Chapter 3

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STUCK ON “WHAT IF?” COMMON DISEMPOWERING QUESTIONS

We all have an inner critic. That’s not a surprise. What is surprising is the degree to which we entertain negative thoughts and allow them to inform our decisions, attitudes, and actions. Negative thoughts and self-doubt breed negativity. The more you put yourself down, the harder it will be to climb up. Self-talk isn’t just idle noise. It reflects not only the way we think but also how we feel and act. We create our own reality by the words we speak. Telling ourselves we can do something can cause it to happen. Telling ourselves we can’t do something can make it a reality. It’s been said that the only things keeping us from getting what we want are the messages we keep telling ourselves and those that we keep believing.

It’s my opinion that we are the sum total of all our thoughts, beliefs, and confessions. If we are serious about releasing the limits that keep us from realizing our dreams, we must start by exposing the questions that come from the negative thoughts, stories, and self-talk that we believe about ourselves. These disempowering beliefs can form at an early age, often developed from our experiences and internalized. They can lead to hopelessness, powerlessness, and worthlessness.

If we are honest, we can admit that we have all allowed disempowering beliefs to hijack our opportunities and leave us feeling one or more of these three emotions. There may have been jobs we didn’t apply for, trips we didn’t take, ideas we didn’t share, or leadership roles we passed up because we were afraid they wouldn’t work out, we might fail, we wouldn’t be taken seriously, we might be rejected, and so on. We may have talked ourselves out of taking on these opportunities because we allowed the proverbial “What If?” questions to derail our purpose, our passion, and our possibilities.

The Start of My Disempowering “What If?” Beliefs

My First Pageant Competition

In chapter 1 I shared some of the dreams and imaginings I had as a child and how several of them became reality in my teenage years, building up my confidence and faith that anything I imagined was possible. One of those dreams was to compete in pageants and win a national title such as Miss America, Miss USA, or the like. You may recall that at the age of fourteen I competed in my first pageant, placed second runner-up, won the speech competition, and received positive feedback from the judges on my interview. But let me share with you the journey between my decision to compete and the final outcome. The days, weeks, and months leading up to it were wrought with second-guessing myself, feeling intimidated, and constantly having to be talked out of dropping out.

After completing the initial application and being accepted as a contestant, I was excited and couldn’t stop talking about it. But as the pageant drew closer I met other contestants at the orientation meetings, then started to doubt myself. I was new to this arena, had never competed in pageants before, was only five feet tall, and was one of only three other minorities in the room out of nearly forty contestants. Most of them were tall, beautiful, blue- and green-eyed blondes. They touted their expensive gowns, that they had their own pageant coaches, and how many pageants they had competed in (and won). Others were buddy-buddy and knew each other from previous pageants. I started an internal conversation with myself, asking, “What are you doing here? What if you blow the interview and it is 50 percent of the scoring? What if you trip and fall in your gown? As a matter of fact, you can’t afford an expensive gown, or a personal pageant coach. What if you botch the on-stage interview question? You are out of your league and your parents are not rich. Besides, you are the shortest one in the pageant and a newcomer. You don’t stand a chance.”

How many disempowering beliefs and questions did you count? Yes, this was a lengthy conversation I had with myself, and weeks after orientation I kept having that same conversation, and adding more reasons for quitting to the list. I looked at all of the downside and none of the upside. But each time I would talk to the pageant director and to my mom, and I would feel a little better and they would talk me into staying in the pageant.

Being Chosen as a Token

My career was not off-limits to these defining and disempowering beliefs. One of the most demoralizing experiences I suffered on a job was at a large retail sales company I loved working for. I was responsible for training all of the newly hired people managers. No matter their level or location, they were required to go through a five-day leadership training program within their first two weeks. One particular class included the new senior vice president (SVP) of human resources, to whom our department would ultimately report. Everything went great and he provided very positive feedback on the program. A few weeks later, his executive assistant called to schedule a meeting with the SVP and me. As you can imagine, I was both flattered and flustered at the same time. I wasn’t sure of the nature of the meeting, and he was new to the company, so I didn’t have a point of reference or know what to expect. But my supervisor assured me that the SVP was impressed with my experience and she had shared with him how valuable I was to the team.

In the meeting a few days later he complimented the course and confirmed what my supervisor had shared—that he was impressed with my skills and experience and wanted to make me a proposition. He went on to indicate that he was building his team and wanted me to be a part of it. He stated that he did not yet have a job title or a job description, and the position would not be posted for general staff to apply because he was offering it only to me. He said that for now he would say that I was assigned to Special Projects, and I would report directly to him. When I inquired what he envisioned the role doing, he responded, “We’ll make it up as we go and as needs arise.” I didn’t know how to respond with anything other than OK. I didn’t want to ask too many questions and appear to be difficult, so I thanked him for the opportunity and left his office feeling honored and confused at the same time. I didn’t know if this position included a raise, how it would be announced to the organization, if I could share it with anyone yet, or what the transition would look like.

I certainly didn’t feel like I could decline this offer, because it was presented not as an option but rather as a golden opportunity—a done deal—that I would be crazy to pass up. The SVP went on to state that he would work with my supervisor on setting a transition date to occur within a few weeks. Taking this job meant I would no longer be the leadership program trainer, and I would leave that location and my team members whom I had trained with and grown fond of for two years to move to the company’s headquarters. After one meeting with the SVP my career was about to change and I had more questions than answers, but I also felt flattered and honored that I had been handpicked and offered the job.

When colleagues asked what I would be doing, I couldn’t elaborate beyond working on special projects as assigned. A few weeks later I transitioned to the new role but still had no clear description of what was expected. On paper, HR listed me as a senior HR analyst, but I found out it didn’t immediately include a raise or a promotion but was labeled as a lateral move. Then my first “special assignment” came. I was asked to audit one of the underperforming departments that there were a lot of employee complaints about. I had never done this type of assignment before, neither had I worked with this group of employees, nor had a formal announcement of my role ever been made. When I showed up at the department requesting documents and conducting focus groups to uncover issues and problems, you can imagine how I was received. I could have cut the tension with a knife and the rolling of eyes was not subtle. In a short time it spread across the organization that Shirley was the new SVP’s spy. Certain staff asked what I did to get the job—implying that I had done something nefarious or sexual to get such a position. Behind my back I was called “John’s girl” (that wasn’t his name but you get the point). People asked why the position was not posted and what my “real job” was.

This went on for months, and defending my position became tiresome and all too common. The special assignments did feel like the role of a spy and an inspector. I wasn’t enjoying this kind of work and I felt alone. But what could I do? I was stuck between a rock and a hard place because I knew I couldn’t ask to go back to the leadership training role after only six months in the position. My previous role had been backfilled. Besides, I might upset the SVP who had handpicked me to work in his office, and I could be blackballed. It would be hard to live down being known as “John’s girl.”

I had no other choice but to search outside the company for new opportunities. Within weeks of applying for a position at a financial services firm ten minutes down the street, I got called for an interview for a senior HR consultant position. Training and development, which I loved to do, were a key part of the role. After several interviews, an extensive background and reference check, and passing the assessments, I was offered the job, which paid more than $20,000 more than I was making at the retail sales company. Plus, I knew what my responsibilities would include. I applied for a position that was legitimate, and this one was a perfect fit for my skills and experience, plus I didn’t have to relocate and uproot my daughter. I was thrilled and relieved and couldn’t wait to get out of the bad situation I was in.

The day after accepting the offer, I typed up my resignation letter and set up a meeting with the SVP of HR to tell him the good/bad news. I didn’t know how he would respond. He had expressed such positive feedback about me when he called me into his office and offered me the position. I thought he might be disappointed, but I could never have imagined what actually happened that day.

I walked into his office but didn’t give him the resignation letter immediately. I started the conversation by thanking him for the wonderful opportunity to be selected as part of his team. I went on to share the things I had learned on the projects I had worked on and thanked him for what I had learned. Then I told him I had just accepted a new position with the financial services firm down the street, that I would be doing something much more closely aligned with my talents and skill sets in training and development, and that it came with a huge raise.

As I told him I was submitting my two weeks resignation, I handed him the resignation letter. He threw it down without reading one word. His whole countenance changed. He turned two shades of dark red and with one finger pointed at my face. From across the desk he said, “You are so ungrateful. I cannot believe you would do this. I gave you a chance and you have blown it for every other Black person coming after you. I will never do this again. I don’t need your two-week notice because today is your last day. Now get out of my office.”

In an instant it felt like the world went silent and dark. It was as though everything moved in slow motion. I was in shock and disbelief. I didn’t know how to respond. As I turned around to walk out of his office, I took a deep breath to keep from bursting into tears. When I left his office I went to the nearest restroom down the hall and ran into a stall. There the tears poured.

A few months after leaving the retail sales company, I found out that they had recently and quietly settled a multimillion-dollar race discrimination class action lawsuit during the same period in which I was approached with this offer by the SVP. I couldn’t help but think that I had been singled out simply because of my race/ethnicity—as a token—and not because of my skills and experience. You can imagine how many disempowering “What If?” questions and beliefs came from this experience. I internalized every feeling from dejection, humiliation, and anger to hurt, rage, and fear. I even felt regret that I had not declined the SVP’s offer or insisted on more details prior to accepting it; that I had not asked more obvious questions but rather had retreated and acquiesced to the offer that was doomed to fail because of how it circumvented the posting process.

The Person I Trained Became My Boss

Another devastating experience in my career that contributed to my dis-empowering beliefs about my value and self-worth occurred when I was on a steady trajectory toward being promoted to a senior level role in the organization I worked for. My boss at the time had identified me as “a high performer and a high-potential employee” because I had achieved the rating of 5 (the highest on a scale of 1 to 5) on my annual performance review for two consecutive years. He had also placed me on the company’s succession plan and on an accelerated development plan to be considered for a senior leadership role within the next two to three years. Unfortunately he left the company before this process was complete. We had such a great rapport and I felt supported and championed, so it was a tremendous loss for me and I was left with a great deal of uncertainty about my role.

In the meantime, a woman I had worked with on other projects and trained on some of the new systems, procedures, and programs we had developed was promoted into my boss’s job. She had very little experience working in our functional area and had worked with a much smaller team than mine, so I wanted to be sure I was clear about what her expectations of me were, and I didn’t want to lose traction on the path I was on.

I met with her and shared my previous performance reviews, the feedback I had received from clients, and my aspirations for the next career level. I asked about her specific expectations of me. I wanted to ensure she would support my development. We discussed my goals, my performance objectives, and what success would look like. I even asked her what “exceeding expectations” and “absolutely stellar performance” would look like. I needed her to be specific about what “meeting expectations” was and about what “outstanding” was because I didn’t want to start over simply because she was new in her role.

We sat down and laid those things out and agreed on what success would like. Once I had those specifics, I continued to work hard to exceed them. I was not given any feedback or any coaching from her, and you know if you haven’t heard anything different you assume you’re on track and that things are fine. But that December, at the end of the performance period, I was told that not only had I not “exceeded” expectations as I thought, but I wasn’t even “meeting” expectations. You can imagine my reaction. When pressed about the ratings, she could provide no specific examples nor point to any impacts on the many clients I served, thus her ratings could not be substantiated. I had received an “exceeds expectations” for the past three years and now it had dropped two ratings in one performance cycle, with no justification.

It was one of the most hurtful experiences I have had in my career. I was highly effective at what I did—a great people leader according to my team and others. I knew how to run my department and my division, I gained great respect and support from my customers, and I achieved solid results beyond what was expected. I had received clear expectations and goals for the previous three years before her arrival, and I had worked hard. Now this person had come in and marginalized and sabotaged all that I had worked for. Yes, I felt angry, minimized, degraded, and betrayed, and it was my last straw.

In this instance, I went above her head. I involved HR and presented my case that before this person had come on as my supervisor, there had been three years of performance reviews in which I had always been rated very high, in which I could show that I was “exceeding” expectations. I asked what I could have done differently that warranted a lower rating, particularly because I’d never gotten any feedback to the contrary; she’d never provided any particulars. So HR requested that she rewrite the appraisal and change the ratings to match the performance. Turns out she did not want to give me credit for a lot of the results and successes in our division, because she had taken the credit in her own performance review.

Even though she attempted to revise the appraisal, it still wasn’t to my full satisfaction. She watered down my results and worked even harder to unravel and sabotage the positive reputation I had built with my clients and in my division. Ultimately I moved on to a new role in another company, but that experience left a terrible stain on my confidence, my abilities, and my trust in leadership. It left me feeling like I had to work ten times harder just to get recognized, and to document everything I did so that I had extra proof of my performance. Even when I was deserving of a seat at the table, I often felt like I wasn’t welcome or that I was tolerated when I was there. I felt like I had to overcompensate to get people to overlook my gender and my race. Ever been there? It is indeed and unfortunately why I pursued my Ph.D.

Why I Pursued My Ph.D.

I can’t tell you the number of times throughout my career I asked my supervisor what it would take to get promoted or to move to the next level. I did a great job, as indicated on my performance reviews. I had the requisite skills. I achieved the results and got exemplary reviews from clients and colleagues. But most of my supervisors did not reward my performance beyond an occasional pat on the back and a measly yearly merit increase of 2 percent.

At various employers and in several positions I kept asking, “What would it take to get promoted?” only to get the typical runaround response of “Go take a course” or “Go through that certificate program” or “Get a mentor/coach” or “When you work on these kinds of projects and get that kind of experience, then you’ll be ready.” It was like a carrot being dangled in front of me and it consistently kept moving the closer I got to it. Even when I would move toward it and think I was about to grab it, it would move again. Those experiences were really disappointing, especially when I saw my male counterparts and nonminority colleagues getting promoted or selected for roles I knew they were less qualified for, and they didn’t have to jump through any of the hoops I just listed.

So I went back to school and earned my master’s degree. I got certifications in HR, employment law, training design, diversity, and inclusion. You name it, I earned it. I attended Darden’s School of Business and earned a certificate in change management. I completed Harvard Business School’s Executive Education program. I read books, secured a mentor, completed several Six Sigma courses, and went to more training programs than I can count. Ultimately I earned my Ph.D. in business and organizational leadership. I did this so that I could take away the excuses that were constantly being used to minimize my qualifications, even though I was already more qualified than some of them being promoted over me.

I also earned my Ph.D. so that I could position myself to gain the instant credibility, respect, and validation that the letters carry. I did it so that I would be among the top 2 percent in the world with those three letters after their name. Finally, I did it to set a standard for my daughter and to make my parents proud again. And they were.

Earning my Ph.D. allowed me to build an expansive list of skills and experiences on my resume; it positioned me as a global thought leader on HR topics and afforded me better career opportunities that paid more money. Unfortunately, the biases and discrimination didn’t go away just because I earned a doctorate degree and attained more training. I still faced the realities of inequities and the imbalances of opportunities that exist in our society simply due to being a minority. And I still had to face the effects and questions that came from years of being marginalized, trivialized, overlooked, and undervalued.

In all of the stories I have shared here and in previous chapters, I had many disempowering conversations and developed a number of disempowering beliefs that started in my teenage years and followed me into my adult life. And with each new opportunity, new disempowering beliefs and questions presented themselves.

Whether talking myself out of participating in a pageant because I was out of my league, not trying out for a sports team because I might not get picked, not asking my boss for a raise I knew I deserved because I thought he/she would say no and label me ungrateful, not asking important questions that would help me make the best decision because I feared being perceived as challenging authority, avoiding speaking up and defending myself when I was publicly berated because I didn’t want to lose my job, closing my heart off to getting involved with a man because I was afraid I would get my heart broken again, or not taking a risk simply because of being afraid of failing—the list goes on—these kinds of disempowering beliefs unfortunately talked me out of taking on some new projects, new opportunities, new jobs, and new relationships, and ultimately out of pursuing some of my dreams.

I know I am not alone; these beliefs are common to many. The examples I just shared are questions that occur not only in our personal lives but at work as well. Not addressing “What If?” questions in a timely manner can even derail an organization’s success. I have found that they are one of the main reasons that so many change efforts fail. When leaders don’t spend the time to address the staff’s questions (which are often due to lack of understanding, not wanting to lose something, or fear of the unknown), change is made even harder. Their most common questions, which I have also asked, include, What if I lose my job? What if I get a cut in pay? What if I end working for a boss I don’t like? What if I have to move? What if I fail? These are all legitimate questions, and when leaders address them they can provide stability and calm in the midst of change.

Following is a list of common disempowering “What If?” questions. Some I have just covered in my own stories. Others came from the many people I surveyed in my network. A few more came from people I interviewed for this book. As you review the list, assess which of these you keep believing and speaking to yourself. If you are the leader of a team, department, or company, consider which of these questions resonate in your role and which may come from your team members.

Disempowering “What If?” Questions

• What if I’m not good enough?

• What if I’m not attractive enough?

• What if I don’t have enough money?

• What if I’m not smart enough?

• What if I get rejected or not selected?

• What if I get fired?

• What if I fail?

• What if I say the wrong thing?

• What if I am not qualified?

• What if I don’t have time?

• What if I look stupid?

• What if my heart gets broken?

• What if others won’t like me?

• What if I’m too old (or too young)?

• What if I succeed? Then what?

As you can see, these disempowering beliefs cover your career, business affairs, finances, relationships, health, and self-worth, and all of them are rooted in fear. (I share more about fear in the next chapter.) How long you have internalized these beliefs determines how much work you will need to put into dismantling them.

After recognizing that you have likely asked yourself one or more of these disempowering questions, you must then learn to take control of your destiny by transforming your thoughts into empowering beliefs. Empowering beliefs are those that inspire and push you to achieve what you want out of life. They give you confidence to succeed and to search for opportunities for growth and improvement.

Adrean Turner’s story illustrates this concept perfectly. I was thrilled to interview her and to learn how she had been pushed into her purpose by replacing her old thoughts and beliefs with new knowledge and confessions. This push enabled her to “flip the script” on her “What if?” questions.

Adrean’s Story

Debunking/Dismantling Disempowering Beliefs

If you are asking, What if I’m not good enough? ask yourself next, Where is this feeling coming from? Why do I believe this? Also consider who it is that makes you feel less than good enough and why you are giving that person so much power over your self-worth. When I was told by my supervisors that I wasn’t qualified for a position or promotion, or when they talked to me in a way that made me feel worthless and devalued, I had a choice to make. Sometimes I was caught off guard and allowed myself to have a pity party. Other times, as you heard in several of my stories in the previous chapters, I ignored their comments and talked to someone else who made me feel that I was valued. Yet other times I confronted the person and defended myself. Remember that each of us has something of value to offer and should not allow others to rob us of our uniqueness. It really comes down to having the right attitude and the right people around you, and making the right choices.

Instead of drowning in self-doubt, take inventory of your strengths and good traits and work on developing them and becoming better every day. Get healed of the disease I have called comparisonitis and measure your success in terms of your own purpose and goals. The only comparison you should make is between your past self and how you are evolving and getting better, wiser, and stronger from every experience.

If you are asking, What if I fail? welcome to the club. This was of my most common disempowering questions. What I’ve come to realize is that failure is a natural part of life and something every single one of us has experienced. I have failed in relationships, in leading projects, in making right decisions, and in business. But I have learned that some of the world’s most successful people failed many times before they succeeded.

I’d like to challenge you to rethink a number of disempowering quotes. First, I have asked many people, What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail? The response is consistently, I would accomplish all the dreams I put on hold. Then they list all of them. But let’s dissect the question a bit. The question implies that failure is bad and is the one thing that gets in the way of our realizing our dreams. What if we answered that question with a different perspective? What if the answer is, I would do nothing? Instead of eliminating the possibility of failure from our life, how about developing the right attitude toward failure? Think of it this way: failure is a part of the process of living. To live the life we’ve imagined, we must confront the fear of failure and even failure itself. What decides your future is what you choose to believe. Whether you believe that you will fail or that you will succeed, you’re right.

Second, many of us may have been taught that failure is not an option. As I have grown through challenges, mistakes, and failures, I have come to believe that had I not failed at something I would not have learned anything. Failure can be an option as long as we recognize that failure isn’t final, that it isn’t forever. Leadership expert and best-selling author John Maxwell wrote a book called Failing Forward in which he tells us that it’s OK to fail at something and to fall—we just need to “fall forward.” This simply means that we need to learn from our failures, learn from our mistakes, and not be afraid to get back up and take our lives to the next level. Falling doesn’t mean you’ve reached the end of the road. You can use it as a springboard to the next level of your life.

One of my mentors used to say, “If you fall down and you can look up, you can get up.” There’s an opportunity for all of us to learn from our mistakes, because we all make them. No one is exempt from failing, from making mistakes, from having hiccups in their life. But the difference between those who succeed and those who stay stuck is that those who succeed realize that failing is a natural part of the journey toward success. We must learn to deal with our fear of failure and not let it control us.

We must believe that anything worth having is worth fighting for and sometimes worth failing at. I would go on to compete in more than thirty pageants, and I lost more than I won, but I won the ones that counted. All of the losses were lessons I leveraged for the next pageant. Each loss taught me a new lesson and each one made me a more formidable competitor. There is no shame in failing; there is only shame in not accepting the challenge to keep trying. Grow from your failures and move on.

If you are thinking you don’t have enough money to pursue your dream, do your homework. It may not be the case at all. One of the reasons I avoided starting my business for years was because I thought it would require tens of thousands of dollars up front. Maybe some business opportunities do, such as buying a franchise or opening a nightclub, day spa, boutique, or restaurant. But I wanted to open a consulting, training, and coaching business. I thought I would need to develop a $5,000 business plan and that getting a business license was a tedious and long-term process. I thought I would have to find office space, sign a long-term lease, spend a lot of money on office equipment, hire a full-time staff person, and do a lot of newspaper and radio advertising.

But after conducting some research, I found that I could operate my business initially from my home, that getting a business license took just a few days, and that the costs were minimal. I could get a post office box as a business address for a few hundred dollars a year, and business cards for under a hundred dollars; I could get a WordPress website developed for about two thousand dollars; and I could hire a virtual assistant for a few hours a week, all within my budget. For years I had operated under this “What if?” question and assumed that running my own business was far out of my reach financially. It turned out that what held me back was my lack of information and understanding driven by fear and a sense of inadequacy. As a result, my dream was on hold for years, until I finally jumped. I talk more about that in chapter 7.

If after you do your homework you find that your business does require a lot of money up front, devise a plan. Start putting money aside for it each pay period; investigate resources and financing options through organizations such as the Small Business Administration and SCORE, your bank, and industry associations; and consider friends, colleagues, and family members as your initial investors. There are also a number of “startup pitch competitions,” which will allow you to pitch your business idea to potential investors, with the best ideas winning financing.

What I learned after years of delaying my dream because I thought I couldn’t afford it was that I didn’t have to start out in grandiose style. I didn’t have to start out with an expensive lease in an ivory tower. I could grow into a building on the basis of the business need. I didn’t have to hire a bunch of people to get my business started; I could start with contract workers, friends, and a part-timer, then build up my staff to full-time as the business justified it. I didn’t have to have an expansive and expensive marketing campaign, and I didn’t have to have a $10,000 website to get started. I started out with word-of-mouth marketing, some social media announcements, and a WordPress website for $2,000.

Another “What if?” question that stifled my progress was, What if I get rejected or don’t get selected? Even though I had dealt with this when trying out for sports teams and pageant competitions, in relationships, and when applying for jobs, I would still experience that sinking feeling and the impact that rejection had each time I was not selected, when someone told me no, or when the relationship didn’t work out. None of us likes this feeling, and if we’re not careful we can take it so personally that it paralyzes us from trying new things. I overcame this by learning how to shift my perspective to see that if and when I was rejected, the job, the relationship, the opportunity wasn’t meant for me—and something or someone better or different was coming along. I began to believe that things happened for a reason, and even though we don’t always understand why things happen, over time they have a way of working out a better outcome.

I remember getting turned down for a position that I thought for sure I should have been hired for. It paid very well and would have been a promotion for me. I met every qualification they listed and nailed all of the interviews. You know that feeling of pride and confidence you have when you’ve performed at your best, only to receive that dreaded rejection letter a week later that reads, “While your background and experience were impressive, we have decided to go in a different direction”? That’s what I felt. But sometime later I was offered a better opportunity (more money, better benefits, and a better work environment). In other cases, when I was rejected I would find out later that things were not the way they were represented anyway, and it would not have been a good experience had I gotten the job.

I experienced this same thing with relationships that didn’t work out. I have been married, I have been divorced, and I have been rejected and betrayed on a number of occasions by people I trusted, loved, and respected. I took these rejections a bit harder, of course, because they were more personal. There were times when I felt the rejection so deeply that I put up walls around my heart, making it hard to trust in the next relationship.

But after experiencing several heartbreaks, I came to understand a few realities. I had to be more selective about whom I chose to get involved with, and I couldn’t allow someone else’s indiscretions or character flaws to redefine the core of who I am. I rejected the temptation to be bitter, live in regret, and get vengeful, much as I wanted to, but I chose to get better, to forgive and move on, and to learn from the experience. As time passed, I consistently saw how much better I was without those kinds of people in my life. In chapter 6 I provide tips on the power of having the right relationships and on how they can contribute to your ability to realize your dreams.

So, the next time you ask the question, What if I get rejected? just know that it’s not a bad thing, it’s not always personal, and life has a way of giving us signs and symbols when some things are not meant to be. We just have to learn to read the signs and follow their direction.

I could share here so many more experiences of how I faced every one of these disempowering “What if?” questions, but you’ll hear more in the following chapters. Know that for every disempowering question there is always an empowering response that you can use. If you are asking any of the following disempowering “What If?” questions, know that so did I. One of the exercises that became a ritual in my journey to get beyond my “What if?” questions was listing the most common disempowering questions that would keep me stuck and then countering them with some of the statements I would actually say to myself as affirmations. I invite you to start with three to focus on this week until your language changes. Then select three more empowering responses the following week, and three more the week after that, until you have identified and debunked every disempowering question that derails your destiny. Make a commitment to reprogram your mind to have an empowering response for every one of them. (See pages 58–59)

Overcoming our disempowering beliefs isn’t easy. It takes a significant amount of work, introspection, and time. Moreover, it isn’t a “one and done.” You don’t just go through this process once and be finished with it. Rather, it’s an ongoing process of steps we must revisit over and over. We must therefore commit ourselves to long-term change, and our beliefs are of course at the core of that transformation. They are the foundation of who we are. Remember, the beliefs that got you to where you are today won’t get you to where you want to be tomorrow. They influence every aspect of your life. Don’t let your beliefs prevent you from living that life you’ve always imagined.

As I close this chapter about being stuck on “What if?” and the disempowering beliefs that can derail our dreams, I remember what Mahatma Gandhi said:

Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If you keep on saying to yourself that you cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that you may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if you have the belief that you can do it, you can certainly acquire the capacity to do it even if you may not have it at the current moment.1

Our beliefs must change with the times; they must also change alongside our goals. If they don’t change, then we don’t change, and our dreams will always remain on pause.

Disempowering “What If?” Questions

Empowering Responses

What if I’m not good enough?

I am unique and special. There is greatness inside of me and I have something of value to offer. I will give it my best and continue to grow. If someone doesn’t think I’m good enough, it’s only their opinion. Most important, it’s about how I feel about me, and I AM good enough.

What if I don’t have enough money?

This is a temporary state. Money is a resource, but it doesn’t define who I am. I am on a financial management plan to save, increase my income, and one day finance my dreams.

What if I’m not smart enough?

What I don’t know now I am open to learning. I am a lifelong learner who will continue to educate myself.

What if I get rejected or not selected?

Things happen for a reason. This was not the right opportunity or the right person, so a better one is around the corner. I won’t stop trying because what one person may not see in me many more will.

What if I get fired?

I would be released to pursue new opportunities. Every thing has an expiration date, so it must have been time to move on. When I ask or do something that is based on my personal conviction, I won’t be afraid of the consequences. Better opportunities will come along.

What if I fail?

Failure is a part of life but it’s not the end of the world. I will keep trying and I will learn from the experiences and be better the next time.

What if I am not qualified?

I have many gifts and talents that I can contribute. I am continuing to grow new skills that will enhance my qualifications. I am a person of value and I will find the right fit.

What if I don’t have time?

Everyone has the same amount of time in a day and I will manage mine wisely. I will plan appropriately and learn to be a better steward of the time I have. I will learn to say no and learn to delegate when it’s necessary, and I will not take on more than I can handle.

What if I look stupid?

I’m going to give it my best shot and be proud that I tried.

What if my heart gets broken?

Hearts can heal and I deserve to find love. I will keep my heart and mind open. If I had it broken before, I will forgive; I will not get bitter; I will get better. I cannot assume that the next person will break my heart; they may be the best thing to happen to me.

What if others don’t like me?

I don’t live by the approval of others. I am not trying to win a popularity contest. I have a great network of people around me who support and like me. If I don’t have the right people around me, I will find them.

What if I’m too old or too young?

There’s an old adage that says I am never too young to teach or too old to learn. I have so many lived experiences to share. I bring a fresh new perspective. I am open to learning new things.

What if I succeed? Then what?

I’ll learn from the things that worked and from the things that didn’t. I will celebrate my successes and continue to work hard. If I succeeded once, I’ll succeed again.

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