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Sole or Almost-Sole Earner

Succeeding in Two Places

You’re a SASE—a Sole or Almost-Sole Earner. Which means that your partner either is a full-time parent or has a much more flexible and less-well-paid job, and shoulders most of the burden at home. In terms of workparenting, you get off easy in a way. Maybe you don’t have to worry about relieving the sitter, fixing the school lunches, or scrambling to coordinate work calendars. But you do face other working-while-parenting pressures, and very real ones. You want to get ahead at work and be a good parent, don’t you? Some of those tensions and pressures may be obvious, others subtle. Either way, there aren’t tons of people with whom you can be open and really get at them—which is exactly what we’ll do right now.

In the following pages is a baker’s dozen of Key Questions that capture the range of common SASE-workparent concerns, both apparent and unspoken. Each comes with additional drill-down queries to further stimulate your thinking, as well as coaching pointers that will help you move toward any needed action. All together, these prompts ensure that you’re approaching workparenting carefully and thoroughly: looking around all the corners, maximizing your impact with job and kids, building confidence as you go. In other words, self-coaching.

You can hold the first iteration of this important conversation solo, in your own head. As you work through the questions, simply jot down your reflections and reactions. The next round, however, needs to happen with your partner, reflecting and incorporating both of your views. Before kicking things off, be aware that while there’s some general advice provided here, there aren’t any prescriptive answers. You’ll hear from a few experienced SASE mothers and fathers who will share their own outlook and experiences, but this is your life, career, and family. You’ll do your own thinking, and that will lead you to the right calls.

Big Picture

Question 1: Why?

Drill-down:

  • Why did we select—or adopt—the SASE model?
  • What benefits does it bring me, us, the kids, our whole family unit?

Coaching pointer(s):  The greater your sense of purpose and upside, the greater your motivation, and the greater speed and confidence with which you can make decisions, large and small. Maybe you’re SASE workparenting to accommodate the above-and-beyond demands of your job, or to take better care of a child with special needs, or because you both prefer to “divide and conquer.” Maybe you fell into it—and found it works. Whatever the case, be clear.

Question 2: Is it new, or temporary?

Drill-down:

  • If so, how do we need to adapt?

Coaching pointer(s):  If one of you has decided to stay home, that’s more than a job change: it also typically requires changes in care, responsibilities, schedule, budget, communications, and so forth. Be certain you’ve rebalanced everything you need to.

‘‘We swapped roles in March of last year. Before, I was at home, and that was a good fit for a long time, but I started to miss the adult interaction and cognitive stimulation. The cost of childcare was definitely a factor in my husband’s becoming a full-time parent when I went back to work, but it wasn’t the only one.

Because we’ve both done both roles, we understand each other. I recognize the impact my husband has on my career right now. I appreciate having someone there who can take care of the kids, the laundry, parent-teacher. And I also understand that he’s ready to take a break from caregiving when I get home.”

—Caitlin, account executive, mother of two

Question 3: What’s my identity in this arrangement?

Drill-down:

  • How do I see myself?
  • Do I worry about how others see me? Us?

Coaching pointer(s):  Are you the proud career warrior/sole breadwinner? Maybe the role feels natural—or strange, or it contradicts the norms of your tribe, however you define it. Try calling out the ways SASE feels like me, awkward, comfortable, difficult; the ways SASE fits expectations of others, contradicts expectations of others.

Question 4: Is our family going to stick to this model, or change in the future?

Drill-down:

  • If “stick to it,” are there other factors or events that would lead us to reconsider?
  • If “change in the future,” what’s the time horizon, and what needs to happen between now and then?

Coaching pointer(s):  What if you disliked your job, or had another child, or your economic picture suddenly shifted? If your partner plans to be back at work in a year, what’s the job-search plan? This kind of “if/then” thinking can help smooth the path ahead.

Question 5: What’s our financial plan?

Drill-down:

  • Are we saving enough? Do we have a financial cushion?
  • What happens if my job/career goes away?

Coaching pointer(s):  If things feel steady and stable, that’s great—but make sure you’re able to weather setbacks and reversals without undue strain or worry. That may involve cutting back.

On the Job

Question 6: Do I have a good board of directors?

Drill-down:

  • Do I have a trusted group of people who 1) are career savvy, 2) have my best interests in mind, and 3) are willing to give me no-holds-barred perspective and advice?

Coaching pointer(s):  You’re carrying an entire family’s economics and future, here. Progression, risk-taking, self-advocacy, conflict with the higher-ups, job change: you need some mechanisms and supports to ensure that you’re approaching all those things in the right way.

‘‘I was considering a new role—a kind I hadn’t done before, and that came with business development pressure. I called up six or eight people I trust, who I see as mentors, and we talked through the decision, and the risks. That helped me check and validate my thinking. It created a buffer.”

—Brant, chief information officer, father of seven

Question 7: What kind of touch points am I having with the other workparents at my job/organization?

Drill-down:

  • How am I harnessing the interpersonal connective magic—the “secret handshake”—of working parenthood?
  • How do the other folks at work perceive me as a workparent?

Coaching pointer(s):  These days, it’s standard to be juggling career and kids. If you don’t acknowledge that, or come off as immune to or unthinking about that challenge, it may be harder to form relationships with certain colleagues, or gain the leadership following you want to, or develop the most compelling professional brand. You may be perceived as clueless or unsympathetic, or worse, be written off as out of touch or even biased—even if none of those things is actually true.

So: How are you discussing your experience? Are you ignoring it, discounting it, or apologizing? Using words like fortunate or luxury to describe the fact that you have a partner focused at home? Are you involved with the workplace efforts and activities that other working parents are? When’s the last time you had an honest-to-god conversation about working parenthood with a colleague who has a completely different life than you do at home? Are you visibly trying to understand other workparents around you? Help them out? How, while staying authentic, can you relate to other working moms and dads?

At Home with the Kids

Question 8: What message are we sending?

Drill-down:

  • When, one day, our children do the Workparent Template exercise in chapter 1, what will they say about our family?

Coaching pointer(s):  You don’t want it to be a surprise.

‘‘As soon as I come through the door at home, I try to quickly assess, to read where the energy is. How is everyone, and what’s happening? My wife and I don’t lock ourselves into roles. Our approach is to support each other—to say, ‘I got you.’ I’ve learned to switch work off, get in there, and do what my family needs.”

—Robert, learning specialist, father of three

Question 9: How am I connecting with my children?

Drill-down:

  • Are there any ways to “amp up” the time I do get at home? To feel and be more there in the kids’ lives?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how present and engaged do I feel with my kids? How could I push that up a few notches?

Coaching pointer(s):  To be a present parent while SASE-workparenting, you’ll need to be deliberate. So, how do you:

  • Use routines, habits, activities, and rituals to bond with the kids?
  • Express love?
  • Spend time with each child alone?
  • Ensure that the kids feel connected to you?
  • Use your “power windows”: mornings, evenings, and weekends?

Managing Myself

Question 10: Under what (difficult) circumstances do I prioritize work over my kids? My kids over work?

Drill-down:

  • Important meeting versus school concert: Which wins?

Coaching pointer(s):  You may make these choices situationally and instinctively, or have special criteria or a “system.” The benefits of the latter are that your colleagues and kids can both understand and better anticipate your decisions—and are less likely to be disappointed.

Question 11: What don’t or shouldn’t I do? What’s not a good use of my time?

Drill-down:

  • I’m supporting our family and 100 percent committed to my children—both of which are huge priorities. What’s not such a huge priority? What do I ignore/delegate/let drop so I can focus on the Big Stuff?

Coaching pointer(s):  Try identifying what work and home tasks you’ll never or rarely take on. (Attending business conferences? Doing your taxes? Cooking?) Then, think what personal projects or items you’ll still engage with, but minimize so you can focus more on your career and kids. (Volunteering? Social media?)

Question 12: What do I fear? What am I missing out on?

Drill-down:

  • It’s fifteen years from now. Regrets: name them.

Coaching pointer(s):  Look over the list of common regrets, below: What could you do now to avoid them?

  • Financial security was important, but I prioritized it too much/often.
  • Given the support I had at home, maybe I could have tried to “go for it” more, careerwise.
  • I kept “rainbow thinking”: telling myself I’d spend more time at home after the next raise/promotion/etc.
  • The kids often experienced me as gruff, stressed, remote, or preoccupied.
  • I was so busy providing and parenting that I didn’t spend enough time with my partner.
  • The kids and my partner had “their own thing” and I wasn’t a part of it.

Question 13: How am I building my own resilience?

Drill-down:

  • How do I ensure that I can keep delivering at or above my current pace, at work and home?

Coaching pointer(s):  If my battery runs too low, this whole machine stops! How do I prevent that? What personal activities and approaches will help? Exercise, friendships, spiritual practices, vacations? How much time can and should I be devoting to these battery-recharging activities?

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