CHAPTER 4

Mastering Fear

Fundamentally the world is uncertain. Decisions are about the future and your place in the future when the future is uncertain. So what is the key thing you can do to prepare for that uncertainty? You can have the right people with you.

—Jim Collins

What Do You Reach For?

I hope by now you are convinced that when you are afraid, reaching for support is a good—a very good—idea. Taking action, however, is always more challenging than knowing that something is true. If you are old enough to be reading this book, I imagine that by now you have already discovered some reason to ignore, question, or challenge everything I have said about reaching for support. It’s likely that at some point in your life someone has betrayed you and broken your heart. Maybe a friend has said you could trust them and you learned painfully that this was not the case. Or perhaps someone at work has ignored, refused, or even ridiculed you when you have reached out. We have all experienced such rejection, and there’s little in life that hurts worse than that. So, if you decide that you’re ready to revisit this crucial skill, you’ll need a new set of tools in place to set you up for success.

To help you with this, let me start by sharing a story that may at first seem to be completely unrelated. At the end of the Vietnam War, I was living and working in Fresno, California. For those readers too young to remember (and those of you old enough to have forgotten), a time came in the war when South Vietnam was overrun by the North. In response, the United States gathered some of the Southern Vietnamese people who worked for us onto transports and moved them rapidly out of the country. These refugees were flown to various cities throughout the United States, including Fresno. Each evening, I watched on TV as these new Americans exited the plane looking exhausted and relieved, and I watched again as they settled into government housing and work, appearing enterprising and grateful.

Not long after their arrival, however, I noticed some bizarre scenes playing out in our local grocery stores. On more than one occasion as I pushed my cart through the bakery section, I witnessed Vietnamese families—fathers and mothers, usually with one or two children in tow—staring silently at the bread display, immovable and weeping. This strange scene, inexplicable to me at the time, made sense to me much later as I learned more about human beings’ natural response to isolation and fear. All of these people were strong, brave individuals who had lived through nightmares that most of us, fortunately, could never imagine. They had been catapulted into this foreign land where, from the moment they exited the airplane, everything in life—the language, the currency, the customs, and the bread—was unfamiliar and strange, utterly different from what they’d previously experienced. Rice, not bread, had been their family’s main staple. And here they were, trapped in a grocery store aisle, besieged with fear as they stood staring at hundreds of choices in bread products with absolutely no idea as to what they should select to sustain their hungry families.

When most Americans go into the bakery section, on the other hand, their brains instantly have access to a lifetime of memories related to bread. We are indeed “gourmets” when it comes to selecting what we might need for any occasion: wheat, rye, or sourdough; bagels, croissants, or baguettes; hoagie rolls or hamburger buns, with and without seeds. These newly arrived refugees, however, had no stored memories of bread to draw upon in order to solve the problem of feeding their families. For some of them, this was the last straw added to an overwhelming stack of feelings they had experienced as they sought to live in this strange new world they had entered so quickly. Of course, a year later, most of them were successful consumers of bread just like you and I!

So what is the point of this story? What does the selection of bread have to do with developing our awareness of fear and our ability and willingness to reach for support? Quite a bit, actually. If you were a person who grew up with a great deal of nurturing from loving parents, grandparents, neighbors, teachers, scout or religious leaders, etc., then when those times in life come when you are afraid and in need of support, you likely have some idea of what kind of support you might need and from whom you are most likely to get it. If, however, like the Vietnamese families with no memories of bread, you were raised with very little healthy support at home or in the community, then even if you are wise and courageous enough to realize that you need help, you may not know exactly what kind you need or who might be best able to provide it. In these circumstances, your chances of getting effective support (the amount and kind you really need) are simply that—a chance.

Even those who have experienced high-quality support in the past may find that reaching for support is challenging in new situations. This may be especially true when you are developing new relationships in unfamiliar environments, where past supporters are not available, or when you have no related memories to help you identify what kind of support you might need in that moment. This may occur, for example, when you are feeling isolated in a new job, new locale, or in a new romance or family situation. In these cases, asking for support may seem unfamiliar and strange. However, whether you have a history of many encouraging, helpful individuals in your past, or a paucity of warm, supportive people preceding this moment, we now know that all human beings best master fear and achieve greatest success when we reach to others for support. Therefore, it is essential that all of us be well-equipped.

Instead of leaving this critical skill to chance, it may be best if we have a guide. Before I provide you with that, however, take just a minute to complete the following exercise, which is designed to assess how “gourmet” you might already be when it comes to reaching for support.

Think of one person in your life, past or present, who has supported you well; a person without whom some of your greatest opportunities or qualities may never have been realized. Now, as specifically as possible, describe the type of support they gave. How did this person get through your lack of awareness or knowledge, your fear or reticence, your independence, stubbornness, or pride to move your life in a way you could not have imagined?

How easy was it for you to clearly describe the type(s) of support that worked for you in your moment(s) of need? If more than one person or situation came to mind, I suspect that you are becoming increasingly aware that, not only do different situations call for varied types of support, but that certain people in your life tend to be the right ones to provide those specific types of support. Recognizing these two things is essential in knowing who you should turn to when you are facing any fear and you are in need of support.

A Gourmet Guide to Support

The following menu is a “gourmet guide” that describes the many different types of support we may need at varying times in life. You can use this guide to become more aware of the types of support you might want to ask others for in various life situations, or you can use it in your role as a parent, teacher, coworker, supervisor, mate, or friend when you try out different types of support when the person you want to help, like one of those distraught families in the bread aisle, is unaware of what to ask for.

To help you recall the many possible types of support, let’s use the mnemonic INSPIRE. In the human body, the word inspire means “to take in.” When you think about it, this is exactly what we are doing when we ask for and receive support. We are receiving—taking in—the gifts bestowed by another. Emotionally, inspire means to “motivate and encourage.” This, too, is what we do when we provide support to others, and it is typically how we feel when others provide support to us. For these reasons, INSPIRE is ideal for helping us to recall the various types of support.

Types of Support

Instruction

Nurturing

Spirituality

Praise

Inquisitiveness

Rejection

Example

Instruction: This is perhaps the most obvious type of support. Most of us can recall some point or another in our lives where others have provided us this kind of support. Instruction is “served up” in three different ways: information, resources, and skills. Information is exactly what it sounds like. It is the act of communicating stored knowledge to others. Resources refers to making supplies available for use when needed. Skills are talents or abilities, typically acquired through experience or training, that can be shared with others. For example, if you want to learn more about computers, you might become informed in any one of the three ways. You could attend a lecture on the various types of computers available, their uses, how they are assembled, or how a new software program works (instruction). Alternately, you might be placed in front of a new computer or a program where you can explore for yourself how to use them (resources). In yet another scenario, you might have an instructor or friend, a computer “mentor” of some kind, sitting beside you and walking you through the learning process (skills). Each of these forms of instruction can provide very beneficial support for you or others at different times in life.

Nurturing: We define nurturing as the ability to listen empathically, compassionately, without the need to give advice or suggestions. Nurturing also means to provide sustenance or care. As described in Chapter 3, this type of support is essential for the developing monkey—and for the developing and full grown human being as well. If you have ever experienced a life crisis such as the loss of a job, a serious illness, a divorce, or the death of a loved one, you may recall that many of your friends were wonderful in the various ways they nurtured and supported you. But you may also remember one or two friends who appeared insensitive and/or said some very foolish things. It was probably not that they were truly callous individuals or that they didn’t care about you or your situation. Instead, it is likely that your situation caused fear and they didn’t have the experience or skills to respond in a more thoughtful way. To be comfortable with and helpful to someone from whom life has ripped away something precious, you must go inside yourself and remember (or imagine, if you have not had a similar experience) how painful those circumstances would be for you. Some people are afraid or unable to go to that painful place, so in emotional situations they say unexpected or thoughtless things in an attempt to fix something that is beyond the human capacity to repair.

The following quote was written by Henri Nouwen for cancer patients, but I believe it applies to any serious life challenge and every friendship: “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”¹

Whether in the form of a listening ear, a hand on the shoulder, a meaningful e-mail, letter, or gift, an extra moment or many moments across time, nurturing is yet another essential form of support that underlies success in all key areas of life.

Spirituality: For some of us, help of any kind comes always from one primary source—a universal, divine spirit. Whether provided by a good friend, a caring doctor, a loving pet, or circumstance, all forms of support are considered gifts from God. For individuals with these beliefs, prayer is often an instinctive response to fear and a means of reaching for the ultimate form of support. Ministers, priests, rabbis, or other spiritual leaders, as well as fellow congregation members, are often considered manifestations of a holy presence. These people and the places they congregate are additional sources where spiritual people can reach for and receive needed support.

A powerful description of spirituality as a vital form of support comes from Joan Borysenko in her book Guilt is the Teacher, Love is the Lesson: “When we are absolutely miserable, prayer is no longer a dry rote repetition. It becomes a living and vibrant cry for help. It becomes authentic. In pain, we forget the ‘thees’ and the ‘thous’ that keep us separated from God, and reach a new state of intimacy that comes from talking to God in our own way, saying what’s in our heart.”²

In a more secular example, actor Denzel Washington shares his sense of spiritual support in the following way: “Yes, I’ve worked hard. I made some sacrifices until I finally made it. Yes, you could say I had some luck. But I also had tremendous help along the way. That was a huge blessing from God. Behind every great success, there’s someone. And often more than one person. A parent, teacher, coach, role model … it starts somewhere.”³

For those individuals who consider themselves religious or spiritual, a divine spirit is the first, most essential place to reach for support and the most likely to be able to provide exactly what’s needed in any situation. For these individuals, all human or material support are gifts from God and reaching beyond the human capacity to provide support may be what is needed in many of life’s most challenging situations.

Praise: This type of support is provided by people who, on those days when we feel small and inadequate, insist on telling us how wonderful we are while we squirm and protest the whole time. These are the mentors who make us feel special and remind us of our goodness, quite often when we are not getting the results in the world that we are seeking. The reach for this type of support can be seen in children who call unabashedly, “Mommy, mommy, look at me!” as they conquer playground equipment or bring home from school a work of art. Adults, too, require praise from those we respect and those who love us. It is yet another essential form of support underlying success.

Praise can be empowering, a way to help people sustain effort and enthusiasm, both in times of success and times of challenge. However, the specific type of praise given is critical to the outcome. In children, for example, research has demonstrated that some types of praise are empowering, while others can be crippling. Dr. Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford and author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, has illuminated the power and peril of praise in her insightful research.⁴ What she discovered was that praising children for effort (for example, “You worked really hard at this, I am proud of you for your effort.”) sets them up for a lifetime of enthusiastic learning and encourages them in developing the underlying skills necessary for seeking and overcoming challenges. Praising them for their gifts or qualities (for example, “You are so talented, so smart,” etc.), on the other hand, predisposes many toward a life of risk-avoidance and self-doubt.⁵ Experimentation and trial-and-error learning threatens these children’s identities as gifted, talented, brilliant individuals.

One of Dr. Dweck’s most compelling studies clearly illustrates the power of both healthy and unhealthy praise. The subjects were 400 New York 5th graders, all who were given a simple puzzle to complete where their success was virtually guaranteed. After completing this task, half of the test group were complimented for their effort (for example, “You must have worked very hard.”), whereas the other 200 were praised for their personality (for example, “You must be smart at this.”). That was it—one compliment, from one stranger, for one task. Seemingly inconsequential. However, when they looked at the impact of these two types of support, they realized that the outcome was quite profound. During the next stage of the study, all of the students were offered a choice: either another easy puzzle like the first one or a more challenging puzzle. More than 50 percent of the children who were praised for their intelligence (their personalities) chose the easy one. On the other hand, more than 90 percent of the children who had been praised for working hard chose the more difficult puzzle. The researchers hypothesized the children choosing the easier task likely did so to increase the chance of proving to themselves and the examiner once again how smart they were. The comment regarding effort gave the other children the support they needed to risk tackling harder tasks, because they knew that they would be supported more for their attempts than for the outcome.

In the final stage of the research, the impact of the type of praise became even more noticeable. All of the students were given a very hard puzzle—one where failure was practically certain and they would know it from the start. This was followed by a very easy task, quite similar to the first one. So what was the outcome? The “praised-for-intelligence” group scores declined by 20 percent, whereas the “praised-for-effort” group scores increased by 30 percent. Astoundingly, this single compliment from a stranger sharing the message “you are smart” vs. “you work hard” resulted in shaking a child’s identity to the core in the face of any potential setback.

Following this research, Dweck identified two different mind-sets that evolve as a result of adult messages. Children praised for effort typically develop a “growth mindset.” They assume that success is a result of hard work and persistence and that difficulties are to be expected. These children embrace their mistakes and assume that challenges are part of the learning process. Because of this, they are more comfortable identifying deficiencies and taking steps to address them. Dr. Dweck encourages parents in this approach, remarking in Mindset: The New Psychology of Success: “If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a life-long opportunity to build and repair their own confidence.”

The second type of mindset Dweck identified was a “fixed mindset.” These children were told, often repeatedly, that they were gifted, talented, and bright. Children presented with this message are apt to see their talents as fixed qualities and they expect themselves to succeed in any activity they participate in. They do not tend to seek out or tolerate criticism, because this challenges their identities as innately gifted. They do not expect difficulties and, when they occur, these children are inclined to blame situations or others (for example, the poor test or the lousy teacher) instead of taking responsibility, embracing their mistakes, and taking action to address them. They often act superior to keep from feeling inferior. You may, in fact, know a person like this—someone who never is, and never can be, wrong.

The takeaway message here is that praise can be a powerful form of support in the right circumstances, especially when it sends the message “keep trying!” This is important for not only children, but adults as well. Based on her work with staff at Silicon Valley companies, Dr. Dweck suggests that we might best provide support to other adults by praising them for actions such as taking initiative, seeing a difficult task through, struggling and learning something new, being undaunted by a setback, and being open and acting on criticism.

Studies on successful marriages also reveal the effect that attention and praise have with adults. One of the foremost experts in the world in marriage research is John Gottman, PhD, author of Why Marriages Succeed and Fail.⁶ What makes his work remarkable is that he can interview engaged couples for just 15 minutes or less and predict, with 90 percent success, the likelihood that they will be happily married vs. miserable or divorced four years later. He boils it down to two key predictors. The first is how couples deal with conflict. This is not surprising, because conflicting perspectives will certainly arise from time to time between two individuals living in close quarters. The second predictor is whether their positive attention outweighs their negative interactions on a daily basis by a factor of five positive to one negative on the days the relationship isn’t going well, and 20 to one on the days the relationship is thriving. When he speaks of “positive attention,” do you think he is referring to 20 candlelight dinners or 20 walks on the beach holding hands? Hardly. He is referring to small moments. For example, does your voice light up when you mate calls you during the day or does your tone of voice imply that your beloved is interrupting more important tasks? Do you put down the remote control, newspaper, or cell phone and greet your partner enthusiastically when s/he walks through the door? Do you compliment his or her parenting skills or the way s/he treats your parents? Surprisingly, Dr. Gottman found that these small acts of acknowledgement were more important than anything else the couple could do!

Make individuals feel important and part of something larger than themselves.

—General Colin Powell

Consider and respond to the following questions:

1. Do you have someone in your life who is genuine and generous with their praise? If so, when do they compliment you? Do you enjoy the compliment or do you fight it and try to convince the person they are wrong?

2. Are there particular compliments that you prefer from each important person in your life?

3. Imagine a friend, lover, or boss (choose only one to start) and once or twice each day ask yourself, “If I could have the exact compliment I would like to have from that person at this moment, what would it be?”

Inquisitiveness: Asking good questions is an essential type of support in many situations. You probably already have some good instincts when it comes to recognizing a good question. For example, when you go to a friend or professional for help, do they ask questions that invite you to look inside yourself to find answers and resources you did not know you had? If so, that individual recognizes the power of inquisitiveness when people are afraid and in need of support.

It is the rare person who has the skill to ask questions that do not imply an opinion or judgment. Once others sense that you have already formed an opinion, they’re likely to become defensive rather than reflective. For example, if I were to ask, “Why are you wearing that outfit today?” or “Why didn’t you complete that project Friday?” my intent may be sincere. I may actually be curious as to why you chose that specific ensemble or interested in what might have prevented you from finalizing your exciting work on time. However, “why” questions like these often cause people to justify their behavior rather than examine a situation more thoroughly. If inquisitiveness is to be used meaningfully in response to another’s reach for support, it is essential that the questions be genuinely that—inquisitive.

The most important and difficult job is never to find the right answers, it is to find the right question.

—Peter Drucker

The following exercise will help you to become more aware of how skillful you are at giving others this kind of support.

Seek out someone whose political opinion is very different than your own and introduce a topic that you have strong feelings about. Next, ask your partner 10 open-ended, genuine questions that demonstrate curiosity and do not give the impression you have any specific feelings on the subject. You will know that you are succeeding when the other person starts becoming more animated and enthusiastic about sharing their opinion with you.

I have shared this exercise with people from many walks of life and from many different professions, including doctors, lawyers, engineers, teachers, students, and others. Every one of them has found that asking good questions can be exceedingly difficult. For those of us who want to become experts (or even those who want to be just pretty darn good) at providing this type of support, it will take a lot of practice. As a matter of fact, I try to practice at least once each week to maintain my awareness and improve my proficiency with this skill.

For example, recently I had the opportunity to practice while traveling from Tucson to Los Angeles, typically about a one hour flight. I was sitting next to a woman and, as the flight began, we struck up a conversation. I asked her what she planned to do while she was in L.A. She replied that she wasn’t staying in California, but was changing planes and from there was on her way to Africa. Interested, I asked: “What are you planning to do when you arrive there?” She said that it was her 87th birthday and she was going on a Safari. “A photography safari?” I queried. “No, a hunting safari,” she said. I was quite surprised! She certainly didn’t fit my stereotype of a big game hunter. Nor, I admitted to myself, was killing a wild animal from 500 yards away my personal idea of a good time. I could have spent the rest of the trip trying to convince her of my point of view and, in the process, likely take some of the joy out of her birthday journey. However, I didn’t see much point in that. Instead, I decided to practice asking good questions. Given my strong feelings on the subject, I wondered whether I would be able to ask genuine questions, ones that would allow me to understand what made this activity so important to her, without revealing my perspective. As my new friend became more animated sharing her story with me, I was certain that my practice had been successful.

In his bestselling book Good to Great, Jim Collins refers to the importance of asking genuine questions in the work setting as well: “The good-to-great leaders made particularly good use of informal meetings, where they’d meet with groups of managers and employees with no script, agenda, or set of action items to discuss. Instead they would start with questions like: ‘So what’s on your mind?’ or ‘Can you tell me more about that?’ These non-agenda meetings became a forum for current realities to bubble to the surface.”⁷ The importance of asking good questions has been mentioned in the world of sports as well. John Wooden, UCLA Basketball Coach, remarked: “Most leaders don’t listen and yet it is one of the greatest methods we have of learning. You need to listen to those under your supervision and to those who are above you. We’d all be a lot wiser if we listened more—not just hearing the words, but listening and not thinking about what we’re going to say.”⁸ The important thing to recognize is that, no matter what the life setting, asking and answering good questions is essential in achieving success and in providing support to help others succeed.

Following is a list of questions and phrases you may want to “try on” as you learn to become more genuinely inquisitive. These are supportive in many situations, and may be especially helpful when you are upset or when perspectives differ:

• Can you help me understand? What are your thoughts about __________?

• I’d like to know more about this.

• Have you always felt this way? How did you come to look at the issue this way?

• That’s really interesting. Can you tell me more about ________?

• How would you respond to people who say ________?

• Is it okay if I ask you about ________?

• Please tell me how I can learn more.

If you are on the receiving end of this type of support, have you chosen someone to help you who has this skill?

Rejection: Do you have someone in your life who is willing to let you know when they think you’re off course, and who is able to tell you in such a way that you can really hear? This type of support is vital to our success. In order to grow, and in order to be sure our points of view are correct, we need to seek out and listen to those who don’t agree with us. One of the most successful businessmen in the world, John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, puts it this way: “I actually think you should engage your critics and see them, too, as stakeholders who are helping you grow.”⁹ The same idea is shared by James Lapine, film director with 11 Tony nominations: “It’s easier with a partner. You’re not naked, alone. And you have someone to ask, ‘Am I wrong?’ ”¹⁰

Inviting in alternate perspectives and offering differing viewpoints is not an easy task. It can be very difficult to seek out or provide this kind of support for others. A wonderful example of someone who has inspired me greatly in his response to critical feedback is Dr. Martin Seligman. One of Dr. Seligman’s original claims to fame was his research underlying the principles of “learned helplessness.” His studies demonstrated that when subjects, both human and animal, were repeatedly exposed to a frustrating experience from which there was no escape, two out of three will simply give up. They become helpless within the test situation, so that even when they are provided a possible way out, they remain passive and inactive. This appeared to be a potentially powerful model for how depression works, so Dr. Seligman was invited to share his findings with the faculty at Oxford University—a tremendous honor indeed. The audience was very impressed with his research, with the exception of one psychologist, Dr. John Teasdale. In front of this distinguished and prestigious audience, Teasdale shared his criticism: “How can Seligman explain that one out of three humans, dogs, etc., never gave up and, as soon as a new opportunity arose, they leapt into action? You really shouldn’t be carried away by this enchanting story. The theory is wholly inadequate. Seligman has glossed over the fact that one-third of his animal and human subjects never became helpless. Why not?”

I fear that if this had happened to me, being thoroughly embarrassed in this public and professional arena, I would have become angry and defensive. But here is how Seligman reacted:

When John Teasdale raised his objections after my speech at Oxford, I felt for a moment as if years of work might have been for nothing. I had no way of knowing at the time that Teasdale’s challenge was the thing I wanted most of all—using our findings to help needful and suffering human beings. Leaving the hall with Teasdale after the address, I asked him if he’d be willing to work with me to see if we could construct an adequate theory. He agreed and we began to meet regularly.¹¹

The result of Dr. Seligman’s ability to accept support in the form of rejection, along with the psychologists’ subsequent collaboration, was the highly regarded work Learned Optimism, a national bestseller that provides breakthrough strategies on how to live an optimistic life and help raise an optimistic child.

Seligman’s response to rejection—to constructive criticism—is the rule, rather than the exception, for successful people in any endeavor or in any walk of life. For example, what profession could be more solitary than that of an artist? If we believe, “This surely this is a place where individuals flourish without the need of support,” we would find ourselves in error. It is simply not true. Picasso and Braque, two of the world’s great cubist painters, worked side by side, criticizing each other’s work and sharing ideas for half a decade. This collaboration and their willingness to embrace ideas other than their own was a critical factor in their ultimate success, and essential for us in all key areas of life as well. In our work, in relationships, when pursuing improvements in our health or growth in our creativity, rejection is a critical component in helping us to grow and succeed.

It is important to remember that most successful people find criticism just as painful as everyone else. However, in order to grow, successful people embrace the gifts of meaningful rejection and they purposefully reach for support by soliciting feedback from others with varied perspectives. And, they reach out once again if they believe that their critic may be right. Rejection is such an important form of support, in fact, that we’ve divided it into three types: refusal, reframing, and referral.

Refusal: This type of support is provided by those who are willing to say “no” to you when they believe that what you are doing will not serve you well. For example, one reason we are all successful to some degree is that our parents were willing to support us by saying no to our childhood preferences for bedtime, food choices, homework vs. play, etc. By saying no, they helped us to develop the discipline and values needed to survive and succeed as adults in today’s world. In adulthood, we often find that those with some emotional pull in our lives—family members and close friends, or those with some authority, such as employers, coaches, esteemed colleagues—may all serve to provide this type of support when needed. In similar roles, many of us are called upon to provide this type of support to others as well.

When you are providing support to others by refusing them—by saying no or by sharing important feedback—remember that your tone of voice is generally much more important than the specific words you use. If your voice communicates caring and concern, people can more readily hear and receive the message. If your tone is judgmental or unkind, or if you are upset, frustrated, or angry when you share your feedback, your listener isn’t as likely to hear what you say; instead, he or she will be more apt to respond to the meaning implied by your voice. Findings of a recent workplace study provide evidence of the impact of tone of voice when delivering a refusal to staff members. In this experiment, managers were asked to give their employees negative feedback, but they were trained to do so in a warm voice. The employees were later asked how they felt about the feedback and, instead of being defensive, they responded positively, to both the criticism and as evidenced by the changes they made in their work. This is not surprising. Tone is especially important when it comes to communicating people’s feelings and attitudes and most research suggests that, when words and tone of voice don’t match, people will generally believe the message communicated by tone.

For most of us (count me in), saying “no” to people by giving or receiving critical feedback is difficult. This is true even when we have the best intentions and our tone is ideal. I’ve provided a few suggestions here that might be helpful to you when “refusal” is the best form of support you can ask for or provide to others:

• Be prompt. When your feedback is in response to a specific incident, the timing of the conversation should be as close to the event as possible. Otherwise, people may respond to your thoughtful response with, “So why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Worse, if you delay, they might begin to assume that you’re harboring additional criticisms that you have not yet voiced. This can lead to unnecessary feelings of fear and distrust. Prompt refusals and feedback allow others to reflect and respond when the topic is fresh and the feedback most meaningful.

• Be specific. Vague feedback can leave a listener frustrated. General comments such as, “You’re too young (or old) to do that” or “You need to improve your project” or “Our marriage needs work,” may result in listeners ignoring the most important factors in a refusal. Worse, in an attempt to appease you and reduce their own fears, they may start making changes that are not in their best interest or yours. This can have a significantly negative effect on the individual’s success, making things worse for them rather than better, and possibly damaging your relationship in the process. When specific concerns and suggestions are shared, the person receiving feedback will be better able to modify his or her actions or ideas, or let you know clearly that he or she can’t or won’t.

• Cultivate a history of praise and appreciation. Tell others often what is good about them, what you appreciate about them, and what they are doing right. If people feel consistently valued and safe, they are more likely to be able to accept criticism.

Being on the receiving end of criticism, of course, can be quite difficult for anyone. Here are some suggestions that may support you in graciously accepting and considering critical feedback from others:

• Thank them! Even if your heart is pounding and your stomach is in a knot, recognize that the other person is giving you valuable information. Even if you are absolutely certain they are wrong, they are letting you know how your actions and ideas are seen from their—and perhaps others’—perspective.

• Accept responsibility. Being defensive never leads to success. Assume that you could do something to improve the situation, even when you believe the other party is at fault.

• Ask for suggestions. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You are not obligated to act on their recommendations, but you might find them interesting to consider.

• If there is any kernel of truth in their criticism, reach out and ask them to help you improve.

Reframing: This type of rejection occurs when a person doesn’t reject another person’s behavior, but instead rejects their interpretation of it. Let me share with you two examples. First, let’s revisit an example shared earlier. Imagine that a close friend starts to cry in front of you, then apologizes, saying, “Oh, I am so sorry for crying. You must think I am such a weakling!” When reframing, you don’t reject the crying, you reject the person’s judgment of it. You might respond by saying, “That’s not true. It only makes me feel closer to you that you are willing to share your sadness with me.” Another good example of reframing comes from my own childhood experience. My father traveled a lot when I was kid. He was stern, so when he was home he was not generally someone I felt safe confiding in. One day, however, while we were driving somewhere together, I suddenly began to cry. It surprised me as much as it did my dad. He asked, “Why are you crying son?” I didn’t stop to measure the risk I was taking. I just blurted out, “Dad, I think I’m ugly.” I know that if he’d said that I wasn’t, it wouldn’t have helped at all. Instead, he became inquisitive, asking “What makes you think you’re ugly?” I found the courage to confess. “It’s ‘cause my ears are so big.” Again, if he said that this wasn’t true, it would have had no positive effect. Wisely, however, he reframed my despair, saying, “Don’t worry son, your head will grow.” Perfect logic to an 8-year-old boy! My dad, to this day, does not recall the event, but it is one of my most precious memories of childhood and my favorite example of refusal by reframing.

Referral: This is the type of support you give when someone reaches out to you and you know that you are not the best person to help with that problem. A good example of this might be when a colleague comes to you complaining about another employee and you refer them back to that person, suggesting that it might be best if they dealt with one another directly. In a more challenging situation, perhaps a friend seeks you out to talk about significant relationship problems or alcohol struggles. In this case, it is clear in your mind, that you are not the right person to be attempting to help with something this critical, so you internally reject yourself as the source of support and gently guide them toward the help you think is more useful.

Rejection is a challenging, although essential, form of support in many life situations. Whether it’s presented as a direct refusal, reframing, or a referral, we all need people in our lives who are willing and able to tell us “no” or say to us, “Look at this again from another angle” in such a way that we can hear.

Example: This type of support comes from a person who, by the way they are in the world, is someone you want to be like. For many people, this is the most important type of support. It is difficult to take advice from someone you don’t respect, even if you know that the person is right. However, when suggestions come from those we look up to, especially in the form of example, we are more likely to make decisions and changes that lead to success. Supportive examples may include a parent or grandparent, teacher or coach, physician or perhaps another remarkable person in your daily life. Or, they could be leaders in business, politics, sports, science, or other areas of professional or personal interest, from history or in the news; perhaps figures of considerable heart and courage, such as Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela.

You can preach a better sermon with your life than your lips.

—Oliver Goldsmith

We all provide an example for someone and we often provide this form of support without even realizing it. As George Lucas put it: “In almost everything you do, you teach, whether you are aware of it or not. Some people aren’t aware of what they are teaching. They should be wiser. Everybody teaches all the time.”¹²

An example is someone you want to model your life after, or perhaps something you want to be for someone else. You may agree with Albert Einstein when he said: “Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others, it is the only means.”¹³

So this is your gourmet guide. INSPIRE is not intended to provide a complete list of all possible types of support. It is a starters manual, providing a menu of options for you to choose from when you are trying to figure out exactly what you might need or what you might want to offer someone else in need of support. There are, of course, many other types of support. For example, one important type is human touch. A warm hug, holding another’s hand, or simply placing your hands on a person can be a powerful source of support. Before moving on, take just a minute to reflect on any other forms of support that might not be on our list. Did you notice that, when it comes to seeking support, people can be very resourceful? A study by Mark Rosenbaum, a psychologist at Northern Illinois University, demonstrated this human ingenuity in seeking and finding support. His research explored the “social sustenance” of 83 faithful customers at a coffee shop named Kippy’s in Chicago. Most of the study subjects were 65 years of age or older. Dr. Rosenbaum assessed where these patrons turned for three specific types of support: social (someone to do activities with), emotional (someone to discuss problems with), and instrumental (someone to help with tasks). What he found was that 60 percent of those who were divorced or widowed sought all three types of support from other diners at Kippy’s where they ate multiple times a week. To become and remain successful, all of us need all three types of support somewhere in our lives.¹⁴

The gourmet guide provides a good first step in helping you to become an expert in reaching for support. If you are going to ask for help when you need it, it is useful to know what kind of support you might want. The likelihood of receiving the support you need increases dramatically with your “menu” in hand. Once you have this awareness, your next step is to identify who in your world is able and most likely to offer that kind of support. Of course, neither knowing what kind of help you need, nor wisely choosing someone who has the skills to support you, guarantees that you will consistently receive the support you seek. The person you choose may be having a hard day, may not be available, or may simply not know how or may not want to provide the support. There is always some risk in asking for help, and receiving help is never 100 percent certain. For this reason, many people are afraid and they hesitate to ask or never reach out at all. This is a mistake. To be successful, choose as wisely as you can, then take the risk and reach.

Cultural differences may also influence who we choose to turn to for help and who might be most receptive to the help we have to offer. Let me share a dramatic example. In January, 1989, an unspeakable tragedy occurred in the schoolyard of the Cleveland Elementary School in Stockton, California. A lone gunman stole onto the playground with a semiautomatic rifle and murdered five children, all refugees from Southeast Asia whose parents had come to the United States to provide their children with a better life. The school was soon flooded with counselors, and psychotherapy was made available to the many children and teachers who had witnessed this horror. This form of support was welcomed by many families and teachers. However, for the largely Cambodian community, being offered this type of help was bewildering. They certainly recognized the need for support, but instead sought out friends, families, or their monk for the solace they needed. They found the idea of having such intimate conversations with a stranger rather strange itself.^15,16 Individuals, families, and cultures have varying rituals defining who and how it is acceptable to ask for help. Sometimes it is very clear. Other times it is only evident when the support offered is not acceptable or accepted.

The following exercise will help you to become more aware of who you might reach to when you are in need and how adept you currently are at asking for and accepting different types of support.

Consider and respond to the following questions:

1. Do you see yourself as a “life-long learner,” always seeking new information and skills?

2. Do you have family members, friends, colleagues, or mentors who will tell you if they think you are making poor choices?

3. When someone shares critical feedback, is your first response to defend yourself or to ask them for more feedback?

4. Do you see asking for help as a sign of strength or weakness?

5. If you are a manager or supervisor, how have you (or how could you) make it safe for your staff to bring their fears, doubts, and mistakes to you?

6. Do you seek information and suggestions from a diverse group of advisors or do you consistently seek out like-minded people?

7. When you ask for advice, do you secretly hope that the other person will simply agree with and praise you, or are you sincerely seeking input?

8. When sharing a problem or mistake with a trusted advisor, do you tell them everything?

9. When you ask for help, do you let the other person know what specific type of help you are looking for?

10. Do you have at least one friend who asks good questions and does not judge you when you are struggling?

11. Whom do you allow to see you and hold you when you cry?

Although our gourmet guide is a helpful tool, more important is our awareness that help is needed and our courage in seeking it out. Abraham Lincoln provides us with a powerful closing example of how reaching for support can lead to great success. In Doris Kearns Goodwin’s prize-winning book Team of Rivals she describes Lincoln’s extraordinary gift of collaboration. She pointed out that every member of the administration was better known, better educated, and more experienced in public life than Lincoln. “Their presence in the cabinet,” she said, “might have threatened to eclipse the obscure prairie lawyer.” However, when Lincoln was asked why he had assembled a cabinet including so many opponents who had been harsh with him, he responded: “We needed the strongest men of the party in our cabinet. I had no right to deprive the country of their services.”¹⁷ All of us need such people in our lives as well.

As mentioned before, no matter how aware you are of the support you need and no matter how wise you are in your choice of who you reach for, there is always some risk that the person may not respond or respond out of character. There is always some risk of being hurt. Do not let this fear stand in the way of your reaching out. This is the path to mastering fear and achieving the success you desire in all key areas of life. As Abraham Lincoln said, “It is better to trust and be disappointed once in awhile, than to distrust and be miserable all of the time.”¹⁸