and you find evidence that a huge party had been happening right under your nose. Bottles, butts, and cans abound.

Why It's a Problem

Teens are crafty creatures. If they're motivated to make something happen, there is no stopping them. The only tactic parents have to combat this enthusiasm is to anticipate and prepare for any and all contingencies. In moments of “awesomeness,” regardless of the rules you have set or the expectations you have shared with your teens, they are vulnerable to their own impulsivity and to the pressures from their friends. Saying things like, “You better not” or “You're not allowed; you know our rules” are not helpful to teens in the moment of decision. What they need is a strategy.

Here's the Solution

If your teen is hosting a party at your home:

• Your teen must provide you with an approximate number of kids coming over, not to exceed 20, unless you honestly can handle more and keep them safe. A list of the names of the kids would help. This guards against kids who just show up having read a text or Twitter post about a party at your house.
• All teens enter and leave through the front door, and leave jackets, backpacks, water bottles, and any other suspicious containers in your entry hall. This guards against kids bringing booze or drugs into your home in an obvious way. They'll still try to sneak it in; there's only so much you can do. This means if you have basement doors or back doors, you have to be vigilant, walking around the house periodically to make sure kids aren't coming in or going out without your knowledge.
• Any teen found with alcohol or pot will have the parents called for pickup.
• If pervasive drinking occurs, the party is terminated and parents are called.
• If the party is in the basement, make timely walks around the house to make sure kids aren't drinking in the yard or bringing booze into the basement.
• Teens who leave the party cannot return. (Kids like to take “walks” to get high and then return to the house.)
• Before the party starts, “walk the perimeter” of your property. Teens will often stash their booze in bushes around the party house during the day while parents are out on errands and bring it in the basement door in the evening.
• Be a presence during the evening. Going up to your room is a no-no. Pleading ignorance when something bad happens is not an excuse.

If you are going away for a weekend/vacation without your teens:

• Call your local police and advise them of your plan. Let them know you have teens who are staying with friends/family and that they know that they're not allowed back to the house, but just in case you would like them to patrol your house regularly.
• Make sure that whoever is taking charge of your teens understands that you have told them they're not allowed back to the house unsupervised. If they forgot something like clothes or homework materials, they will need to be accompanied back to the house by an adult.
• Tell your teens that for their own safety they're not allowed back to the house without an adult. Let them know you've called the local police and they will be patrolling regularly. You might say, “I get that some of your friends will be psyched we're out of town and are hoping for a great place to party. Now you can tell them that your dumb parents have called the cops, and they're going to be all over the place. I hope this will help you get out of a tough situation.”

If you're going out for the evening:

You have to trust your own gut here. If you have teens who have a few close friends, are not the partying kind, have shown little interest in partying, and are happy at home with a good video game, a friend, and some popcorn, I think you can safely go on your way, leaving them alone. If you have very social, friend-loving, partygoing teens:

• They should know that there are no friends over while you're out. You might say, “I get your friends are always looking for places to party. You can't have friends over if we aren't home. If you just feel like hanging by yourselves tonight, that's great, but what's your plan if a friend says, ‘Hey, we'll come to your house, your parents aren't home.’?”
• Early in the day, let your teens know your plan and your time of departure. If they don't have a plan for their evening before you leave, then you should drop them off at a friend's on your way.

If your teen is going out for a night with friends and there might be drinking or drugs, you need to help with scripts and strategies to help your teen get out of situations that are potentially unsafe.

• If your teen doesn't want to get into a car with someone who has been drinking: “Thanks, I don't need a ride. I'm going with someone else.”
• If a friend has been drinking and wants to drive: Get a few friends together and grab the keys from the kid who shouldn't be driving. Text the parent in the house that you need some help.
• For unwanted sexual advances from someone who's been drinking: “My boyfriend wouldn't want me to fool around with anyone else.”
• When your teen is at a party but doesn't want to drink: “I'm allergic to alcohol and it makes me sick.” “I feel like crap. I'm going home.” “My parents drug- and alcohol-test me.” “I'm in training, and my coach would kill me.” “I'm on this medication, and it's really bad to drink while you're taking it.”

Make an “escape plan” for when your teen is in a situation that makes him feel unsafe. Have a code word he can text. When you get that text, you'll have a plan that automatically kicks in, like picking him up around the corner from where he is.

When that unsafe situation arises, the teen should go to the bathroom—for a long time—and text you the code word.

Just when you are relishing the freedom from having to pay for a babysitter, you find yourself taking on that role yourself, as house sitter. It doesn't last forever, and keeping your teen safe and your house safe is worth the peace of mind. My advice: Have a lot of dinner parties and be the go-to party house for your friends. At least then you get to have as good a social life as your teen!