Tool 1: The five key truths about the transition to working parenthood

Whatever your background, family structure, line of work, income, or any other details of your personal or professional life, the transition to working parenthood will invariably mean five things. They’re nothing to be scared of: in fact, getting your head around these essential truths will help make what you’re facing feel more familiar and doable.

• You’re starting a new job.  Working parenthood is a different role than you’ve had in the past, and it comes with its own set of responsibilities and expectations. As with any new job, it’s likely to be overwhelming at first and require a ton of learning and adjustments. But just as you’ve weathered other big professional and personal transitions, you’re going to get through this one, too.
• What’s allowed you to succeed in other jobs is going to allow you to succeed now, as a working parent.  When you’ve done well at work in the past, it’s likely been because of a special personal characteristic or set of skills that come as second nature. Maybe you’re a numbers geek, or have an incredible ability to motivate other people, or you’re really creative, or the most organized person around. Those professional superpowers will be your working-parent superpowers, also. If you’ve always been a good organizer, for example, you’ll find yourself using that gift to manage your calendars and to-dos clearly and efficiently—key for the success of any working-parent family.
• If you know where you’re headed as a working mother or father, it will be easier to get there.  If you can create a mental picture of where you want to be professionally, personally, and as a parent years from now, it will make the responsibilities of working parenthood feel much more feasible and comfortable today. With a specific and positive outcome in mind—an outcome that you have chosen—all the smaller, daily decisions you face will become more straightforward, and you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that all the hard work you’re putting in right now is serving an important purpose. With a sense of momentum toward that goal, you’ll also feel more energetic and motivated. If, for example, you know that you want to

• Save enough for retirement, while being the kind of family that has dinner together most nights,
• Lead this division, and one day this firm, while remaining the central adult in my children’s lives,
• Keep doing great creative work while raising my kids to become happy, self-sufficient, economically independent adults who remain connected to our family’s faith and heritage,

then you’ll feel much more on-your-front-foot and “together” than if you simply try to improvise your way through the next several years, enduring whatever stresses and strains come at you and making pressured, on-the-spot decisions. Don’t worry if you don’t have a “success picture” in mind just yet. It will naturally begin to crystallize over the next few weeks as you adjust to the news, and as you work through the following few chapters while preparing for your child’s arrival.

• You’re the boss.  You have final say on the baby’s care arrangements. In the face of a big career decision, it’s up to you to determine what’s best for you and your family. After a long day of work, you decide how to walk through that door and greet the kids. There are many aspects of life you don’t have control over, but no one today, tomorrow, or in the arc of time will ever be more engaged in or have more authority over how you combine your career and parenting than you do.
• You’ll find success in the process.  Careers change rapidly, children develop, and—particularly as you become a mother or father—you’re changing and developing in a lot of ways, too. Becoming an effective and happy working parent isn’t like throwing a single dart and hitting the bull’s-eye. It means learning and adapting as you go, and constantly discovering effective new techniques and solutions that work for yourself, your career, and your family.

Tool 2: Understanding your Workparent Template

Your Workparent Template is a collage-like collection of all the experiences you’ve had, observations you’ve made, and advice you’ve heard about working parenthood throughout the course of your life. Over time, these impressions and inputs have solidified into your own unique, personal view as to what working parenthood really means and how it works.

If your own father pulled long hours to support the family but was always there for you when you needed him, your template may include a deep belief that parents can work hard and love their kids. On the other hand, if Dad worked long hours while you were small, was difficult to reach, missed a lot of weekends and holidays, and was grouchy and preoccupied when he was around, you may associate being a working parent with being strained, or out of touch. Of course, your template isn’t formed only in childhood; it’s constantly evolving, even today. If many of the parents in your current organization work reduced schedules, for example, you might have absorbed the idea that flex work is feasible in this profession, or that the same arrangement your colleagues have settled into will be the right one for you.

None of these beliefs are good or bad, per se; your template isn’t inherently right or wrong. It is, however, yours, and when you become a working mother or father, it’s essential to be conscious of what it looks like and of how, in ways large and small, it might influence your feelings—and thus your choices and actions—now and in the future. When you can see your template fully and clearly, you get to control it rather than letting it control you.

To understand your own template, think carefully about how it was created, and about the people and forces that shaped it. Those will include:

• Your parents and other childhood caregivers
• Your education and early-career experiences
• The coworkers and mentors you’ve had over time
• The unwritten expectations and norms of your industry and organization
• Your partner—and partner’s family
• Your friends and broader social community
• Your faith, cultural values, and/or belief system(s)
• The media: how you’ve seen working parents and the “working-parent problem” portrayed in movies, the news, or online
• Social media: the debates, opinions, and consensus found in your chosen virtual community

As you look down this list, think about what examples, attitudes, and beliefs about workparenting—both explicit and implicit—you’ve absorbed from each one. Did the grandma you adored tell you that all decent people eat dinner with their children every night? Did that terrific mentor at your first job talk about how in-home childcare was the “only” option? Throughout those tough years in school and during your early professional training, did the instructors keep emphasizing that your personal life was going to have to take a back seat to your career if you wanted any chance of success? As you go, it will be helpful to sketch out your template. Table 1-1 provides an easy space to do so. (Note: throughout the book, you’ll get simple “frames” like this one for organizing and capturing your thoughts. If you prefer to keep your notes in a separate format, or on your phone, etc., then go with it. Do what works. The value here is in your reflections, not the worksheet itself. Whatever you do write down, though, hang on to it. We’ll be doing many similar exercises, and it will be helpful to have all your insights easily accessible and together in a single Workparent folder.)

Announcing the news

Once you’ve had the chance to step back and take in the big picture, to get your head around the working-parent transition and begin understanding and taking control of your working-parent views, your next move—pivoting to a very practical one, now—will be to share your news with the people at work. As you get ready to do so, you’ll likely feel keyed up, apprehensive, and awkward. This is your public debut as a workparent, and while you don’t know exactly what words to use, you want them to be right. Fortunately, there is an effective formula for what to say—and how, when, and to whom.

• Pick your timing carefully.  As tempting as it may be to blurt out the news early, hold off until you’ve gotten the practical assurances you want from your healthcare provider or adoption or placement agency. If you’re part of a two-career couple, be certain to share the news at the same time. You don’t want your news reaching your colleagues through the grapevine. And remember: once you share the information that you’re expecting, you can never unshare it. If in doubt, wait a bit.
• Start with your boss.  Your boss evaluates you, goes to bat for you at pay and promotion time, and has a big say in how your career moves ahead. She’s also the one who can allow you to tack on a few weeks of vacation to parental leave or approve your work-from-home request. For practical reasons and as a sign of respect, you need to communicate with her first.
• Find some peace and quiet.  Try not to have the conversation as a major deadline looms, in a “fishbowl” environment, or in any other context where either of you is likely to be distracted, interrupted, or watched. Instead, pick a slower day, and get a dedicated call or book the quieter conference room down the hall. If you work in a high-traffic zone or an open-plan space, ask to speak outside the building or over coffee.

• Get right to it.  Don’t start off with a flurry of small talk or embed the news in a conversation about this year’s marketing budget. The sooner you get to the point, the better.
• Work from a script.  Rehearse what you’re going to say, and keep your comments direct, upbeat, and brief. Remember that you’re sharing information, but not asking permission, or apologizing. A good baseline speech is: “[Manager name], thanks for meeting with me. I’m here to share some exciting personal news: [your partner’s name, if relevant] and I are expecting a baby in June, and we couldn’t be happier. I’m certain that as I tell you this, you’ll have many questions—about my plans for leave, or how we’ll cover my work while I’m out. I’m one hundred percent committed to my job and to our team’s success, and know that in the coming months we’ll find the right answers together. For now, I just wanted you to know.” Note: the only points you have to get across are that you’re expecting, collaborative, and committed. All other details and decisions, including the dates of your parental leave, should be ironed out later.
• Remember that you’re both human.  You may get flustered or even emotional while speaking—lots of parents, both men and women, do. (You’re announcing a person, after all!) Your manager may also be visibly taken aback, or unexpectedly lunge out of his chair to hug you when he hears the word baby. All of those reactions are normal, and it’s OK to acknowledge them by saying something like, “As you can tell, I’m a little nervous,” or “I can see you’re surprised by the news.” In general, the more genuine and relatable you are, the easier and more effective the conversation will be.

• Figure out immediate next steps.  It’s fine to keep this meeting brief, but before you wrap up, make sure to agree on how and when 1) you’ll tell the rest of your team the news, 2) who will alert the higher-ups (if relevant), and 3) your timeline for regrouping on any parental-leave plans.
• End on a good note.  However the conversation goes, closing out with a statement like “I appreciate your support,” “I’m looking forward to working through this effectively together in the months ahead,” or even a simple “Thanks for speaking with me” will build goodwill—and let you showcase the positive, proactive approach you’ll be bringing to working parenthood from now on.

As the meeting ends, you’ll likely feel relieved—and exhausted. No matter how receptive your boss and overall workplace are, it takes a lot of mental energy to have this conversation. Be sure to take a break afterward and to give yourself some credit. You’ve just brought your parenting self into the professional world for the very first time and in the best possible way.

When others aren’t expecting it

Maybe you work at a startup, and none of the other members of the team has kids yet. Or you’re welcoming a child as a single parent, an LGBTQIA+ mother or father, earlier or later in life than typically expected, or into an already-larger-than-average family. For many different reasons, your news may catch your colleagues by surprise, and that surprise may make things feel tricky or awkward.

You don’t own your coworkers’ feelings, and it’s not your responsibility to educate anybody on the realities and diversity of modern family life. But if you do anticipate that your announcement may catch coworkers off guard, there’s a graceful way to take charge of the situation: by preempting it. Simply add one brief additional section into your announcement script: “I realize that this news may come as a surprise. You may not have known that [becoming a parent/welcoming an additional child] was part of my immediate plans. But I’m sure you appreciate that, just like any other [mother or father], I’m thrilled. I also know that I can rely on your understanding and support in the months to come, and that means a lot to me.”

A statement like this lets you take control of the situation—and in a pleasant, professional way. It acknowledges your listeners’ feelings, and generously allows them a moment to collect themselves and step into the right headspace to process your news. It also sets up a great big blinking neon arrow pointing them toward the appropriate, supportive reaction. If anyone still seems to be at a loss for words, suggest taking a break (“I can see you’re digesting what I’ve just told you! Why don’t we regroup tomorrow?”) and then steer clear until they’ve had a chance to get their act together.

How to handle questions and detractors

It’s normal to be nervous about breaking your news, but expect that the majority of reactions will be positive. Most of the people you encounter in the course of your professional life have either been in the position you’re in now or have hopes of being in it one day. You may even be surprised on the upside: that gruff senior manager may be delighted to find out that a member of the team is expecting, or you may find yourself on the receiving end of an almost annoying number of unsolicited hugs and effusive congratulations.

While most of your colleagues will respond well, not all will, and you’ll feel better and steadier if you know up front exactly what types of questions and detractors you may have to deal with and how to respond to them effectively without getting knocked off your game. The big silver lining here—and yes, there is one—is rehearsal and practice: the more deftly you can handle these less-than-fun conversations now, the more it will build your confidence and capability for handling other equally delicate workparenting conversations later on.

Less-than-supportive coworkers, professional contacts, and—for that matter—friends and family members will usually fall into one of four categories:

• Investigators barrage you with questions about every aspect of the impending arrival and your future career plans. Where are you delivering? Are you really coming back after leave? These folks see your business as their own.
• Naysayers relish informing you of the many downsides and perils of working parenthood. They’ll declare that being a good parent in your industry/role/function is impossible … or point out what a hassle it will be for the team to have you on leave during busy season.
• Zero-filters blurt out questions or advice that’s both unsolicited and overly personal. They’ll want to know if the baby was planned, if you met the egg donor in person, or if you’re still hoping to get promoted this year.
• Nonreactors pretend they haven’t heard you. They’ll greet your news with poker faces and keep putting meetings and deadlines onto your calendar regardless of your child’s due date.

As frustrating as dealing with any of these folks can be, a few simple approaches can help keep them at bay while preserving your calm and dignity.

• Decide up front what information to share and what to keep private.  Under intense questioning from the Investigator, you may find yourself having to make a spot decision on whether to share the baby’s gender or that your wife went through IVF. Set your intentions, and stick to them.
• Don’t take it personally.  In their own graceless, misguided way, Investigators may be trying to signal warmth; the Naysayer may think he’s being helpful in warning you of the potential difficulties; and the Nonreactor may be trying to keep herself tears-free at work while battling infertility; etc. Give each the benefit of the doubt.
• Have effective responses at the ready.  Don’t get caught groping for words—or left fuming in the hallway in the aftermath of a negative encounter. To shut down an awkward conversation without coming across as abrasive, say:

• “These are all great questions, and I’m sure I’ll figure each one out as I go.”
• “Thanks so much for your interest and support. I tend to be quite private about these matters, though.”
• “Yes, working parents certainly do have a lot to think about!”
• “You’re right—it won’t be easy. But I’m fortunate to have great support at work and at home, and I’m confident things will move in a good direction.”
• “As you know, the baby’s due June 15, so we’ll either need to do the meeting earlier or determine a way to make it go well in my absence.”
• “Thanks so much for your interest and input—I’ll take that on board. Back on the budget projections, though …”

If you can deliver these lines firmly, confidently, and with a smile, most colleagues will get the hint.

What to begin planning for …

As soon as your news is out at work, start:

• Imagining day-to-day life as a working parent.  The more aware of and comfortable you are with the nitty-gritty details and realities of working parenthood, the easier your transition will be. Knowing what’s coming will keep you calmer, and it will allow you to make better up-front decisions around childcare and other practical matters. One great tactic for gaining these useful and detailed insights is shadowing: ask other recent-vintage working parents you know if they can walk you through their daily schedules in full detail, or—better yet—if you can actually, physically tag along with them through their morning and evening routines so you can see what’s in store. As you watch a friend or colleague navigate the childcare handover, the commute, and dinner prep, take detailed notes—and imagine how you’ll handle the same yourself when the time comes.
• Thinking through your childcare plan.  Once you’ve gotten that “typical day” view, consider the type of childcare that will be right for you. While it may feel too early to be planning out—much less looking for—childcare, it isn’t. Finding care you’re comfortable with is the single most important factor to becoming a successful, satisfied workparent during your child’s early years, and the more thoughtful and unhurried you can make this process, the better. (Not sure where to begin? Don’t worry. In chapter 2, you’ll find a step-by-step guide to finding care that works for your family, career, budget, and feelings.)
• Getting your “life documents” together.  Get a will drafted, put a financial power-of-attorney order in place, establish a just-in-case guardianship plan, and take out sufficient life insurance. Thinking about ever needing any of these supports is sure to leave you a (temporary) emotional wreck, but were the worst to happen (God forbid), you would absolutely want your family to have these protections in place. This paperwork can take forever, and it’s the absolute last thing you’ll want to deal with when taking care of a new baby, so it’s good to get the ball rolling now.
• Building a financial cushion.  The next year is going to bring a number of bulky, one-off expenses: you’ll have to pay for things like a childcare-center deposit or au pair agency fee on top of the costs of healthcare, baby gear, the move to a new apartment. To soften the impact, see if you can set aside your annual tax refund, start saving some amount of money from each paycheck, or ask friends and family to consider giving cash instead of baby gifts. Think through what nice-to-haves you’re paying for now that could be cut back or traded in to give you more budgetary breathing room later. (If you cut back your monthly payments by driving a less-fancy car, that money can help pay for the real luxury of a backup daycare service.) Tactically, you may want to create a special Workparent Reserve bank account as a practical and psychological protection against extra expenses. Whatever extra slack—and just as important, feelings of slack—you can create in your finances now will help you avoid that much extra stress later on.

Once you’ve tackled these bigger-picture, long-lead items, it’s time to turn your attentions to:

• Creating a circle of working-parent mentors.  You’re going to need a lot of advice, support, and encouragement in the months ahead, and now’s the time to begin enlisting the people who can provide it. This doesn’t need to be a formal or stressful process. Just seek out fellow working mothers and fathers you know or work with, and who seem to have their acts together, and ask if they’ll be willing to talk for twenty minutes. Solicit a diverse group, and don’t be shy. One of the happy surprises of working parenthood is that people you barely know will be delighted you’ve asked for their ideas and will be eager to share their hard-won wisdom. If your organization has a working-parents employee network, sign up for that now, also. The goal here isn’t just practical; connecting with other working parents will give you a comforting, motivating sense of belonging and fellowship.
• Getting familiar with your organization’s working-parent benefits, as relevant.  Look at your company’s benefits intranet page or the employee handbook or ask an HR rep for information on any working-parent programs you have access to. Be ready to dig deep—to be an investigative reporter. Even organizations that pay up to give their employees fantastic family benefits can be lousy at communicating them. It’s perfectly common to have to go to eight different places on your company’s intranet to learn about five different family benefits. Hunting down and reviewing benefits literature is no joyride, but don’t be deterred, because ignoring the supports and savings that might be available to you is essentially the same as tossing your paychecks into the shredder. If there is an emergency backup care plan, a special system for setting aside pretax dollars for childcare expenses, lactation facilities, a flexible-work option, a back-from-leave mentoring program, or any other parent-friendly benefit, now’s the time to get smart on it.
• Planning your leave.  This involves educating yourself on the type and amount of leave available and developing a high-level plan for what will happen while you’re out. (For a detailed explanation of how to plan, take, and return from leave, turn to chapter 3.)

Throughout the entire time you’re expecting, make certain to continue:

• Delivering workplace wins.  With so much excitement and so much going on during this period, it can be easy to let your eye wander a bit off the professional ball—to not contribute as actively, energetically, or creatively as you could. Yet doing a terrific job now is the best way to gain flexibility and understanding later. If your boss sees you as a fantastic contributor, he’s much more likely to accommodate that flex-work request, and not blink when you’re unavailable on the day the baby’s sick. Keep doing good work, keep going the extra mile—and keep letting other people know about it.
• Paying attention to your professional brand.  It’s fine—in fact, it’s a good thing—to refer to your upcoming arrival, and to express excitement about becoming a parent. But remember: you’re there to do a job, and if colleagues feel that you’re more focused on nursery decor or choice of stroller than on your work, that doesn’t put you in the best light.
• Using future-framed statements.  Examples would be ones that begin with “As soon as I’m back from leave,” “Next year,” “Once we’ve completed the product launch,” etc., which will send subtle but powerful cues to your boss and colleagues that you’re focused, committed, and around for the long term.

… and what can wait

Dealing with insurance documentation and creating a written parental-leave coverage plan may feel like milestone, Code Red tasks, or ones you’ll want to bang out early. In reality though, they’re straightforward, and if you’ve already managed to announce your impending arrival with confidence, collaborated well with your boss on your general leave plans, and are doing a terrific job, they’re really just paperwork and can be handled quickly. Unless you’re a biological mom having health issues or otherwise expecting an early arrival, don’t spend too much time on this stuff until a few months before your due date. If you’re concerned about timing, ask your manager or HR rep if there’s an organizational guideline on when to check these items off your list.

Most important: defer any and all decisions on changes to your schedule, hours, or responsibilities until you’re already a parent, or better yet until you’re back at work after leave. You just won’t have all the information—practical or personal—needed to make fundamental career- and income-related decisions until then, and you may come to regret any professional stakes you drive into the ground this early. Think ahead, but keep all your options open.

Focusing forward

Expecting a new child is a profound, exciting thing: you’re waiting to meet a person who for the rest of your life will be at the center of it. It’s only natural to want to use this time to do things that channel that wonderful sense of anticipation: looking at the ultrasound pictures, getting the nursery set up, planning the baby shower, or enjoying some last-hurrah outings with friends. And with everything you’ve got going on right now—practically, emotionally, and perhaps physically, too—your return from leave and actual debut as a working parent may seem abstract, or really far away.

The efforts you put into working parenthood now, though, will have huge upsides later on. The more you understand how you’ve been wired to think about working parenthood, the more deliberate, conscious, and authentic your choices around it will be. The more insight you have on what’s ahead, the less stressful it will become. The more confident you feel talking with your manager and colleagues now, the easier working-parent conversations with them are likely to be later. By paying attention to working parenthood before it actually starts, you give your family—and yourself—an important gift for the future.