CHAPTER 5
LISTEN UP!
If the person you’re talking to isn’t listening, be patient. Maybe he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.
—Winnie-the-Pooh
Listening is probably the most misunderstood communication process we use. Listening is not waiting for your turn to talk, but it appears that is how most of us listen—while the other person is talking, all we’re doing is thinking about what we are going to say next—and, because we aren’t hearing what is being said, the odds are our response doesn’t move the communication process forward.
“Listening well is essential for workplace success. The U.S. Department of Labor estimates that of the total time we spend in communication, 22 percent is devoted to reading and writing, 23 percent to speaking—and 55 percent to listening.”1
Jenny and Bob are working together on a team project that requires them to make a presentation to their company’s leadership team next week. Jenny says, “Bob, we need to get this finished today in order to have time to practice so we can be perfect by next week. Can you spare some time today to work with me on the final slides?”
While she’s speaking, Bob hears Jenny say they’re going to have to work late tonight and he has to be at his son’s school event. He interrupts her to say, “I can’t, Jenny. I have to leave on time today to get to Colin’s play. You’ll have to finish it on your own.”
Jenny is totally confused and says, “How come I have to do all the work? You’re always letting me and the team down.”
Bob gets mad at her accusation that he isn’t a team player and storms out of her office. Jenny stares at his back as he leaves the room and wonders what just happened!
Listening is hard work, and most of the time when we think of communication, we focus on words—either in writing or speaking—and we don’t spend a lot of time learning how to listen. In her book, The Power of a Good Fight, Lynne Eisaguirre says:
Part of the problem is our lack of understanding about how our minds work and how the mind and our senses interact, especially what we hold in our minds as “truths.” Our hearing is ever present. There is no switch to turn it off. We can close our eyes, but not our ears. We live in a culture where we’re constantly bombarded by sounds; our sense of balance is tied to our hearing. It’s no accident that so many of us feel constantly out of balance because of the bombardment of information from inside our minds as well as external sounds.2
There are many things that get in the way as we listen or even try to listen. Consider, for example:
Setting—what else is going on when you are having a conversation? Are you in a private setting where it is quiet and, therefore, easy to hear what is being said? Or, are you trying to have a substantive discussion in a noisy restaurant or any place where there are a lot of distractions?
Timing—are both people in the conversation ready to talk about a particular subject at this time? Consider how difficult it is to listen when the other person has brought up a subject you weren’t expecting and you need time to think about how you really want to proceed.
Beliefs—what beliefs do I hold that are potentially in conflict with the person with whom I am communicating?
Perceptions—what preconceived ideas do I have about the person across from me? Am I reacting to how he/she is dressed or how he/she speaks?
Emotions—am I having a bad day? Did I come to work today with emotional baggage left from something that happened at home this morning?
Cultural differences—is this person from a different part of the world or a different religion?
Relationships—do I compete with this person for “face time” with the CEO? Do we have a natural rivalry? Might this person stand in my way for a promotion?
Words—does this person use words I don’t understand?
Assumptions—am I applying my own assumptions to what the speaker is saying?
Chapter 2: Why Can’t Everyone Be Like Me?
Jennifer Nycz-Connor writes, “Don’t make the classic mistake of assuming when you should be listening. As managers, we miss cues when employees are frustrated or unhappy, and it’s only when they hand us their resignations that our hindsight kicks in. Take some time to actively listen to those around you.”3
When there’s conflict, it is extremely important for the parties to come together in person rather than trying to resolve their differences by phone or, perish the thought, by e-mail or text messages. Why? Because we communicate with more than just words. Many times non-verbal cues that are impossible to see or feel unless you are face to face, make or break the discussion. E-communications are primarily a text medium with no social interaction. They don’t convey body language, expressions, tone or voice, and other subtleties that exist in face-to-face communication. E-communications are composed and not spontaneous and, there is no immediate feedback or acknowledgment and no guarantee that a message is heard. And, when the stakes are high and resolving the issue is critical personally or professionally, communicating in person takes on even more importance! However, when you work remotely or in different cities, states, or countries, face-to-face communication may be impossible, so pick up the phone and have a two-way conversation.
Chapter 4: What’s the Problem?
Mike and Lynne work in two different departments for a small organization. Their offices are about 50 feet apart. They both are very passionate about their work, but neither is very patient. They each will fight to the end for their point of view which, more often than not, does not agree with the other’s position on the issue at hand. So, consider this e-mail exchange:
Mike sends Lynne the first e-mail to say that one of his employees had trouble logging on to the time and attendance software three times this week and Lynne’s help desk wasn’t helpful. He says to her, “Fix it!”
Lynne responds immediately with a terse message that says, “Your employee must not know how to use the system. It works for everyone else.” Mike responds in an equally hostile manner and the chain of e-mails goes on 19 times. Remember: These are people who work in the same office, 50 feet away from each other! This conflict will never be resolved unless they get together, listen to each other, and observe the non-verbal cues.
What does it feel like when you know that someone is really listening to what you are saying? The odds are that it feels pretty good and, unfortunately, we don’t get that feeling often enough. When you are listened to, you feel satisfied, respected, and that what you’re saying was heard. What we really want is to be heard and understood.
This is especially true when applying good listening techniques to resolving (or even preventing) conflict in the workplace. Listening is a powerful part of the communication process that can help any of us increase our effectiveness—and not just at work. Think about how it feels in your personal life when a spouse, child, parent, sibling, or friend really gets what you are trying to say—when they hear you!
Listening takes place in three stages: receiving, processing, and responding. In the receiving phase, if you are the listener, you have to take in or receive what the other person is saying. You need to carefully listen to the words, observe body language if you are speaking face to face, and, if you are a really good listener with well-honed skills, you will listen for what is not being said as well. Some people call this “listening for the music—not just the words,” or as Shannon L. Adler said, “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t being said. The art of reading between the lines is a lifelong quest of the wise.”4
As the speaker is talking, you as the listener begin to process what your ears and eyes are taking in. Your mind starts to process the information you’ve heard. You try to understand what you’ve heard so that you know what it is they are asking or telling you. This is a very private process and takes place in your brain in a very short period of time. This process has to take place so that you as the listener can respond to the speaker.
Then, you respond to what you’ve heard and what your brain has processed. If you’ve listened carefully and observed all the visual cues available to you, hopefully you’ve understood what the speaker intended and you respond in a way that lets the speaker know he/she was heard. This then allows the two of you to move forward in a highly productive way. If you’ve misunderstood something that was said, or the intent, then the speaker has an opportunity to correct your assumption, hopefully in a manner that illuminates the issue. The connection has then been made.
Appendix: The Communication Cycle
Sam and Ralph have worked together for many years and have a very positive working relationship. One day, Sam goes to Ralph’s office to discuss an idea he’s come up with that will have a big impact on Ralph’s department. Sam says, “I’ve come up with something that your department needs to do right away!”
Ralph puts up a hand to stop him talking and yells, “Who are you to tell me what to do?”
Sam quickly responds, “I guess I didn’t say that right.”
Because the world we live and work in moves so quickly, it’s critical to try to slow down when listening in a conflict management situation so as not to create misunderstandings. We’ve all gotten good at ignoring some things we hear while focusing on other things being said. In other words, we jump to conclusions. Sometimes, we jump to the right conclusion, but sometimes we totally miss the mark and make matters worse. Because we move so quickly from what we hear to forming a conclusion, we may not be aware that we’ve missed out on some valuable information along the way. Remember the restaurant owner in Chapter 4 who was too quick to jump to the wrong conclusion?
To avoid jumping to conclusions, you may want to take the time to have each person describe what they heard before moving on to trying to resolve the conflict.
Carol hears from a coworker that the entire team is going to have to work this coming weekend. Before she clarifies the message, she rushes into her manager’s office, interrupts her phone call, and yells that this is unacceptable—they should have discussed this at the staff meeting yesterday and, besides, she can’t work on the weekend because it is her wedding anniversary and they are going away. Her boss quickly stands up and says, “Carol, you’re really out of line here and don’t speak to me in that tone.”
When they cool down, the manager lets Carol know that she wasn’t on the list for the weekend project; she’d gotten bad information.
Active Listening
Active listening is the most powerful way to capture the entire message the speaker is attempting to convey. Active listening encourages the other person to talk. As an active listener, you capture both the words and the music. And the speaker gets the message that you really heard what he/she was saying and the actual message he/she wanted to share with you. Active listening takes some work and some practice, but the payoff is high. Active listening is critical to resolving conflict in the workplace, so it is worth taking the time to learn and practice the techniques. Active listening, however, is not about agreeing with everything the other person is saying; it is about achieving in a nonjudgmental way an understanding of what the person speaking means.
Here’s how it works:
While the speaker is talking, the active listener sends messages to encourage the speaker to provide more information or to show more emotion. This is done in several ways, including a smile, a nod, a raised eyebrow, but especially by having the listener maintain eye contact with the speaker. In order for active listening to work, the listener has to sincerely want to hear what is being said. Consider how it would feel if you were sharing an extremely serious subject with a colleague who, while you’re pouring your heart out, is rolling his/her eyes or smiling? You’d probably stop talking and walk away, and the communication cycle would be broken.
On the flip side, if while you are talking the listener nods to indicate he/she understands how important this topic is to you, chances are you’d want to continue the conversation and maybe, just maybe, you’d share even more information than you originally intended.
However, as the listener, non-verbal communication isn’t enough in the active listening process. You’ll need to get comfortable with some quick and easy words or phrases to let the speaker know you are really paying attention.
Consider words and phrases such as:
Yes.
I see.
Really?
Great.
Oh.
That’s interesting.
How you say the previous words and phrases is also important. Your tone has to be non-judgmental and especially not flippant or sarcastic. Remember: Your intent here is to learn as much as you can about what the speaker is saying, so be encouraging.
Another way to move the process forward is to repeat what the speaker has said—a word or a phrase that you want to know more about or to understand better. To do this you need to repeat exactly what the speaker said and make it a question so that the speaker then amplifies what they meant. This is especially helpful if the speaker says something that is less than specific or uses a word or phrase that you don’t understand.
As you are learning the active listening technique, remember the idea that asking open-ended questions gets you a lot more information than closed-ended questions. For example:
Ask “What did you think were the main points of the report?” rather than “Did you like the report?”
Ask “How do you think we could get the information we need to make a good decision?” rather than “Do you have everything you need to decide?”
Use probes to get additional information, such as, “Tell me more,” “How so?” “Why?” and, if you’re good with it, use silence. Most people are uncomfortable with periods of silence and will fill it up with information. It may be just the information you need and you might not have gotten it any other way than by being silent.
Another effective active listening technique is to paraphrase what you’ve heard the speaker saying. Try to do it in one sentence by saying, “What I heard you say was…” or “It sounds like what I heard you say was….”
Chapter 4: What’s the Problem?
Carrie and Maggie have worked together for years, but sometimes find themselves at odds on how to manage the work in their department. One day, Maggie says to Carrie, “In the staff meeting yesterday, you came across as too critical of the IT department and the work they did on the roll-out of our company intranet.”
The good news is both of them had just participated in a webinar on active listening, so Carrie took the opportunity to put into practice what she’d learned.
While Maggie was speaking, Carrie watched for non-verbal cues and saw that Maggie’s body language indicated she wasn’t angry about the meeting. She noticed Maggie smiled when she made her statements that could have been a criticism of Carrie but, in reality, were words she could take in a positive manner and learn from them. Before she responded, she paused for a moment to think about what she’d just heard, which was difficult for her because she’d always been someone who was quick to speak and usually had her response prepared before the other person stopped speaking. She asked for clarification.
“Thanks for letting me know. Can you tell me more about what you heard me say and why you thought it could be interpreted as criticism?” This exchange, using active listening techniques, proved to be successful in moving the dialogue forward in a positive manner.
Active Listening means making a deliberate effort to understand what the other person’s message is from his/her point of view, paying attention to all verbal and non-verbal signals, clarifying meaning when you don’t understand, and rephrasing and showing your desire to understand what is being said.
Listen to learn. Be interested and show it.
Seek understanding. Listen to words and clarify understanding.
Turn off your listening filters. Don’t allow yourself to think of anything except what the speaker is saying.
Be patient. Avoid interrupting the person during his/her explanation.
Withhold judgment until you have all the facts.
Focus on content as well as delivery.
Pay attention to non-verbal signals.
Recognize that listening is not waiting for your turn to talk. The absence of talk is not the same as listening. Pausing during your discussion may prompt the person to volunteer additional relevant information.
Resist the urge to formulate a response until after the speaker is finished.
Listen with compassion. Be aware of your tone of voice and body language.
Listen for feelings as well as facts.
Listen for what is not said, and use the opportunity to probe for more information.
Listen for what you don’t want to hear as well as what you do want to hear.
Listen long enough to understand what the other person is telling you.5
Reflective Listening
When you’re listening carefully and watching for non-verbal cues, you are acting like a mirror to reflect back emotions you sense. These emotions, most likely, carry a great deal of the message the speaker is attempting to convey. You can reflect on either the content or the feeling that is being expressed. It shows understanding and acceptance and allows you to keep the conversation on track. It’s important to put the comment/probe in the form of a question in order to get the speaker to confirm, deny, or clarify what was said. Keep your questions and your tone pitched at a low level so that the speaker doesn’t feel attacked. To encourage reflective listening, consider comments and questions such as:
“It sounds like that was a fun experience. Did I hear you correctly?”
“Wow. That must have hurt. Are you okay?”
“I’m hearing frustration in your voice. Is that so?”
“It sounds as if you really….”
“Do you think it’s a good idea if…?”
“You would really like it if.…”
“Do you think that…?”
Appendix: Self-Reflection Exercise—What Is Your Listening Style?
One way to resolve conflict in the workplace is to have a productive dialogue where both people in the situation are able to get their points across. Here are some ways to encourage dialogue:
Put the other person at ease and start with some small talk.
Sit next to each other rather than across from each other.
Maintain good eye contact.
Speak in a warm, welcoming tone of voice.
Use phrases such as “I see,” “I hear you,” and “I understand.”
Be sensitive to the other person’s frame of mind.
Be patient and don’t interrupt the other speaker until he/she is finished talking.
Use the active or reflective listening skills described previously.
Listening Filters
As Mark Goulston writes, “…without realizing it, we categorize people instantly in the following sequence:
Gender.
Generation (age).
Nationality (or ethnicity).
Education level.
Emotion.
The sequence goes in this order because we see a person’s gender, generation, and nationality first, hear the person’s educational level second, and feel the person’s level of emotionality third. Keep (this) in mind, and it’ll help you to spot subconscious filters that keep you from listening to—and reaching—other people.”6
Appendix: Barriers to Communication
Listening isn’t easy, but good listening skills can be learned and practiced at work and at home. You know how it feels when you are communicating with someone and you know he/she is sincerely interested in not just hearing you, but understanding why this is important to you and what his/her role is in making whatever needs to be done happen.
If you are in a conflict situation and you want to know where the other person is coming from and you really want to resolve the conflict, then follow these tips:
Be sincere.
Be curious.
Be understanding.
Be patient.
Listening well helps us manage conflict. It’s not easy to slow down and take the time to really hear what the other person is saying. Or as Lynne Eisaguirre puts it in The Power of a Good Fight, “We can be passionate about our listening. We can learn to listen with as much energy and enthusiasm as we talk. Instead of listening for evidence that confirms our point of view, we can listen for the creative energy in the conflict—both in ourselves and in others.”7
Answer the Question That Was Asked!
Here’s a real conversation that shows the importance of answering the question that is asked.
Adam: “We haven’t heard from Tony since he returned from his vacation cruise.”
Gracie: “How long was he away?”
Adam: “He got back about two weeks ago—about the 29th.”
Gracie: “That’s not what I asked. I asked how long he’d been gone—not when he got back—because I had no idea he was even away!”
As John Marshall, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court said, “To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well.”8
Essential Tips
Listening takes work, but the payoff is great.
Listening isn’t about planning what you’re going to say while the other person is still speaking.
Consider what gets in the way of you being a good listener: the setting, timing, your beliefs, your emotions, any cultural differences, your relationship with the speaker, or the words being used.
There are three stages of listening: receiving, processing, and responding.
Active listening allows the listener both the words and the music.
When you use reflective listening, you’re acting like a mirror to reflect back what emotions you hear.
Good listening habits help to manage conflict.