CHAPTER 3

The Healthy Response

The Fork in the Road to Success

So just what is this law, this optimal human response to fear? The best evidence, surprisingly, comes from our observations of chimpanzees both in laboratory studies and in the wild. Why these particular primates? Because they share over 90 percent of human DNA and their emotional brains—their midbrains—are most similar to ours. A baby chimp, when frightened, does not run or burrow or fly or attack. Instead, no matter what the threat might be, it reaches to its mother, leaps onto her back or into her arms, and stays there until the amygdala quiets. Adult chimps are similar in their response. In observations in the wild it’s been noted that, when facing a threat, chimpanzees consistently make eye contact with one another as a first response before attacking or leaping to safety. To test this, a group of Dutch anthropologists created a mechanical papier-mâché leopard and positioned it to leap in front of a group of chimps, scaring them on their way to a watering hole. How do you think the chimps responded? They all reached for one another, making a connection first, before the two dominate chimps ventured forth to do battle with the paper leopard.

The more I observed these monkeys, the more I became interested in this unique response to fear. I wondered, why was this the primate’s instinctive response? In search of an answer, I reviewed Dr. Harry Harlow’s controversial early studies with rhesus macaque monkeys. Although distressing to observe, the research was extremely revealing. In these studies, baby monkeys were raised for six months by terry-cloth “mothers” or mothers made out of wire (not very comforting!). While watching the videos, we humans are painfully aware that the mothers are not real. However, they were the only maternal comfort the baby rhesus monkeys had ever known. Each infant became attached to its particular mother, recognizing its face and preferring it above all others. At six months of age, the baby monkeys were suddenly taken from their terry-cloth mothers and placed alone in a room where nothing was moving and there was no sound. The room held only inanimate objects, nothing larger than the monkey, and nothing overtly threatening. The isolation and the unfamiliarity of the room, however, was enough to trigger the small creatures’ amygdalas and the terrified animals would crouch into balls, shaking, paralyzed with fear. The researchers found that their amygdalas would never quiet, no matter how long they were alone in the room. Left there, these small animals would have eventually died of fright. Once the familiar mother was reintroduced to the room, however, the young monkeys would leap onto the terry cloth, seeking the comfort necessary to allay their fears. Once reassured of connection, they would then become playful in the room, venturing out once again to explore objects and intermittently retreating to the comfort of their mothers. The monkeys who were provided wire “mothers” or no mother at all—those who never experienced comfort when they reached out—never became accustomed to the room.^*

After observing several more films depicting this natural response to fear demonstrated by these primates, the optimal human response to fear became abundantly clear. For those of you who are parents, or who were once children (hopefully at least one of these applies to you), I suspect that you may recognize this same adaptive response in our own untrained young as well. Consider this common scenario: when awakened by a nightmare or the frightening sound of thunder, what do young children instinctively do? The answer is universal. In response to such terror, without a moment’s hesitation or training, small children will run straight to their parents’ bed. The parents typically embrace the child and say in a soothing voice: “It’s only a nightmare” or “It’s only thunder” in an attempt to calm their fear—as if those words mean anything to a small trembling child! And what does the child do next? He or she falls peacefully back to sleep in the safety of mother or father’s arms. Did the doctor teach the infant to do this before leaving the hospital? Of course not! The child knows to do this because it is the natural, optimal human response to fear. We are meant to reach to another for support. We are suggesting that the Law of Success, the fork in the road to success to is be aware of and accepting of fear and be willing when afraid, to reach to another for support.

As you consider that thought, let’s return to the longitudinal studies mentioned earlier in the Introduction. In each of the investigations—the Kauai, Terman, and Harvard Grant Studies, as well as the Study of Adult Development—it was discovered that a person’s ability to reach for support, along with the presence of supportive others in their lives, were critical underlying factors in an individual’s long-term success. Take, for example, the high-risk children in the Kauai Longitudinal Study who ended up thriving at ages 18 and 30 despite significant early life challenges. These children, it was noted, had the opportunity to establish a close bond with at least one caretaker from whom they received positive attention during the first years of life. In many cases (like the monkeys raised with terry-cloth mothers), this bond was not with the child’s biological parent, but instead a relative, neighbor, baby sitter, or another caring adult who had stepped in to fulfill the nurturing role. The children also tended to be well-liked by their classmates, had at least one close friend, and they seemed to find a great deal of emotional support outside the immediate family. Many of the thriving youth also mentioned a favorite teacher who became a role model, friend, and confidant who was particularly supportive at times when the child’s family was beset by discord or threatened with dissolution. As Dr. Werner summarized, “The resilient children had at least one person in their lives who accepted them unconditionally, regardless of temperamental idiosyncrasies or physical or mental handicaps.”¹

Now to some of you, it may appear that reaching for support contradicts the basic principles of competition, which many of us believe underlie success and allow some people to thrive to a greater extent than others in today’s world. You might be concerned that by purposefully reaching for support, you could interfere with your ability to succeed. There is no denying that individual competition does, in fact, play an essential role in generating some successes in life. For example, we often see competition exert itself meaningfully when we are in the “climbing the ladder” phases of life. You may believe that you got into college because you were smarter than the person sitting next to you in high school, or you may think that you received your advanced degree, or landed a coveted job because you worked harder than other college students or fellow employees. Perhaps you believe that you attracted your mate because you were more powerful, kinder and more compassionate, more physically fit, more intelligent, or better parent material than others around you; or, you may believe that because you’ve eaten right, exercised regularly, and avoided cigarettes, you’ve been immune to some of the illnesses others have encountered. On the other hand, maybe you think that others have succeeded more than you did because they demonstrated these sorts of strengths in daily competition.

All of these considerations certainly have some bearing on the truth, and individual competition is definitely important in some stages of and activities in life. However, what many of us don’t recognize is that competition doesn’t necessarily lead to sustained success in any area of life. Once these initial successes are achieved, the time comes when we must collaborate, inspire others to collaborate, ask for help, and allow others to help us in order to grow beyond initial stages to the highest levels of success. Growing up and living in an enriched, caring environment gives a person the freedom and opportunity to practice asking for help and the opportunity to learn to compete or collaborate selectively, whichever might be called for in a given situation. These skills are essential in our adult lives, where collaboration is most often the key to success.

Herbert Spencer first coined the phrase “survival of the fittest”² after reading about the concept of natural selection in Charles Darwin’s On the Origin of the Species. This phrase has often been misunderstood to mean each animal competing with every other animal of the same species for food, territory, and mating privileges. This was not at all what Darwin had in mind. What Darwin wrote was: “In the long history of humankind (and animal kind too) those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.” He, like many successful individuals past and present, recognized that reaching for support is essential in achieving and sustaining long term success.

You can’t do it all yourself. Don’t be afraid to rely on others to help you accomplish your goals.

—Oprah Winfrey

Consider the following thoughts from other remarkable people who have shared similar insights. Sir Isaac Newton stated it well when he said, “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulder of giants.”³ This was not false modestly, but rather an awareness that his many strengths and successes were due to the support of others. This perspective is the rule, not the exception, for successful individuals. Successful people recognize their need for support and consistently see reaching out to others as a strength rather than a weakness. At the peak of his business success, Henry Ford stated: “I invented nothing new. I simply assembled the discoveries of other men behind whom were centuries of work. Had I worked fifty or ten or even five years before, I would have failed. So it is with every new thing. Progress happens when all the factors that make for it are ready, and then it is inevitable. To teach that a comparatively few men are responsible for the greatest forward steps of mankind is the worst sort of nonsense.”⁴

So by now I hope that you are fully convinced that the most critical skill in achieving and sustaining success in all key areas of life is a willingness, when afraid, to reach for support. And this relies on our awareness and acceptance of fear. In the chapters that follow, we will carefully examine the tremendous impact that “reaching for support” has on our physical health, work success, creativity, and relationships. As mentioned earlier, the bigger and more important the goal, the more fear will be present. And, once you have achieved success, moments will come when you will fear losing it or you will be afraid that you might not deserve it. Reaching for and receiving support when you are facing these fears is essential to getting the reassurance necessary to develop new skills and propel you to the next level of success.

Of all the things I have done, the most vital is coordinating the talents of those who work for us and pointing them towards a certain goal.

—Walt Disney

We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone … and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one’s life and all the weavings of individual threads from one to another that creates something.

—Sandra Day O’Connor, Supreme Court Justice

It may not be an accident that the word “wealth” starts with “we.” For, although the conscious mind typically defines wealth in terms of income, property, and title, the emotional brain is only interested in one thing: “In times of need, who will be there for me?” Because of this, whether business partners, lovers, or life-long friends, the most important thing you want to know about a person before you trust them is what will they do when they are afraid?

Whatever the relationship might be, when you hit a bumpy patch and one or both of you get scared, you want to know whether you will reach to each other for help or start arguing, blaming, or disappearing. Take romance, for example. Romance requires a willingness to share your fears with another. Relationships usually begin in fun, but at some point most become scary. This typically happens for one of two reasons. The first is that the person we have invested so much in is not as consistent as we would like them to be. Perhaps they promise they will call while out of town, then insist that they fell asleep before they could get to the phone. Or maybe they have come home too many nights in a row grumpy and tired, and we begin to wonder whether it’s really us, rather than work, making them unhappy. The second reason we become fearful in relationships is that things are going well—the relationship is wonderful! However, because it’s so wonderful, we are afraid that the person might change his or her mind and go away or find someone they like more. Our challenge, in either one of these scary moments, is to go to the very person we are afraid of losing and say, “I was so afraid today, thinking what my life would be like if you went away.” And the hope is that, because you have chosen so wisely on the basis of their relationship to fear, they will hold you and say in a loving voice, “I know, I feel that way sometimes too.”

This principle applies to any relationship—romantic, family, friends, work, or community. The most important thing that you need to know about people before you trust them is what they will do when they are afraid. Will they be there when you reach for support? In a culture such as ours where we’ve forgotten that we are afraid to cross the street, what are the chances that we will audition our mate, business partner, or friend on the basis of their relationship to fear?

Coming together is a beginning, staying together is progress, and working together is success.

—Henry Ford

This section is entitled The Fork in the Road to Success to remind us that, although individual competition is at times essential, there is an alternate and more critical skill we must develop if we are to achieve and sustain the success we seek in all key areas of life. As mentioned before, we often must compete against others for opportunities that become harder to achieve as we move through our school years and into adult life. However, at a certain point in our careers, the skills of collaboration, asking for help, and playing well with others become essential. Seeking friends or a lover often requires a degree of assertiveness as well. On the other hand, maintaining intimacy with any person across time requires a willingness to be vulnerable, to share one’s emotions, to seek comfort and advice, and a willingness to respond in turn when others reach for support. Having the skills to compete and collaborate, and being adept at switching tactics depending on what the situation calls for, puts us solidly on the path to success.

Highly successful individuals view reaching for and receiving support as a strength. Consider Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon.com. He regularly reaches out for support within his company in order to help it grow. When asked how Amazon manages to come up with so many brilliant concepts and products, he said that he often writes a two or three page memo and sends it to the executive team for their input. “What I find is, by the time that process is done, I’m never really sure if I’ve invented something or not, because it starts here and ends up there. That’s what you want if you have a bunch of smart people. Somebody says, ‘Well, that will never work because you forgot x, y, and z.’ And then you step back and realize that’s true and then it morphs and builds.”⁵

Howard Schultz, the CEO of Starbucks, provides yet another example of a successful person who readily recognizes the support he has received from others. In an article in Businessweek magazine, he examines the journey that led to his very successful return to Starbucks, identifying the supporters who helped him along the way. Schultz gives credit to Michael Dell, CEO of Dell computers, for encouraging his return and he credits Jim Senegal of Costco for suggesting strategies to help with Starbucks’ resuscitation.⁶

Are you wondering whether or not there are gender differences when it comes to reaching for support? It may appear to some of us that significant dissimilarities exist between the sexes in this area. Some brilliant modern researchers, including Shelley Taylor, PhD, author of The Tending Instinct⁷ have explored this issue at great length. In her research, Dr. Taylor labeled the skills of providing and reaching for support “tending and befriending.” In this, she refers to the protection of those in need (tending) and the seeking out of a social group for mutual defense (befriending). Dr. Taylor does suggest that women may be more likely than men to reach for support.⁸ She explains that this greater frequency of occurrence in females may be due to genetics, hormones, and evolution. While males went off to hunt, women gathered food and worked together to raise children and share the tasks of the tribe. In other words, because of the historical roles they’ve played, they have perhaps had greater opportunity to practice and reap the rewards of reaching for support.

Although the inclination to “tend and befriend” may be more prevalent in women, research supports that it is the tendency of all humans to affiliate, to establish groups, and come together in threatening times, regardless of gender. Reaching for support is the healthy response to fear for both sexes—it is often just expressed differently. Further on in Taylor’s book, she provides examples of men’s collaborative nature: “Rather than hoarding their kills for their own families, successful hunters commonly shared their meat with the entire group.” Taylor’s basic thesis is the same as the one explored in this book you are reading: Humans are naked apes, hairless animals who can’t outrun anyone, can’t defend well against predators, and can’t even stay warm without help. Our success as a species has come entirely from our gregarious nature. We live and work together, having found safety in numbers across the many thousands of years of our evolution.

A more dramatic example of the male ability to “tend and befriend” can be found in the innovative research of Dr. Muzafer Sherif, founder of modern social psychology.⁹ Dr. Sherif brought groups of boys together in a summer camp setting in order to study the social norms of male group formation, conflict, and conflict resolution. Upon arrival, the boys were placed in two separate cabins. Researcher-counselors noted early on the boys’ male tendency to form groups that competed, sometimes harshly, with the boys in the other cabin. To further increase their separation and rivalry, he encouraged each cabin to give themselves names, and he went even further by devising athletic contests and treasure hunts to purposefully intensify the competition. Sherif was amazingly successful in generating conflict and competiveness. As time went on, the boys became increasingly aggressive, raiding each other’s cabins, stealing possessions, and exchanging harsh words. Seeing the boys at this stage one might wonder, “Is this simply a result of male biological tendencies being unleased in a Lord of the Flies manner?”

Sherif then worked to reverse the process. He began hosting movie nights and other social events, but these initially led to even more conflict, such as food fights and physical attacks. To determine whether this response was reflective of the male’s natural response to living in groups, or perhaps just one of many options, Sherif set out to explore this question in a very creative manner. To begin with, the boys were all told that the truck that went to town to get food for the camp was stuck. In order to be fed, the boys were required to work together to help the truck out of its predicament. Next, Sherif arranged to have the camp’s water supply interrupted due to a problem with the pipes. Boys from both cabins had to work together to fix this crisis as well. In a third scenario, the boys were looking forward to an upcoming movie night when camp counselors informed them that the budget wouldn’t allow for it, so the event would be cancelled. To solve this problem, boys from both cabins pooled their funds to rescue the rental.

You can see where this is heading. Through these shared challenges, the boys learned the value of helping one another out and working together. Across time, the conflict between the two cabins disappeared and boys from different cabins began eating together at meals. Toward the end of the experience, when the boys were asked to list their best friends, their lists frequently contained names from both cabins. On the final bus ride home, during a meal stop, Sherif observed that some of the boys who still had a few dollars left graciously treated boys without funds from the other cabin to milkshakes. Giving and receiving support, then, became the natural response when the “tribes” faced mutual challenges, just as it did for our ancestors, who learned as they walked the savannah that mutual cooperation and support was essential for survival. This remains true for all of us today. Reaching out, in any life sphere, is the fork in the road to success.

*Note: It is worth stating that the types of primate studies we are referencing here are now illegal. The research was completed at a time when there was little discussion of animal rights. However, these studies are referenced here, because they did reveal important information and we owe it to ourselves and our primate relatives to learn from all that they were subjected to at an earlier time.