Introduction

It’s not about being right. It’s about getting it right.

—Elizabeth Spelke

Ninety percent of your life is spent saying and doing the right things without a second thought. You do not need to think. Your core intelligence, manners (refined by years of practice), and good old-fashioned “people skills” take over, navigating you expertly through or around almost every scenario you encounter.

We did not write this book to help you Get It Right when the situation is simple and straightforward. You have likely already mastered those skills. And even if you have not, not every situation requires perfection or your best version of Self.

When a Situation Becomes a Moment That Matters

But some situations bring higher stakes. Depending on how they play out, these situations can turn catastrophic—or catalyzing—for your personal or professional success and even for the larger causes you serve. They may secure—or destroy—your relationships and outcomes. These situations do require your best.

If you leave them to the whim of chance or a habitual reaction, you may never achieve your desired goals or initiate positive change. In fact, you may sabotage those efforts.

Because of the huge potential in these situations, we refer to them as Moments That Matter (MTMs). For purposes of this book, MTMs are situations that are:

Important (the outcome matters to your well-being or success)

Complex (there is no simple solution)

Relational (the situation involves at least one other person)

MTMs often involve opportunities—situations that, if navigated well, can bring greater success.

Think of your annual appraisal, an opportunity to showcase your performance and possibly advance your career. You cannot expect a favorable, glowing review unless you have managed to Get It Right When It Matters Most throughout the year. And, you likely cannot expect a future promotion if you blow a fuse and tell off your boss during your review (another MTM).

Or consider a broader issue—like initiating social change. As political and ideological biases may incite conflict, how can you influence outcomes, navigating differences to constructively take collective action?

Other opportunities might include developing relationships with your soon-to-be in-laws or the stakeholders of a project you oversee. For some of us, our greatest opportunities lie in the form of repetitive issues that always seem to end with the same bad results. We cannot expect to achieve different results until we find a way to Get It Right in our MTMs.

We wrote this book to help you take control and Get It Right—when autopilot is not enough. This book will help you identify, prepare for, and successfully navigate MTMs—bringing Your Best Self forward to initiate positive change.

What We Have Here is an MTM!

Fred is a manager with a midsized, Midwest manufacturing company. Fred’s wife begged him for weeks to “put in a good word” for her brother Kevin at the plant. Fred finally agreed to take Kevin’s resume to human resources.

Kevin got hired into another department working for Annette, and that is when Fred’s real troubles began. Kevin proved unreliable, showing up late twice during his first week and missing a day without calling in sick the week after. When Kevin showed up, his performance was poor to average at best.

Yesterday, Annette marched into Fred’s office.

“You really stuck me with Kevin. What were you thinking? Should I try to get my dead-beat brother-in-law hired and have him work in your area?” Annette said in a huff.

This situation was complex, lacking any clear solution. The outcome was important to Fred’s reputation at work and his personal well-being, as he recommended Kevin. Finally, it was relational. Kevin’s performance put Fred between the rock of his wife and the hard place of his peer and organization.

How Fred handled this situation mattered to his present and future. This was an MTM!

Beyond Personal

As this book was being written, the COVID-19 pandemic hit, highlighting vast differences in approaches, values, experiences, and perspectives. Months later, the United States responded to the tragic death of George Floyd, spurring protests and even riots. Then, the 2020 United States’ presidential election brought forth further division and critical unrest. Leaders at multiple levels faced multiple and ongoing MTMs in handling the responses, policies, and communication around these situations.

How can we navigate bigger issues that are important, complex, and relational—and inform the solution? Equipping ourselves to be part of a change starts with applying the self-leadership principles in this book.

To discover if this book is right for you, read the following situations, and ask yourself if any of them sound familiar. Take note of any you have experienced in the last six months.

When discussing important issues with others who have strong and differing opinions, do you feel ill-equipped to engage in productive, quality conversations?

Does your first response to a negative, unplanned conflict during a crisis sometimes bring out the worst instead of the best of you?

Do you wish you could be part of the solution to the problem instead of a bystander or instigator?

Do you have the same arguments with the same people, only to suffer the same consequences: strained relationships and a failure to hit your goals?

During your most challenging situations, have your emotions hijacked your clarity and decision-making?

Do you function as a superstar individual performer, but recognize that your work success is increasingly dependent on your relationships and the actions of others?

Is your profession experiencing major changes, and the way you have always done things is no longer sufficient to guarantee your ongoing success?

Do you ever look back on situations and regretfully say, I wish I had said or I wish I had done things differently?

Do you find yourself “writing off” people who are important to your success, because you can never find a way to work things out with them?

Do you often dread people or situations that may put you out of your comfort zone?

If you have answered “yes” to any of these (and most of us have), you can benefit from this book. Given enough time, it only takes a small, unattended leak to sink a boat. Put that boat into a storm, and the leak will grow—increasing the speed of its demise.

First Thought Wrong

Comedian Mark Lundholm has a live routine called “First Thought Wrong.” In difficult situations, our first response is often the wrong one. Consider the driver who cuts you off. Your first thought is likely not, Oh, I hope he’s okay; he’s in such a rush. It’s probably shorter, maybe even four letters with an accompanying hand gesture. Discard that thought, and do not act on it. We will tell you how later! (See www.marklundholm.com for info on this speaker and comedian.)

You have no doubt come across buzzwords like emotional and social intelligence and learning agility. But do you know how to keep your mind clear and balanced during chaos? Do you stay calm when your emotions scream for reaction? Do you offer clarity and insight even in challenging situations? Do you maintain or even build productive relationships in moments of conflict? Do you learn quickly in real time by adapting new skills, behaviors, and beliefs? Do you navigate the ship, even when it is being battered by waves twice its size? Do you recognize how you cannot necessarily change the reaction of someone else—or solve the issue at hand—without first addressing your own biases and responses?

Some books may teach you how to manage your emotions using mindfulness best practices. This concept is not new.

Other books detail how to have complex conversations with others who are important to your success. This concept is also well established.

No other book puts it all together. We will help you to understand Self, choose your best Outlook, select the right Actions, and engage in meaningful Reflection for growth—through a comprehensive cycle that you can apply to any situation that is important, complex, and relational. We will teach you the self-leadership skills you need to Get It Right!

Why SOAR?

Getting It Right When It Matters Most will engage you in the SOAR (Self, Outlook, Action, Reflection) cycle to get to your best destination efficiently and effectively—with all the key players still on board.

As coauthors, we bring more than 50 years of developing people and helping them navigate change. Through coaching, counseling, and training thousands in their most complex work and life opportunities, we noted that these folks came from different backgrounds and were trained in diverse professions.

We spent thousands of hours asking questions and listening to what made these people tick. Their success seemed less tied to the number of training classes they attended, their intelligence quotients (IQs), or their personality types. Those who Got It Right shared a pattern of foundational behaviors upon which all their other actions were built. These behaviors always served them well but were most evident during their most important, complex, and relational situations. In other words, in their MTMs, these people tended to Get It Right more often than everyone else.

We have witnessed firsthand the skills that define and separate these high-potential people. Even if they are not already where they want to be, we have seen how those who develop the practical truths in this book have increased influence along with career and personal success.

By tapping into our professional experience working with some of the most well-known organizations—and standing on the shoulders of the world’s best research—we will share what these people do differently, so you can apply these lessons to your MTMs. We developed the SOAR cycle for self-leadership to help you do just that—SOAR instead of sink—in your MTMs.

Research shows that applying the actionable skills we teach in your MTMs will help you become:

Higher performing in boundary-spanning jobs that require sensitivity to social cues

More effective at resolving conflicts through collaboration and compromise

More likely to be seen as a transformational leader

Perceived as more interpersonally competent

A recipient of more promotions

In addition, these skills will help you in life outside of your career to foster:

Closer relationships and improved communication with the people you care about most

Increased tolerance for ambiguous situations

Are you ready to:

increase your skills in navigating challenging, important situations more effectively?

improve your personal and professional effectiveness?

expand your emotional awareness to increase your agility in real time?

take your leadership skills to the next level?

Are you ready to Get It Right When It Matters Most?

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