Chapter 6
What to Do If You’re the Complainer
Choose Another Route
Whiners Complicators Prima Donnas Controllers Toxics CombinationSpot Yourself Complaining
Reading through this book you may realize, “I don’t have a Complainer . . . I am the Complainer.” Sometimes people see themselves when they start looking specifically at Complainers and their impact in the workplace. Maybe someone gave this book to you and asked you to read this chapter. Could you be the problem at work? If you’re a Complainer, you’re putting a lot of energy and attention into addressing problems—you’re just heading the wrong way.
Are You a Complainer?
Complainers use a variety of complaining styles to cope with issues and problems. Take a look at your behavior and see if any of these traits are familiar. If you feel you complain too often, you may:
- vent while people leave the room or ignore you.
- whine, gripe, or even withdraw to get attention.
- complicate matters, nitpick others’ ideas, or frustrate people in meetings.
- gossip about coworkers or increase stress by over-reacting.
- explode or intimidate others.
- not be trusted by others or not given confidential information.
Reaction.
You may have received feedback that you are complaining or not interacting professionally. Have you been excluded from a meeting, a project, a key assignment, or even a team outing? Ever catch yourself interrupting others, talking negatively about coworkers, or feeling happy when someone else makes a mistake? Have you lost your temper, felt frustrated with coworkers, or withdrawn from conversations? Maybe you feel helpless or that others are blocking you from completing important work?
If you think you are complaining too much, which behavior sounds like yours? Are you using an aggressive approach to get things done or be noticed? Are you more passive in order to be connected or receive empathy? Are you using passive-aggressive behavior in an attempt to control an environment or shake things up? Or do you find yourself combining several of the complaining types?
Reality.
There are many reasons you’re complaining. Take note, because this behavior is damaging to your professional reputation. Why are you complaining? Are you overworked? Do you feel like you don’t have control over your outcomes? Are you experiencing health problems or family demands that are creating stress?
You could have a coping strategy that worked for you when you were growing up, but no longer serves you as a working adult. Do you have any limiting beliefs or self-defeating behaviors that are holding you back? You might have unresolved issues from your past that are surfacing and sabotaging you now. Did you even know you were complaining or that you were doing it so much? Often, your worst critic is living in your head. Do you consider yourself worthy of success? Are you putting unreasonable expectations on yourself? Maybe you are in a job that is not your passion, your work doesn’t match your skills, you need more training, or leaders aren’t giving you direction and feedback. There are better ways to get things done than complaining.
Which Complaining Behaviors Am I Using?
When you are under stress, which complaining behavior best describes you and the need you are trying to meet?
- Whiner: Do I feel better when others understand my problems?
- Complicator: Do I dislike change or when things are not stable?
- Prima Donna: Am I complaining so that others will notice all the work I’m doing?
- Controller: Am I trying to gain control of chaotic situations because this work needs to get done?
- Toxic: Do I stir the pot or shake people up a little so that I can further my own agenda?
Under stress, most of us exhibit these types of complaining behaviors and sometimes more than one. Surprisingly, some people say they don’t complain at all and won’t tolerate Complainers.
According to the survey, the top reasons people complain at work are: unclear direction, lack of feedback from leadership, incompetent coworkers or boss, unrealistic demands from others, and too much work.
What Are They Complaining About?
Note: Other included “I don’t complain,” “Unethical business dealings and unprofessional behavior,” “financial pressures,” “duplication of efforts,” and “I’m pleading the Fifth.”
Spot Yourself Complaining
Actions that Don’t Work:
- Complaining with no action. Stop ignoring the issue, blaming others, or continually venting and creating stress. The more you gripe about problems, the larger they grow (at least in your mind) and the more people you repel in the process.
- Repeating the same actions. Don’t use broken strategies. For example, relying on others for an emotional “fix” cripples your future success.
- Continuing to chastise. Beating yourself up is unproductive, adds additional stress, and doesn’t improve your behavior.
The best way to negotiate with your complaining behavior is to identify the issue, understand strengths, and be proactive.
- Identify the issue. Admit you have a problem and that your current strategies aren’t working. Ask a professional for objective feedback and an understanding of the reasons you act the way you do. Depending on the issue, contact an executive coach, a mentor, a counselor, or a psychiatric or medical professional.
- Understand strengths. Take an assessment and learn your talents and the value you bring. Explore self-development to learn the skills and techniques you need to take those strengths to the next level. Pursue assertiveness training, learn influence techniques, attend a communication program, and/or invest in stress management.
- Be proactive. Focus on the right things. Adopt a problem-solving, assertive, and proactive manner. Form supportive relationships, construct appropriate personal boundaries, and practice positive complaining and diplomacy. Instead of focusing on what your problem is, work on solving it. Talk positively and encouragingly to yourself. Give yourself permission to fail and make adjustments. Contributors focus on the future, problem solving, and others. Complainers dwell on the past, their fears, and themselves.
Stop Your Complaining
Explore your reasons for complaining to curb your appetite for the wrong type of attention. Before you address the work drama you create, ask yourself these questions:
Complaining begets more of the same. I have seen careers killed because of a person’s complaining. Saddest thing is when they don’t even realize it.The following sections provide examples of people using complaining as a way to meet their needs. See if you can spot any similar complaining you want to stop.
How to Stop Complaining Like a Whiner
Whiners complain to form relationships and receive empathy. They vent, withdraw, and want others to solve their problems.
Are You Complaining Like a Whiner?
- complain about how things aren’t fair.
- play the victim and are powerless.
- always seem to have something wrong in their lives.
- are always upset about something or someone.
- never bring any solutions, only problems.
If you complain like a Whiner, you moan and groan. You vent, gripe, and become frustrated with yourself and others. You pout, sulk, and withdraw. You feel overwhelmed and don’t see a way out. You’ll focus on the problem and the past instead of the future and solutions. Feeling sorry for yourself and dwelling on the past doesn’t help. Asking others to create solutions that you have to put in place and live with doesn’t make sense either. Instead, identify the issue, understand strengths, and be proactive.
Sad Sandy
Despite years of experience and performing many of the functions of the role, Sandy didn’t apply for the new opening in management. When she got notice that a coworker, Andrew, got the job, she called a friend and said:
“Andrew is the new manager. Really?! I should have applied for that position. I just couldn’t imagine leading people who were my peers. But Andrew?! He has no experience, no time with the company, nothing that I don’t have . . .”
Sandy is angry and disappointed with herself. She talked herself out of applying for a job. She held herself back, and a less-qualified candidate was selected. Sandy is right. Andrew has nothing in his background that would have given him the edge over Sandy for the new job—with the exception that he actually applied. Can you relate to Sandy? Do you complain like a Whiner?
To turn a situation like this around, you need to identify the issue. In Sandy’s case, she needs to determine why she chose not to apply rather than focusing on who got the position. Does this sound familiar? Have you ever been afraid of rejection? Do you worry about failing at the job or not living up to expectations? Could you lack self-confidence? If so, the answer is to get a better understanding of your strengths and the value you bring to the company. Do you need training or coaching to feel comfortable in communication, leadership, or risk taking? Be proactive. How could you approach your leader and/or human resources to let them know that you want to apply for the next leadership position or growth opportunity?
My fear of the unknown and lack of goals makes me a Complainer.Instead of Whining, question yourself with, “Wow. I wonder why I’m getting so emotional. This must be really important to me. I need to calm down before I act.”
Break through complaining like a Whiner by reminding yourself, “This is not life or death. If I whine, people won’t want to be around me or help me.” When a future opportunity comes your way, tell yourself, “Why not me? What have I got to lose?”
How to Stop Complaining Like a Complicator
Complicators complain to avoid change and maintain stability. They frustrate, complicate, and create confusion.
Are You Complaining Like a Complicator?
- delay and put up roadblocks if something new is offered.
- nitpick and criticize others’ work.
- bring up past failures and mistakes.
- protect systems and information.
- use knowledge and details to confuse and complicate matters.
When you complain like a Complicator, you criticize, obstruct, nitpick, confuse, and impede others. Complicators are good with a lot of information and details, but change disrupts their version of certainty, order, and stability. If you are a Complicator, you complain to block disruptions to structure, to maintain predictability, and to avoid feeling vulnerable or incompetent. Complaints are not going to block a change long-term. If you create too much of an interruption or confusion, you will be left out of important decisions and left to manage the change without input. Instead, identify the issue, understand strengths, and be proactive.
Change Artist Charles
Charles has the highest accuracy rate for the retail company in balancing accounts and predicting future spending. He takes large amounts of data and creates formulas to forecast trends and the direction the business is heading. Charles was told he needs to handle Trevor’s job while Trevor takes a vacation. It’s a standard practice for employees to cover for one another when they take any type of leave.
Trevor’s job has more direct involvement with store managers. Managers call in data and discuss problems as they occur. Charles gripes about handling Trevor’s job to anyone who will listen, including his family, friends, coworkers, and members of different teams. Charles’s gripes include:
“This is wrong. I’m going to have to take over all of Trevor’s responsibilities for two weeks. Trevor’s job has all these interruptions from the managers during the day. The stores close later, so I have to stay later four nights a week to answer their questions. What’s going to happen to my accuracy rate when I’m off doing someone else’s work?”
Charles’s anxiety is obvious. He is out of his comfort level and not using his strengths around numbers and systems. Also, he doesn’t want to risk his accuracy to handle the interruptions in Trevor’s position. Can you relate to Charles? Do you complain like a Complicator?
To turn a situation like this around, you need to identify the issue, understand strengths, and be proactive. To be proactive in Charles’s case, he could look for changes or upgrades to make to Trevor’s system while Trevor is gone.
There is always someone complaining about something. Sometimes I’m one of them.Like Charles, take a deep breath and remind yourself that feeling uncomfortable is a temporary situation. Seek out opportunities to contribute by improving or upgrading instead of complicating. Break through complaining like a Complicator by reminding yourself, “Change is inevitable. I’d rather be involved in creating a solution or upgrading the system than have no input.”
How to Stop Complaining Like a Prima Donna
Prima Donnas complain to seek attention. They pass along stories they’ve heard, create drama, and stir up trouble.
Are You Complaining Like a Prima Donna?
- always strive for the spotlight, to the exclusion of others.
- are quick to take credit, even for others’ work.
- act superior and take no blame for mistakes.
- are expressive and dramatic in demeanor.
- spread gossip or negative information about others.
If you complain like Prima Donnas, you interrupt, ignore your job, seek self-serving attention, and make inappropriate remarks. You disrupt and create scenes. Prima Donnas want to be seen and heard. You create opportunities, even negative ones, to interact with others. Goofing off, avoiding duties, or getting negative attention are sure ways to get yourself reprimanded or fired. Instead, identify the issue, understand strengths, and be proactive.
Mind-numbing Math Mike
Mike’s promotion isn’t working. It took him away from his “fun” job in the bank: dealing with the customers. He procrastinates on his reports because they are monotonous and don’t matter. Instead, he fills his time by calling his friends and chatting on online communities. Mike often leaves his office to visit the front lobby just to interact with people instead of his computer screen. Yesterday, he took a two and a half hour lunch with some old college buddies. When he returned, he talked so loudly on his cell phone that everyone, including bank customers, looked at him. Today, he was gossiping to a loan officer about not being paid what he was worth.
“The numbers are starting to blur. I hate the monthly reconciliation report and all the stupid documentation. We turn in the numbers. They send more numbers back. Nothing changes, and no one recognizes my hard work. It’s confusing and so exacting. It’s a horrible job. If someone offers you a promotion around here, don’t take it. Since when did a promotion translate into boredom, no people, and no fun?”
Mike’s promotion isn’t a fit for him. He has recognized that someone who is great with people may not be the best fit for a job analyzing numbers. No amount of training or coaching is going to fix the fact that he’s not using his strength: working with customers. Even though he likes the idea of a promotion, Mike needs to interact with people. Connecting is his strength. Mike knows he needs to act quickly before his poor performance makes it impossible for him to transfer and even cost him his job. Can you relate to Mike? Do you complain like a Prima Donna?
To turn a situation like this around, you need to identify the issue, understand your strengths, and be proactive. In Mike’s case, he will want to talk to his boss and see if there are other opportunities to interact with people, including returning to his old job.
We, alone, are responsible for our actions and feelings. No one can make us feel bad if we don’t let them.Instead of acting like a Prima Donna, remember your strength is connecting and communicating. Break through complaining like a Prima Donna by reminding yourself, “If I gossip, interrupt others, or draw inappropriate attention to myself, people won’t see how hard I work. I want positive, not negative, recognition.”
How to Stop Complaining Like a Controller
Controllers use aggressive complaining in an attempt to reach an outcome, to control situations, and to control people.
Are You Complaining Like a Controller?
- bulldoze, bully, or intimidate others.
- want to be in charge, even if not the leader.
- are avoided by others for fear of confrontation.
- interrogate and use questions to show dominance.
- enjoy making others squirm and feel uncomfortable.
When you complain like a Controller, you may use an angry tone, throw things, or be abrupt, demanding, and loud. Controllers like to get things done. You don’t want delays, to work with people you don’t value, or to waste time. Don’t intimidate others or create fear. Instead, identify the issue, understand strengths, and be proactive.
Fed Up Fred
Fred threw his computer case into his backseat, screamed an obscenity, and slammed the door so hard the car shook. He called his girlfriend and unloaded his complaints:
“I can’t believe it takes this much time for those idiots to make up their minds. No one can make a decision around here without running it by the finance department for approval. However, no one in finance will respond to e-mails or phone calls.
“I finally got one of the assistants on the phone and demanded an answer out of her. I told her to just let me know if we have the budget to proceed or not. She said she’d call me back. Well, she never did. Instead, someone who works on her floor said she was crying after she spoke to me. Crying?! Can you believe it? We’re supposed to be adults.
“Then, as I was giving my status update to my boss, he told me that my project is now a low priority. After I’ve spent so much time on this project, it’s now a low priority?! Are you kidding me? I’m sick of doing these useless fire drills. Let’s get something done that actually matters and stop wasting my time and the company’s money.”
Fred is frustrated. He is facing bottlenecks in obtaining approval and working on projects that are not priorities. He can’t get things done, so he demands and yells at people at work and at his girlfriend. Fred’s strengths are his dedication and willingness to put in extra effort to get things accomplished. However, his drive and need to get things done have him crushing others in the process. Can you relate to Fred? Do you complain like a Controller?
To turn around a situation like Fred’s, you need to identify the issue. Fred needs to determine whether it is lack of direction, working on low priorities, the inability to get approvals when he needs them, or just the constant change of concerns in business. Have you ever felt like you were running in molasses and couldn’t get anything done? Do you ever feel like people are more of a hindrance than a help? Are people getting in the way of accomplishing work? Do you ever get impatient or lose your temper? First, you need to understand the issue that is creating that stress.
Tasks are taking longer than I anticipated, so I have crammed an unrealistic amount of work into a limited amount of time.Like Fred, the answer is to understand your strengths. Do you make decisions well and prioritize effectively? When you aren’t mowing people over, are you good at motivating them? Be proactive. Instead of attempting to do it all alone, reach out. For instance, discuss a time issue or direction with your boss. When you ask for help, prepare for those conversations with specific examples, the areas where you are getting “stuck,” and the ideas you’ve generated to address the issue. Then, be willing to listen to others’ suggestions and feedback.
Break through complaining like a Controller by reminding yourself, “I’ve got to back off and cool down. If I run over people in the process, I’ll never get anything done. Leading people to help me make decisions will help them buy into solutions.”
How to Stop Complaining Like a Toxic
Toxics complain and use misinformation to manipulate the environment to further their own agendas.
Are You Complaining Like a Toxic?
- be deceitful, deceptive, and charming.
- twist information and present it in a fraudulent manner.
- manipulate and enjoy turmoil, drama, and chaos.
- exploit and corrupt work teams.
- be passive-aggressive and have little to no empathy for others.
When you complain like a Toxic, it appears that you thrive on chaos and know how to use charm to mislead others. Toxics can complain and use misinformation to manipulate the environment and further an agenda that appears to be based on their self-interests only. Is this true for you? Do you have the ability to manipulate others, twist information, or lie? If so, this is not a good long-term strategy, and you will be discovered. Instead, identify the issue, understand strengths, and be proactive.
Problematic Pablo
Pablo works as the business development officer for a trade association. He is successful in attracting major sponsors for trade shows. Those who work with him know that Pablo is unpredictable—friendly one moment and then a bully the next. Pablo had a “motivation” idea while watching a reality survival show. He was impressed at how easily some of the contestants could get others to squirm and comply with crazy requests.
Pablo thought his idea would be a good motivator for the office and shake things up a bit. As an experiment, he would pit two employees against each other in a competition to determine which one could “win” a job for another year. Pablo called Brynn and Brooke, his two assistants, into his office. “I’m not happy with either of your performances right now, and you’re embarrassing me in front of our leadership,” Pablo complained. “The board is looking at the possibility of staff reductions, and it’s likely that only one of you will be funded at the end of the year. Let’s see who can do the best job and not let me down. May the best woman win.”
Brynn and Brooke left the office confused. Earlier in the month, Pablo had said they were the best employees he’d had in their roles. Also, they questioned whether this was in fact a board decision, because the board doesn’t meet again until later in the quarter.
Pablo is creating problems and putting people into emotional chaos. Whether the issue is boredom, lack of work challenges, or a need to control, he should identify why he is creating the turmoil. The confusion Pablo creates will not help him meet the trade association goals. If Brynn or Brooke begins asking questions of the board about his statements or if they leave to work elsewhere, his experiment may backfire and create issues for him. Can you relate to Pablo? Do you complain like a Toxic?
To turn situations like Pablo’s around, you need to identify the issue. Have you ever played devil’s advocate, stirred the pot a little, or manipulated a situation to see how people would react? Can you imagine creating a little turmoil to see the result? The answer to stopping Toxic behavior is to understand your strengths and use them to contribute to the organization instead of damaging the entity that provides your paycheck. For instance, Pablo’s strengths are creativity and an ability to sell.
Once you know the issue and understand your strengths, choose to be proactive. In Pablo’s situation, he could encourage Brynn and Brooke to help him in sales rather than frighten them with job loss. Encouraging them to help make more money is in the best interests of the association, Brynn and Brooke, and, of course, Pablo. In addition, developing ways to increase sales uses Pablo’s creativity. What strengths do you have that would allow you to be proactive, yet retain creative control?
She was like a passive-aggressive, schoolyard bully. She played mind games and used other types of intimidation and disrespect to get her way.Break through complaining like a Toxic by reminding yourself, “I can’t burn my bridges because I don’t know whose help I’ll need in the future. If people don’t trust me, they won’t include me, do the work I need done, or put me in new roles. If I encourage others and am consistent, I’ll get more of what I want.”
Why Are You Complaining?
Complaints work. However, they don’t work forever. Chronic complaining just isn’t a long-term business strategy for success. If you determine what drives your behavior, you can find an effective alternative. What are your reasons for complaining? Perhaps you don’t know how to assertively ask for what you want. Maybe you are self-sabotaging or blocking your progress because of “baggage” or past experiences. You could have low self-confidence or lack of support or direction. Perhaps your environment is depressing, or the office politics are oppressive. Poor time management, lack of priorities, and lack of direction create stress. If you’re not working in a job that plays to your strengths, you’re not alone.
Complaining is a way of satisfying unmet needs and expressing stress. Complaining also can serve as a warning that others are experiencing work drama. Psychologist Dr. Sherry Buffington states that people complain to be valued, heard, and appreciated. Buffington says, “All actions and inactions occur in an effort to meet our deepest human need: the need to be valued, either in our own perception or in the perception of another. The most powerful management tool on Earth is the ability to see and understand the need that drives the behavior and to help the individual get that pressing need met.”
According to Buffington, people fall into two camps. There are the more logical, thinking communicators who complain to increase their control, produce results, or maintain stability, and there are the more relational, feeling communicators who complain to obtain connection, reassurance, and appreciation.
Wow. I complain a lot and can equally tick many boxes in this survey, sorry.The irony is that the act of complaining often produces the opposite effect of the results both types of Complainers seek. The logical, thinking Complainers create chaos or are left out of decisions instead of receiving the control or certainty they want. And the relational, feeling Complainers are avoided and ridiculed instead of obtaining empathy or recognition.
Complainers aren’t popular among coworkers or leaders. Peers resent doing good work while Complainers slack off or delay results. Leaders are judged on their poor performance. The negativity Complainers create actually causes people to quit jobs they like.
Good Business Reasons to Curtail Your Complaining
Complaining is not an effective way to express yourself as a professional. No matter what type of complaining you use, from whining or griping to withdrawing or exploding, complaining limits your career opportunities. In addition, your abilities to function, think, and produce good results are negatively affected by complaining.
An expert in transition and integration, Ginger Shelhimer, LPC, SPHR, advises that Complainers limit their opportunities for growth, promotion, and even continued employment. Shelhimer states that when inevitable change occurs in organizations and choices have to be made about which employees to retain, those employees who solve problems and bring forward solutions are always more highly valued and are the focus of retention efforts rather than those who tend to complain about problems.
Good News and Breakthroughs
The good news is that you are not alone. Enlightened Complainers often choose to stop. Their breakthroughs occur for a variety of reasons. Many former Complainers report someone pointed out their complaining. Others say they discovered their natural strengths or style through an assessment, a coach, or a training program. When these “rehabilitated” Complainers began developing their talents, they knew what type of work was suitable, where they performed well, and what activities to avoid. They also learned others’ motivators and communication styles, which enabled them to interact more effectively. The need for complaining went away when their uncertainty and stress were alleviated and they saw a proactive way to contribute.
- If I could communicate in a way that people heard me and helped me achieve my goals, what would be possible for me in my career, in my relationships, and at home and work?
- How could I show up powerfully and assertively while still being diplomatic?
- What would the most influential person I know do in this situation?
- What would be the best next step to propel me forward personally and professionally?
- What unique strengths, gifts, and talents can I contribute and develop?
Other reformed Complainers decided as a department or group to stop complaining. Breakthroughs often occur when management recognizes and resolves environmental issues or corrects Energy Drains that are the source of complaints. Occasionally, Complainers are promoted or transferred to jobs that require managing other Complainers. These former Complainers say that being in a customer-facing role or serving as a supervisor requires adopting a more positive attitude.
When you learn to communicate more effectively, people gravitate to you, connect with you, let down their guard, and listen to your requests.
Travel Tips to Stop Your Complaining Reactions. If you appear as a Whiner, Complicator, Prima Donna, Controller, Toxic, or a combination of several of these types, you might be a chronic Complainer. It doesn’t work to complain with no solutions, to repeat ineffective actions, or to chastise yourself. To stop complaining and start contributing, remember to identify the issue, understand your strengths, and be proactive.