CHAPTER 2

Crazy Coaching Beliefs

If you are following a formula or model, you aren’t really coaching.

—MARCIA REYNOLDS

SOME COACHES, COACHING schools, and credentialing organizations don’t follow the ICF coaching competencies and get amazing results. No matter what theoretical framework they draw from, if they predominantly use reflective inquiry, I support their approaches. The essence of coaching is congruent with the practices taught in this book no matter their philosophy and implementation.

There isn’t one right way to coach. If your practice encourages your clients to self-reflect and generate insight, we are speaking the same language. If you don’t know all the answers and are comfortable with not knowing, we can disagree on competencies while agreeing on the power of coaching.

Conversely, certain beliefs and judgments about coaching belittle our work and hurt our profession. Some assumptions steer leaders away from using a coaching approach in their conversations. Some coaches plateau in their development when they adhere to rigid rules about how they ask questions or think they have to use a model with specific steps to coach well.

At least five crazy coaching beliefs have thrown the value of coaching offtrack. I will explain each one, why all of them may be true sometimes, and how they limit the effectiveness of coaching when interpreted as rigid rules. I will also offer an alternative opinion for each belief and show how it works within the framework of the coaching relationship.

CRAZY BELIEF #1: IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO BE REALLY GOOD AT COACHING

Where the Belief Comes From

New coaches love seeing demonstrations by experienced coaches. Even if the experienced coach breaks down how the coaching was done after the session—what clues she picked up; what contradictions, emotional shifts, and repeated words she noticed; and what beliefs stood out as significant to confront—the observers declare the session a magic act.

Observing a performance by someone who has thousands of hours of practice conjures both awe and doubt—awe for the mastery and doubt by less experienced coaches that they can ever achieve the feat themselves. This is especially true when the person demonstrating the coaching doesn’t consider the developmental level of the audience. The demonstration shows off the coach’s skills more than providing a learning experience. Observers are scared into thinking they can’t actively coach until they are “good enough.”

In addition to observing demonstrations, coaches working to earn their credentials must receive mentoring. Mentoring, whether with a group or one-on-one, includes feedback. As described in the previous chapter, feedback induces stress and can decrease confidence. The mentoring is meant to help—it usually does—yet the process can add to the belief that coaching takes a long time to learn.

What Is True about the Belief

Undoing habits of thinking takes time. Both new and experienced coaches want to feel helpful and useful, which is why they jump to finding solutions before exploring context and blocks. Undoing the tendency to leap to options takes deliberate practice and patience. Being comfortable with just being curious requires the willingness to feel uncomfortable with not knowing the answers.

There is a reason that it takes hundreds of coaching hours to earn a credential. So far, no one has invented a magic pill that lets people instantly master coaching ability. Practice is necessary. To achieve levels of mastery, there is no substitute for consistently coaching and hiring coaching mentors to help you progress.

Every year since I started, I become a better coach. I may have been a good coach years ago, but good coaching gets better as I continue to coach, teach, and mentor. Mastery is a journey with no ending.

What Is Not True and Limiting

Don’t listen when your brain tells you you shouldn’t coach until you finish your coach training and feel confident about your skills.

When I started teaching coaching skills a few years into my business, I painfully saw the gaps in my coaching as I taught others how to coach. Yet even in my first few years of coaching imperfectly, my client testimonials were glowing. My clients felt safe enough with me to talk things through. They felt stronger about their choices and plans. They saw their context and blocks more clearly through my limited use of coaching.

You do not have to wait before you coach. Even new coaches provide a great service if the conversation feels safe and judgment free. Don’t wait until you feel confident enough to coach people outside your family or coaching peers. Every adult can benefit from a thinking partner.

Alternative Opinion

There is no perfect coach. You start, and then with practice, good mentoring, and continuous learning, you discover the power of coaching well. You have to coach to improve your skills.

I believe all people who want to coach well should get solid coach training, preferably from an accredited school or recognized academic program. Just because your family and friends say you should be a coach doesn’t mean you were born with the skills. You might be a good, empathic listener. This is a great foundation to build on. Learning the five essential practices in this book will help, but the skills are best learned from qualified coach trainers.

Once you learn the basics, go coach. If you resist giving advice, you won’t cause harm. As my mentor used to say, “No one ever died from coaching.”

What makes coaching so powerful is the relationship between the coach and client. That is why this book provides three mental habits to make your five essential practices effective. If clients feel safe with you, you create the circumstances for learning to happen even when your skills aren’t developed. If you believe in their ability to think through their dilemmas; if you learn how to catch and release your judgments and fears; and then you stay patient, curious, and sincerely care about them, they will find value in coaching.

CRAZY BELIEF #2: QUESTIONS ARE NEEDED TO CREATE A BREAKTHROUGH OR NEW AWARENESS

Where the Belief Comes From

Although the use of reflective statements is taught by many coaching schools, questions still win the popularity contest. Some schools teach that coaching is only a series of open-ended questions. Popular books tout the best questions for leaders and coaches to use. When a coach demonstrates coaching, observers often highlight the best questions asked. They don’t recall the reflective statements that prompted self-reflection. The powerful question gets the glory.

What Is True about the Belief

A good question can disturb people’s equilibrium enough to test the validity or absurdity of their thoughts and beliefs. Instead of thinking about a problem, they examine the thinking that made the issue a problem. Instead of quickly considering options and actions, they stop and reflect on their beliefs and perceptions, which can change their view on what actions to take.

Every action we take has a reason. We don’t recognize the faults in our reasoning unless someone questions our thinking. Questions help us assess our beliefs and perceptions against the context and possibilities in a way we can’t do for ourselves.

What Is Not True and Limiting

Don’t believe people who say coaching and asking questions are synonymous.

Coaching is a process of inquiry, not a series of questions. The intent of inquiry is to provoke critical thinking to discern gaps in logic, evaluate the value of beliefs, and clarify fears, doubts, and desires affecting our outlook and behavior.

Some people think sticking to questions keeps coaches from slanting the conversation with their opinions and biases. Yet even questions can be tainted by opinions and biases, leading the client to the coach’s way of thinking. Plus the time it takes to conjure up a good stand-alone question takes away from one’s coaching presence.

Coaching as a series of questions can feel like an interrogation, damaging trust and rapport. Without reflective statements, questions feel more like an impersonal formula than a spontaneous process.

Alternative Opinion

The opposite of giving advice is not asking questions. The use of reflective statements, such as summarizing, encapsulating, and sharing observed emotional shifts as described in the following chapters, can be more powerful than seeking the magical question. Hearing someone restate your words can be shocking, especially if you have been saying the same words for years. Having someone share the emotions you attach to different ideas and hold out the contradictions in your statements for you to witness can break down defenses of ancient beliefs more effectively than a provocative question.

Adding reflective statements to questions makes coaching feel more natural and effortless. When the coach first reflects words and expressions and then asks a question, the question is more likely to arise out of curiosity, not memory.

When you are racking your brain to remember a good question, you are in your head and not present. You miss when clients tell you what they really want or when they reveal the belief or fear that is paralyzing. Being present is more important than being perfect.

CRAZY BELIEF #3: THE COACH MUST ASK ONLY OPEN, NOT CLOSED, QUESTIONS

Where the Belief Comes From

Closed questions tend to generate one-word yes or no answers. Whether learning coaching, counseling, law, journalism, or any other practice where you need a person to provide information, the texts tout the use of open-ended questions to get full answers. Some coaching schools prohibit the use of closed questions. People who assess the recordings of coaching sessions to determine if the coach performed well enough to earn an ICF credential will count the number of open and closed questions to ensure more open questions are used. Many coaches declare closed questions are the antithesis of good coaching and negatively judge an experienced coach who uses them.

What Is True about the Belief

One-word answers to questions shut down instead of open up a conversation. These moments can make the coach uncomfortable, feeling there is nowhere to go in the conversation. The coach may even repeat the closed question to verify the answer while desperately thinking about what to say next.

The use of closed questions with clients at the beginning of a coaching relationship can be deadly. If clients don’t trust the coach, closed questions allow them to maintain their defenses. They won’t look into their thoughts. They deflect attempts to explore their beliefs. They won’t reveal the emotions they feel other than irritation with the coach.

Closed questions can also be leading statements in disguise. When coaches think they know what clients should do, they will use a closed question to force a perspective. Examples of suggestions disguised as questions start with “Have you tried . . .” or “What if you were to . . .” The coach might offer a good idea but deter clients from thinking through situations themselves. Clients might take the suggestion to please the coach.

Open questions that start with what, where, when, how, and who will get more than one-word responses. Open, exploratory questions incite a deeper look at what is prompting behavior or inaction. Even reluctant clients might recognize the limits of their perspective when asked open questions.

What Is Not True and Limiting

Don’t believe people when they say closed questions get closed answers in all situations; they are used only by inexperienced coaches.

A client had left her job to recover from burnout. She enjoyed fixing up her house, playing with her child, and traveling with friends for six months. Then the restlessness kicked in. She asked her coach to help her decide what she should do next. The coach asked her questions about what she most missed about her last job and the parts she hoped she would never have to do again.

The coach summarized, “You love creating new things with a team of competent people. You don’t care for development conversations with lower level employees. Is this true?” She answered, “Exactly,” and went on to further describe what she loved most about her last position. The coach then asked, “Does this reflection give you any idea about what you want to create now?” The client said, “Yes,” and went on to describe what an ideal job would look like. The coach then said, “You clearly miss working with a team on exciting new projects. You could do this freelancing, but you kept putting yourself inside an organization when you described your ideal situation. Have you already decided to focus on landing a new job as your next step?” The client sighed, agreed, and explained her fears. Three closed questions led to further exploration.

When the coach has a strong relationship with the client, closed questions can be just as provocative as open questions. The purpose of questions is to disrupt a pattern or flow of thinking and prompt deeper exploration. The focus of a question should be on whether it opens or closes the client’s mind. As long as the question furthers the conversation, it shouldn’t matter how it is structured.

Alternative Opinion

Closed questions are effective in at least three situations: (1) to help clarify what clients want to resolve in the coaching, (2) to affirm if a reflective statement is accurate, and (3) to prompt clients when it is clear they have had a startling insight but they aren’t speaking. In the last case, a question such as “Has something shifted for you?” might give them the push they need to articulate what they now see.

One of the five essential practices—goaltending—is to unwrap and clarify the desired outcome. After hearing the client’s story, the coach needs to know what is important for the client to achieve in the session. The coach might use closed questions to affirm the direction of the conversation. Then, while telling his story, the client might reveal two or more outcomes he would like to manifest. The coach summarizes the options presented and then invites the client to choose one outcome to work on first. While exploring what needs to be achieved, resolved, or understood for the client to move forward, a new more important outcome might show up, such as building confidence, changing a habit, or accepting an uncomfortable reality. The coach then asks if the client wants to shift the outcome based on what was revealed. These closed questions offer clarity and confirmation.

Closed questions can be used to test the validity of a reflective statement. For example, when you summarize what is heard and expressed, notice shifts in emotions, or identify underlying beliefs or assumptions, you might ask if the client agrees with the summary, observation, or inference. Even in these situations, the client tends to provide more information, not a one-word answer.

When clients trust you are there to help them achieve something important to them, they will accept the discomfort of an edgy closed question. For example, if they realize their actions have been sabotaging their desires, you might ask, “Will you ever be content with the situation as it is?” or “Are you willing to look at what you might change to get what you really want?” or “Will you regret not taking action a year from now?” You might follow up these closed questions with an open question about what they want to look at or do next, but the closed question provides the push off the fence.

For closed questions to be effective, clients must know you believe they are smart and resourceful. They must know you are not trying to make them feel wrong or inadequate. Closed questions that follow summaries, such as, “Is this correct?” or “Do you want to change this pattern?” or “Do you know if your expectation is realistic?” can help crystalize thoughts if asked with sincere interest.

Quit condemning closed questions. They are good clarifiers and can provoke examination. Let’s bring them back into our training so coaches know how to use them well.

CRAZY BELIEF #4: REFLECTIVE STATEMENTS ARE TOO CONFRONTATIONAL

Where the Belief Comes From

Coaches are often relieved when they hear me use reflective statements, especially in the Americas and Europe. They say, “You can do that? That makes coaching so much easier!” They thought reflective statements, like closed questions, were wrong to use because they would lead the client to a specific answer.

The reaction to my frequent use of reflective statements is more profound in the Middle East and Asia. People in these regions equate reflective statements with direct communications. In their cultures, being direct with someone is confrontational and harmful. When I mentor these coaches, they tell me I don’t understand their cultures—it’s impolite to be so direct.

What Is True about the Belief

The emotions felt when delivering a reflective statement impact the reaction. If you don’t offer your statements with curiosity and care, clients may feel you are being confrontational.

If your intention is to show clients the fault in their thinking, they will feel manipulated. They will shut down.

When you feel impatient or uncomfortable, your reflective statements feel judgmental or pushy. Clients might feel you are criticizing them. They may retreat with irritation. Or they may become compliant, looking for you to tell them what to think and do differently.

What Is Not True and Limiting

Don’t accept the belief that reflective statements will lead the client in a specific direction; they are confrontational.

Feedback often feels hurtful. Abruptly responding to clients with advice or a judgmental view of their ideas will distance you from your clients, regardless of geographic location. Giving feedback and judging client responses are not the same as using the reflective statements taught in this book.

Alternative Opinion

If you actively replay the client’s expressed words and emotions with no attachment to being right or to provoking a specific response, you are not being overly directive. Reflective statements feel confrontational only when the coach is impatient or unsettled.

A reflective statement may challenge the substance of your clients’ beliefs, perplexing the brain in a way that feels uncomfortable, embarrassing, or confusing. If you remain calm, holding a quiet, safe space for clients to work through their emotions, the reaction fades. If you then ask them what they now understand, you help them articulate a more constructive perception that helps them find a way to move toward their desired outcome. Even if they are uncomfortable as they recognize how their thoughts and behaviors are limiting them, they feel more confident at the end of the coaching session.

CRAZY BELIEF #5: COACHING MUST ALWAYS HAVE A CLEAR OUTCOME OR VISION OF A DESIRED FUTURE

Where the Belief Comes From

I am not aware of any coach training that doesn’t include how to establish a desired outcome or goal of the coaching session. The Coaching Research Laboratory at the Weatherhead School of Management, Case Western Reserve University, touts the power of positive visioning in the coaching process.¹ When you have an end in mind, instead of focusing on a problem to be solved, the coaching moves toward a picture of what is possible. Focusing on a desired future keeps the conversation appreciative, making it inspiring, strength based, and self-directed.

What Is True about the Belief

One of the most important yet difficult aspects of coaching is to keep the conversation on track to a fulfilling resolution. Although the direction of coaching can change many times in one conversation, the final destination needs to be clarified for any sense of forward movement to be felt.

When the desired outcome of the coaching session stays vague, the conversation goes in circles. Clients might declare next steps, but they probably won’t implement them. They might have enjoyed talking about their problem in a safe space, but nothing was resolved.

What Is Not True and Limiting

It is not always true that the client must have a clear vision of a desired future at the start of the coaching conversation.

Clients are often unsure what they want from coaching at the outset. The best they can do is describe the decision that has them perplexed or the clarity they need about a situation.

Once, in a group mentoring session, the coach was urging the client to create a clear, positive picture of the future she wanted to create. The client said she wasn’t ready to do that. She wanted to talk about the options she had at the moment before she could determine which future she wanted to envision. The coach kept urging her to share what her best future looked like. The client defiantly resisted. The coach asked her to stand up and walk toward her future to see what might become clear. The client pursed her lips and started crying. I stopped the session before more damage was done.

The coach had been trained to create a clear, positive vision at the start of coaching. This made her performance formulaic. She no longer was present to her client’s needs. It’s not that a desired future wasn’t possible to imagine, it just wasn’t possible at that time.

Alternative Opinion

The outcome of a coaching conversation must be clear, but it often evolves as the coaching progresses. At the beginning of a session, clients might only be able to state a desire for clarity around what is making them feel stuck or unsure. As the session progresses, the fear, need, or conflict of values that is paralyzing their brains may emerge. From here, a new outcome may come to light. This new outcome will probably be more personal, such as “developing the confidence needed to take more risks.” The coaching shifts in this new direction. This shift can happen a few times in a session as clients sort deeper through their thoughts and emotions, revealing what they really want to happen and what is really getting in the way.

Also, success in a session may not always include steps toward a tangible outcome. You must meet your clients at the point where they are willing to go. Processing new information can take days. You should still get a commitment from clients on when and how they will take time to think about what occurred in the coaching. If they meet their commitment, they may make a decision or take significant steps before the next session.

Sometimes the best learning happens in the time between coaching sessions.