8
Any Time, Any Place, Any Situation
Your conversations help create your world. Speak of delight, not dissatisfaction. Speak of hope, not despair. Let your words bind up wounds, not cause them.
—Tao Te Ching
Appreciative Inquiry is a strengths-based, enlivening approach used to discover the best in people, organizations, and the communities around them. AI research has shown that systems (of self, teams, organizations, and communities) move in the direction of the questions people ask. AI initiates positive emotions and opens the doorway to unimagined possibilities for those who experience this way of being in and making sense of the world. This way of being is perhaps best described by Jane Magruder Watkins, who was a senior AI practitioner, organization development consultant, and author, who said, AI is “a habit of mind, heart, and imagination that searches for the success, the life-giving force rather than disaster and despair.”1 Starting appreciative and inquiry-based conversations is basically a matter of tuning in and choosing to use the two simple practices: asking generative questions and creating a positive frame. When following the AI principles becomes second nature, you will naturally initiate productive and meaningful interactions most of the time.
Getting Started with the Basic Practices
We have invited you to develop a new conversation habit, which depends upon your ability to be intentional with your words. The single most important way to start fostering conversations worth having is to tune in on a regular basis. The following are some exercises to help you get started.
1. Tune in: Pause, breathe, and get curious on a regular basis. Ask yourself, “Where am I? Where is the other person? What am I curious about? What do I want to happen?” The more aware you are of your present body-mindset, the more capable you are of being deliberate with your words, tone, and intent.
2. Observe conversations at home and work: Try this exercise for at least a day before you start intentionally practicing generative questions and positive framing (though it might be hard to stop yourself if you’ve read this far!):
• Get an index card and label one side “positive” and the reverse side “negative.” After each conversation you observe or have (regardless of how long or short and whether you are observing others or having a conversation with yourself or someone else), put a tick mark on the side representing whether it was an appreciative (positive) or a depreciative (negative) conversation. If it was a conversation you participated in, jot down a couple of words to remind yourself of how you felt during and after the interaction and whether it was worthwhile overall. If it was a conversation you observed, write down a few notes about where you were and what the tone and the direction of the interaction were. Note your observation of people’s body language.
• At the end of the day, reflect on your conversations and those you observed. You might also reflect on how you feel about the day and what you’ve accomplished.
• You can calculate your positivity ratio by adding up the total positive versus negative conversations you had. If your ratio is less than 3:1, it’s time to change your conversations. Fortunately, there’s a simple way to do that!
• Do you notice a difference between the nature of the conversations you have with yourself, your family, and others?
3. Notice the difference between problem-solving and Appreciative Inquiry: If you’re an effective problem-solver, you’ve probably been rewarded for that quality throughout your life. We are not suggesting that you give up this very effective skill. Rather, we ask you to be aware of when an appreciative approach might be more effective. We invite you to experience the difference between finding a solution using a more traditional problem-solving approach and using an appreciative approach. To confirm the power of this comparison, try the following exercise several times today or tomorrow:
• When you are with people, consciously identify problems. Come up with solutions or ask problem-solving questions. Observe others’ reactions and responses. Problem-solving questions typically entail asking about what’s wrong, what’s not working, and why. Notice the dynamics of these conversations. Observe subtle body language, as well as the tone and direction of the conversation. Along these same lines, if someone presents you with a problem, begin brainstorming solutions and notice how the conversation flows.
• Then, consciously shift toward a positive frame by asking generative questions. Generative questions seek to make the invisible visible, create shared understanding, generate new knowledge, and expand possibility. If someone else suggests the problem, ask them a generative question to flip the focus—for example, “This project is never going to work with the way it’s designed.” A generative question might be “What changes could we make so it would work?” Again, notice what happens to the dynamics of the conversation. Pay attention to changes in body language, the energy level, and the tone and direction of the conversation. This can be especially powerful when someone presents you with a problem they are trying to solve. It might be helpful to first find out what they really want.
• What emotions and feelings do these different ways of engaging in conversations generate—for you and for others? If you’re a great problem-solver, such conversations might be energizing for you. What about others in the conversation? Which of these approaches builds stronger relationships among everyone? Makes room for everyone? Inspires the most innovative solutions?
Life-Changing Outcomes
The following are examples of ways people engage in conversation both before and after they learn about the two practices. Which ones are conversations worth having?
With Yourself
Before: Why didn’t I get more accomplished today? How will I ever get this done if I don’t take it home? I am exhausted but need to bring the report home with me. I am so tired of working at home every night. It’s got to get done, and there’s no one else to help me and no way I’ll be ready for the meeting at 10:00 a.m.
After: I need to get this report finished by tomorrow, and today is gone! How can I be the most effective and efficient in knocking this thing out by 10 a.m. tomorrow? What will it take to finish it? I can just get here early tomorrow morning; that will do it!
With Your Partner/Spouse
Before: I’m not happy. You’re always exhausted, and I’m tired of just watching TV. Why don’t we ever do anything?
After: You know, we used to do more things together, and I really loved those times. I miss them. Remember when we ________? What would it take to start doing some of those things again?
With Your Children
Before: Why aren’t you home on time? You’ve got to stop getting in so late at night after curfew. Perhaps grounding you for a week is what you need!
After: I really need you to be in by curfew. We have good reasons for wanting you home by that time. Not to mention that I worry when you don’t make it in. Sometimes you do manage to get here on time. What is it about those occasions that enables you to get home on time? How can we make sure that happens more often? I want to know you are safe. What can we both do to make sure I don’t worry if you’re running late?
With Colleagues
Before: These missed deadlines are a real problem for the department. Why are you late? If you can’t do the work, we can give it to someone who can.
After: Do you agree that when we get our projects accomplished efficiently and on time we’re in a better position to achieve our goals? What do you need to help you make sure your work on the project is completed on time?
With Government
Before: Why is there so much divisiveness between our citizens?
After: Which organizations are working to bridge the divide in this country? How can we bring that activity to our own community?
Simply altering the way in which you frame a situation and the questions you ask will change any interaction and the outcome. To generate big change and worthwhile outcomes, generative questions and positive framing have proven themselves, even in the most difficult of situations. At the time of our writing this book, many seeds of division and negativity are being sown into our national and global conversations. It is our hope that you might become a sower of conversations worth having in your communities and workplaces, especially across the polar divides that have emerged. This is where asking generative questions and practicing positive framing can actually begin to mend and even strengthen the fabric of our communities and nations, within and across our borders.
This may mean looking for the opportunity or the means to bring out the best even in a bad situation. It may also mean asking, “What is of value in this terrible thing that happened?” It may require first that you reflect on your own beliefs and ways of understanding, and then that you open the door for something new and meaningful to emerge. The AI principles will guide you here.
Playing by the Rules
Principles are “fundamental rules or truths that have application across the wide field of human interaction and engagement.”2 The principles introduced in chapter 5 are true, whether we are aware of them or not. They are true, regardless of our actions. They can be predictive of the outcomes of our actions. Their predictive nature is what makes them valuable. When we become aware of the principles, we can use them to enhance our ability to foster meaningful engagement.
You are likely to first bump up against the principles as you start to practice generative questions and positive framing. If you recall, Ravi at the tech company in India had a positive frame and asked generative questions, yet he ended up in a depreciative conversation. He bumped up against the principles—the rules. Successful application of the practices means following these principles to help you align your thoughts and feelings with your framing, language, and desired outcomes. Remember the following about the AI principles:
1. Constructionist Principle: Understanding, interpersonal dynamics, meaning, and ultimately our social reality are created through language and in conversation. Playing by this rule means
• Reflecting on the meaning you are bringing to an interaction
• Choosing to hold your viewpoint lightly and staying open
• Choosing words that allow for the creation of new meaning and understanding with others
2. Simultaneity Principle: Change happens the moment a question is asked or a statement is made. Playing by this rule means
• Being mindful of your words and choosing language that aligns with your intentions
• Paying attention to how your words are affecting yourself and others
• Asking generative questions to clarify other people’s intention behind their words instead of simply reacting to them
3. Poetic Principle: Every person, organization, or situation can be seen and understood from many perspectives. Playing by this rule means
• Staying open and avoiding judgment
• Recognizing that what you are focused on is only part of the picture
• Attending to possibilities (instead of delving deeply into “fixing” things), moments of joy (instead of ruminating on fear or worry), and sources of energy and momentum (instead of inertia)
• Recognizing that you have a choice in how you interpret what happens in your life
4. Anticipatory Principle: The images and thoughts we hold influence our intention and conversation. Playing by this rule means
• Expecting positive outcomes
• Anticipating what you want instead of fearing what you don’t want
• Looking for the opportunity, the good, the true, and the beautiful
5. Positive Principle: The more positive and generative the question, the more positive and long-lasting the outcomes. Playing by this rule means
• Asking bold, generative questions that elicit strong, affirmative images of possibility
These principles reinforce the idea that everything we think, say, and do moves us and those around us in one way or another. These principles underscore and drive our conversations, whether we realize it or not. Aligning our thoughts and feelings with a positive frame enables generative questions to flow naturally.
In any situation, you have many possible options to pose generative questions and use positive framing. You can ask questions that generate ideas or best practices, seek clarity and understanding, solicit personal strengths, or search for times when something is working well or someone is at their best.
From everyday personal life challenges to even complex challenges at work and in communities, practicing generative questions and positive framing, informed by the AI principles, is an excellent way to sustain conversations worth having and to fuel productive and meaningful engagement.
The Next Conversation
This book has been about choosing to increase opportunity as well as your awareness, aliveness, creativity, meaning, and joy by intentionally engaging in conversations worth having. We can do this by tuning in and intentionally using two simple practices guided by the AI principles. As David Cooperrider remarks, “It is in the depth of our connections and conversations with others that we change ourselves and our relationships, one conversation at a time.”3 In this final chapter, we emphasize the key learnings that come alive in the stories we have shared:
• Your invisible resting body-mindset heavily influences your conversations.
• Ideas, words, and actions have impact. Be mindful how you use them in your conversations so that they have a positive impact.
• Conversations create images, which in turn create the blueprint for our future. They are compelling. Create the most positive images by asking the most generative questions.
• You have many options for a conversation (critical, destructive, affirmative, and great). Choose to foster conversations worth having.
• Nothing is static. Everything is dynamic and fluid. It’s not about you. And it’s not about the other. Rather, it’s about the intersection of the two—the conversation—and that can change in a heartbeat.
At times, we—the authors—still find ourselves caught up in “ain’t it awful?” conversations. We still point out what’s wrong with things. When we recognize what we’re doing, we shake our heads and realize we are still developing these habits to induce productive and meaningful engagement. Only then can we release the self-criticism that holds us back. We encourage you to have this kind of compassion for yourself—as well as for others who join you in this adventure.
If you made it this far in the book, you know what it takes to engage in conversations worth having. Changing how you ask questions or frame situations will, of course, not happen overnight. However, with commitment and daily practice, you will experience the positive effect, and ultimately this way of being will actually become you. Committing yourself to conversations worth having will change your life, your work, and your world. These kinds of conversations have the potential to create big change—change that can influence your life and the world for the better.
To support your journey, we offer Conversation Bootcamps, self-directed online learning opportunities, certification, Monday Kickstarters, and a variety of products to support mastery. You can find information about these, along with our free conversation tool kit, on our website: conversationsworthhaving.today.
Every conversation is a series of defining moments that shape and change us.
Our final story tells how AI can turn even the most difficult conversation into one that is worthwhile. This story was written by Jackie’s daughter, Ally, and describes her experience, at the age of thirteen, shortly after the family’s three-week hiking vacation was unexpectedly canceled.4 Ally’s story shows us that we can ask life-giving questions even in not-so-life-giving moments. She began:
Things started off perfectly the day before we were to leave, except that my dad had been complaining about stomach pain. I selfishly hoped this would not affect our vacation. The afternoon before our trip, I learned how drastically wrong I was. The trip was immediately canceled.
My dad was diagnosed with stage four lymphoma. He had a 50 percent chance of surviving. He was in the hospital for most of the summer. My mom stayed with him the entire time. This was the first time without our parents. My younger brother, Adam, and I were shuffled from relative to relative and could only visit my dad once a week for a short amount of time.
I was terrified of what might happen. I had no idea what I was going to do if he was suddenly ripped away. I tried to have a brave face, but I was scared. I thought, “What if the chemotherapy won’t work, and what if he dies?” I tried to push these thoughts in my mind away, but these thoughts were there all the time. During the day, I went through the motions—I smiled when people talked to me and nodded like I was listening, but I really was not there. I never heard what people said to me. I walked around appearing normal on the outside but scared and confused on the inside.
I remember asking my mom, “Is Dad going to die?” I wanted her to say, “No, Ally, everything will be fine.” She did not; she said, “Ally, we are all going to die someday, but for now we just have to stay positive and appreciate what is.” But that was it—no assurance my dad would be fine. At the time, this was hard to swallow, because all I wanted her to say was that my dad was going to be just fine. That wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but, strangely, it gave me some comfort. My mom trusted me enough to tell me the truth.
I remember the conversation with my mom. “How can I appreciate what is? This whole situation stinks,” I blurted out. “Yes, it does, honey,” she responded, acknowledging my feelings. Then, my mom did what she always does when I am sad or frustrated: She changed the conversation. “Tell me about your favorite moment with your dad,” she asked, as if it were the most natural question in the world. Caught off guard again for a minute, I had to stop and think. I said, “I like when Dad and I are in the kitchen baking and playing our favorite music.”
“Ally, what else do you like most about your dad?” she asked with a heart-filled smile. That was easy. I said, “I like how he sits on the front porch with me and we watch the sun go down.”
“Yes, I like that too,” she mused. “What do you think your dad likes most about you?”
“I think he likes how I make him laugh,” I said, smiling inwardly as I suddenly had a mental image of my dad spitting milk out of his mouth after I made him laugh.
“Oh, yes, he definitely likes the way you make him laugh,” my mother assured me. “I’ll tell you what, Ally: Tonight, I want you to sit on the porch and watch the sun go down. While you are doing that, I will push your dad up to the hospital window, and we will watch it too. This is perfect; our front porch faces east to the hospital and your dad’s hospital window faces west. That way you can both be watching the sun set, just from different places. How does that sound?” she asked.
“Yes, Mom, I think I would like that,” I answered, feeling strange that suddenly I was looking forward to the coming evening. She gave me a hug, and I watched her drive away again back to the hospital. As she drove away, I found myself smiling again, thinking about what a great conversation we had in such a bad time.
Now, as I look back on the talks we had, I realized my mom’s secret formula was that she was always honest with me. She never told me “Things are going to be fine” or “It will all be back to normal soon.” I knew that if my mom said it, then it was the truth and not just something to make me feel better. At first, it felt a little like this was just being positive, but then I realized these conversations were about what is, what could be, and what might be. I truly learned to focus on the things about my dad that could help him get through his treatments and regain his desire for living. Now, three years later, my dad is back at work, and we are watching the sunset from our porch again. AI helped us get through the dark moments, helping us draw on our strengths and restoring our faith. It was a lesson that was hard to grasp as a thirteen-year-old, but I was fortunate—I grew up in a household that embraced the ideals of Appreciative Inquiry for my entire life.
This experience really changed me because I learned to live with an appreciative mindset. Drawing on AI in desperate times at first did not make sense to me. I cannot tell you that I am a better person because of it, but I can tell you that I am a different person. It was a turning point for me—a time when my thinking shifted from “what about me?” to “what can I do to help my parents and others?” I learned to accept responsibility and to cope with the idea of potentially losing someone I will love forever. When I have to go through this again, I know where and how to start the conversation.
This story has a positive ending. Paul, her father, is doing great. He is in remission, and the life of everyone in her family has returned to a “new normal.” Ally got to be a teenager again and became a most appreciative one. She learned how to handle a tough situation through the power of inquiry from an appreciative perspective. She shared:
I learned to be appreciative, have faith, and not lose hope. Today, I look at situations with an appreciative lens, which is easy to do when things are going well but quite the challenge when things are not. I try to see what is good and what can be in just about any situation, and most of all appreciate what I have.
Ally’s story illustrates how all of us can have a sense of well-being, hope, and joy even at difficult times. Appreciation and inquiry are the most essential concepts in creating powerfully positive conversations worth having. Recall the stories we have shared with you and how each person in them learned to create a positive shift. They simply practiced positive framing. The resulting conversations invited engagement and produced positive outcomes. They created environments in which people could show up as their best selves. Human systems are either degenerating or growing and evolving toward the future. Why not make it a future that has the potential to work for everyone? We are offering a simple way to do precisely that.
Writing this book has been a humbling and collaborative learning process. Most of the time, we engaged in productive and meaningful conversations about our work. There were, of course, moments when we disagreed or diverged on an idea. Tuning in and coming back to practice what we were writing about at these challenging moments proved to be an amazing experience. We discovered that it is truly delightful when something simple works so well. Plus, we have been helped immensely along our journey by engaging those in our communities: family members, Berrett-Koehler (our publisher), colleagues, and friends.
As we mentioned at the outset, we consider ourselves continuous learners in this adventure called life. We want to hear your questions, comments, thoughts, suggestions, and ideas for starting and sustaining conversations worth having in your life. Please consider joining our CWH community and visit our website, www.conversationsworthhaving.today. Join our Facebook group and share your own stories about how you are generating positive change.
There are many possible worlds out there. The probability that any one of them comes into being depends on our conversations. What kind of conversations will you have next?