CHAPTER TEN

Taking Trust to the Next Level

Trust Begins with You

Throughout this book, we’ve taken you on a journey to discover trust. You’ve explored what trust means and been introduced to the far-reaching impacts of both its presence and its absence. You’ve learned about the behaviors that build trust, the level of commitment needed to sustain it, and what to do to repair it when it’s been broken. You’ve been inspired to want trust—and to behave differently in your relationships in order to attract it.

Attracting trust means you are first willing to extend it. Your readiness to extend trust is grounded in your attitude, beliefs, and outlook. Trust begins with you and your ability to align your behavior with sound intentions—an ability that lays a healthy foundation for your relationships. To bring yourself to relationships with others in a trustworthy way, you must first nurture the most central relationship you have—the one you hold with you.

In this closing chapter, we turn your attention to the relationship you have with yourself. We support you in expanding your Capacity for Trust and taking trust to the next level by going deeper into this connection through four pathways. They are: Take Care of Yourself, Believe in Yourself, Make Room for Yourself, and Be a Friend to Yourself. It is from this deeper connection with yourself that you take trust to the next level in your relationships, team, organization, and broader community. Trust begins with you.

Trust Begins with you

Take Care of Yourself

The Take Care of Yourself pathway focuses on your relationship with your physical body. Your body is the vehicle that carries you through life. It’s the vessel that takes you where you need to go and the conduit through which you connect with others each and every day. You use your body to move, speak, listen, and behave. You rely on it to house and protect your inner spirit, instincts, and core beliefs.

When you compromise the care of your body, you put yourself in a place where it’s difficult to hear your inner truth, to tune into your instincts, and to trust yourself to do what needs to be done. When you take care of yourself, you give your body the nourishment, rest, and activity it needs to show up in your relationships in a strong way, to give you what you need to connect, build, and grow over the long term.

The Take Care of Yourself pathway asks you to focus on your primary physical needs for nutrition, rejuvenation, and movement. Our desire isn’t to prescribe a specific diet, tell you how many hours of sleep you need, or dictate the most effective workout regime to keep your body fit. We do, however, encourage you to discover the most appropriate self-care formula for yourself. In fact, we propose that doing so is non-negotiable in your quest to develop trustworthy relationships.

Here’s why: When you let others down or betray them, you typically don’t mean to. The vast majority of the time, you may not even be aware that you’ve done so. This is because your breach of trust is often the by-product of your disconnection with yourself. You’re most vulnerable to living in this disconnected place when you’re operating in overdrive: pushing, overextending, over-giving, and otherwise neglecting your own physical well-being. When you’re not grounded within a healthy, balanced body, you betray yourself.

We often hear people talk about how little sleep they’re getting by on. The compromises to their diet in the name of “this is all I could get my hands on.” The neglect of their exercise regimes because they “just don’t have the time.” It’s true that life’s circumstances cut into our sleep, nutrition, and workouts. When this neglect becomes a pattern, however, you run the risk of overriding your core, human needs. You put your relationship with yourself in peril, and along with it your relationships with others.

We ask you to consider how you’re caring for your physical self. Do you feel energized to build trust in your relationships every day? Or is your body signaling that it’s a bit overwhelmed, stretched, and tired? Do you have the energy to jump into your work, life, and relationships with enthusiasm, or are you simply doing what you can to get by?

To walk the Take Care of Yourself pathway, discover what you need to be energized over the course of your day. Contemplate the best sources of nutrition to fuel your body and enliven your senses. Think about the hours of sleep your body actually requires to feel alert and vibrant. Pinpoint the type of physical movement that keeps you limber and vital. These personal health practices are the core ingredients to keeping you energized and engaged with life. Everyone’s personal health practices will be different: your job is to discover what you need to be healthy and create a rhythm in your schedule that integrates all three components of healthful living.

Rest assured—we are not talking about pumping iron, getting washboard abs, or taking in the latest cleansing diet. What we’re talking about here are the simple, everyday things your body needs to stay alive, alert, and active. Taking care of yourself at this basic level energizes you. Making the commitment to your personal health practices releases you from pent-up anxieties and nagging illnesses, and grounds you in a centered relationship with yourself. You have more patience, more tolerance, and a greater capacity to learn, grow, and trust.

You owe it to yourself to treat the care of your physical body as a priority. When you do, you’re also prioritizing your relationships with others. The more you care for yourself, the more you have to give. The more you deepen your relationship with your physical being, the better positioned you are to take your relationships with others to the next level.

Believe in Yourself

The Believe in Yourself pathway focuses on your relationship with your inner spirit. You are a unique human being, and there is no one else like you in the world. You have unique gifts, talents, and perspectives that you bring to your relationships with others. You have experience and knowledge that position you to make the world a better place. The health of your inner spirit relies on your respect for this innate uniqueness and the positive intention with which you bring yourself to your life.

Consider all of the roles you play in the work you do and the life you lead. You are a number of things to a number of people: co-worker, boss, employee, customer, sister, brother, son, wife, father, partner, neighbor. Contemplate your contribution to these relationships—to the teams you work with, the community you serve, and the family you nurture. Think about the difference your efforts have made to your networks over the course of a lifetime.

Next, imagine the positive things you’d hear your closest connections say about you if only you’d listen. Would they say you are kind, brave, smart, or generous? Would they sing praises of your ethical toughness, devotion to quality, or admirable dependability? Would you be able to accept these positive things your friends, colleagues, and family members say about you? Would you be able to accept that you are appreciated just for being who you are?

As you walk the Believe in Yourself pathway, we ask you to consider accepting the words of appreciation from others as the clearest reflection of your inner spirit. Be willing to accept that those who know you best are in the best position to see the contributions you make. That they’re qualified to hold up the mirror and show you your true value. We encourage you to accept their expressions of gratitude, to claim others’ positive perceptions of your strengths as inner truths you can hold close as personal affirmations. No one can take these inner truths away from you—ever. Especially when you need them most, during the tough times.

Because there will be tough times. There will be hurts and letdowns. Others will betray you and you will betray them. Unintentional breaches of trust will occur. When they do, you may find yourself second-guessing your capabilities and doubting your contributions to others—and perhaps even to life itself. In the complexity of relationships, it’s easy to lose sight of the most cherished parts of yourself—your inner truths. Yet, it’s during these times you most need to believe in yourself, remember who you are, and be proud of the value you bring to the world.

Life is dynamic. There are times when it seems like it’s in your favor and times when it doesn’t. Your belief in yourself helps you move through difficult situations, tests of character, and energy leaks sprung by the natural rhythms of trust and betrayal. In these times of tribulation, we urge you to tune into what you know to be true about yourself; to leverage these reference points as anchors within your shadow of doubt and have faith that they will enable you to move through your pain and disappointment and learn to trust again.

Your belief in yourself can form a steady cadence that drives your movement through this world. It can help you honor yourself: your inner courage, your willingness to take risks and open doors, your ability to be vulnerable and extend forgiveness. It can put up a strong barrier between you and those who would ask you to compromise your inner spirit and what you know to be right.

Your belief in yourself can illuminate your way forward when you’re surrounded by uncertainty or confusion. When you believe that you are a naturally caring person, that you want to do the right thing, and that you are on a search to become the best version of yourself, you infuse your inner spirit with what is most essential—strength and resilience as you move through the demanding business of trust building.

In the Believe in Yourself pathway, we ask you to think carefully about the language you use to communicate with yourself. Do your words reflect a positive inner belief in yourself? If not, reach for the words that create this positive belief. Ground yourself in a healthy outlook about what you bring to this world. Take pride in your unique contributions. Everyone needs to be seen and understood for who they are. You can answer this need for yourself.

Make Room for Yourself

The Make Room for Yourself pathway focuses on your need for time to tune into yourself. When you make room for yourself, you create the space you need to integrate what you’ve discovered about your approach to relationships into your greater awareness. You become more conscious of what you need for support and guide yourself to override your knee-jerk reactions and “business as usual” attitudes to both life and work. You rely on this pathway to shift your perceptions, develop wisdom, and honor your highest intentions.

On the quiet Make Room for Yourself pathway, we ask you to create space within which you connect to yourself. We urge you to pause, breathe, and reflect. When you hear “make room for yourself,” you may be inclined to think in big terms: full days off, a weekend unplugged from email, extended vacations, even several-month sabbaticals. Although it’s important to make these big “rooms” for yourself, it’s even more vital to create a series of little “rooms” throughout the course of each day where you take a moment to catch your breath and reflect. Creating these little rooms for yourself—even just a few minutes each—can give you the gifts of peace, focus, and perspective.

These gifts appear because when you build space to just “be,” you pause the grind, the expectations, and the constant demand to give to others. Instead, you give to yourself. You remember who you are. You sink back into your own skin. You allow yourself to tune in to your thoughts and feelings. We encourage you to absorb the clarity that comes during these moments of stillness. Welcome the perspective and wisdom you gain; they represent your truth.

Walking the Make Room for Yourself pathway means you must be intentional in setting time for you. This requires you to be mindful of your tendency to over commitment. To say no or not right now, when saying yes would put you into hyper-drive. To stop racing toward the future or lamenting about the past, and step away from the buzz of the electronic world, even if just for a few moments.

Building this commitment to make room for yourself doesn’t have to be arduous. Even two minutes can be enough time to reclaim your sense of self. Arriving early for a meeting can give you the room you need to center, remember why you’re doing what you’re doing, and to set your intentions for how you want to show up as you connect with others. Spending a little extra time after a conference call to refill your tea and process your day can be enough. It’s not the grandeur of the “room” that’s important—it’s the benefit of the silence and stillness you find there, the presence you gain.

The first step along the Make Room for Yourself pathway is to give yourself permission to take the time you need for yourself. Remember, this time isn’t selfish or decadent. It is responsible. Trust begins with you. When you connect with yourself, you’re more able to forge trustworthy connections with others.

Be a Friend to Yourself

The Be a Friend to Yourself pathway focuses on being kind to yourself—on cutting yourself some slack, remembering you are a work in progress, and giving yourself credit for doing your best at any moment in time. Your ability to be a friend to yourself influences your ability to build trustworthy friendships with others.

Are you your own worst enemy? We’re all usually harder on ourselves than anybody else. When others beat themselves up, how do you respond? We’d imagine you say things like “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Look at what you’ve accomplished. You’ll only improve next time.” We encourage you to reimagine your relationship with yourself and infuse it with the kindness, understanding, and the steady encouragement you give to those whom you most respect, trust, or love.

In your friendships with others, you support their growth and progress—even when that progress is gained from the deeper wisdom generated by letdowns and disappointments. You support their ambition—even when they wind up biting off “more than they can chew.” In the space of friendship, you encourage others to reach for opportunities to achieve, yet provide a “soft landing” of compassionate reassurance if they fall short. You don’t let your friends speak negatively of themselves when they stretch yet miss the mark. You don’t let them beat themselves up when life asks for more than they’re able to give. You don’t make them wrong as people. In fact, you remind them of who they are and celebrate their efforts.

As you walk the Be a Friend to Yourself pathway, we ask you to show up for yourself the way you show up for others. Support your own opportunities to learn, grow, and achieve. Yes, it’s important to tell the truth and take ownership when you don’t get the results you’re looking for. But it’s equally important to recognize that shortcomings aren’t flaws in your character; they’re little proofs of your humanity. Friends don’t stop supporting one another when their imperfections come to light. Neither should you stop supporting yourself when you struggle.

So, how do you travel the Be a Friend to Yourself pathway? What does being a friend to you look like? How do you show up for yourself as your own best friend? First, cut yourself some slack. Stop breathing down your own neck. Get off your own back. When your inner voice spouts off that you’re not good enough, tell it that it’s wrong. Back away from your tendencies toward perfection and recognize that you are a work in progress—just like everyone else in this world. That you’re growing in awareness and consciousness. That at any given time, you’re doing the best you can with what you have and from where you stand. But above all, be kind to yourself. Take a step forward with the knowledge that next time you will do better.

Consider how you extend kindness to others across the breadth of your relationships and mimic those efforts toward yourself. Gift yourself with gentle reminders, little encouragements, big acknowledgements, and positive affirmations.

Give yourself permission to take care of your body through better nutrition, deeper rest, and more satisfying physical activity. Create daily reminders of what you know to be true about the value you bring to this world. Build pauses into your day in which you set your intentions and reclaim your perspective. Give yourself these kindnesses just as sincerely and frequently as you would give them to a friend and watch your relationship with you—with all of you—thrive and influence the health and trustworthiness of your relationships with others.

Final Thoughts

As we close this final chapter of Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace, we’d like to give you a piece of inspiration to take with you: The energy you need to build, sustain, and rebuild trust in your life is always available to you. As you walk the four pathways that deepen your relationship with yourself—Take Care of Yourself, Believe in Yourself, Make Room for Yourself, and Be a Friend to Yourself—you honor you and the intentions you bring to your relationships.

Walking the pathways support you in tapping your inner truth when you take care of your body, mind, and spirit. You discover your ability to put your self-critic on mute, turn up the volume on your intuition, and move through the world in a fluid manner. You develop the talent to view yourself holistically, positively, and compassionately. You visualize a new reality for yourself founded on the serene confidence that you can transform your relationships.

Trust is a vital force in your connections with others and with yourself. Walking the pathways given to you in this chapter creates alignment with this force and grants you access to the infinite energy available to you in your efforts to forge trustworthy relationships. With this alignment, you stay true to yourself through the challenges and disappointments life brings. You bring yourself to others with an open mind and compassionate heart, and, in the end, wind up receiving more than you give. Trust begins with you.

The energy you need to build, sustain, and
rebuild trust is always available to you.