Anticipate How Your Audience Will Perceive You, the MESSENGER

Previous chapters have emphasized the importance of knowing your goal, being audience-centered, and managing the message. This chapter focuses on you and your ability to deliver messages with impact. Truthfully, I get a little alarmed when someone wants my help preparing a slide deck and talk track but insists that there is no time to rehearse the delivery. You absolutely must invest time in mastering your content, but not at the peril of delivering it well. This is because people don’t merely buy things and ideas; they buy the messenger of those things and ideas. This is true of social media influencers, brand ambassadors, and presidential candidates, and it is true of you.

Whether you are preparing to speak in an upcoming meeting, make a client call, or deliver a lengthy presentation, you are the voice and face of that message. Your idea won’t sell itself. You must manage both your content and delivery. This chapter focuses on communication essentials to help you establish credibility and convey confidence through your vocal and visual delivery.

BOTH CONTENT AND DELIVERY ARE CRITICAL

Have you ever thought or said something like, “There isn’t time to rehearse the content. I already know this material. I just need to get the deck put together and make sure the information looks right.” If so, think again. It’s not an either/or. Effective communicators don’t decide between content or delivery, they master both.

We can learn from my client who founded two San Francisco startups that failed and now focuses his efforts on investing in fintech and advising entrepreneurs. He helps new founders learn from his mistakes—one of the most important being that he never wanted to rehearse his communication. His thinking was that it was more important to be his authentic, in-the-moment self. This may have worked well with some of his core team, but it didn’t work with potential investors. When asked by investors why he was the right person to lead the company, he would sheepishly share that he wasn’t sure he was the right person, but that he would do his very best and always be honest. His authenticity was admirable, but he failed to instill the confidence necessary to propel his companies forward because he didn’t rehearse and polish his communication delivery. It’s admirable to present authentically, but not at the expense of instilling confidence in those around you.

If you really want to engender followership, never betray your ability to inspire with well-rehearsed, quality delivery. Whether conveying information to an audience of 1 or 1,000, you need to make sure you feel good about your vocal delivery and that your visual delivery is strong, not awkward. You need to get a good feel for the timing and flow of your message. This is especially true, given that when you deliver content in the workplace, you are likely to be interrupted with feedback and questions.

Perfecting your delivery requires knowing how you need to come across and rehearsing until you nail it. Rehearsing your delivery and imagining the various rebuttals or interruptions will give you a feel for how to pivot back to your message seamlessly, without appearing flustered. Additionally, quality rehearsal will help you to catch gaps in your logic and discover ways to strengthen the content of your message.

THE LINK BETWEEN CONFIDENCE AND COMPETENCE

If you are like most of my clients, you want people in your workplace to believe that you are competent, capable, and credible. But unless you are subject to frequent standardized testing, chances are that your competence is something perceived, not proven. The way that people will perceive your competence is a by-product not only of the actual content you communicate, but also (and often more so) by how you deliver that content. So, if the goal is to be perceived as competent, it’s not enough to be smart; you must prepare compelling messages and deliver them effectively.

When asked to deliver a message, remember there is a reason why you were chosen. Think of the last time you were asked to draft and send a memo or prepare and deliver a status update. What was the reason? Of course, it is possible that you got stuck doing someone else’s work, but the more likely answer is that you are the expert on that topic. I’ve never been to a meeting where the least-informed person spoke to a team of experts. Nor have I known of a situation where a miserably uninformed person was responsible for drafting and sending a critical memo to people who already knew it all. If you are chosen to deliver the message to a team of 2 or a room of 200, it is most likely because you are the dedicated expert sharing a message to people who know less, and perhaps even care less, about the topic.

Given that your audience likely knows less about the topic than you do, what is the most logical way for the audience to discern your credibility and competence? The answer: your confidence. Don’t believe me? Watch the news or a live sporting event. Check out a political debate. Who is winning on-air: someone who speaks with the accuracy of an encyclopedia but seems to have shaky and underdeveloped confidence, or someone who has unflappable confidence, and from the best you can tell, appears to know what he or she is talking about? Most of the time we may not even know the people talking on TV, yet we somehow manage to make assumptions about them, and whether we like listening to them and what they are saying.

Jaime just left a lucrative investment bank job, where he focused on real estate deals, to run global real estate in-house for a major tech firm. He has been in his new role for an entire week, and he is now expected to deliver a boardroom presentation in his second week on the job to a few senior leaders. His goal is to convince them that the plans in place for the next fiscal year and foreseeable future are solid. The guy is ridiculously smart, but he was visibly shaking when talking with me about the small-group presentation he is soon to give. After a bit of processing, he was able to articulate what was shaking his confidence and shared, “In my previous job, I felt so confident because people knew me already and they trusted me. These people don’t know me yet, so if I mess up on this presentation, that will be their only impression of me.” And he is not wrong. Some of the principles that I used with Jaime are important for us to consider here.

We know people are persuaded by individuals who demonstrate credibility. When it comes to the content of your message, you can incorporate credibility by referencing your experience. You can lean on credibility from outside sources (such as a reputable study or example). You can also establish credibility by demonstrating how a topic is relevant to your audience, which demonstrates shared values between you and them. While the principles of credibility and highlighting shared values are always important, they are especially critical when seeking to establish connection with people outside your core team, like cross-functional partners and external stakeholders.

In terms of delivery, however, you will be perceived as credible when you speak authentically and confidently. And it is important that you do so because we know audiences are more likely to stay focused on the content, and are even more likely to be persuaded, if they believe the speaker stands behind the message. I intentionally combine these words “authentically and confidently” because it is imperative that in today’s market you demonstrate both and with apparent ease. In the story I shared earlier about the failed founder, had he done proper communication training and preparation, he would have discovered ways to demonstrate authentic leadership and confidence, which would have been a winning combination.

Portraying confidence (which is not the same as cockiness!) is critical to being an effective communicator in the workplace. I frequently coach people on how to demonstrate confidence in their everyday interactions—meetings, client calls, and so on. To do this (and I recommend you try this with a trusted friend or colleague), I role-play as the CEO, board member, client, or manager, and I ask my client to give his or her position on an important topic being managed at work. Or I role-play as an interviewer and have my client talk through his or her work experience with me. The purpose of these activities is to help people discover and nurture their most authentically confident communication style. The goal is not to hold yourself to a gold standard of confidence, but to help draw out your most natural, likable, confident style.

When doing this, be sure to listen and look for confidence betrayers, such as weak phrases or negative visual and vocal cues. Notice when you make throwaway phrases like, “Well, this seems kind of important because it was talked about” or “This seems like something we maybe should consider.” Admittedly, all of us are prone to speaking some worthless phrases when thinking about what to say or hedging our bets, but we should work toward reducing them as much as possible.

As well, there are numerous visual and vocal behaviors that betray confidence. Nervous and involuntary movements, darting eyes, too many filler words, and unnecessary vocal upticks are signals to others that you may be either insecure or unenthusiastic about what you are saying. When you use tentative or vague language, or your visual and vocal delivery skills look and sound timid, people are more likely to question your credibility or the authenticity of what you’re saying. Thus, it is imperative that you are sharp both in what you say and how you say it.

DO WHAT CONFIDENT COMMUNICATORS DO

With regard to oral communication (the words you speak) and decisions related to message content, confident communicators use assuring and descriptive language. But even more than this, confident communicators are intentional with their nonverbal behavior. If your goal is to instill confidence, be sure to practice incorporating erect posture, purposeful movements, open gestures, and strong eye contact in every workplace interaction. Yes, even virtual calls!

Strengthen Your Vocal Delivery

Erect posture will also help your vocal quality, giving you a stronger voice with more volume. If your voice is still shaky when speaking in meetings, don’t start looking away from people; instead, find the friendliest face in the group and imagine that you two are simply having coffee together.

Your vocal delivery consists of many things; some may seem common knowledge and others not so much. When you talk, the person listening to you is evaluating how articulate you are; your voice’s pitch, rate, timbre, tone, and emotion; and your use of filler words and pauses. People may not know they are doing it, but most likely they are forming an overall perception of you based on each of these vocal qualities.

Each time you speak, others are evaluating your articulation. (Sub)consciously they may be thinking something like, She speaks really clearly. I like that I can understand her very easily. An important distinction here is that many of my clients who have English as their second language will often ask me, “How is my accent?” I usually smile and ask, “How is mine?” I playfully then ask, “Would you like to hear me speak in your first language? Because I can’t! I know one language, and I, like you, am still trying to improve my English every day!”

All of us have an accent. None is better than the other. Certainly, there are regions and markets that gravitate toward certain vocal stylings, and these tend to be represented in your local news channels. But even if there were a most popular accent in the world, what would it matter if it were delivered without confidence? So, if people wish to modify their accents, that is their choice, but no matter your accent, and no matter how fast or fluent your language skills, all of us have a better chance of accomplishing our communication goals when we articulate our messages with all the confidence we can muster.

By practicing some of the communication essentials here, you will minimize the risk of being perceived as unconfident or even inarticulate while increasing the likelihood of attaining your goal as a com-municator.

Reduce Filler Words—and Try Not to Use Them at All!

Many people comment to me that—umm, like, you know—they wish they could stop saying filler words (aka verbal disfluencies). Vocal fillers are sounds and words that fill silence and do not add to the content of a message (e.g., “uh,” “um,” “like,” etc.). Using these filler words will hinder the clarity of your message because they’re distracting to whomever you are speaking to.

For example, I know interviewers who will completely dismiss job candidates who use too many filler words. They’ll tell me something like, “I really liked him. He’s a smart guy. But if he talks like that in an interview, I can’t put him in front of senior leadership or a client.” This is because vocal fillers influence the perceptions of your credibility, preparedness, and confidence. If you speak with too many fillers, people will likely perceive you as unprepared, not credible, and insecure. When you speak inarticulately and use excessive filler words, you not only betray your message, but you are also causing people to work too hard to understand you. And, if people have to work hard to understand you, they may be prone to tune you out in favor of daydreaming or multitasking.

While some of my clients come to me hoping to completely eliminate all filler words, I remind them that this may not be the best goal. Truth is, unless you are giving a State of the Union type of presentation, most people expect an occasional filler word. Used sparingly and effectively, they can make you more relatable to your audience, give you time to catch your breath, and emphasize key points. But when they become crutch words used out of nervousness or lack of preparation, they diminish your credibility.

If you recognize a word you overuse, such as “like” or starting sentences with “you know,” you can begin training yourself to reduce your use. I had a friend who wore a rubber band on his wrist and would snap it every time he used a filler word. It worked for him. But I’d like to think we can discover a less painful way to break vocal habits. I find one of the best ways to eliminate fillers is to slow your rate of speech and master the art of the pause.

Master the Pause

Many communicators struggle to embrace the pause. This is probably because even the briefest pause can feel like forever. But it usually only feels that way to you, the speaker, the one in the hot seat. Like filler words, pauses give you a chance to take a break and figure out what you want to say next. When used effectively, a pause has the added benefit of making you appear confident and in control, whereas overused filler words are distracting and make you sound as if you don’t know what to say. A well-timed pause may also play to the emotion in the room, as it causes people to sit with a thought and reflect on what has been said or what they anticipate hearing next. Pausing allows you to collect your thoughts and get back on track. A strategically placed silence can build suspense, emphasize a point, or give your listener time to absorb a key insight.

Pausing gives you a moment to breathe and reengage with whomever you’re speaking to. If you demonstrate assuredness—through erect posture and strong eye contact—as you pause, people are likely to give you the benefit of the doubt and determine that your pause is intentional. I encourage you to build pauses into your messages, letting them feel like an organic part of the way you talk.

Set the Tone and Emotion

An engaging vocal delivery helps you connect with your audience and can be used to highlight key concepts. Your tone and emotion do more than just captivate the people you’re talking to; they also increase the likelihood a message will be remembered fondly. They strengthen the likelihood that your message will be remembered at all.

If you care about your message and you want the other person (i.e., your audience) to also care, then at minimum, increase your tone and emotion, as it will drive the likelihood that people will remember, perhaps ruminate on, what you shared. Although you can, of course, inject your voice with exaggerated tone and emotion when the moment calls for it, your default mode should be to speak with a warm and inviting voice, as though you have just opened the doors of your home to friends and neighbors.

Following the metaphor, just as you’d guide first-time visitors on a warm and inviting tour of your home, so too you would guide your audience with a warm, inviting, and conversational tone from the start through the finish of your message. Warm tone and emotion increase the likelihood that people will relate to you, and people tend to like others they can relate with.

Match Your Content with Your Vocal and Visual Delivery

Vocal (e.g., pausing) and visual (e.g., eye contact) elements of delivery work better together. A pause with strong eye contact and erect posture conveys a different meaning than a pause with someone slouched and staring at the table. Even more, your vocal and visual delivery works best when it matches the words you are speaking. People who are giddy to see a loved one may raise the pitch of their voices and throw open their arms as they say, “I’ve missed you! Get over here and give me a hug!” You can imagine how weird it would be to hear someone say those words with a high-pitched voice but a body that is slouched and closed off.

One of the biggest dilemmas people seem to face is what to do with their hands. This isn’t only a stage problem, either. Some people release their nerves during high-stakes meetings or job interviews by gesturing awkwardly with their hands. If you find yourself on virtual calls or meetings fidgeting with your pen or making unnatural gestures while speaking, get a tennis ball and casually play with it in your lap. Most of my clients don’t believe me until they try it. It is silent, it will allow you to release nerves, and no one will be the wiser.

There are also unusual occasions where you must really make sure your visual delivery is thoughtful, or perhaps even choreographed. For example, I’ve worked with financial leaders preparing earnings reports, and when we begin rehearsing a presentation intended to calm the audience with words like “all in all, things are looking up” or “profits are on the rise,” they often push their hands in a downward motion as they say it. Here is where a quality rehearsal and being mindful of all the details of your delivery can make the difference, especially when we know people pay more attention to what you do than what you say. Thus whether communicating in person or virtually, ensure your vocal and visual deliveries are coordinated with and enhancing your message, never betraying it!

MAKE EYE CONTACT

Eye contact is mission critical for effective communication in the workplace. Yes, of course it’s important for demonstrating confidence and exuding executive presence, but it’s more than that. It’s actually critical to memory and retention, especially during conversations and virtual meetings,¹ where any number of additional distractions may be present. So, whether you are trying to ensure you remember what the other person is saying or you are hoping to increase the likelihood that someone else will remember what you are saying, it is important that your eye-contact game is strong.

There are some quick tips to remember when trying to increase your eye contact. For starters, a good rule of thumb is to try to make eye contact 50 to 70 percent of the time during conversation. Of course, you don’t want to stare at someone’s eyes for minutes at a time. It’s actually normal to look into another’s eyes for roughly five seconds before glancing away momentarily. If you are like many people I work with, this may seem impossible to do, especially when you are the one speaking.

If you feel like you have room to grow when it comes to good eye contact, you aren’t alone. Kids are growing up with devices in hand. They also are observing their own parents glued to their phones. My heart breaks when I see a kid holler something like, “Dad, watch me do this cannonball!” and I see the dad make a thumbs-up and respond, “Great job!”—all while staring at his phone. I’m not innocent either. During family dinner, my pocket buzzes and I feel that urge to check my phone while remaining part of the conversation. Not only are adults trading eye contact for screen time, but our poor behavior-modeling is teaching young people that eye contact is unimportant.

The struggle is real, and many individuals I work with need help strengthening their eye contact. Yet when I suggest doing eye-contact drills with my clients, some will look at me as though I’ve asked them to write a sentence in cursive script. Write the sentence . . . why wouldn’t I just type it? Write it in cursive . . . who even does that anymore? I fear that eye contact, like cursive writing, is on the brink of becoming a lost art. The rarer it becomes, the more precious it will become. Those who do it well will continue to be seen as those leaders among us who have the “it” factor; a certain magnetism we crave and almost miss. This is because somewhere inside of us we know how good it feels to be seen and how much we appreciate eye contact that is warm, inviting, and kind, and that displays confidence and sincerity.

Plenty has been written about the cultural cues to be mindful of when considering giving and receiving eye contact. Most agree that Western culture places a premium on eye contact, with perception being that people who give too little eye contact are either impolite, insecure, or perhaps even untrustworthy. While staring or giving creepy eye contact is intimidating and awkward—and may even appear threatening—appropriately strong eye contact leads us to like a person more (and interestingly, research shows that it may even lead us to find them more attractive).²

The expectations for eye contact during one-on-one conversation remain mostly true for presentations to small and large groups. No matter the environment, you would be wise to give great eye contact, even when not receiving it, and hope that by modeling it well, others may reciprocate in kind.

When it comes to presenting, savvy speakers aim to make eye contact with each person in the room, and many will work the room with their eyes by going from one side to the other or making natural z-type patterns with their eyes. That said, it would be unnatural and very awkward to meet eyes with each person down the row, handing each person a moment of eye contact like you were passing out candy.

Solid eye contact need not be longer than five seconds without breaking. Even in one-to-one interaction, eye contact may only last the duration of a phrase or thought. One of the biggest perks of great eye contact is that you can keep a continuous gauge of how others in the room are receiving your message, allowing you to adjust your content or delivery in real time.

The good news is that growing your eye contact skills is simple. Think of eye contact like a muscle. If you grow it, it will be there and ready for you when you need it. If you don’t grow it, you can’t expect to have it for use. Imagine spending your life without ever lifting a thing and then walking into the gym and reaching for the 100-pound dumbbells, expecting to rep heavy weight. Not going to happen.

But the person who goes to the gym and reps the lighter weights will see progress in time. With a commitment to lifting, that person will soon be reaching for heavier and heavier weights, and before long, growing the muscles needed for lifting those heavy weights.

Your eye contact muscles work similarly. And eye contact during high-stake interactions is heavy weight, intended for those with strong eye contact muscles. So, if you are prone to avoiding and ignoring eye contact with others and tend to spend your days staring at devices, attempting to have a meaningful interaction, engage in a difficult conversation, or deliver a presentation may seem exhausting, if not impossible. Start by treating each human interaction as a chance to grow eye contact muscles. Wave, smile, and make eye contact with the person crossing the street. Make eye contact and say a friendly hello to the person passing you in the grocery store. Make small talk using strong eye contact with your barista next time you order a coffee. If you practice eye contact in low-stake interactions, your muscles will grow and be readily available in time for the high-stake interactions. If 60 seconds of eye contact with the barista seems uncomfortable, how can you expect to maintain eye contact throughout a 45-minute job interview or 20-minute presentation, when the stakes are much higher for your success?

DON’T BE DISMAYED BY “NETFLIX FACE”

One of the reasons that people struggle to have strong eye contact and otherwise effective delivery is because they perceive that other people are disinterested. My clients tell me it’s really difficult to run a meeting or give a presentation to a room of seemingly disengaged others, and even harder when it’s a virtual call and half or more screens are off.

As an example, one of my clients, Georgia, dedicated a large amount of her time working with me to prepare for an important presentation she was going to deliver to the team she managed. After it was over, she told me that she felt she had nailed the presentation, delivering her ideas with passion and confidence, but that to her dismay, her team members seemed to be bored to death during her presentation. The odd part was that many of her team members came to her later, applauding the great job she had done and saying that they fully supported her ideas.

My explanation for this is what I call “Netflix face.” Years ago, we were entertained in groups. We went to movie houses with friends, sat near strangers, and shared a collective laugh out loud. During the week, we snacked in the living room, watching sitcoms with family. Now, we stream content on our devices with earbuds, which I believe has led to a new skill for having muted responses to mediated content. Perhaps it is because laughing alone seems awkward. Certainly, when others around us are laughing, we feel freer to laugh louder. But I think muted responses might be due also to our desire to not draw attention or disturb others. Children are handed devices with headphones and told to be quiet. Adults likewise consume media individually while in communal spaces, so now it seems impolite to laugh out loud when something is funny or to begin crying in public. We are daily training ourselves to consume media and entertainment in isolation. And I believe this new skill carries its way into meetings and other workplace environments.

But whether it is “Netflix face” or some other cause, at the end of the day, you as a communicator have a goal, and it is your job to project the energy that you wish to receive. One of my best friends writes music and performs regularly. Early in his career, when playing at coffee shops of 20 people sipping lattes and only partly listening to him and his band, I asked how he gets himself to play his heart out when people are hardly listening. He admitted that it was hard and that there are occasions where a member of the band will start to lower his or her energy because of small crowd size or lack of audience involvement. But he reminded me that you can’t do that. He likened it to a boomerang—you never get back what you don’t first throw out there.

I am certainly not a stage musician, but I believe the same principle applies for you and me. As an academic, it’s not uncommon for me to sit in meetings with grumpy faculty. But I can’t merely reflect their energy and expect them to take interest in my message. Instead, I must infuse the room with new energy. In meetings, how are you using your vocal and visual delivery to energize others and warm them to your ideas? In your memos and emails, how are you framing the content to ensure that people are feeling your energy and excitement behind your ideas? There is not one right way to do this, but the critical takeaway here is that you can choose what kind of energy you put out into the world. You can’t expect to receive a positive charge that you aren’t willing to give first.

Be forewarned, however, that while you might in fact be nailing your team status update or client call, the faces around the room may not show it. When people don’t perk up with big smiles, it’s possible they are multitasking. They may be fully engaged but forget how to show it. You must remain calm and confident, and give it your best. In small or large meetings, look for the one or two people who will make eye contact and nod their heads. Let that positive feedback loop fill your soul and carry you forward. As you reward your head-nodders with smiles and eye contact, watch how quickly others will begin to participate in hopes of earning your favorable feedback as well.

YOU’VE GOT TO SELL IT

Ultimately, it’s your job to have a great message and sell it. My family has a funny phrase for when people are making their case for something they want. We jokingly remind them, “Don’t just say it, sell it.” In other words, don’t merely ask if we can have pizza tonight; instead, make a compelling case for why. Not long ago, we were returning from the park when Joy, my oldest, asked me to turn up a song on the radio. She started singing along quietly. We then pulled up to a streetlight, and the car beside us was a family we knew well. Joy said, “Turn it up, and put my window down.” It was clear to me she wanted to go full-blown Carpool Karaoke for this one.

As I was putting the window down, her little sister, Evy, slapped her on the arm and said, “Don’t just sing it, Joy! You’ve got to sell it!” Joy threw on some oversized sunglasses, grabbed the hairbrush-microphone from the seat pocket in front of her, and transformed herself into a mini Elton John. The passengers in the car beside us seemed to enjoy the show as much as we did because she didn’t just sing the song. She sold it.

This is my challenge for you and me: When the moment matters, what are we doing or what should we be doing to appropriately sell the message? In writing memos, we are limited to our use of the words themselves. But in everyday interactions and when presenting our ideas in meetings or groups, we have an opportunity to do more than rely on the words themselves. We should be asking ourselves: What do I want this person (or, these people) to think of me and my message? How do I want them to respond? There is a whole world of vocal and visual delivery skills available to us, and we ought to master them as best as we are able. By doing so, we don’t just sing the song. We sell it.

• • •

When it comes to delivering your messages with impact, the struggle is real. The message sent is not always the message received, and this problem is magnified because many people lack the willingness to own the message or the readiness to do so effectively. You can be different. You can do better.

With the right mindset, a willingness to try, learn, and grow, you can develop the readiness to be a best-in-class communicator. Developing audience-centered messages that are clear, concise, and compelling should be standard for every note you send and every time you speak. Confident vocal and visual delivery should become second nature for you.

ESSENTIAL TAKEAWAYS