An Interpersonal Approach to Bullying

When ten-year-old Thomas Miller encountered bullying at school, he successfully confronted the situation using an interpersonal approach:

First, I went to the principal and told her about the bullying, but she didn’t do anything about it. Then I talked to my dad, who made some suggestions. So I followed his advice and tried preventing it by helping my friends when they were being bullied. (Like when one boy took another boy’s cap and started tossing it back and forth to other kids, to keep it away from the boy who owned it, I tried to catch it and give it back.) But then I—and a whole bunch of other kids —got in trouble and ended up in the principal’s office.

Then one day my dad talked to one of the kids who was bullying, and it got better, because the boy’s grandma was there and she told his mom. The boy felt bad for what he had done. Now there isn’t any more bullying.

Doing what I did was hard. I had to have strength and courage.

Feeling Like an Outsider? Take Action

To ensure people value and include you, it is important to get comfortable with a range of assertion strategies. When someone interrupts you, set a limit by telling the person you are not finished speaking. Left off a distribution list? Instead of allowing the action to erode your self-esteem, go to the person sending the message and ask to be included next time. Don’t overreact. It is best to allow the person to “save face” by assuming the microinequity was unintentional. A small act of exclusion might not warrant a long and deep discussion. Often, it is simply enough to ask for a change in behavior. If the behavior was unintentional, the person will probably stop. On the other hand, if the person continues excluding you, more serious intervention may be required. You may want to take the person aside to iron out the issues in your professional relationship. If this doesn’t work, you may need to seek outside help from a supervisor or Human Resources manager.

Political Organizing: Counteracting Rankism through Collective Action

At several points in my life, I saw my mother mold a group of relatively weak people into a force powerful enough to confront and overturn rulings handed down autocratically by bureaucrats. In the 1950s, the Port of New York Authority, which is commonly perceived to be all-powerful in New York and New Jersey, decided that another international airport was needed to serve New York City. The site it chose was known as “The Great Swamp,” an area of about 25 square miles. One part came within two miles of our home and a mile of the school attended by my brothers and me. The Great Swamp had blueberries growing in it. You could pick a ten-quart pail of them in an hour. Deer and other wildlife roamed about.

My mother organized a march on the capitol in Trenton, bursting into the chamber where the governor was giving a speech, with a banner that read, “Save our Swamp!” More importantly, the group found out who owned the swamplands and quietly bought up the property and made a gift of the land to the federal government for a wildlife preserve.

No airport was built. The townsfolk defeated the mighty Port Authority. Instead, Newark Airport was enlarged and today blueberries still grow and deer still live in New Jersey’s Great Swamp.

In her later years, my mother organized the residents of retirement communities in Florida to lobby the state legislature on behalf of seniors, and founded a group called the “VIPs” to defend the rights of Visually Impaired Persons.

Banding Together: Affinity Groups to Address Rankism

Where I work, employees can organize “affinity groups” for those with similar interests or experiences. I have recently started one that addresses rankism.

The rankism I am experiencing is mostly subtle. People expect me to know their name but don’t know mine. Much of the dismissiveness is nonverbal: sighing impatiently; rolling eyeballs; taking things from my desk; using language that creates separateness from the work group, e.g., “We like you in your place at the front desk.” When I did not recall the specifics of an employee’s compensation package, a senior staff member said, “You are uninformed and should go back to the hills where you came from.”

At first I wanted to resign, but did not have another job to transfer to. Now I find purpose in starting a group to address rankism. Some ideas I have for workshops are:

• Courageous communication: How to formulate an affirmative response that honors dignity when a rankist remark is made.
• Practicing verbal and non-verbal communication skills with the help of Theater of the Oppressed acting troupe.

I would think that rankist workplaces cost insurance companies more money— because rankism adversely affects health—and wonder if a survey instrument could be developed that would enable insurance companies to determine whether or not a company is rankist.

Success Factors: Thoughtful Planning and Respectful Action

In the examples below, two groups of college students successfully curtailed rankist behavior on the part of their professors. In both cases, thoughtful planning preceded action and everyone’s dignity was honored.

One of my professors had an extremely bad habit. During classroom discussions, when a student was trying to present an idea or ask a question, he’d often cut them off mid-sentence and give us his view of things. At first, the other students and I didn’t really perceive this as a problem. His knowledge of the subject was vast and his speaking style almost addictive. Listening to him was such a pleasure you’d almost forget that he wasn’t listening to you. But eventually we realized that we weren’t getting as much as we ought to from the sessions.

Finally, three of us talked it over and came up with a simple plan: We went to the professor’s office and explained the situation to him. I’m convinced that our approach was responsible for our success. We began by emphasizing our immense respect for him and made clear that we didn’t think he was interrupting us on purpose, but that it was affecting us adversely. The look of embarrassment that passed over his face was awful to behold. He genuinely did not realize what he had been doing. Classroom discussions immediately improved.

Note: Rankism may be invisible at first, but once identified it can often be cured by little more than the offending party’s basic sense of decency.

In the next example, students chose a different strategy—going over the head of their professor to enlist the help of others of higher rank. Again, the success of the strategy seems in large part due to the fact that everyone’s dignity was honored, and thoughtful planning preceded action.

In my school, one professor stands out as the most feared writing teacher. He hates excuses. “Better never than late” is his favorite saying.

In a class last semester, he started off as tough and critical as ever. But gradually, he began criticizing students personally—rather than just critiquing their work—and rambling on about the stupidity of other professors. The class was dismayed, but because he was shielded by his prestige and position, and because he had control of his students’ grades, no one dared to confront him.

Finally, a group of three students decided to speak to the department chair, who immediately arranged a meeting between the professor and a few of his peers. The faculty group first acknowledged the offending teacher’s years of accomplishment and service, but then made it clear that a growing number of people found his behavior abusive. The following week, the professor apologized to his classes and his behavior improved markedly, as did his mood. Because the chair and faculty approached their colleague with respect, he responded in a positive way. They managed to get relief for the students, correct the errant professor, and strengthen the entire department.

One Action Leads to Another

After reading Somebodies and Nobodies by Robert Fuller, Stephanie Heuer, a technology educator at an elementary school in the San Jose Unified School district, asked hundreds of students to complete the statements, “I Feel Like Nobody When...” and “I Feel Like Somebody When...” Heuer then put 50 of their responses into a book that is now being used in classrooms around the world to help young readers explore issues of dignity and respect. Entitled Dignity Rocks!: I Feel Like Nobody When…I Feel Like Somebody When…, the book is also being used to help children learn communication techniques to combat rankism in the classroom and at home.

Since then, Heuer has developed DignityRocks! seminars for children and teenagers. They are available to schools through her website, www.dignityrocks.com.

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• I feel like nobody when other kids make fun of my clothes.
• I feel like nobody when I miss a goal playing soccer.
• I feel like nobody when I am ignored.
• I feel like nobody when my parents fight. It scares me.
• I feel like somebody when I help my dad outside. I like to cut the grass.
• I feel like somebody when my friends recognize what I do best.
• I feel like somebody when I get a big hug.
• I feel like somebody when I help my little sister with her homework.
• She thinks I know everything. She thinks I’m a somebody.