11

Getting in Condition for Change

Anyone who’s coached for a period of time knows that it is rarely a matter of clients discovering what they want and coaches laying out a path to get there. There are unexpected and complex and stubborn obstacles that can be frustratingly difficult to resolve. When this occurs, we take one of three steps. First, there are numerous explorations about whether the client really wants the goal and wants it sufficiently (the notion here is that clarity and strong desire are the engines of success). Second, the coach will question the path that was designed. Was it too steep, too boring, out of step with the client? Third, the coach and client together might talk about incompatibility. Maybe there is not sufficient chemistry for the coaching program to be powerful.

There is another category that takes in elements of the other three. In this situation, the coach says that the client is “uncoachable.” Most clients hear this as something that is personally wrong with them. The additional trouble with such a characterization is that the client never knows how to respond. The client asks herself, “What can do I to get coachable?” In sum, it is not a fruitful end of a coaching engagement.

This chapter is meant to alert coaches to another possible factor—and a very common one—for the program not getting traction. When you read it you might say, “Well, that’s obvious.” Nonetheless, it is rare for coaches to attend to it.

What’s Necessary for Change

I propose that the first design step for a coach (an initial meeting, an intake session, and a time of analysis precede design) is to determine the client’s current capacity for being coached. Clients come to us with very full lives, competing commitments, stressful pressures, and often in the middle of a breakdown that initiated the coaching itself. Anything we say or bring to a person in such a condition likely won’t help for long. Even if the client is in acute distress and flies into action, embracing all elements of the program, she’ll soon end up with more stress, less wherewithal to lead her everyday life and may be even a bleaker view of her future. Coaches who attempt inspiring the client to “be bigger” than the current situation similarly set the client up for a very hard landing when the coaching program is concluded.

Recollect please that the outcomes of coaching are a client who is excellent in a long-term way and can self-correct and self-generate. Reflecting upon this for a moment, you’ll see that fundamental to these three elements is that the client has built more capacity, not wrung more performance out of herself in order to sprint to an immediate goal.

One of the important contributions coaches make is having a wide perspective on the client’s situation. The perspective includes taking into account not only as many circumstances and conditions in the client’s life as possible but also a longer time horizon, backwards and forwards, than the client brings. This becomes especially important when the situation in question has lasted a long time already, or when building the client’s lasting competence will take a long, sustained commitment. Yes, it is important to have immediate or near-immediate results so that some pressure is lifted from the client, but let’s not conclude that the whole point of the program is that initial relief.

Bringing this perspective allows the coach to realistically view and appreciate the life condition of the client. Such an examination frequently reveals that the basics necessary for initiating and sustaining change are not present. It is as if we are attempting to load a large cargo onto a ship with many leaks, even gaping holes, or trying to drive a multi-ton truck across a decrepit bridge. Either effort might look fine at first but will soon show its true limitations.

Being in condition to change means that clients have reserves of attention, physical and emotional energy, and social support. The way we live our lives in the twenty-first century makes the building of these reserves extremely challenging. Many of us feel pressed in our personal, business, relational, and financial domains. When not pressed by external circumstances, we usually feel compelled to maximize our activities so that at the end of the week or the end of the month, nothing is left. Then something goes amiss, or a potential new possibility fascinates us, and we consider working with a coach. Somehow we imagine that the coach knows something that will make this unworkable situation turn out just fine.

As coaches we mis-serve our clients when we pretend (unfortunately, some coaches do believe that they can—by force of personality, clearness of insight, or through clever motivation—shift reality) that our coaching will work and bring about the intended outcomes, regardless of the client’s current capacity for change. Rather than pretense, the first design step is asking: what activities does it make sense for the client to end? What relationships are best altered? What about the client’s self-care must be addressed? And, what additional support must be in place so that sufficient reserves can be built (See Figure 11.1.)

FIGURE 11.1 Getting in condition for change.

Some coaches might find this approach too slow, cumbersome, or boring. Still it is practical, realistic, and necessary. The step will also save you from blaming the client or blaming yourself or falling into frustration when the client doesn’t progress as planned. Clients cannot long sustain an effort beyond their current capacity without doing damage to their health, mental state, mood, or relationships. All these factors must be included when we are bringing the perspective I’ve been speaking about.

Nothing long term can take root unless all those conditions are harmonized. For coaches it can be personally challenging to have the patience to slowly begin the program by attending to the basics. But it is like training in karate: for the first day, week, month, or year, the student isn’t breaking bricks or repelling the attack of three people simultaneously. She is stretching her hamstrings, opening her hips, learning to focus, and slowly building strength by engaging in exercises over and over again. Bruce Lee wasn’t built in a day.

Readers might protest that clients don’t have the necessary determination to persist in these basic activities. And, therefore, coaches must go along with the impatience. Instead, coaches can use this initial step to talk about and educate the client in what sustainable change requires. Probably too many of us have watched movies that start with someone being 300 pounds overweight and end up with her being the Olympic diving champion. Here in the real world, where we live, a change like that is possible but it would take a long time and a full life change for the diver.

To be honest, truthful, and authentic, we coaches have to base our work on solid principles and not on salesmanship. Even those of us who find ways of putting our clients in such a pressurized situation that she does in fact perform—and that the results do consequently happen—are neglecting the long term, are forgetting in this scenario that the client didn’t become self-correcting and never discovered her own source of inner power or outer support and, consequently, never became self-generating. In a world where so much seems to be going faster and faster, let’s not forget our humanity and that we are biological beings and not electronic ones.

Assessing the Client’s Readiness

How do you assess someone’s readiness for change? Being clear and precise is helpful, as is being energetically committed; they are just not sufficient. Have you ever seen people at the end of a marathon, even very committed people, who cannot continue once their physiology gives way? And even people who somehow force themselves to complete the race are not in good shape for quite a long time afterwards. There is no substitute for long-term training in such a situation. Our everyday life circumstances are much more complicated than completing a marathon because the running course keeps changing, the distances keep morphing, and who is supporting us or thwarting us keeps shifting as well.

Depending upon the degree of your client’s openness, the depth of mutual relationship, and the length of the engagement, you can customize the following instrument to get a feel for your client’s readiness for change. There is more information and resources on all these topics in the bibliography at the end of this chapter.

Client’s Self-Assessment

• How stressed and stretched does your client say he or she is? (Does this feel accurate to you from being with them?)
• Is your client feeling financial, relational, or employment pressure?
• Does your client feel satisfied in her or his work?
• How complex and unstable is the client’s work life? Personal life?
• How much available non-assigned attention, energy, and creativity does your client say he or she has?
• What’s your client’s overall report of their emotional state?
• How does the client assess her/his overall sense of health and well-being?

General Well-Being

Here are some questions to work with in determining how well your client is taking care of herself/himself.

• How many hours of sleep does she or he get per night?
• How many hours of exercise per week?
• What does she or he typically eat for breakfast? How long is taken for this meal? For lunch? Dinner?
• How long is the average workweek? How long is the average workday?
• How many days does she or he take off per week? Length and frequency of vacations? What does she or he do to refresh and renew herself/himself? (This is different than decompress, unwind).
• Does your client smoke?
• How many ounces of alcohol does she or he drink each week?
• What is your client’s intake of caffeine?
• How much external stimulation does she or he take in during the day? (For example, email, texts, twitters, music, meetings, internet, or other media).
• How many hours per week does your client spend per week commuting?
• When was the last comprehensive physical exam? When was the last dental checkup?
• How many nights per month does your client spend traveling away from home?

Relationship

• How deep and close in is your client’s network of support?
• Whose well-being does she or he feel responsible for?
• How much time is spent each week in non-work-related conversations?
• Who are the specific people the client feels she or he can be open, vulnerable, and undefended with?
• Who are people who are toxic for the client? What can she or he do to reduce or eliminate contact with this person?

Others Sources of Stress/Renewal

• How often is your client in nature? (Golf courses do not count.)
• When does she or he encounter beauty? (This could be natural or artistic expression.)
• How much chaos or disorder does your client have in her/his work or personal environment?
• What does she or he do to stay educated beyond business-related reading?
• To whom or to what is your client dedicated beyond the survival of herself/himself and her/his family?
• What activities does your client have to cultivate creativity?
• What organizations (churches, community groups, etc.) does your client belong to that are a source of support and renewal?

What to do With What you Find

Here are some overall principles to use in assisting your client in having a strong foundation upon which coaching can succeed.

• Simplify life as much as possible (practically, this means taking as much support and nurturance in and eliminating as much disorganizing, toxic input as possible);
• Strongly support your client in establishing regular routines of sleep, eating, and exercise (This will improve your client’s ability to concentrate, deal with the disorder of starting something new, and stay resilient in the face of challenges).
• Collaborate with your client in establishing a strong network of support. If none exists, start with an inventory of current associates, colleagues, and friends and ask your client to reach out to each person and set up a situation in which support can be made available as necessary.
• Remember that your client is more than a physical body. Consequently, strongly suggest that she or he take up activities that renew his or her mind, heart, and spirit. Being in beautiful nature, listening to music are renewing  (classical music, especially Mozart and Bach, have been shown to integrate brain activity, so these can be especially helpful).
• For folks who are overstimulated, reducing chemical and electronic stimulation will be of great assistance. Even though your client might feel uncomfortable when the world becomes quieter and her/his body less jumpy, be encouraging through the transition so that she or he can come to a place of greater calm and resourcefulness.
• Helping your client with mental hygiene can be quite important. This means releasing from patterns of recurring anxious thought, second-guessing, or engaging in worst-case scenario thinking. No one needs to be a therapist to ask clients to observe thoughts and redirect them.
• Ask your client during an early conversation what she or he will give up or cut back on in order to make time and space for the coaching to occur (other than sleep, meals, time with important relationships or renewal time).
• Ask your client to display physical props to remind her/him to return to what’s important and so that beauty surrounds her/him; for example, pictures of nature, or live plants or flowers, or pictures of loved ones, or reminders in the form of cards or screen savers, or another object that reminds her/him of a deeper, larger world outside the immediate activity.

Examples

Example 1

I worked with the managing partner of an international architecture firm based in San Francisco. He was working on projects throughout the States, in Paris, and in Japan. New technology was constantly being brought onto the scene, outdating the skills he had honed during his 30-year career. He was being groomed to be the CEO and he had no time or available attention to develop himself in the necessary ways.

This fellow was warm, open and friendly, as someone from the Midwest of the United States can be. Balancing those fine qualities, it seemed to me, was an exaggerated sense of responsibility for everyone and everything in any way associated with the firm. I could tell right away that for this leader to take on the next level of his career, he had to free up his life for generating a new vision, renewing his enthusiasm, and building different relationships with customers, vendors, and employees.

The usual dilemma with a busy person was present: how to start something new when there was no room for it to exist? My solution was to start with two very small, but—it turned out to be—pivotal practices. I asked him to take a 10-minute walk every day outside the building into the neighborhood where he worked in downtown San Francisco. On this walk, he re-found his love for architecture and urban environments and, even in this brief period of time, his head cleared a bit and he could look beyond the crisis of the day.

The second practice was to go to lunch twice per week with someone from the office, starting with the younger people whom he didn’t know very well. From this simple exercise, he got away from the office and built a new appreciation for the talent and commitment of the people with whom he worked. He also discovered underlying forces of friction and untapped pools of creativity. He came away from each lunch with renewed eagerness to engage with people and a freshened commitment to the future of the firm.

After a month or so of doing these activities, along with a few others, he began to have enough available attention and energy to tackle the more challenging aspects of his upcoming new role. He was able to do that without adding any additional stress to his life or feeling that he was neglecting important people.

Example 2

The client came to me from the high-tech world of Silicon Valley, close to where I live. He was a high-level operations manager in a semiconductor firm. He was such a technical expert and virtuoso in solving technical problems that he’d been stuck at his current level, high though it was, for 12 years—a very strange occurrence for an organization used to rotating people every 3 years.

Other coaches reading this can probably predict the situation. My client was so embedded in the day-to-day that he didn’t have enough vision or a long enough time horizon to be considered for advancement to the executive ranks where he wanted to be. He considered it a virtue to storm in at the last moment and dramatically solve problems that were holding up a new product line. His company worked on short, unpredictable, never-ending product cycles, so that the combination of his personal inclinations and the financial, technical, and time pressure surrounding him made even the start of a coaching program very problematic.

The first steps in freeing up time and energy were basic but essential. I asked him to list all the meetings he was going to every week and then had him say why he was attending. Fully 40% of the meetings were “just in case.” Behind this phrase was his lack of trust in his team and his exaggerated sense of his irreplaceability.

For 2 weeks he experimented with not attending these meetings, consequently freeing up 10–12 hours on his schedule each week. No crisis occurred, his team members were competent in capturing important information and impending crises and reporting back to him about them.

In the freed-up time, my client began to formulate a vision of where his organization could go, how recurring process glitches could be resolved, and expanded his time horizon beyond the typical product cycle. He got himself educated in the edgier, emerging technical aspects of his job and worldwide business trends. He began to show up at meetings bringing up new topics, making new suggestions, and having a grounded background in topics that were germane to upper leadership.

Meanwhile, his organization continued to run very smoothly and he found out on his own how disempowering it was for his team to have him rush in and save them. To his chagrin and delight, he discovered that his team didn’t need to be saved. Additionally, my client built a stronger internal network of support and began to reach out more deliberately to the vendor community and discovered what new technologies were emerging there. He even began to gradually and methodically began an exercise program, which reduced his stress and let him concentrate more clearly on the job.

All these changes registered on the C-level leaders and he was seen as an extraordinarily capable, insightful, and energetic addition to their ranks.

Example 3

I was hired by the founder of a technical search firm in San Francisco. She had started the company 20 years ago and had built it to a large and flourishing enterprise. She’d been smart enough to easily weather the downturn of the 2000 dot-com collapse. But the economic downtown that began in 2008 was a different matter. There didn’t seem to be any company or sector that was left unaffected. Long-term clients were shifting their business model, requiring quicker turnarounds of job orders, tighter management of the process, while simultaneously paying lower fees. She felt squeezed from every direction.

Besides all that, my client had a busy, complex social world of friends, charity events, and dinner parties. She could find no mental or emotional space to address directly the situation that confronted her. All of her seemed to be swept up in day-to-day operations, solving the crisis of the moment, or preparing for the next social occasion. She felt no room to back out of anything. Everything that she was doing seemed vitally important and interesting.

For the longest time, she held onto the ardent hope that—because things had always turned out before—something wonderful and yet unknown would occur and turn the situation around. When this did not occur, she became more anxious and threw herself more fully into activities, leaving her less room to creatively respond.

Two small interventions assisted her greatly in freeing up her attention and energy to take on the huge challenge she was facing. She took up a modest but sustained exercise program. She found that walking in her neighborhood and walking on the treadmill at the gym put her body in a rhythm that disrupted her anxiety patterns. Elevating her heart rate and exercising her muscles also put her into a more positive mood. The combination of these two gave her the possibility to easily put down some of her long-held views and open up two new lines of business that were not so competitive with other firms and that were still paying good rates for the searches.

The second activity she took up was shifting the people she spent time with. In all instances, she reduced the amount of time she spent with people she felt were toxic for her and, in some other cases, ended the relationship fully. By toxic relationships, she meant people who increased her anxiety, undermined her confidence, and left her physically and emotionally drained at the end of their time together. Taking these people out of her schedule left her with more time—part of which she dedicated to exercise, but the other part towards research into the new markets she was entering, and the rest into building new client relationships, which she was excellent at doing.

As in the other examples, she took up these new activities with eagerness and ease. She didn’t have to force herself. Her company came to a place of greater financial stability and she became realistically confident in the future of the company she’d spent 20 years developing.

Some Concluding Remarks

Some readers may remain unconvinced by what they’ve read here. Of course, it is not possible to convince people, but I invite those of you who find yourself in this frame of mind to experiment with what I’m suggesting here. Perhaps you could start with yourself and see what happens when you attend to your well-being in all dimensions pointed to in this chapter. Then you could try these recommended initial steps with a client that you find open and willing to try the unexpected.

Lastly, I would like you to consider the kind of person you would want at your side in the middle of a crisis or in the midst of a stressful situation. Would you want someone calm, present, in touch with her capacities and confidence, or someone who was worried and anxious to distraction? What frame of mind and emotion would you want the paramedics to be in when they rush to an accident you are in or the pilots when a red light starts flashing in the cockpit? The economic crisis of 2008 and 2009 for me is evidence enough that people making decisions under extreme pressure after years of living in stress leads to bad outcomes for large numbers of others.

Bob had long neglected his life outside of work. He had long ago taken the stressful, agitated buzz of his everyday life for eagerness and ability to take on more tasks. Yet, when he took on something new, he found himself to be stressed, not focused, sometimes guilty, and even resentful. At such moments, the only thing Bob knew to do was to work longer hours and internally berate himself for slacking off. Bob’s solution was to apply more pressure to himself in order to meet the pressure he was feeling from his situation.

We all do this. Our usual solution to problems is doing the same things that brought about the problem in the first place. Here’s where the intervention of a coach can be very helpful. When we look to our own experience, we all too readily repeat what has worked before even though the present is different from the earlier time when those actions succeeded.

My main task with Bob was asking him to re-enter his friendships outside of work that he had neglected for a long time. Through many promptings and reminders and promises from him, he eventually reached out to some old college friends and parents of his children’s friends. Going out to dinner, attending some sporting events, taking walks, playing golf with these folks refreshed and renewed Bob in a way that he hadn’t felt in a long time.

Creativity, curiosity, and focus on his work naturally and easily flowed back into his life. Bob was amazed that—by taking the pressure off and letting himself have fun, be concerned about others, and relax—he did a much better job at his work. Being a smart and adaptable person, Bob quickly routinized these activities and made them an essential part of his life going forward. He thereby assured that he would have the necessary support and elements of self-care required for his new level of engagement at the executive level.

Suggested Reading

Chek, Paul. How to Eat, Move and Be Healthy! San Diego, CA: Chek Institute, 2006.

This book presents all the elements of a healthy lifestyle. The author is a world-renown physical trainer and he provides exercises and routines that can strengthen and center us for our stressful lives. Just the right amount of challenge.

Eliot, T.S. The Four Quartets. San Diego, CA: Harcourt Brace & Company, 1971.

The reflections of a deeply wise poet near the end of his life, summarizing what he’s learned about how our lives unfold. Many memorable lines and deeply moving images. Simple words and endless depth.

Kodish, Susan Presby, and Bruce I. Kodish. Drive Yourself Sane: Using the Uncommon Sense of General Semantics. Pasadena, CA: Extensional Publishing, 2001.

Often our thinking drives us crazy. We imagine what could be, worry about what wasn’t, and second-guess ourselves endlessly. The authors show us how to have good mental hygiene so that our cognitive processes and habits support our well-being, our relationships and our intentions. Surprisingly immediate in its effects.

Lesser, Marc. Less: Accomplishing More by Doing Less. Novato, CA: New World Library, 2009.

The book plunges into the middle of our modern life, in all of its complexities and speed, and then shows us a way to bring some calmness and serenity to it. Paradoxically, the move towards doing less is convincingly shown to be a useful method for accomplishing more while keeping our life intact. Easy to read, full of practical know-how, deeply grounded in experience.

Lowen, Alexander. Fear of Life: A Therapy for Being. Alachua, FL: Bioenergetics Press, 1980.

The title is Lowen’s definition of neurosis. His case studies show us the many ways we humans defeat ourselves by holding back from engaging in life. The book is an invitation to courage and an inspiration to what’s possible to overcome.

McCall, Timothy. Yoga as Medicine. New York: Bantam Books, 2007.

We don’t have to reach into the medicine cabinet when we have aches and pains, or even fatigue or a low mood. Instead we can draw on the 5,000 years of collected wisdom in the yoga tradition. The author is a Western physician who has filled his book with beautiful illustrations, clear instructions, and useful categories for addressing the physical and emotional ailments of our time. A treasure trove for all of humankind.

Mingyur Rinpoche, Yongey. The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret & Science of Happiness. New York: Harmony Books, 2007.

The author is a Tibetan monk who has studied neuroscience. He blends what he’s learned in both traditions into a method that facilitates our bringing happiness to our life. Warm, friendly, and convincing.

Putnoi, Johanna. Senses Wide Open: The Art & Practice of Living in your Body. Berkeley, CA: Ulysses Press, 2000.

Telling ourselves to relax doesn’t work. Inviting our clients to do the same is equally pointless. This book has many exercises and guidance so that we can learn how to attend to our body, conduct our life with greater ease, and stay buoyant in the midst of turmoil. Immediately accessible.

Roizen, Michael F., and Mehmet C. Oz. You: The Owner’s Manual. New York: HarperResource, 2005.

The authors are two eminent physicians who present in a humorous way the cutting edge of what’s known about human physiology and well-being. They’ve sprinkled quizzes, factoid boxes, and amusing illustrations everywhere so that the book is captivating as well as informative. An indispensable guide to anyone having a human body.

Roizen, Michael F., and Mehmet C. Oz.You: On a Diet. New York: Free Press, 2006.

The world of nutrition, diet and exercise is full of contradictory information. The authors base everything they say upon research, findings, and actual practice with patients. They find a way to keep the rigor of the science and at the same time make it understandable for the general reader. Everything physiological or psychological we need to know about food is here in one volume.

Siegel, Daniel J. The Mindful Brain. New York: W.W. Norton & Co., 2007.

The author, a psychiatrist and graduate of Harvard Medical School and a researcher into brain science, presents all the findings about how mindfulness—paying close attention to what we’re doing—shifts our brain chemistry and physiology. These effects permanently shift our sense of well-being, our attentiveness to others, and our everyday happiness. Written in a clear style with wondrous examples.