4

Two Simple Appreciative Practices

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Creating a positive future begins in human conversation. The simplest and most powerful investment any member of a community or an organization can make is to begin with other people as though the answers mattered.

—William Greider

We saw in chapter 1 how Alisha changed the tone and direction of her conversations at the medical center simply by asking questions that challenged her ordinary ways of thinking and changed her frame of reference. This altered everything. She got curious about her role in the current outcomes. She reflected on the focus of her conversation and what she really wanted to talk about. These kinds of questions shifted her frame from focusing on data to focusing on actual patient outcomes. It expanded her thinking from employees as problems to employee ideas and actions as possibilities. From this new frame of reference, a different set of questions emerged, inspiring solutions and more effective interactions than previous critical conversations. These questions helped her staff focus on what was working and sparked ideas about what else might work. The answers enabled them to replicate success and create new possibilities.

Likewise, Kamal and Mary at the bank intentionally framed their first meeting with Elizabeth to set the stage for an appreciative tone and positive direction. Inviting her to share her best experiences about what gives life to the bank and the community resulted in a conversation worth having.

The two Appreciative Inquiry (AI) practices Alisha, Kamal, and Mary applied were generative questions and positive framing. It can be difficult to separate these practices in action because they weave together to create conversations worth having. Nonetheless, they are in fact distinct. It is worth understanding how each is practiced and contributes to productive and meaningful interactions. Each practice can alter the tone and direction of any conversation. You can begin with generative questions, which naturally create a positive frame because you are inquiring into what adds value. You can even ask a generative question in the midst of a negative interaction to turn that conversation around. Or you can start with a positive frame.

Generative Questions

The practice of asking generative questions invites you to adopt an attitude of curiosity. When we are genuinely curious, we naturally ask generative questions. Our colleague Gervase Bushe best describes generativity as “the creation of new images, metaphors, or physical representations that have two qualities: they change how people think so that new options for decisions and actions become available to them, and they stimulate compelling images people act on.”1 As a result, generative questions have the following outcomes:

• They might challenge our ordinary ways of thinking and doing: “What else might explain what happened?”

• They may make room for diverse and different perspectives: “How do you see it?”

• They can surface new information and knowledge: “How did they manage this process at your previous plant?”

• They often stimulate creativity and innovation: “What might be possible if we merge marketing and development?”

When dealing with any issue, even a difficult one, generative questions result in conversations that create trust, positive energy, and the transformative power to move the relationship or system forward in a positive direction. Generative questions focus on what adds value, the best of what is, and what might be. The result: breadth of understanding, new ways for solving complex problems, and compelling images for collective action.

Our work with clients has deepened our appreciation for the need to clarify how generative questions change our thinking and how they differ from problem-solving questions. Most of us are good at problem-solving, and we’ve been rewarded for coming up with solutions. Problem-solving is valuable when trying to solve mechanical problems, and it doesn’t work well for human systems or complex challenges. If we don’t tune in, this mindset primes us to ask questions that are really solution focused. For example, the front-of-house manager of a restaurant and a waitstaff member are arguing about a procedure. The general manager overhears them and asks, “What if you try ____?” Her question is really a solution, and coming from the general manager, it may end the conversation. Sometimes this is expedient; however, it eclipses the potential for the parties to understand their different perspectives and discover their own solution.

We’ve also learned from our clients that we often ask ourselves questions when we don’t know what someone else is thinking or feeling. Anytime you find yourself asking yourself about other people, don’t answer! In the workplace, managers and leadership teams routinely do this: “How might we motivate the team to be more productive? What kind of training should we provide?” Such questions encourage us to make stuff up, to guess. This can be costly, and it’s unnecessary. The people with the answers are right there. Ask them. Turn these into generative questions: “When you are engaged and enjoying your work, what motivates you? What kind of training will help you be more successful on the job and in your professional life?”

We find that generative questions tend toward divergence. They broaden our focus of awareness, thus changing the way we think and see. These questions encourage us to take in more of what is around, within, and beyond us. They can invite us to step back from our ordinary ways of thinking and doing, creating space for us to become more conscious in any given situation. This includes becoming aware of our assumptions, biases, body-mindset, actions, and choices. It also means seeing and understanding the broader context: your own and other people’s perspectives, assumptions, ways of knowing, data and information unknown to us, positive deviance,2 and the larger context that includes the purpose of the conversation. These questions typically result in two outcomes: making the invisible visible and creating shared understanding.

For example, in the restaurant scenario above, the general manager might have asked, “What’s going on? How is this impacting each of you? What’s important for each of you in resolving this? What’s important for our customers here?” Once all the invisible information is shared, a solution may be apparent. On the other hand, it may be valuable to continue asking generative questions that invite people to think and see beyond their ordinary ways of seeing and doing. These generative questions make room for emergence. Such questions inspire possibility, disrupt ordinary ways of thinking and doing, and make room for creativity and innovation. These questions typically result in two outcomes: they generate new knowledge and inspire possibility.

Continuing with our restaurant scenario, any member of this group might ask, “What ideas do you have that would be win-win-win? How do other restaurants handle this? What if the customer was the solution?”

Let’s look at a couple of examples illustrating how asking generative questions shifts our thinking and seeing. Bob was busy working on his responsibilities for a department project. Mia walked into his office and he fretted: “I’ll never finish on time.” Mia asked how he was doing the work. After he explained, she asked, “How did you decide to do it that way?” He paused for a moment and suddenly realized he hadn’t decided; he’d just done it the way he’d always done it. In that moment his thinking changed. He realized there might be a better or easier way; in fact, the team never challenged any of their thinking before they dove into doing the project. Mia had asked a question that made an invisible assumption visible. Once visible, it could be challenged, and it exposed a greater opportunity. Following this interaction with Mia, Bob called the project team together to clarify their purpose and the customer’s why, making more of the invisible visible and creating a shared understanding around desired outcomes.

They then began asking generative questions that invited greater creativity for the “how.” These questions invited innovative thinking. Bob and Mia asked the team questions such as “How might we rearrange or redesign our process to eliminate steps and time? How might we rethink our siloed effort and develop a more systems-level approach for the project? And, if we were starting from scratch with no preconceived ideas about how to accomplish this project, what questions would we ask, whom would we involve, and how might we do it?”

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Innovative solutions can be found in what is already working.

Generative questions are just as valuable in solving complex global issues, as was the case for Jerry Sternin. In the 1990s, Jerry worked for Save the Children, an international nongovernmental organization working on behalf of children’s well-being. The government of Vietnam asked Save the Children to help it with childhood malnutrition in the south of the country.3 Jerry landed in Vietnam and was promptly told by the foreign minister that not everyone was pleased he was there and that he had only six months to make a difference. Any ideas about doing traditional problem-solving, such as achieving clean water, setting up educational programs on nutrition and sanitation, and eliminating poverty, were clearly not going to work. Jerry challenged his ordinary ways of thinking about childhood nutrition by asking himself a generative question: “I wonder if there are families where the children are thriving?”

This question inspired Jerry to bring together teams of mothers from rural communities to help him answer it. He asked them to weigh and measure all the children, in hopes of finding some children that were not malnourished. Meanwhile, he talked with as many people in the community as he could to discover their eating norms. Generally, mothers did the food preparation, families ate twice a day, and children ate with adults and fed themselves. The children ate soft, clean food (no crustaceans), and if they were sick, they did not eat; however, he found inconsistencies. The data the mothers gathered showed that there were, in fact, small pockets that represented exceptions to the norm in the community: there were children of very poor families who were healthier and bigger than the standard. His generative question made the invisible visible.

Jerry asked another generative question: “Is there something the mothers of these children are doing that is making the difference?” Observation and conversations with these mothers surfaced important differences; they did not follow the cultural norms. In these families, children ate the same amount of food, but it was spread out over four meals. If the children did not eat on their own, their mothers fed them. These children were served small shrimp and crabs as well as sweet-potato greens, which were considered a low-class food. In addition, when children were sick, they ate. The difference in diet was significant: these children were receiving more protein and vitamins on a daily basis. Jerry’s research teams had discovered a native solution to the problem of malnourishment. As a result, Save the Children implemented a program for mothers with healthier children to teach other mothers in their community how to feed their children in a more beneficial way. In six months, they made a positive difference in the well-being of these families—and discovered a solution that could be replicated.

Jerry had challenged ordinary ways of thinking about the problem. Instead of asking questions about fixing the structural and cultural issues related to malnutrition, he looked for positive deviance. The solutions were already present in the community. He discovered them by asking generative questions.

Shifting Depreciative Conversations with Generative Questions

Sometimes we find ourselves in the midst of a critical or destructive conversation because no one is paying attention to the nature of the conversation. Shifting a depreciative conversation to an appreciative one can be initiated by using generative questions. In the following story, you will see how Gabriela asks a simple question that changes the tone and direction of a conversation.

Gabriela, an organization development consultant, attended a reception on the last evening of an AI workshop. She was talking with the provost of a large midwestern university about a new project it was undertaking that promised to engage students and improve student learning outcomes. The provost was complaining, “We have invested so much time and money in this powerful new learning management system, and I just can’t get the faculty on board. It’s so frustrating, especially for students. I sometimes wonder whether they simply don’t get how beneficial this is.”

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Inquiry and change are not separate moments.

Gabriela had been listening and commiserating. She had her viewpoint about academicians, which lined up with what he was saying. She added to this depreciative conversation by asking, “That’s pretty typical of faculty, isn’t it?” and “Why are they always so resistant to anything new?” Suddenly, she realized that she was asking depreciative questions, which was keeping this critical conversation going. She thought, “Okay, let’s give this AI approach a test drive. We’ll see if I can change this conversation just by asking a simple question to flip the focus.”

The next time the provost paused, she asked, “Are there any faculty who are on board with what you are trying to do?” Before she even completed the sentence, the provost brightened, stood taller, smiled, and with enthusiasm and a completely different tone declared, “Oh, yes, the College of Management is completely on board! They’ve adopted this wholeheartedly!” Then he went on to describe all the things the faculty were doing and the successes their students were having. But Gabriela wasn’t listening anymore. She was in awe of how easy it had been to shift the conversation.

Generative questions work just as well in families as they do in organizations. Monica was able to change the conversational dynamic with her son by asking such a question. She had been in the midst of a recurring argument with her teenage son, Aiden. She was tired of the same old interaction that never produced a way forward. Aiden wanted to borrow the car over the weekend to go “do things” with his friends, and Monica didn’t like the idea of his joyriding, with the possibility of getting into trouble. Their critical conversations had created a rift between them, which saddened Monica, but she didn’t know what else to do.

Suddenly, in midconversation, it occurred to her she could use the practice she’d learned at work for shifting the tone and direction of a conversation. When Aiden started to reiterate the argument, Monica held up her hand, paused, took a deep breath, and said, “I really do understand why you want the car, and I hope you understand why I’m worried for your safety and well-being. So, how can we have a more productive conversation? How can we come to some agreement that allows you to get the car and me to feel comfortable that you’ll make good decisions, even if your friends are pressuring you?”

Aiden was stopped in his tracks. This time it was his turn to pause, and then they began a brand-new conversation that promised to be worthwhile—and it was. Monica’s questions allowed Aiden to let his mom know that he did understand. He shared that sometimes he was glad he hadn’t been allowed to have the car because of where his friends ended up. But other times, he had missed out on experiences he wanted to have. At those times, he felt she was being overprotective. On hearing that, she realized she hadn’t even considered that part of the stalemate might be her own refusal to let go. Monica and Aiden eventually arrived at an agreement to start small and keep expanding car privileges as trust and confidence grew between them.

Monica shifted the conversation out of critical debate and into a conversation worth having by asking a generative question that reframed the focus of the conversation. This simple action shifted the tone and direction of the conversation. It allowed both of them to step back, reflect for a moment, be more open and honest, and hear one another. That shifted the outcome of their interaction. This is one of the most valuable practices you can develop for building strong relationships, expanding the potential of a group, surfacing possibilities in the face of challenges, and rapidly moving toward desired goals.

All Monica did was ask a generative question that shifted the focus of the conversation to a desirable outcome, one they both wanted. When Monica asked her son to help create a solution that would work for both of them, Aiden stopped advocating for himself and opened up to his mother’s needs as well. All Gabriela did was ask a generative question about the positive opposite of what the provost was saying. Their questions flipped their conversations in the moment.4 This is one of the simplest tactics for shifting a conversation from depreciative to appreciative.

These stories are only a few of the many client stories we have gathered that demonstrate the power of asking generative questions. Such questions shift our thinking, make room for innovation, and invite people to show up, engage, and participate. When people are invited to share their knowledge and ideas, it encourages everyone to stay open and listen. This broadens and builds our access to critical thinking and creativity.5 Such questioning expands possibilities for action, increases the odds for new knowledge and innovative solutions, and paves a path for flourishing.

What Question Do I Ask?

Asking generative questions starts with curiosity and an open mind. We suggest this begins with tuning in and reflecting on your own frame. Where is your focus of attention? Are you open to any answer, or is there an agenda or a set of assumptions behind your question? Recall Alisha before she brought AI into the medical center. Declining statistics were her focus of attention. People must not be doing their jobs was her assumption. She had a negative frame. Her questions arose from that frame. They were depreciative in nature, leading to critical conversations. By tuning in and challenging her focus of attention, she opened up to possibilities that great care was already being given to those patients who were satisfied. From that new perspective, she automatically found herself asking different questions. She became curious about what was already working and how the staff might replicate those behaviors. Her change in focus of attention ignited generative questions.

Begin by asking yourself, “What is of value and what will add value? Do we need to strengthen connection or understanding? Am I missing anything? Do we have all the information to move forward? Do we know where we’re going? Are we ready to be creative?” Figure 4.1 provides a quick reference for the four primary categories for generative questions.

Here are a few examples of generative questions in each area:

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Figure 4.1 Awareness and Outcomes from Generative Questions

Make the invisible visible: What don’t we know? What else might explain a person’s action or behaviors, besides what I am currently assuming? What hidden assumptions, beliefs, rules, or norms might be influencing our thinking? How might diverse expectations be influencing what’s possible? What is the experience that another is having, and how is it important in this moment? What’s the bigger context for this; how is it relevant? What’s taking up time and money? What exactly do we want to accomplish here?

Create shared understanding: What information or perspectives do others have that might add value? How do others understand or experience the situation? What is their story? How is this relevant to the work we are each doing? What future are we hoping for? How are individuals or departments going to be affected? What outcomes are desired? What does the client or customer actually want? What is essential and what might we let go of?

Generate new knowledge: How might current ways of thinking or configuring resources be getting in the way of innovation? What happens if ______? How might we combine your ideas with their data? How are all these data points linked; what’s the simplest explanation? How might the customer design this? How is the customer going to use this? How might we organize if we were starting from nothing? Where can we find people who are doing this well, and what can we learn from them?

Inspire possibilities: How might we create pathways forward that work for all? What have others done? Where is this already working well, and what can we learn from that? How might we ______? What if ______? How might we improve on the best of what is? What could we do if money and time were unlimited? How might we do this if we had to have a process in one hour?

Table 4.1 provides more examples of generative questions.

Before introducing the second practice, we need to remind you that generative questions may not always seem positive in and of themselves; however, they always add value and have a positive effect on people and situations. This is especially true if someone needs to feel seen, heard, and valued before moving forward—someone like Colleen.

Colleen left the meeting spitting mad—again. She’d been ignored during the meeting, her idea wasn’t considered until a guy repeated it, and she’d been routinely interrupted whenever she tried to contribute. Trevor, her administrative assistant, overheard the guys leaving the meeting talking about her in pretty negative terms. He knocked and went into her office. “Are you okay?” he asked. “No,” she muttered. “I’m really tired of the way I’m treated by the other leaders. I am so tired of being disrespected by men around here.” Trevor asked for the details of her story to deepen his understanding and to make sure she was heard. Her response sounded like he’d invited a depreciative conversation. She was frustrated as she retold her experience with the other senior leaders, emphasizing that this happened every time they got together. Trevor listened and affirmed her feelings.

Just being heard began to shift Colleen’s energy. Trevor could hear the shift in her sigh and resignation: “I’m done fighting to be a valued member of the team. I just may have to resign.” Trevor asked, “Do you know if other women have this same experience here?” Again, this may sound like a depreciative question because it’s asking about the problem, but such a question broadens awareness. Trevor’s questions made the invisible visible and created shared understanding. They began to identify some important cultural issues that needed to be addressed. That adds value. When Colleen replied, “There may be; I’m not unique.” Trevor asked, “What if there’s an opportunity here to create positive change for every woman who may be experiencing this?” This shifted the conversation. Colleen hadn’t thought about her problem as an organization issue. She perked up as the focus shifted from her personal experience to this being a cultural problem that needed to be addressed. The two of them had many more conversations after that, all focused on creating a more equitable and inclusive workplace. Colleen went on to inspire culture transformation throughout the organization over the course of the next two years. Trevor’s generative questions definitely fostered a conversation worth having.

Table 4.1 Examples of Generative Questions

What Your Question Can Do

Examples

Elicit information, stories, ideas, and perspectives Alisha’s question to the staff: When are patients satisfied?

Tap experience

You’ve done something like this before. What was your experience? What worked well for you?

Allow strengths to show up How might each of you contribute to the success of this venture?

Surface best practices and elements of success

What best practices in the industry are you familiar with?

Move toward solutions or to information and data that inform possible solutions Jerry’s wonderment: What are mothers of healthier children doing?

Identify new ways of thinking, new possibilities, opportunities, and aspirations

As you think about thriving digital communities, what do they have that we need if we are to develop a thriving digital economy?

Inform what you might do, the results you might want Monica’s question: What can we do that allows you the car and me my sense of peace?

Make room for new knowledge, creativity, and innovation

Forget completely about how we have done this in the past. If you were designing it today, what would you do?

Deepen connections How do you see it? What’s important to you about this project?

Strengthen relationships

Can you say more about what you mean when you say there’s no opportunity for you here? What are possible opportunities you are seeking?

Engage those on the sidelines What do you think, Elizabeth?
Generate understanding Can you say more about what you are thinking? Help me understand your perspective.

Positive Framing

Remember when Kamal called Elizabeth and Ram into his office? He wanted to talk with them about how long it was taking to open accounts and how few were actually being opened, respectively. He could have used a critical tone and direction with each of them. Instead, he framed the conversation around working together to create a model for rapid new-account generation. This was the desired outcome. It made it easy to invite Elizabeth and Ram to help figure out how to do that. Kamal brought a positive frame to that conversation. Positive framing is not specifically focusing on the positive, but it does result in positive outcomes.6 It is about focusing attention and action on where we want to go or on what it is we want more of. More often than not, it is highly beneficial to ask generative questions that expand awareness before creating a positive frame, which will then guide a conversation about change or forward momentum.

A positive frame opens the door for conversations that move us toward what everyone in the conversation wants. Such framing draws people in and inspires curiosity, imagination, and interest about moving toward a shared and desired outcome. For examples of positive framing, see table 4.2.

You can apply positive framing in virtually any situation, conversation, evaluation process, feedback session, meeting agenda, planning process, interview, or interaction. You can do this at the outset of a conversation, or you can shift a conversation if you realize it’s depreciative. If you started your conversation with generative questions that made the invisible visible and created shared understanding, you might be ready to shift the focus of the conversation to desired outcomes, which is a positive frame. No matter what the situation or with whom you are talking, you can frame (or reframe) the focus in a way that inspires a conversation worth having. The dynamics of our conversations are always influenced by our focus of attention (frame) and by the questions we ask. Mark’s story illustrates this effect.

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Our framing and questions are fateful

Mark, a midlevel manager in a Fortune 100 company, was preparing for a tough conversation with an employee who was very good at her job. There was one major problem: she was routinely late for their weekly meeting and sometimes missed deadlines. He and his mentor were talking about how he might frame this conversation. Mark was smiling as he mused, “Before you taught me the two basic AI practices, I would have seen Melissa as the problem. I probably would have said something like, ‘We have a problem; you are always late and miss deadlines. You have to change.’ I would have framed a critical or possibly a destructive conversation and asked critical questions. I know exactly how that would have played out!”

Table 4.2 How Positive Framing Draws People In and Inspires Engagement

A Positive Frame …

Inspires Curiosity, Imagination, and Engagement

Our employees feel valued, and each of them collaborates with a highly productive team.

I want to work there! What company is this?

How do you know employees feel valued?

What contributes to feeling valued?

What makes them productive?

How can we do more of what you do so our employees have the same experience?

Imagine what it would be like if that were the case here!

Employees look forward to their quarterly performance reviews.

Really? Why? What goes on in your reviews that makes employees like them?

What would have to happen for my employees to look forward to these conversations?

Let’s plan our vacation so each of us feels like it was our best vacation yet!

That sounds awesome. I want to spend lots of time in the water!

Does it matter what kind of water? Because I’d love to go to the beach.

How does everyone feel about seeing a few shows?

Our students thrive, regardless of whose class they are in.

How is that possible?

What do you mean by “thrive”?

What do you do to help them thrive?

How do you get all teachers and students on board?

How can we spread this to all our schools?

I want my children enrolled in your school!

In our town, we’re talking across all sorts of divides: racial, gender, and political. And we’re finding ways we can all live together well.

How did you do that?

How did you get people to the table?

What do you talk about?

We’re trying to do that but we keep bumping up against fear and resentment. How did you get beyond that?

Who helped lead this?

Imagine that after five years we could say that we’ve made great strides in reducing our environmental footprint each year.

I’m up for that!

Where shall we start?

My department has already been trying to do this. I can share what we’ve been doing.

We may need to make some policy changes. Anyone interested in focusing on those?

How do we get people engaged and committed?

What can the city/management do to set a high standard?

How are we going to measure success?

I wonder what other cities/organizations have done?

His mentor nodded and asked, “So, how are you going to frame your conversation with Melissa?”

Mark replied, “Well, I’m still not totally sure, which is why I wanted to talk with you. Here’s what I’m thinking about doing: Instead of making her the problem, I’m thinking about focusing on a high-performance team and framing the conversation around behaviors that affect the team and our performance. I thought I would start by saying, ‘You do exceptionally good work, and your input is very important to our team’s success. Because of that, it’s really vital that everyone arrive on time, if not a few minutes early, to our meetings and also to make deadlines on time. When you’re late, it affects all of us. What ideas do you have for how we plan and schedule things that could resolve this?’ What do you think?”

Mark’s mentor smiled and said, “That sounds like a productive frame. I’m wondering if there are some things you don’t know, perhaps some assumptions you or the team might be making.” This generative question gave Mark pause. After taking a deep breath and getting curious, he responded, “You’re right. I don’t know why she might be late; she’s actually usually on time.” Mark’s mentor encouraged him to begin with questions to increase his awareness and then transition to his frame if it still fit. As he left Mark’s office, he added, “Remember to think about your role as well.”

It’s important to note that Mark was not going to skirt the problem; rather, he was planning to address it head-on and invite Melissa to be part of the solution, just as Kamal did with Elizabeth and Ram. The practice of asking generative questions and using positive framing has allowed Mark to maintain good relational dynamics with his employees while resolving issues that are negatively affecting overall team performance. The result is a department that has a strong sense of well-being and a team that is flourishing. In this particular situation, beginning with generative questions will help make the invisible visible for both of them. Melissa may still feel bad because the problem is the result of her actions, but the focus is not on her; it is on clarifying the situation and on moving toward a desired outcome. This allows her to share potential issues that may be impeding her ability to be on time, and new information that arises has the potential to surface solutions.

Positive framing is about intentionally shaping a conversation that invites engagement and produces positive outcomes. This applies at work, at school, at home, in our community outreach, and even when we have internal conversations with ourselves. We always recommend that you begin where you are when you start practicing positive framing. If you’re like we once were and most of our clients, you’ll start with a problem-oriented or negative focus of attention. When this is the case, simply reframe the focus. A process for reframing a conversation, task, or topic can begin with a technique we call flipping.7 It’s a simple way to reframe the depreciative to the appreciative.

Flipping

After his mentor left, Mark spent time thinking about his mentor’s reminder about assumptions and his role in contributing to the problem. He had not considered that he himself might somehow be playing a role in Melissa’s being late and had missed the obvious question, “What was making her late?” Just asking himself those generative questions shifted his thinking. Recognizing he was missing information and considering that he might need to own some responsibility made him feel more open and less critical of her. He thought through the flipping process so as to shift his original depreciative frame to an appreciative one. He took the time to get very clear on the impact Melissa’s tardiness was having and what the outcome of her being on time would be for the department. His mental process went something like this:

• What is the problem? Melissa is routinely late and misses deadlines.

• What is the positive opposite of the problem? Melissa is routinely on time and meets deadlines.

• What is the positive frame? (What would be the impact if Melissa were on time? What is the desired outcome?) The team has a strong sense of cohesion: performance improves, while trust, mutual respect, and collaboration are solid. All these help us sustain excellence.

Notice that the steps to reframe, moving from problem to positive frame, are stimulated by generative questions, especially the move from positive opposite to the new frame. These questions generate both a new perspective and a broader context for the conversation. The new frame typically inspires curiosity. For Mark, reframing helped him put the issue in a broader context for why it was important for team members to be on time. It allowed him to begin with a focus for the conversation that he was sure Melissa wanted also and one where he could point at all the positive ways she was already contributing.

It also made him wonder if there were other things that could be done to build cohesion and how he could better contribute to that. Were there things he might have done differently to set the stage for success? By not doing them, had he set Melissa up for failure? That consideration influenced his state of mind and openness when Melissa arrived for their one-on-one meeting. Mark started the conversation by saying, “Melissa, I want to ensure that we have a strong team grounded in trust, responsiveness, mutual respect, and cohesion because I think it will allow us to be remarkably successful together. What do you think?” Melissa replied with some hesitation, as she wasn’t sure where this was going, “I agree; I hope I am contributing to that.”

Mark responded, “I hope I’m doing all I can to contribute to that as well, but I’m not so sure I am. I’m glad you and I are on the same page with this. You do excellent work, and your input is very important to our team. You certainly are contributing to our success. I am noticing something that may interfere with this, and I’m curious about it because it’s not like you. I’m sensing some frustration among team members during our Wednesday early morning meetings. When you’re not there or when something isn’t turned in on time, it means they can’t move forward because you have important information to share. Is there something about Wednesday morning that is problematic?”

Melissa felt embarrassed, but it seemed that Mark was open to her input. So she shared, “The meetings I’m late for are scheduled at 8:00 a.m. on Wednesdays, and I have a very difficult time getting here on time on that day. That’s the only day I drop my son, Connor, at day care. All other days, my husband takes him, but he can’t on Wednesdays. If we could schedule our standing meeting for 8:30 or 9:00 a.m., or for any other day, I can assure you I’ll be on time.”

Mark looked shocked, then asked, “Is that all it will take? Surely, we can find another time. We’ll reschedule at our next meeting.” He realized he’d never asked people about the timing of the meeting.

“And, about deadlines,” added Melissa, “I hate it when I miss deadlines too; that’s not the kind of reputation I want to be known for. I’ll admit sometimes I’m just late, and I need to work on being timely. However, there are times when members of the team set deadlines without understanding what it will take to meet those deadlines. I should probably speak up when I know it’s not likely I can meet that deadline, but I feel like I’ll be letting the team down if I don’t try.”

Recognizing that his leadership played a role in this dynamic, Mark responded, “I want you to know that each of us owns a piece of the responsibility here. I need to take some ownership for not involving employees in decisions about meetings, and the team needs to make sure that whenever deadlines are set, everyone affected by those deadlines will be in on the conversation. I will take responsibility for addressing this at our next meeting. For your part, Melissa, in the future, please speak up if you think that a deadline is unrealistic, even if it’s been set and if you were not present at the time. Doing that actually makes you a better team player. Either we can change the deadline or the team can help brainstorm how they might support you in meeting that deadline. Will that work for you?”

You can readily see that Mark’s positive framing and his genuine question at the outset turned a potentially critical conversation into a productive and meaningful one. It helped him shift his body-mindset, priming him to connect. It also grounded the overall conversation in an outcome that both he and Melissa wanted. You can also see the power of beginning with generative questions that make the invisible visible. Melissa’s answer to his question took the conversation in a different direction than he had initially anticipated. His openness transformed the conversation. To practice this yourself, use our simple three-step flipping process. This is shown in figure 4.2.

Step 1. Name it: What is the problem, complaint, challenge, or the thing you don’t want?

Step 2. Flip it: What is the positive opposite?

Step 3. Frame it: What is the positive impact if the flip were to be true? What is the desired outcome that everyone in the conversation wants?

A note of caution when it comes to creating a positive frame. We often approach a problem with preconceived ideas about a solution or with personal biases (remember the iceberg). Here we run the risk of diving into our positive frame with very little awareness. George’s situation is a prime example.

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Figure 4.2 Flipping: Framing a Conversation Worth Having

George was frustrated that his daughter had dropped out of school, wasn’t looking for work, and was holed up in her room. He believed college was important if she was going to be successful in life. He also suspected that if she got out and looked for a job, she’d realized she needed to return to college. He brought these unconscious beliefs into his efforts to create a positive frame. He was proud of himself for using the flip, but his conversation was definitely not worth having. It ended as a critical conversation with him once again asking questions like “How far in life do you think you’ll get without a degree?” What went wrong? Here was George’s flip:

Name it: Alexa dropped out of school.

Flip it: Alexa is back in school.

Frame it: Alexa recognizes that her future depends upon going to college.

George started with an intention to persuade Alexa to return to college; he had an agenda that was driven by his beliefs. As you might imagine, this positive frame backfired.

When reframing a conversation, it’s important to have an open mind and to create a frame that will inspire everyone involved in the conversation. This often begins by tuning in and asking yourself, “Where am I?” Tuning in and asking generative questions helps you clarify the real issue. If you already have a specific solution or idea for an action, like George, you limit your ability to create a more inviting frame.

George didn’t give up. During their argument, Alexa had asked him a question that made him realize he hadn’t really created a positive frame. Just before storming out of the room she asked, “Do you honestly care about my happiness, Dad, or just your idea of what happiness is? You don’t even know why I dropped out!” George realized he’d been trying to persuade Alexa with his frame instead of engaging her in a meaningful conversation. Her question inspired him to tune in. Left in the room by himself, he took a deep breath and got curious about his assumptions and beliefs. He realized he didn’t really know his daughter—what she wanted or what brought her happiness. He was missing a lot of information and decided he needed to start their conversation with generative questions (to make the invisible visible and create shared understanding). He also wanted Alexa to understand that he’d taken her question to heart, and he wanted to frame the overall interaction around an outcome he hoped she would want as well. He tried the flip again:

Name it: I don’t know what matters to Alexa or what makes her happy.

Flip it: I do know what matters to Alexa and what makes her happy.

Frame it: Alexa and I are developing a much stronger relationship, and I know how to support her.

This time he began the conversation by saying, “Alexa, I apologize for our last conversation. What is most important to me is to develop a strong relationship with you and to know how I can best support you.” He then began to ask generative questions that arose out of genuine curiosity: “When are you most happy, what are you doing and who are you with? Tell me about a time when you were at your best; what did you value most about yourself and others at that time?” As she answered these questions, he watched her come alive for the first time in a long time. He began to see the intelligent and competent young woman she was becoming. He realized what made life meaningful for her was entirely different from what he wanted for her or what made his life meaningful. The more they talked, the more clearly she (and her dad) understood why she’d dropped out and what her next options might be. There had been a significant shift for both of them. So much so, the next morning, for the first time since she’d arrived home, she joined the family for breakfast and announced she was going to look for work.

When you create a positive frame, check back and make sure the conversation you will be inspiring actually addresses the original issue. Sometimes we get excited about a frame and begin the conversation only to discover that, though it’s a conversation worth having, it’s not really resolving the issue that needs to be addressed. Once you’ve created a frame, reflect on it to make sure that it will resolve or dissolve the original issue. For example, Melissa’s tardiness dissolves as a problem when she and her boss discover that the real issue is scheduling, and her late work is resolved in their agreement that in the future she will speak up about deadlines. In George’s first frame, Alexa was not going to recognize she needed to return to college; the frame was not going to solve what he originally thought was the problem. In George’s second try, the original issue was resolved, and a lot of other positive outcomes occurred as well.

Clients have told us creating a positive frame can be challenging. In response, we offer a program called Monday Kick-starters in which people share an issue and then everyone on the call practices creating a positive frame and crafting generative questions. We cover two to three issues per session, and these are recorded and transcribed into blog posts on our website (conversationsworthhaving.today). There you can read many more examples of using flipping to create a positive frame and generative questions to foster these conversations.

Positive framing is helping thousands of people optimally set the tone and direction of their conversations and redirect the focus of any depreciative interaction they encounter. This simple practice lays the groundwork for better relationships and a more effective work environment. It is important to point out that while you can reframe any conversation, it takes willingness on the part of all those involved to participate. Most of the time, people are delighted to focus on what they want. However, if you are engaged in a destructive relationship, one where the other is intent on staying in a destructive or critical conversation, the only option may be to leave that conversation or where possible add others to the conversation. Find a trusted colleague or friend to have an appreciative, inquiry-based conversation about how you can take needed action either to keep yourself safe or to effectively mitigate the negative dynamic.

As we mentioned at the outset, generative questions and positive framing are woven together in an appreciative and inquiry-based interaction. As you begin playing with these two practices, ask yourself: Am I open and curious? Does what I am about to say or ask add value? Am I fueling productive and meaningful engagement? Am I initiating an appreciative tone and positive direction?

Our questions and framing are fateful. They influence our conversations. And those conversations affect both our well-being and our potential to thrive. Conversations fueled by positivity and generativity ignite individual and collective energy. They broaden and build our capacity to innovate and act together with others for desired outcomes. Try asking generative questions and using positive framing wherever you can. Pay attention to the outcomes. You will see that these two practices facilitate effective and efficient change for you and others in your family, organization, and communities.

In the next chapter, we’ll share five rules that will help you tune in more deeply so you can use these two practices most effectively. As we will show, the five AI principles helped Daniel, Ravi, and several other clients expand their ability to engage in conversations that were definitely worth having.

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