Taking Action in Your Moments That Matter
Our results are absolutely connected to our conversations.
—Chalmer Brothers, Language and the Pursuit of Happiness
In the first phase of SOAR, Self, we equipped you to build a strong foundation to engage Your Best Self.
In the next phase, Outlook, we shared how to be on the lookout for the three biases that can skew your perception of MTMs. We equipped you with the skills to understand how MTMs can cause social threats and how to manage your negative emotions through mindfulness. Gaining equilibrium allows you to choose a response (not a reaction) that represents Your Best Self.
But you are not done. You can realize many benefits simply by managing your own emotions and being aware of how your biases can inaccurately distort your MTM. If you apply the lessons from the first two phases, you will gain emotional control of yourself. But, what happens in your MTM, which by definition is important, complex, and involves others (in other words, it does not happen in a vacuum)? Without the right action, your MTM will likely stall. This phase explores those Actions that drive the right results.
Action on the High Seas
After the small craft advisory, the sailing crew left for the Bahamas the next night. That night also brought large swells, as the wind blew hard and the Gulf Stream fought against them. At 3 a.m., under a dim flashlight directed at their course map whipping in the wind, the crew saw trouble ahead. They needed to take Action.
The crew’s Outlook was clear and collectively focused on the goal of getting to the island. Instead of being triggered to fearful reactions, they became mindful that they were veering off course. If they left the sails flying, the wind would carry them dangerously far out to sea for a small boat and novice crew. Due to the wind’s direction, they engaged in an important High-Stakes Conversation (HCS). They listened to one another’s input, and ultimately decided on the shared Action needed: they would bypass the sails and rely on their engine.
They got to work on the solution: fastening the sails down, communicating succinctly throughout. Uncle Paul wrestled the mast while Scott’s wife hung her entire body on the steering wheel to fight the current. Everyone knew the goal (to reach the island by daylight) and the relational and task intentions (to navigate the boat while working as a team).
With the right Self tools (knowing and operating in their strengths), and Outlook (managing their perception biases, staying mindful, and keeping their eye on their intentions and goals)—they took Action together, even amidst rough conditions. They were able to SOAR—and reach the islands the next day in time to catch a fresh fish dinner.
This section will explore Action—how to work together inside your MTM to engage in an HSC and shared steps to reach a goal.
Sometimes Doing Nothing Is the Best Course of Action
David found himself with an MTM involving the performance of a peer on a jointly shared project. As David prepared for his MTM, other matters called for his attention: his daughter broke her arm in soccer, and his boss resigned, leaving the future insecure.
When life interrupts, roll with it. For David, family always came first. As far as his boss resigning, David reminded himself that whatever was going to happen would happen. And, as far as the MTM with his peer, David reminded himself that the issues that created the MTM were not singular. He would see them again, and that is when he would engage—when he was more ready and less distracted.
At times, we all face sudden, emotional MTMs where the best we can do in the moment is to keep our heads: take a pause, control our breathing, label our feelings, remember our best goals and intentions, and close our mouths. While this might look like “inaction” to anyone watching from the outside, your insides know that this requires an enormous amount of thoughtful action.
When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, inaction among millions became the name of the game, as people were ordered to stay home to flatten the curve and save lives. By doing nothing (other than staying home), health-care workers reassured people that they were engaging in the best Action of all.
Do not force the shot. Poorly planned and executed Actions in your MTM can do more harm than good. Pause. Prepare. Be patient. You will be ready next time.
S-O-Action-R
Your MTMs require some Action to advance these situations. What is the primary Action at your disposal? As we previously discussed, your amygdala will only prompt immediate Actions such as fight, flight, or freeze in the social threat of your MTM. Unfortunately, these are not Actions as much as re-Actions to a triggering event, and they are usually not very effective.
After managing your emotions, one Action that most often drives success or failure within your MTMs is how effectively you engage others in conversations. At the heart of any thriving relationship is effective communication.
“Words Create Worlds”
This simple yet powerful quote has been shared by philosophers, theologians, writers, and poets.
Your words are the way you bring to life to your ideas, feelings, thoughts, and hopes. They are the genesis of building communities, companies, causes, and countries. Words have the power to create good and cause harm. Words are the primary way you will build and damage relationships. Something so vital to your success deserves attention. Learning how to use your words within your MTMs is critical to build trust, develop relationships, and experience long-term progress toward your most important goals. Your word choice is fundamental to your success, and you need to pay attention to it.
Think about threading a needle. Given good lighting and appropriate corrective lenses, most people can slip a small thread through the tiny eye of a needle. Now imagine threading a needle when you are holding the thread—and another person is holding the needle.
To be successful in “threading the needle” in an MTM, you need to bring forward Your Best Self along with your best Outlook; but you also need to engage in Actions that create trust and mutual respect. The goal of these conversations is not to win at the expense of the other’s well-being or success. Why? Because the other person is holding the needle! You must work with that person instead of trying to sabotage yourself and the results.
When trying to pass your thread through the eye of the needle held by another person, you need very strong communication, something we call High-Stake Conversations (HSC), which we will address shortly. Those conversations allow you to move your MTM toward the best outcomes.
Too often we think we are having a conversation when we are actually having a monologue. Do you remember when you were a teenager, and your parents had a problem with something you had done? If you do not, you either did not have parents or were much better behaved than the authors of this book! Back in our teen years, when our parents talked with us about a problem like poor grades, breaking curfew, or denting a fender, they did not have conversations with us. They delivered monologues or maybe even diatribes. Our parents often reacted to our behaviors or bad choices out of fear, concern, or frustration. They held all the power. Our role was just to listen, nod, and look contrite. And, more often than not, we would make the same mistake again, to which our parents would respond the same way again.
Monologues do not engage the “listener,” nor do they change behaviors. Successful MTMs require engagement, collaboration, and openness between parties. When an MTM gets real, it is time to engage others in an HSC.
Engaging in High-Stakes Conversations
Simple and transactional conversations are easy. You know how to do these, because you engage in these conversations every day when you:
• Assign tasks: “Can you get me bids from three vendors by the 17th?”
• Check on a status update: “Do you still expect to have that report for me by Friday?”
• Give directions: “I’d like you to check with Procurement to obtain a list of pre-approved vendors…”
• Offer a reminder to your teen: “I noticed that you’re low on gas. Please remember to fill up the tank before you bring the car back tonight.”
• Provide positive feedback around a task: “This is some of your best work. I especially like what you added to the Contracts section…”
• Add your opinion to someone else’s ideas: “As I look at your numbers, I’m not sure you used the latest ones. Please check with Betsy in National Accounts to make sure we are working with the same numbers. If you both have the same tally, it’s ready to roll.”
• Provide helpful information to your significant other: “We are out of the coffee creamer you like. Can you pick some up on the way home?”
After conversations like these, you often forget all about them because they are low-risk and easy. They are memorable only because they are so forgettable!
But do not confuse your everyday casual conversations with HSCs. HSCs are the action tools you use to address your important, complex, and relational MTMs. Success with these more difficult conversations requires a unique set of skills and rigor. When you successfully engage in HSCs, both parties should walk away feeling time was well spent. Everyone should feel a deeper, shared understanding of the intentions and perspective of the other. These types of positive interactions create a foundation of trust and set the stage for creating new insights and shared action for progress.
Because of the complexity and threat we feel when encountering MTMs, it’s easy to slide into the trap of reactive and defensive conversations. Following are some of the most common conversational pitfalls we encounter in HSCs when we feel threatened and react defensively. Have you ever found yourself reacting in any of these ways in a discussion when you have felt triggered?
• Arguing or debating
• Denying the other person’s point of view
• Insisting that you are right
• Citing others as the source of the problem
• Generalizing based on one incident
• Deflecting
• Personalizing
• Shutting down
• Trying to win at all costs
Look at this list and answer: in your HSC, which of these behaviors is your natural default or inclination when you feel your Autonomy, Relatedness, Competence (ARC) are threatened?
Just like you cannot charge your way out of debt, you cannot do the wrong thing and hope that things will change for the better. The right path is one that engages you in a two-way dialogue, providing both parties the emotional safety to “lay their cards on the table” while establishing trust.
You will never reach your full potential, professionally or personally, until you master having HSCs.
Given this fact, it is hard to understand why our schools, universities, and workplaces invest significantly more time and resources developing technical skills and, by comparison, very few resources on developing skills for effective conversations.
A Crash Course in High-Stakes Conversations
In the Action phase, you will learn how to engage others in HSCs that:
• Guard against your built-in perception biases
• Provide greater clarity about how others perceive your MTM
• Demonstrate empathy and build trust with key stakeholders
• Navigate negative emotions and defensiveness
• Clearly state your perspectives and ideas
• Generate insights for shared solutions
• Listen to understand
• Define coordinated action(s)
Think back to an important, complex, and relational MTM when you had an HSC with a boss, colleague, family member, or friend. During this HSC, you felt heard, respected, and understood. You felt that your needs and wants were recognized, and the environment felt safe for sharing and receiving input. You walked away more aligned, understood next steps, and had energy to move forward. In the end, the conversation led to increased trust, clarity, collaboration, and focus for meaningful action.
Now think back to a frustrating, unproductive HSC you have had with a boss, colleague, family member, or friend. There was no real exchange of perspective, and you did not feel heard, leading you to either withdraw or dominate. You walked away more frustrated, with little clarity on meaningful next steps and no energy or desire to move toward a shared goal. In the end, the conversation felt like a waste of time and lessened trust, clarity, collaboration, and focus. Chances are you felt demotivated and angry.
Now reflect on the differences between these two HSCs. How did the successful and unsuccessful conversations differ in how they played out? What can you do to be more effective at engaging others within these HSCs?