Distinguishing between Content and Relationship Levels

Effective communication is understood as communication that leads to a specific goal. This includes not only the acquisition or employee interview, but also small talk, which usually aims to establish a relationship between the interlocutors. In communication psychology, a distinction is made between the content or subject level and the relationship level (see Figure 15.2).

On the content level or subject level, “objectively” verifiable facts of rational content such as dates, length of employment, etc., are communicated. On the content level, the emotional interplay of the communication partners – in contrast to the relationship level – is left out. In psychology, the relationship level is the quality of interpersonal cooperation in the sense of intuitive, emotional, and social inner connectedness that helps people feel connected outside of the content level. First of all, it is important to recognize that communication takes place on both a content and a relationship level. By far the greater proportion in communication occurs unconsciously at the relationship level. Those who believe that they are communicating exclusively verbally fail to realize that the person they are talking to also perceives body language, including the voice, both consciously and unconsciously. The saying goes, “It's not what you say, but how you say it.”

Someone who has an image of humanity that is characterized by respect, tolerance, and acceptance will approach their interlocutor differently than someone who feels superior to them. Arrogance kills any communication. Those who believe that the listener does not perceive whether respect is being shown to them are mistaken. People who want to gain trust should be authentic. Authentic people are truthful and honest. They are who they are. It doesn't matter whether they are in a meeting with a client, giving a presentation, in an appraisal or job interview, or in their private lives.

An important principle of effective communication in conversation is goal or result orientation rather than problem orientation. The right questions help to prepare focused conversations. Anyone who answers the following questions in writing before an interview with (potential) clients or (potential) employees will have made a significant contribution to effective and efficient conversation.

1. Determine the objective
   • What do I want to achieve?
   • Why am I going there?
2. Know the listener and their expectations (analysis)
   • What does my conversation partner want to achieve and what are their goals?
   • What do we have in common?
   • Where do we differ?
3. Determine the right approach (solutions)
   • What am I talking about?
   • What is the best statement to achieve my goal?
   • Possible objections of my conversation partner?
   • Possible answers to my conversation partner's objections?
4. Finding a hook to open the conversation
   • How can I open the conversation?
   • What are the common interests?
5. Call to action
   • What needs to be initiated by whom and by when?
   • What are the next steps?

At the end of a conversation, the main results should be summarized, in business in writing, if possible.

Empathy as the Key to Success

Even Henry Ford said, “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own.” Communication psychologists today would refer to this as a person's ability to be empathic. Empathy is the term used to describe a person's ability to grasp another person from the outside as holistically as possible, to understand their feelings but without necessarily sharing them, and thus to be clear about their understanding and actions (cf. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Empathy). One could also formulate it colloquially: Understanding the world of the other! Empathy is the key to success. If you can establish a relationship with your interlocutor, you will win the other person's sympathy. This also means taking an honest interest in the other person. Empathy is a central characteristic of people who can create a so‐called win‐win situation during a conversation.

Creating a Win‐Win Situation

The core element of a win‐win conversation strategy is addressing the interests of the other person. The result of this is that the partners conduct a discussion on the factual level and do not get caught up in their fears and anxieties or mutual slights and recriminations. Points must be found, which are to the advantage of both discussion partners. Those who are only concerned with asserting their own interests, who only see their own advantages, should not be surprised if no agreement is found at the end of a conversation. A central element of a successful win‐win strategy is being able to create a “we” feeling. In the end, both parties must find themselves in the points that have been agreed upon.

Positive Language and Constructive Criticism

Who doesn't know people who see everything negatively? The corners of the mouths of these contemporaries are usually turned down. Smiling and laughing are often foreign to these people. The most prominent characteristic of these people is criticism. Not positive or constructive criticism, but negative criticism. This negative mindset shows itself in negative language. Negative language does not lead to effective communication. Positive language is an important principle for effective communication. Criticism should be constructive and forward‐looking. Many people can spend hours discussing mistakes or negative events in the past. However, it is crucial to remember that mistakes or negative events in the past are clues for improvement in the future. A person who has made a mistake does not want to have this mistake pointed out to them constantly by their interlocutor. They know that they have done something wrong. Constructive criticism is therefore expressed by the interlocutors talking about how mistakes can be avoided in the future and what exactly needs to be done to achieve the desired result in the future. But what distinguishes exceptionally good communicators who have successes in conversations?

Practice Active Listening

You are particularly good at listening! Listening is the central task and characteristic of a professional who can communicate exceptionally well with others. Those who do not listen will hardly be able to find out the interests of the other person. Those who listen carefully will find the “win points” of the interlocutor, which are so important for the success of the conversation. But how can you learn to become a better listener? By practicing what is known as “active listening” during a conversation. A person who listens actively is able to reproduce what the conversation partner has said in their own words. If you then ask your conversation partner whether they have understood you correctly and wait for a positive confirmation, you can be sure that the other person feels understood.

Five Steps to Effective Communication

Some important characteristics and tasks of effective communicators have already been presented. The five steps shown in Figure 15.3 serve as a guideline for professionals who want to communicate particularly effectively and efficiently.

• Step 1. In the first step, you must establish a relationship with the respective interlocutor. This assumes that the other person finds you at least likeable enough to listen to you. People with charm have an easier time of it than conversation grumps. Smiling connects. Basically, this phase is about finding the right rapport with the other person. Colloquially, people often say that if they get along particularly well with their conversation partner, they are on the same wavelength. In the course of a conversation, people who are in resonance take on the posture, gestures, and facial expressions, and sometimes also the breathing, the pitch, and the tone of voice of the person they are talking to. This usually happens unconsciously. Anyone who has ever observed a couple newly in love in public will very quickly notice that these couples often adopt an identical posture. In the jargon of Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP), this phenomenon is called “pacing” (mirroring) in the context of “rapport.” When people come into contact with each other, their verbal and nonverbal communication usually adjusts to each other unconsciously. The more positively the individual evaluates the contact, the stronger is their adaptation to the other. To establish rapport, one can empathetically and respectfully adapt to the body language of the other, in other words, mirror their body language.

  

• Step 2. Who asks, leads. The right questions are crucial to the success of the conversation. There are many distinct categories of questions, which will be discussed in more detail in a moment. Against the background of Steps 3 and 4, the questions should be formulated in such a way that you can clearly and unambiguously state the goals of your discussion partner and identify the decisive win points of your counterpart. So‐called open questions, which cannot be answered with a simple yes or no, help here. It takes several sentences to answer an open question. The following are open questions that can be decisive for negotiation success, for example:
  • What exactly has to be in place for you to agree to this agreement or item? Or:
  • Under what conditions do you agree?

  If you now listen carefully and really know all the points that lead to the agreement of your discussion partner, then it is only a matter of checking whether you can or want to fulfill these points. If so, you have achieved the goal of the conversation.

• Step 3. You need to know the goals of your conversation partner in order to find the crucial win‐win points in Step 4. Only if you know exactly what your conversation partner wants, can you prepare a win‐win conversation strategy. However, the interlocutor does not always disclose the true goals of the conversation. Often people say one thing but mean something completely different. Sometimes people don't even know exactly what they want. Here you can see how important Step 2 is for the success of the conversation. Only those who ask have a chance to explore the other person's goals.
• Step 4. Negotiations consist of compromises. If you stubbornly insist on your point of view, you should not be surprised if the other person blocks you. Effective communication is then no longer possible. The moment each party is satisfied with the agreed result, i.e., when the points that are decisive for the respective party can be realized, an agreement is reached. This is what is known as a win‐win situation.
• Step 5. At least in business, written documentation of the agreement reached between the contracting parties is usually required. This means that the agreed results must be translated into a contract. But also, in employee meetings or in the context of projects, what has been agreed should lead to (follow‐up) activities. An effective and successful discussion can be recognized by the fact that a follow‐up activity is agreed upon. A conversation that does not lead to an action was not successful. This is because nothing follows from the conversation.

Those who communicate effectively and efficiently use figurative language and get to the point. This includes simple, clear, understandable, and concise language. Anyone who thinks in a complicated way usually also expresses himself in a complicated way. If you use a lot of foreign words and technical terms in conversations that your interlocutor doesn't know, you shouldn't be surprised if you are not understood. So, if you want to be understood, you should speak the language of your conversation partner. And this does not only apply to conversations abroad.

Quick‐Wittedness in Critical Conversational Situations

Most of us have had situations in our professional or private lives where a quick‐witted answer was not immediately obvious and then, in retrospect, we suddenly think of the sentences and questions we should have said. Training to improve conversational skills also includes training to increase repartee. Quick‐wittedness helps to bring critical conversation situations or negotiations to a successful conclusion. Matthias Pöhm focused on the topic of repartee as a rhetoric trainer in the 1990s. In his book, “Das NonPlusUltra der Schlagfertigkeit: Die besten Techniken aller Zeiten” (The NonPlusUltra of repartee: The best techniques of all time), he distinguishes between three areas of repartee:

• Reply
• Wit and
• Discussion

In the reply skill, a verbal attack is followed by a hidden counterattack. We make witty remarks about statements or in situations. When a person succeeds in selling themselves confidently in a negotiation, meeting, or discussion, we also perceive that person as quick‐witted and Pöhm calls this discussion skill. This is the most important type of repartee for professionals. In his book, Pöhm shows a variety of techniques that help a professional become more quick‐witted and successful in conversation with others, both in their professional and personal lives. First, he sets up four simple rules of repartee, equating repartee with aplomb:

• Rule 1: Repeat the name of the interlocutor or attacker: You reinforce a response if you repeat the name of the attacker again. This comes across as confident.
• Rule 2: Look your counterpart in the eye with a steady gaze. A steady, confident gaze alone makes you look like a winner nonverbally. After you have answered the question, you stop looking at the aggressor. You are effectively cutting him off nonverbally.
• Rule 3: Hold yourself upright. Straighten up “tree trunk‐like.”
• Rule 4: Speak loudly. If you speak your mind out loud, you come across as self‐confident and confident.

In order for your answer to appear confident, you should speak loudly, hold yourself upright, look intensively at your counterpart, and immediately pull your gaze away after your answer. However, this only applies to conversational situations in which you are replying to attacks and several other participants in the conversation are present.

Much more frequently, however, there are individual conversational situations for professionals vis‐à‐vis clients and employees in which you want to convince the other person for a certain cause. This can be acquisition talks with clients and employees or talks where you want to inspire and convince a client or employee for something else. In the following, I have transferred selected techniques from Matthias Pöhm to typical conversation situations of professionals, which you can use for a successful and quick‐witted conversation. Figure 15.4 shows an overview of possible techniques:

These techniques are intended to contribute to effective communication, where effective is synonymous with successful in the sense of results‐oriented conversation. Training to improve conversational skills is not only important in everyday professional life. Think of the many conversational situations with your life partner, children, friends, and generally in everyday life. The right words and questions are critical to the outcome of a conversation. A good technique to motivate children is the so‐called alternative question. You give certain alternatives that always lead to the same result. For example, if you want your child to go to bed at night, but the child still wants to play, ask the following question: “Do you still want to play with X or with Y before you go to bed?” In both cases, it's off to bed for the child afterwards. The same works if you want to go out to eat at a restaurant with your life partner. “Would you like to have dinner with me tonight in an Italian or a Korean restaurant?” In both cases, you will go to a restaurant and the goal of going out with your partner is achieved.

You can, of course, use the alternative question in professional situations. You want the client to place an order in any case. For example, it could be about a business valuation. Depending on the scope of services, the fees vary. For example, a full expert opinion is more expensive than a short opinion on so‐called indicative values. In this case, the alternative question would be as follows: “Do you want to commission a full expert opinion or is a rough estimate of the enterprise value on an indicative basis also sufficient?” The answer to this question is an engagement in either case. Only the scope of services varies.

I got to know the technique of the alternative question during my studies. My girlfriend at the time worked as a manager in a hotel bar. Since she received more tips with larger turnovers, I suggested that she ask her guests “Would you like another glass of beer or might it be a whisky this time?” when their glasses were empty. She varied the technique with any type of drinks. In each case, the outcome was already decided beforehand. The guests ordered one more time. Her tip and income increased substantially thanks to the technique of the alternative question. You might want to pay attention to this when you next visit a restaurant or bar. Most waiters simply ask if they can bring something else. You can answer with yes or no. A clumsy question if you want to sell something.

PowerPoint Presentations

Nowadays, PowerPoint slides are habitually used by presenters in business meetings, trainings, and speeches. Many companies have established precise rules on how the slides must be formatted. Meticulous care is taken to ensure that the logo is in the right place and that the font size corresponds exactly to the company's internal specifications. The focus of the presentation is the optimized slide and not the speaker. The occasions for presentations based on PowerPoint slides are manifold for professionals. These include, among others:

• Order acquisitions
• Presentations of results during audits or other consulting projects
• Training courses
• Lectures
• Speeches
• Staff meetings
• Advisory board and supervisory board meetings

The crucial question in connection with whether a speaker should use PowerPoint for these presentation occasions is: What function should the PowerPoint slides have? For example, anyone who wants to provide information about their business valuation results during a valuation project will find: Shortly after the PowerPoint slide set is distributed as a so‐called “hand‐out,” participants will flip through the printout and immediately focus on the assessment results. By then, most professionals will not succeed in having the participants listen attentively slide by slide to what the presenter has to say.

On the other hand, anyone who specifically uses PowerPoint as part of an order acquisition process to explain in detail their company, its services, and the reasons why the company's services are better than those of its competitors should not be surprised if they do not win the mandate. After all, in this case, the presenter has deflected attention from themselves to the company and thus, failed to recognize that they are the decisive person for winning the assignment and that the company presented on the slides is often only secondary.

It is the same with presentations, speeches, and staff meetings. In these cases, the aim is to motivate, inform, and ultimately initiate behavioral changes or activities on a regular basis. Effective presentations that achieve the desired goals often succeed better without PowerPoint in these cases.

It is not intended at this point to create the false impression that I am against PowerPoint on principle. I only want to sensitize that PowerPoint often does not lead to the desired result of a presentation. Since you probably haven't experienced a presentation that wasn't supported by PowerPoint for a long time, for years this has led to a certain herd instinct among all professionals. Everybody uses PowerPoint; therefore, PowerPoint is state‐of‐the‐art, and I also use it for presentations. But not always! I am more interested in using PowerPoint correctly.

But how can you recognize an effective presentation? First of all, it is useful to examine the essential characteristics and features of an effective presentation and of the speaker. These include:

• Effective presentations are memorable and compelling.
• They are interesting and entertaining.
• They appeal to the left and right hemispheres of the listener's brain.
• They are delivered freely and not read.
• They contain many personal examples.
• The speaker is authentic and personable.
• The speaker generates a laugh, at least a smile.
• The audience listens attentively from beginning to end.
• The speaker informs and motivates.
• The speaker appeals to the emotions of the audience.
• The speaker is the focus of the presentation, not the PowerPoint slides.

Overall, effective presentations depend on a multitude of individual characters and characteristics. I repeat: In the end, you only learn to speak by speaking. Practice makes perfect. Video recordings and feedback from trainers with proven speaking experience can help. However, if you consider the following points in your speeches and presentations, you will quickly achieve much more impact in your presentations than in the past.

Figure 15.5 shows the seven steps that lead to effective presentations.

• Step 1: Take a stand. The nervousness of many speakers causes them to walk “long distances” during a presentation. They walk back and forth and from left to right. They are constantly on the move. True to the motto, “Don't stand still; a thought you're presenting might settle on the listener.” If you want to present effectively, you should take a stand. This doesn't mean that you should remain in one place for 45, 60, or even 90 minutes. If you start a new topic, you can certainly move to another position to increase the effect. Constant running back and forth creates restlessness.
• Step 2: Keep eye contact. All exceptionally good speakers maintain eye contact with their audience. They linger in the eyes of their audience. In doing so, they indirectly address all other audience members as well. Depending on the number of participants, this can be everyone present during a speech or only certain different people in each of the four areas (front, back, left, and right, respectively) of the venue. If you want to make sure to lose the attention of your audience, use PowerPoint and conduct monologues with the screen on which the PowerPoint slide is projected.
• Step 3: Clear and distinct pronunciation. If you want to be heard, you must be able to articulate clearly and distinctly. You must speak loud enough to be understood by everyone. If you swallow endings or speak too softly, you will lose the attention of your listeners. Their thoughts wander to professional activities, family problems, or the next vacation. Closely related to pronunciation is the modulation and tonality of the voice. If you hit the right note, you make an impact. Everyone can train and improve their voice. There are a variety of exercises for this purpose, some of which I introduced to you in voice training. So, speak clearly and distinctly with a pleasant voice that people enjoy listening to for hours on end.
• Step 4: Speak slowly, take pauses. Another cardinal mistake in speeches is that the speaker speaks too fast. Even speaking slowly on purpose, most will still speak too fast. If you want to have an effect, you have to speak slowly and take pauses. Thoughts can only settle with the listener and remain in memory if the listener has sufficient time to comprehend them. The greatest effect comes from the right length of a pause at the right time. However, this presupposes that the speaker is absolutely at rest within themselves and has full command of their subject. If you are mainly occupied with yourself and the content of your speech, you cannot use such effective stylistic devices as pauses. Many speeches are unfortunately delivered true to the motto “The faster I talk, the faster I finish my speech.”
• Step 5: Use body language. Effect always and everywhere: You make an impact. From the moment you first enter the room or stand on stage or in front of your audience, body language regularly takes place unconsciously. In video trainings you can analyze positive and negative characteristics of yourself and others to increase your impact. A bad habit of many speakers is that they have one – or even worse both – hands in their pockets during a presentation. They think this makes them look especially casual, cool, and convincing. Others simply don't know where to put their hands and put them in their pants pockets. In my video trainings, I have been asking for many years how speakers with their hands in their pockets come across to the audience. I regularly get the following answers from most participants: “Arrogant, presumptuous, distancing, or seeing themselves as something better than the audience.” So, those who want to come across as arrogant and overbearing should continue to keep their hands in their pockets. To everyone else, I recommend using the impact of positive body language. Former US President Barack Obama has excellent body language. Watch his gestures and facial expressions on YouTube during his speeches.
• Step 6: Strong start, stronger finish. There is no second chance for a first impression. If you want to captivate your audience, you should think carefully about how you start. The first sentences of a presentation or speech are important. The conclusion is even more important. If you want to be remembered for a long time, you need a strong finish. Ideally, the audience is prompted to take action.
• Step 7: Personal examples. The last and, in my opinion, the most important quality of an effective speech is that they include personal examples in their presentations. Share a specific example that you have experienced. Experience the situation again; but in front of your audience. If you talk about yourself, you come across as convincing and credible. You are authentic if you tell the experience as if you are telling it to a colleague or friend if you were not standing in front of a larger audience. In the meantime, this presentation method has long been established under the term “storytelling” and there are numerous books on this subject.

Follow these seven steps for effective presentations. PowerPoint is not the focus here. Should you now ban PowerPoint from presentations as a matter of principle? No! Of course, PowerPoint has its right to exist. Especially when it comes to creating “hand‐outs” for example, to document project results, final presentations, or training documents. But if you want to present effectively, you should pay attention to completely different things than optimized PowerPoint slides. Anyone who makes PowerPoint slides the focus of their presentation is consciously or unconsciously distracting themselves. You often achieve a higher degree of effectiveness without PowerPoint. The targeted use of a flipchart or a drawing on a tablet generates much more attention than a perfectly formatted PowerPoint slide.

Table 15.1 can serve as a guide for the use of PowerPoint.This table is certainly not to be understood dogmatically but should serve as a guide. In the future, check carefully on when and how you use PowerPoint slides. In this context, I would also like to point out how participants of presentations usually perceive information.