CHAPTER 4

ACTIVE REPLAY

Playing Back the Pivotal Pieces for Review

An experience makes its appearance only when it is being said.

—HANNAH ARENDT

WHEN WE USE reflective statements, we act as a dynamic mirror where clients can more objectively view their behavioral motivations and limiting beliefs. The recognition of these can be jarring. Using reflective statements is also the best way to prompt clients to think about what they are willing to do now that they better understand what needs to be resolved.

My first job after earning my master’s degree in broadcast communication arts was as the audio visual coordinator for a psychiatric hospital corporation. I was in charge of setting up the television sets, video players, and film projectors. I also operated the video recording equipment if there was a medical need to record a patient.

I was disappointed with the menial work I was doing after completing an advanced degree. While looking for a more fulfilling job, I was given an assignment that turned out to be one of the most fascinating experiences of my life.

My master’s thesis explored the effects video feedback had on a person’s self-esteem. First, I videotaped individuals talking about a topic. After I watched the replay with each person and we talked about what they would do differently to improve their presentation skills, they were given a few days to rehearse before I taped them again. We repeated this routine one more time, for a total of adding up to three recording and replay sessions per person.

I used an assessment to measure people’s self-esteem before and after the three sessions. My subjects were drug addicts and prison inmates as well as randomly selected graduate students to balance out the measures. After the third recording, the average measures spiked upward, demonstrating improvement, especially in self-awareness and confidence.

I shared my research with a psychiatric nurse who was looking for educational programs to show to her anorexic patients. She told me when her patients looked in a mirror, they only saw themselves as fat. She didn’t think the use of video would make a difference, but she said it would be interesting to try. She asked her attending psychiatrist if he felt there would be any harm in trying my process with the patients. He encouraged the experiment if he could to be present at the recordings.

The results in one session were amazing. The patients gasped as they viewed themselves on video. For the first time, they saw how ghostly thin they had become. They noticed physical disfiguration and skin problems they couldn’t see before.

Although they couldn’t see the truth in a static mirror, the patients saw the decimation of their bodies when they watched themselves on video replay. This active replay process opened the door to more treatment options.

What is commonly referred to as mirroring skills in coaching replicates the effect of video replay. Playing back your clients’ words and expressions and then asking a question that arises from your curiosity effectively provokes self-reflection. Yet unlike a mirror, you aren’t providing static replications. Your reflective statements and questions provide an active replay of not just their behaviors but also the beliefs, fears, disappointments, betrayals, conflicts of values, and desires prompting their actions.

Two skills are important in the practice of active replay: (1) summarizing key points the client said and (2) noticing emotional shifts without interpreting the meaning. Summarizing and sharing the emotions you notice include the subskills described in this chapter. Pairing these practices with clarifying and exploratory questions creates inquiry. Your exploration goes deeper into the sources of clients’ thought formation. The insights clients gain move them forward.

SUMMARIZING

Although summarizing may seem simplistic, the effects are powerful. When people hear their own words spoken, their ideas and beliefs are laid out in front of them to examine. They then go inward to reflect. From this vantage point, they glimpse what was a blind spot or see the inaccuracies in a belief. They are likely to pause, and possibly gasp, as the brain reorders, rewires, and formulates a new perspective to make meaning of what they now perceive.

The intent of summarizing is not to memorize and then parrot back what clients say. The aim is to help them objectively observe their stories and how they are telling them. When they hear themselves think, they can see their limited appraisal of actions, events, and options.

The practice of summarizing includes three skills: (1) recapping, (2) paraphrasing, and (3) encapsulating. You will often follow up summarizing statements with a question to confirm the accuracy of your words or the impact on the direction of the conversation, such as “How is this conflict affecting your ability to achieve your goal?” A good use of reflective inquiry is to summarize so clients hear their thoughts and then provoke examination with a question.

Recapping

One of my favorite phrases in coaching is, “So, you are telling me . . .” Then I restate the issue, problem, or outcome expressed and the key factors the client says is making it difficult to take action. The client will either agree or correct my perception without my asking a question.

Although you are highlighting, don’t leave out a jarring detail. Often a side comment expressed with a shift in emotion reveals the big belief that is creating the client’s block.

Case Study

My client was describing her disappointment with her husband for remaining in a night shift job for five years. She thought they agreed he would seek a day job when they had a child; they now had two children. He deflected her attempts to discuss this possibility.

I recapped by saying, “I hear that you want your husband to seek a new job, but he’s not interested in having this conversation with you.” She agreed. I then asked what deflect looked like. I wanted to better understand what was making the conversation difficult for her to initiate.

She said, “A year ago, I tried to talk about his getting a new job. He threw up a wall so big I’m scared to bring it up again. Now we don’t talk much about anything important. We spend little time together. When our time at home overlaps, he’s playing on his phone. I don’t know how to get in.”

I said, “I see. You want your husband to seek a new job, but his avoidance of this topic and your fear of his rejecting the conversation if you bring it up again is creating distance in your relationship. When you stressed the words ‘threw up a wall so big,’ that felt like the tipping point for you.”

Her anger melted to sadness. After a long pause and a soft yes, I invited her to choose the direction of our coaching. “Do you want to look at ways of effectively approaching a conversation about his job seeking or look at how to break down the wall between you?” She chose finding a way to return to a relationship with no walls.

When recapping, use the words clients give you. Receive what they say so you can play it back to them. Include the emotions they use to stress their desires and irritations. Don’t analyze the meaning. You miss key points when you start to think about what they are saying. Thinking is the enemy of the coach.

RECAPPING TO CLARIFY

Recapping helps you stay focused on sorting out the client’s perception of the situation beyond the initial story. Too often, coaches hear the story and think they have the full picture. When you say, “Let me see if I understand your position” and then share the dilemma the client posed, you clarify the starting point for both you and the client. Usually, clients will add important details after they hear your summary. They also feel you are listening and present.

As you clarify, your questions should help reveal how clients feel about extenuating factors. Stay curious to discover what is most important to them, how long they have been ruminating on the situation without taking action, if something is driving a sense of urgency to act now, and what actions they have already taken that have helped or hindered their progress. Short summaries followed by questions lay out the narrative for clients cleanly and comprehensively in a way they can’t do for themselves.

Be sure to note any statements they make starting with “I want” or “I need.” Explore the importance of their wants and needs and the cost of not realizing them. You also want to know if they believe their desires are achievable. Then, are they willing to do what it takes to get what they want and need?

Be patient when recapping and clarifying. When you help clients crystallize the picture of what they really want to happen, what follows in the coaching will be both easier and beneficial.

RECAPPING TO RECOGNIZE CONFLICTS AND CONTRADICTIONS

Clients are often stuck when what they want conflicts with what they should or are expected to do. They might show increasing frustration or anxiety as you clarify the two positions.

Case Study

I was coaching a woman who wanted to discover how she could enjoy her work more. She said her job had become easy with no challenge. She wanted to start a new project, but the growth of the company was causing “stupid internal conflicts” that took up her time. She couldn’t see a way out of this predicament. She often misplaced her anger on her family.

I recapped how the “stupid” conflicts were stopping her from enjoying her work and causing stress at home. She argued the job was good, it paid well, and it used her skills; the company was growing; and her family benefited in many ways by her staying. I summarized these reasons for staying in her job and shared that she had tensed up as she spoke them. It felt as if she was irritated with me or the coaching.

She blurted out, “Am I wrong for wanting to go? everyone is envious of my position. It supports my family well. Who knows what will happen if I leave?”

I said, “Yes, who knows what will happen if you leave? You want to go, but everyone around you thinks you should stay.”

She stared blankly at me. I stayed silent. Finally, she said, “I should be grateful, but I don’t feel that way.”

I said, “It sounds like your desires are in conflict with what you think you should do, that you are wrong and bad for wanting to go.” She nodded in agreement. I asked her to weigh her desire to leave against the reasons for staying, assessing which option was most important to her at that moment.

I acknowledged how quickly and adamantly she responded and said, “Knowing you want to go, would you be willing to more deeply explore the impact of your choice, how much it really makes you wrong and bad?”

She quickly said, “I want to go.”

The session didn’t end with a decision. She said she had to think about it more. Two hours later, she sent me an email: “I am free to leave if I choose to. Thank you.”

The session was successful because it gave the client clarity on who was making her choices for her. She was less paralyzed. She gained more ideas on how to talk with her family and detach from the opinions of people who were less important to listen to. She could now better plan her next steps, separating the unknown from the exciting possibilities.

Notice whenever your clients use the word but when you point out an apparent conflict, especially if their emotions demonstrate a preference for one option over another. Don’t push them to choose. Help them see that they might have more options or actions to take than just the two they are considering right now.

Case Study

I had a client who decided to sell his business, but in each of our bimonthly sessions, he presented a new drama that delayed the sale. After two months of working through these events, I reflected the fact that a continuous string of events kept him from reaching his goal. I asked him if it was okay for him to make a choice—to sell or not. He said he hadn’t considered not selling. He needed time to think about it.

Two days later, he called to tell me he didn’t want to sell after all. He loved his “work family.” He enjoyed providing a great workplace for his employees. His answer felt resolute; it did not seem like just an excuse to avoid change.

I acknowledged his courage.

Once he made his choice, he realized how delegating more responsibilities would give him the freedom to do some of the activities he thought he could do only if he sold his company.

When there is a conflict of values, people feel stuck in the middle. Summarizing conflicts in coaching gives clients both the clarity and confidence to choose what to do next.

Be careful not to judge which is your clients’ best option. Accept whatever your clients decide is right for them in this moment.

Paraphrasing

In the case study of the client who wanted to leave her job but felt others were judging her decision as wrong, I used the words wrong and bad to clarify her conflict. She used the word wrong; I added the word bad to check on the depth of her fear. It is easier to live with wrong decisions than ones that hurt others. I offered her the words wrong and bad based on her emotions. Although she expressed disdain when describing the stupid conflicts she had to deal with at work, her guilt seeped out when talking about how people would judge her decision to leave. She wasn’t just considering a right or wrong decision; she felt she would be judged as good or bad based on what she chose to do.

Paraphrasing helps clients assess the meaning of their words and emotions. We restate what we hear in a slightly different form to help them surface and explore their beliefs.

Paraphrasing is an offer; clients can accept your words or not. If they don’t agree, it’s likely they will offer an alternative clarifier.

You will be interjecting an interpretation of their words when paraphrasing. Be careful to base your version on what they said. If you are guessing what they are facing based on your own experiences, you have stepped into judgment instead of reflection.

Knowing if you are paraphrasing or judging can be difficult to discern in real time. If you are working on this skill, a good practice is to get permission from your clients to record your sessions to review and then erase. When you hear yourself paraphrase, ask what statements your client made that led to your choice of words. Did your words lead to clarity, or did you lead your client to accept a definition of the situation based on your own experiences? As best you can, make sure your paraphrase is an alternative statement of what was said, not your opinion about what the client shared.

Another form of paraphrasing is to use a metaphor. You use a metaphor to paint a picture of what the client is telling you in a different context connected by meaning. For example, when a leader is describing why she doesn’t trust her employees enough to delegate responsibility to them, you might say, “Sounds like you keep pruning your plants instead of trusting the teenager next door to do the job.”

If the client agrees with the representation, you can then explore what beliefs underlie the picture. In the delegation example, you would explore the comparison between the leader’s beliefs about the inadequacies of her employees and the teenager next door. You might find out her team is new and she has no experience to draw from. In this case, delegation needs to start with training. Or you might find your client’s judgments of the inadequacies of others are too harsh. This may lead to the fears that stop the leader from delegating. Metaphor is a great clarifier.

Encapsulating

Sometimes you can capture the major elements of a client story in just a few words. You use a phrase or even one word to name the client’s experience. This practice includes labeling, bottom lining, and drawing distinctions.

LABELING

When labeling clients’ experience, you are offering a title for their story. You can grab a few words they used when telling their story, such as “It’s a huge unknown” or “No trust.” You can also use a short metaphor, such as “Sounds like you are drowning” or “Sounds like you are pushing a huge rock up a hill” or “Sounds like you’ve lost sight of the finish line.” If clients simply agree with no explanation, you can follow up by asking, “What does this picture mean to your achieving what you said you wanted from this session?”

Case Study

I was coaching a leader who wanted to explore why he was being indecisive about accepting an attractive job offer from a company in a country he would like to live in. His history included three job shifts in another industry. After joining a company, he quickly added new products that increased its revenue dramatically and then moved on to a new company in the same industry.

His current job was his first in a new industry. He was grateful the Ceo trusted his talents. The Ceo also gave him a senior leadership position. He was learning a lot as a leader beyond his gifts in innovation and implementation. But the job offer he was considering would be good for his family as well as test his skills.

I said, “Sounds like there’s some loyalty.”

“Yes!” he said. “that’s it! Loyalty—I never felt that before. That’s why it was easier for me to leave jobs before now.”

The conversation shifted to his exploring if loyalty was a block or a benefit. He decided to stay longer in his position as he liked expanding his role as a leader.

The one word—loyalty—summed up his dilemma. The label gave him the clarity he needed to evaluate his conflict.

BOTTOM LINING

Bottom lining helps clients isolate what needs to be resolved to achieve their desired outcome. They often agree on what they want but then declare all the reasons why they can’t move forward. When you summarize their reasons, they add to the list. The conversation then runs in circles.

Listen for the word but. The word but signals that their brain is conjuring up excuses for not acting. Bring the conversation back to the statement made before the but to see if, bottom line, that action is what they want to take if it is worth the risk.

Bottom lining is also used to discern likely from not-so-likely consequences of taking a risk. For example, after clients list all the bad things that could happen, you might say, “Bottom line, you want to find a new job, but three things could make this move difficult at this time.” From this perspective, they can better examine what is keeping them from acting now.

Bottom-line statements help clients see through the fog of fear.

Bottom lining can also be used to summarize beliefs and insights.

Case Study

I had a client who couldn’t seem to find the right time to ask her boss to broaden her responsibilities. She always had a good excuse for not making the request.

I asked, “Bottom line, what is the worst thing that could happen if you ask for what you want?” She said she was afraid her boss might see her as wanting his job. I said, “You see your boss in an adversarial position. What makes you think he will respond this way to your request?” She admitted he probably wouldn’t respond so negatively. She also said she would make sure her request didn’t feel like a threat.

This led me to say, “that felt easy. What’s the real risk you are facing?”

She blurted out, “What if I’m not up to taking on more?”

I said, “So bottom line, your hesitation is based on your fear of failure, not on how your boss might react.” She agreed.

I asked if she had a picture of what success might look like in the next step of her career. She easily described this picture. I asked if she wanted to shift the focus of the coaching session to how she might achieve the success she envisioned. She then identified the gaps in her skills and knowledge, which led her to determine her developmental needs. In the end, my client found no good reason for not setting a date to talk with her boss about her future.

The doubt that keeps people from moving forward is often steeped in fears of feeling humiliated and embarrassed. They don’t want to look stupid, be judged as incompetent in a role such as a leader or parent, or be rejected for making a change. They spend more time defending inaction than planning actions to take.

Concisely summarizing the points clients make helps them assess the likelihood of the loss they fear. They rise above their defenses. They can also see what they would do next if what they fear comes to pass.

I often follow up the bottom-line statement with the question, “What would you do if you had nothing to worry about, if no buts existed?” The question helps not only clarify what they truly want to do but also to weaken the impact of their fears.

DRAWING DISTINCTIONS

One of my favorite practices is drawing distinctions to help clarify what a person wants or what needs to be resolved. For example, I had a client who wanted to be more resilient but feared her brain was getting stale with age. She wasn’t taking action as quickly as she did when she started her career. To clarify what she thought she was losing, I said, “I hear two things. You don’t take action quickly and you don’t see options quickly. Which is the bigger problem: you aren’t as bold as you were when you were younger, or you aren’t as clever as you once were when seeking solutions?” She said she wasn’t as clever, which led us to explore how she faces issues differently today than years ago.

She finally said, “I’m just tired.”

I asked, “Are you tired of the work you are doing, or is it that you have so much to do, you are physically drained?” She chose the latter definition. This led her to talk about her lack of self-care, which led to a new outcome to work on for our coaching session.

Other common distinctions include comparing clients’ passion to their level of joy for their current commitments, exploring their self-imposed standards of excellence versus their need for perfection, and how quality versus quantity factor into their measures of success. You can also help clients process the meaning of their words, such as when they say, “I’m fed up with their behavior” and you ask, “What does fed up mean: you are out of options to solve the problem or you are angry with their behavior?” The clarification shifts clients to consider what they really want to resolve.

When you hear a conflict of desires or values, you can better frame the options by asking, “Are your two options in conflict with each other, or could you achieve a little more of both?” Some examples include

  • A client who wants to take a new job but doesn’t want to disrupt his family’s routine
  • A client who wants to spend more time with her family but wants more recognition for her contributions at work
  • A client who likes helping others yet wants more time to himself
  • A client who loves the sense of accomplishment her work provides but feels it is time to experience life differently

Drawing distinctions is a great way to clarify where clients are stuck in their thinking. Distinctions clarify what clients think and feel. They crystalize what needs to be resolved to move forward. They can pinpoint conflicts of values to better explore options. Use distinctions to help clients cut through confusion. The conversation will move forward more quickly.

PAIRING SUMMARIZING WITH QUESTIONS

Once you summarize by recapping, paraphrasing, and encapsulating what clients offer in the conversation, you can follow up your statement with a question. The question will come from your curiosity about how they see the situation from the perspective you offered. Even closed questions that follow your summaries—such as “Is this correct?” or “Is this what bothers you most?”—can be powerful clarifiers. You don’t have to spend time remembering coaching questions that have worked before. The questions will emerge from the reflection you share.

Three Tips for Summarizing

When your clients are stuck seeing no resolution to their predicaments, they get lost trying to explain their perspective. Summarizing is a way to help them break through the fog to see the path they are on. With increased clarity, they are better able to recognize their blocks and options. Use the following tips to succinctly reflect your clients’ experience to help them objectively observe their situation:

  1. Use your clients’ words when recapping or encapsulating the outcome they want and the factors they feel are delaying their movement. Then ask them to explain what their key words mean. Key words include their interpretation (the why) of their actions; points they make following the word really, such as “What I really want . . .” or “What the issue really is . . .”; and emotionally charged phrases.
  2. Use metaphors to paraphrase how clients are reacting to a situation. Paint a picture in a different context that has the same meaning, such as “It feels you are carrying the world on your shoulders,” “You seem to be rowing upstream,” or “You are surrounded by vultures.” Follow up with questions to surface the underlying beliefs, assumptions, and fears that are framing their perception.
  3. Cut through excuses and unnecessary backstory details by bottom lining what you hear is the outcome they want and the biggest block to achieving it. If they agree, you can use distinctions to further clarify what needs to be resolved, such as asking, “Do you want this . . . or this . . . ?” or “Are you more afraid of losing something you care about or of what you will have to do if you go for your dreams?” Bottom lining and drawing distinctions clarify client thinking, allowing them to get to solutions quicker.

NOTICING EMOTIONAL SHIFTS

People don’t always tell the truth.

That does not mean they are intentionally lying or withholding information. They often don’t know how to articulate what they are feeling and why. They might be uncomfortable sharing a strong opinion if they don’t know how you will react. They may avoid disclosing an embarrassing thought or action.

Yet emotions, hesitations, and exaggerations can reveal what your clients need to resolve before they can decide what to do next. You can help them bring what is difficult to articulate to the surface by offering your observation of emotional shifts in their expressions.

When I summarize what people tell me and ask if what I said best describes what is going on, or I list the different problems they told me they want to address and ask which one is most important, they stop and think about their thinking. When I notice and share a shift in their emotions, they stop and think about their feelings. Exploring emotions can be more powerful than exploring thoughts when seeking to identify beliefs, conflicts, or fears that are deterring forward movement.

When you actively replay an expressed emotion, you open the door to discuss dilemmas in a way your clients would or could not do in conversations outside of coaching. For example, you might notice when they do the following:

  • Look down or away as they change their tone of voice
  • Hesitate or become silent
  • Get louder or more animated
  • Stress the words always or never when describing how they interpret other people’s intentions or behavior
  • Use the word really accompanied by a heightened tone that accentuates a declaration, such as “What I really want” or “What I really can’t stand”

You recognize and share the emotional reactions you notice without attempting to fix or soothe clients’ experience. Then, coming from a place of not knowing, you use compassionate curiosity to explore what might be the beliefs, fears, doubts, or conflicts that triggered the expression.

When you have compassionate curiosity, you accept what your clients feel without judgment. You don’t use questions to change their feelings. You question the source of their reactions to understand the relationship of an emotion to their desired outcome.

After you share the shift you notice, you might ask what the expression means to them to see if the reflection triggers an insight. If they are blankly silent, you might pause as they process the reflection. If they hesitate to talk, ask if they wouldn’t mind sharing their thoughts. As they attempt to explain what their reaction meant, use your summarizing skills to connect their emotions to the story they shared when defining their dilemma.

When we come to understand our emotional reactions, we better understand ourselves.

Noticing emotional shifts is a powerful yet underused coaching skill. I wrote The Discomfort Zone as a result of watching coaches miss or refuse to comment on what appeared to be negative emotions. They were adept at sharing when clients expressed enthusiasm, passion, or relief but not the darker emotions such as anger, cynicism, or guilt. Or coaches jumped in with a suggestion to ease the pain they noticed. Their sympathy overrode their empathy. Unfortunately, their attempts to make their clients feel better didn’t allow their clients to work through their emotions to a better understanding. Some clients felt bad for reacting.

When you interrupt the coaching to render aid, clients no longer feel they can fully express themselves with you.

Appreciating Emotions as Important to Growth

Most of us were brought up to believe some emotions are negative and bad.

I like feeling happy as much as anyone. I’m more productive when my mood is bright. I’m easier to be with when I’m hopeful about tomorrow.

I have also made big changes in my life through the power of my anger, realized the depth of my courage when feeling my fear, and learned what is important in life from sorrow.

You need to give your clients a safe space to shed their tears, allow them to feel angry and hurt, and accept when they don’t trust anyone, including you, in the moment. You need to affirm the doubtful critic and the disappointed visionary without giving them false hope. Even when you have lived your clients’ story, you can show you care without holding their hand.

When you deprive clients from feeling, you stunt their growth.

Trying to make them feel better, even running to get a tissue for a crier, will negatively affect the coaching no matter the value of your intention. They might feel less understood or enfeebled when you interrupt to save them. The response you believe is “being supportive” could damage their willingness to fully express themselves to you.

Clients don’t need you to cheer them up. They want you to acknowledge they are okay no matter what they feel. This total acceptance encourages them to talk about their feelings so they can better understand them. Understanding the source of their emotions weakens the impact on their thinking. They are better able to recognize what is now possible or what they know they must do. They can use what they learn from their emotional reactions to make their delayed decisions.

Using Nonreactive Empathy

When with others, you are picking up emotional signals that you then interpret through the lens of your experiences. Your life experiences give you the capacity for empathy where you might understand the source of their emotional reactions. However, recognizing an emotional shift and understanding why others feel the way they do are not the same.

Empathy is subjective. When you interpret why people feel the way they do, your opinion might be correct or not. The visceral reaction you have when sensing the emotions of others is real. Your understanding of the source may or may not be accurate.

Case Study

I was coaching a manager who was anxious about an upcoming conversation with an employee whose performance as a supervisor was hurting the team. The manager hoped the conversation would convince his employee to readily accept a demotion, but he worried she would quit. As we talked through possible approaches, his frustration grew. Finally, he lowered his head and muttered, “But I thought she’d be the one.” then he lifted his head and continued to talk about her volatility.

I not only noticed the shift in his posture and voice but also felt a pain in my chest when he said, “I thought she’d be the one.” I said, “Hold on. Can we go back to something you just said, when you lowered your head and voice? Something about her being the one. You got quiet, as if you were sad.”

He let out a deep breath and said, “More embarrassed than sad. It might be my fault. I might have promoted her too soon.”

“Can we talk about that and how that might play into your conversation with her?”

He frowned and said, “of course.” My observations allowed him to face his fear of her judging him as a bad leader. After looking into this belief and accepting he made a mistake, the conversation shifted to how he might share his revelation with her, hoping she would step back to get the training and mentoring she needed to succeed as a supervisor when she felt ready. He still believed in her potential.

Share the emotional shifts you notice in your clients. Wait for a response or ask what they think the expression means. Does their excitement represent something of value to them? Do they know where their doubt is coming from? If you have an inkling about what caused the shift, offer an idea or a distraction with no attachment to being right. Is their frustration based on their current work assignments or the lack of a path forward in the future? Are they angry about a decision that was made without them, or are they angry they haven’t spoken up? Let your clients determine the interpretation of their reaction. Your options will help them think more deeply about their thoughts and feelings, even if their interpretation is different from yours. If they correct you, they clarify the source of their feelings for themselves.

Trust your ability to feel emotional shifts in your clients; then use your curiosity to explore what triggered the reaction.

If their experience reminds you of one of your own, keep your story to yourself. When you tell them you have felt the same way in the past, you jump out of coaching and into fixing.

If you want your clients to feel comfortable being vulnerable with you, you need to let your reactions to their emotions fade away. You create a safe space for the conversation to unfold by caring and feeling compassionately curious. Then you can identify and understand what they feel, not feel it with them.

Humans desire to be seen beyond their words. Recognizing emotional shifts with compassion ate curiosity demonstrates you care.

Even at work, most people long for others to understand how they feel, the foundation of empathy. Clients want you to sense their discomfort or distress, especially when they struggle with articulating the emotions they are experiencing. They also might hope you have a compassionate response to their revelation. Ask them how their emotions are impacting their desired outcome. Seek to discover if they want to work through their emotions or they just need a safe place to talk.

Can Too Much Empathy Be Bad?

In my emotional intelligence and coaching skills classes, I am often asked if too much empathy can be bad. If you embody the emotions you pick up from others, the answer could be yes. If you instead notice and release the emotions in your body so you can hold the space for others to safely express themselves, the answer is no.

Your capacity to experience empathy is not the same as emotional contagion, where you take on the emotions of another. Most people long to feel seen, heard, and valued no matter what they express. They want to feel safe enough to express themselves without feeling judged. They don’t need you to feel sad, stressed, angry, or anxious with them.

If you take on their emotions beyond your initial sense of their reactions, they might feel they have to take care of you. They might feel guilty or sorry for upsetting you. Noticing clients’ emotional reactions is an instantaneous response you share and then release in a noncritical way.1 If you felt their emotion, you relax your body and let the emotion subside as you return to being fully present with your clients. If you let these emotions sit in your body, your body and mind will be emotionally hijacked.

Unbridled emotional contagion can lead to concentrations of the stress hormone cortisol, which makes it difficult to release the emotions.2 Taking on other people’s feelings in coaching can break the bond of trust you were hoping to strengthen. You may feel responsible for relieving their pain. You quit coaching as you jump in to fix their problems to make them feel better. You do this to make yourself feel better too.

You appreciate and encourage expression in others by observing their emotional reactions, sensing the experience in your own body, sharing what you witness and sense, and then letting the emotions go.

Noticing emotional expressions and shifts without letting your own emotions get in the way encourages clients’ exploration. The intensity of their emotions subsides. They can think more clearly about their thinking. The coaching can more smoothly move forward.

Three Tips for Noticing Emotional Shifts

Reflecting emotional shifts can be powerful as well as intimidating for both coach and client. Coaches need to manage their discomfort when noticing their clients’ emotional reactions to objectively share their observations. Then, although sharing emotional shifts can provoke a new awareness, clients often react with a strong emotion before the insight emerges. Use the following tips to effectively reflect your clients’ emotional expressions:

  1. Notice shifts in clients’ posture, tone of voice, facial expressions, and breathing. Start your sentences with “I noticed . . . ,” “I heard . . . ,” or “I sense . . .” Offer these reflections with no attachment to being right. Pause to let your clients process your reflection. Wait for a response or ask what they think their emotional shift meant. If they aren’t sure, you might offer a possible source of their emotion based on what they previously told you. If they identify the source as different from what you offered, they will correct you, which shines a light on the emotions they couldn’t see before. If they are hesitant to respond, Ron Carucci suggests using statements like “tell me how I should interpret your silence” and “It seems that what I just said made you think about something else. Would you share that with me?”3 Don’t push if they aren’t ready to talk about how they feel. The awareness that is emerging may need time to gestate.
  2. Be receptive to their experience, no matter what they say and express. Your clients need to feel safe from judgment to express themselves freely. If their emotions make you uncomfortable, breathe and release the tension so you can stay present and open. If your body tightens up with judgment due to your own biases, slowly exhale while you clear your mind. Remind yourself to warmly regard the humans sitting in front of you who are trusting you to help them solve a dilemma. You don’t need to mentally or physically detach from them unless you sense a real threat of physical harm.
  3. Practice curiosity. Discover what the emotion of curiosity feels like in your brain and body. Then, if you become uncomfortable with your clients’ expression—when you move from empathy to sympathy where you feel bad for them or when you take on their emotions as your own—shift to feeling curious so you can resume coaching.
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