CHAPTER 9

Asking Quality Questions

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

—Maya Angelou

“Before you judge a person, walk a mile in her shoes.” This saying acts as a reminder to practice empathy. But what is at the core of empathy, and why is it so crucial for your High-Stakes Conversation (HSC)?

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Research emphasizes that you must tap into empathy to exhibit emotional and social intelligence for healthy relationships. It should come as no surprise that empathy is the cornerstone for effectively engaging in HSCs.

Remember, your MTMs are relational, which means you cannot sail the high seas alone and expect to SOAR.

Why Empathy? Just Google It

Don’t take our word for it that empathy matters—even off the high seas. Consider a recent research project by one of the world’s largest and most successful organizations. Google wanted to know the secret to building a more productive team, so the tech giant created a task force to uncover those productivity must-haves. The project, known as Project Aristotle, took several years and included interviews with hundreds of employees. It analyzed data about the people on more than 100 active teams. The task force looked hard to find a magic formula, but it turned out not to be that simple. They hit one brick wall after another, as their hypotheses kept proving wrong. Just because a team was made up of high intelligence quotients (IQs), big achievers, or nice people did not mean they could come together to produce good results. Even the classic suspects of clear goals, roles, and team structure proved necessary but insufficient to predict the highest level of success.

They kept digging until they uncovered the one factor that stood out above all others, despite numerous other variations—a culture characterized by psychological safety. The strongest teams were not filled with the brightest minds or hardest workers; the number one factor that led to team success was psychological safety defined by the following characteristics:

People were skilled at reading emotions based on nonverbal cues. If a team member appeared uneasy with a decision, it was noticed and discussed. If someone appeared down, others showed concern and support. These conversations are not always easy, but they are important. They allow us to be authentic and engaged.

Each person spent roughly the same amount of time speaking during conversations. No one ran away with a discussion, and everyone’s thoughts were considered. This practice reflects a shared belief that everyone has something valuable to contribute. And when everyone shares their knowledge and ideas, the group’s collective intelligence grows. That leads to better results (Duhigg 2016).

But I Do Not Work at Google!

You might read how Google creates psychological safety and say to yourself, “Dang. That sounds nothing like where I work! When we are in meetings, most people ignore signs of discomfort and tend to steamroll over people’s thoughts and ideas that are different from their own.”

Remember this: someone must lead the way. If you long for this type of culture, you can be the leader who notices when a team member seems to have something to say. You can be the leader who elicits the views of others and strives to create psychological safety. And if you do, those who have felt voiceless and irrelevant will thank you.

Google’s data-driven approach highlighted this fact: the best teams respect one another’s emotions and are mindful that all members have something valuable to contribute and should be heard. These team outcomes are built on the desire to understand the feelings of another.

Google’s most effective teams—meaning the ones that consistently outperform others—are made of individuals who actively demonstrate empathy, creating an environment of psychological safety for their members.

Hint: Trust and Empathy Are About Others

In his book, Trusted Advisor, David Maister presents research on how a person’s self-orientation as perceived by others is the most important factor in either losing or building trust (Maister et al. 2002). Self-orientation refers to your focus when engaging others. Is your primary focus on your needs, or do you also demonstrate actions that show compassion? Research confirms that the single most effective way to increase trust is to demonstrate a desire to understand others’ perspectives and needs.

Do those you interact with in your MTMs believe you understand and have their best interests at heart, or do they feel you are leveraging the MTM only for selfish gain? If you are perceived as focused on only your own interests, trust will remain low. To build trust, you must approach your MTM with Action that demonstrates a self-orientation of “we” versus “me.”

Neuroscientists have learned that we possess something called “mirror neurons,” a type of brain cell that responds the same way whether we perform an action or watch someone else perform that action (Winerman 2005). Do you know the face someone makes when smelling something bad? Just seeing them causes us to mirror their expression as if we were smelling the same foul stench. Similarly, we tend to flinch when we see someone else getting smacked in the face. Talk about a “meeting of the minds!” That is what empathy is: feeling alongside of another.

Empathy, the Equalizer

When Tim Ryan, a recovery activist, author of From Dope to Hope: A Man in Recovery, and feature of the A&E special, “Dopeman” talks to someone with addiction, he pulls no punches. But there is a reason why: he empathizes.

“The best recovery counselors aren’t those with the best degrees. They are the ones who’ve lived in addiction. I’ve lived through hell, so I know what someone with addiction thinks. When I say, ‘Addiction will lead you to recovery, prison, or a graveyard,’ they know I’m not just blowing smoke. I went to prison, twice. I overdosed and nearly killed a family in the process. Without recovery, I wouldn’t be here.”

“And I lost my son, Nick, to a heroin overdose,” Tim shares. “I’m sick of burying people. I’ve dedicated my life to helping others, because I know what they feel, and I don’t want to sit with another grieving parent if I can help it.”

As Tim demonstrates, empathy is not passive. It is a driving force that propels involvement or coming alongside someone to inspire change (Carbonara and Ryan 2020).

In your MTM, you have little control over how others will show up. They may be triggered and reactive, or calm and concise. They may exhibit all these different reactions within one conversation. But you are 100 percent in control of how you show up. When you come forward with empathy, you bring a mindset that helps you better understand others’ perspectives and become more curious about why they have negative reactions. Generating empathy lays the groundwork for building trust and working together toward innovative solutions for positive change.

Empathy does not stop developing in childhood. We can nurture its growth throughout our lives. This is great news! It means we can evolve. But how? Asking Quality Questions demonstrates empathy and “walking a mile in someone else’s shoes” during your HSCs.

Empathy and Quality Questions

The problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking that created them.

—Albert Einstein

You demonstrate empathy when you ask Quality Questions throughout your HSC.

Quality Questions are those that promote thoughtful reflection about the issue at hand.

They can surface underlying assumptions, invite new possibilities, and create a foundation of trust for generating positive change.

Asking Quality Questions throughout your HSC allows you to:

Stay in learning rather than judgment mode. If you are asking a question, you aren’t rushing to provide the answer or solution—or take on the challenge.

Avoid triggering others by creating a setting where others feel included, autonomous, competent, valued, respected, and safe.

Improve listening that encourages attentiveness and shared perspectives. To ask is to show interest, and people want to know they matter.

Heighten understanding of key aspects of people and relationships, reinforcing the idea that everyone is important—and that success involves serving one another.

Acknowledge the feelings of others to view all sides and prevent defensiveness.

Uncover the challenges you are facing, creating a clearer view of the situation prior to telling others your perspectives.

For any of this to work, you must bring a willingness to listen and be influenced. You should only ask questions if you are prepared to listen and respond to what is actually being said. Unfortunately, we often ask questions to elicit a specific, predetermined answer, so we feel like we checked off the box of “soliciting input.” If you have already made up your mind and will not be swayed on your perspective or decision, then do not ask for input just to get validation or be perceived as inclusive. Asking others for their perspectives just because you think it makes you look like you care about their opinions will drive others to feel deceived, which as stated will create a “me” versus “we” perspective that undermines trust.

Listen to Hear and Adapt, Not Win

Nurse supervisors Anne and Tammy got charged with increasing hospital staff compliance around handwashing after a recent increase in the spread of infectious diseases spread from patient to patient. They decided that Anne would assess the current state by observing nurses on the ward and getting a baseline on compliance. Tammy would assess other possible causes for the spread of infection, like making sure all soap dispensers were full and functioning. Then the two would meet to create an action plan.

Anne: “So, based on what I observed, our current compliance is about 70 percent compared with the World Health Organization’s average rate of just less than 40 percent. That means we’re better than average, but still terrible.”

Tammy: “I’m not surprised. Three of the dispensers don’t work, and another four were out of soap when I checked. I think we need a process in place to report, refill, and/or replace broken or empty dispensers.”

Anne: “That’s a part of it, but do you really think a broken or empty dispenser would stop a nurse from doing what she’s supposed to do?”

Tammy: “Well, if it’s not easy or convenient, some nurses won’t go out of their way.”

Anne: “Really? Infections work both ways. If nurses don’t care enough to prevent themselves from touching infected surfaces, why would they care if they pass something on to a patient? I don’t think that’s the answer.”

Tammy: “But it’s part of the problem.”

Anne: “No, I think the answer is peer pressure. We need to teach the compliant nurses to get on those who are sloppy. So, here’s what I think we should do…”

No doubt, you have been in meetings similar to this example, where someone asked rhetorical questions often designed to embarrass, shame, or bulldoze the opinion of another. If you have been Tammy, you know how this makes you want to give up and shut up, which is sad. Just as sad is, if you have been Anne, you might even think that you did a great job, and then you would be surprised when you didn’t get the results you expected.

Those most skilled at HSCs try to see things from another person’s point of view, appreciate conflicting opinions and personalities, and agree to disagree. They manage all this while consistently remaining respectful, regardless of differences of position or authority. But how? They start with Quality Questions, ones that demonstrate empathy and keep the conversation going long enough to generate resolution.

The Art of Higher-Quality Questions

Understanding the “what” and “when” of a quality question is achievable to anyone who wants to improve their HSCs. Choosing the right type of question and when to ask it can make a critical difference in either opening minds or narrowing possibilities.

What skills are needed to master the art of quality questions? The following are the skills we believe are most critical:

Focus on understanding rather than judgment

Start with open-ended questions

Ask investigative follow-up questions

Ask paraphrasing closing questions

Balance asking and telling

Focus on Understanding Rather than Judgment

It is important to understand the difference between a question that focuses on understanding versus one laced with judgment. Questions that contain judgment threaten others’ self-esteem. They negatively impact others’ Autonomy, Relationships, and Competence (ARC) and can put them in a reactive fight-or-flight state. That is not a great way to create safety for sharing perspectives in an HSC. You cannot stop people from being defensive, but you can control your words, so you don’t trigger others’ defensiveness. Can you find the judgment in the following questions?

Why haven’t you……?

Have you thought about……?

What is the problem here?

Don’t you know better than that?

Who isn’t keeping up?

Why are you failing at…….?

Why do you always......?

How do you keep on dealing with that person or group or situation?

You wanted to do it all by yourself, didn’t you?

If she is causing trouble, why haven’t you……?

What do you think you should do about this problem person?

Why is X so much better than Y?

Don’t you agree that………?

Because of the nature of our thinking, many of our first attempts at questions have judgments built in, either explicit or implicit, which may or may not be shared by the others within our HSC.

To formulate Quality Questions, it is important to become aware of judgments and use them appropriately. So, contrast the question, “What did you do wrong?” with “What have you learned?” The first question assumes error and blame; it is a safe bet that whoever is responding will feel threatened. The second question encourages reflection and is much more likely to stimulate learning and collaboration.

It is often helpful to examine a question for any unconscious beliefs or judgment you may have, because they will impact your HSC. You can do so by simply asking yourself, “What assumptions or beliefs am I holding that are key to the conversation that I want to have?” and “How do these assumptions and judgments impact my long-term goals and in-themoment intentions?” Each of these questions invites an exploration into both conscious and unconscious judgment and opens space for new possibilities to reveal themselves.

Start with Open-Ended Questions

Start your HSC with open-ended questions. In the next chapter, we will explore the steps of HSCs and how Quality Questions are used throughout. For now, understand that the benefit of open-ended questions is that they allow you to find more than you anticipate; people may share motivations that you didn’t expect and mention behaviors and concerns you knew nothing about. When you ask people to explain things, they often reveal surprising assumptions, perspectives, problem-solving strategies, hopes, fears, and much more.

There is a specific anatomy for open-ended questions. See the following:

“Who,” “what,” “where,” “when,” “how,” or “why” questions lead to thoughtful answers that provide much more information. Because how, what, and why questions are broader, they are better questions than those that jump into the more specific questions of where and when.

Figure 9.1 illustrates the spectrum of these questions.

image

Figure 9.1 Closed- and open-ended questions

Yes/No Versus Why?

A favorite tool used by lawyers in the courtroom is the Yes/No question. The reason they like these questions is the same reason these questions fail when trying to gain perspective: Yes/No shuts out the possibility of hearing unwanted explanations, points of view, or details. Yes/No questions, by design, lead a person to answering down a very narrow corridor, one stripped of nuance or perspective.

The authors admit that while they don’t practice law in the courtroom, they sometimes use the same approach as parents of teens:

Dad: “Did you take my car without asking?”

Teenager: “Yes, but…”

Dad: “Just Yes or No. And did you think I wouldn’t find out?”

Teenager: “Well, I…”

Dad: “Just Yes or No.”

Teenager: “Well, I didn’t think about it.”

Dad: “That’s the problem. You don’t think. Isn’t that right?”

It is hard to imagine this line of questioning leading to a warm embrace, right? While Yes/No questions get to a version of the facts, they miss most of them. For example, what if the teen’s mom gave permission for the teen to go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription? Yes/No questions don’t allow for critical details to surface.

On the other end of the spectrum, why questions are important for understanding one’s purpose and intentions, especially when they come from a place of genuine curiosity and interest like, “I wonder why that happened?”

Just be careful with frequently asking questions that begin with “Why.” Asking a series of why questions without fully established trust can leave a person feeling defensive, as if you expect that person to justify her actions.

By using words on the right side of the continuum in Figure 9.1, we can make many of our questions more open-ended. For example, consider the following sequence:

Are you satisfied with our relationship?

When have you been most satisfied with our relationship?

What is it about our relationship that you find most satisfying?

Why do you think our relationship has had ups and downs?

Open-ended Quality Questions provoke thoughtful exploration and creative thinking. Start your HSCs with broader scope questions to encourage new ideas and possibilities.

Ask Follow-Up Questions and Listen

After starting with open-ended Quality Questions in your HSC, investigate deeper by asking follow-up questions. This skill shines a light on others’ best thinking and insights. Follow-up questions hold special power. They signal that you are listening, care, and want to know more. People interacting with someone who asks lots of follow-up questions feel respected and heard. An unexpected benefit of follow-up questions is that they do not require much preparation, because they come about naturally if your true intention is to create deeper understanding.

Intellectual Curiosity

Stephen Mueller served in the Middle East with the U.S. Marine Corps. When he and his fellow Marines had downtime, they visited historic sites. On one occasion, they ventured into the city of Petra in southern Jordan. As soon as they arrived in the historic city, most of the Marines went inside the numerous tourist traps to look for souvenirs and trinkets. When they finished, they noticed that Stephen was not with them. His fellow Marines searched for him in all the shops before breaking into smaller squads to find him.

A few minutes later, one squad entered a tent at the fringe of the city. Inside the tent, they found Stephen on the ground drinking tea with his host. The two of them were discussing Bedouin history and local legends.

Stephen later said, “My favorite part of traveling the Middle East was to sit with the locals and learn from them. I could listen to them for hours” (Carbonara and Mueller 2019).

People with intellectual curiosity ask better questions—Quality Questions—and get more relevant, meaningful answers.

The art of asking great follow-up questions lies in your ability to allow for silence. Follow-up questions dig deeper into another’s thinking by asking an additional question such as “What else do you think about the situation?” “What makes you say that?” “Would you say more about that?” or “Could you give me an example?” Get comfortable with asking an open-ended quality question, waiting for and listening to a response, and then waiting some more for the dam to break. If you resist the need to fill the gaps in the conversation, often the other person will reveal more meaningful information.

Too often, our insecurity with silence rushes us to fill in the gap, which never allows your conversation partner to construct his entire response. Impatience causes both you and your conversation partner to miss the good stuff. Allowing others to think more deeply about what you are asking helps them articulate the thinking behind their perspective and intent. Using basic tell me more questions helps people go deeper. Here are some examples:

Can you tell me more about that…?

What exactly does that mean for you?

How does this relate to what we have been talking about?

What do we already know about this?

How does that impact you achieving your desired outcome?

Can you give me an example?

Can you rephrase that, please, so I can be sure that I understand what you mean?

Paraphrase and Ask Closed-Ended Questions

Closed-ended questions hold limited response options. Typically, they begin with “would,” “should,” “is,” “are,” and “do you think,” which lead to “yes” or “no” answers.

Closed-ended questions, when misused, can shut down conversation, but they still have a place within your HSC. They can be strategically used to ensure you and your HSC partner align in shared understanding about what was said and what it means.

Closed-ended question should almost always be paired with paraphrasing, which is stating back, in your own words, what you understood the other person has said. Effective paraphrasing clarifies misunderstanding before moving on to another topic.

Start paraphrasing from the “I” perspective, so your conversation partner knows that you own your perception of what they said. Your perception might be different than what the speaker said or intended to say. Paraphrasing usually begins with the following types of phrases:

So what I hear you saying is…

What I understand you to say is…

If I understand you correctly, you are saying…

Are you saying ... or ...?

Let me make sure I’m following, you are saying...?

You seem to feel strongly that...

Effective paraphrasing is followed by a closed-ended question to ensure agreement and check that your assumptions are correct. An example is, “So what I hear you saying is that you are frustrated by the lack of response from my team when you have made a complaint about xyz. Is that correct?” (Note the open-ended Yes/No question at the end.) This practice shows transparency, which builds trust and allows for adjustment of your assumptions if incorrect.

Balance Asking and Telling

A conversation is a flow that requires participants to be in sync; it’s a rhythmic dance that unfolds over time. Just as Quality Questions can increase trust, the way you tell your perspectives is part of collaboration. No one wants to be the only one sharing in a conversation. It feels onesided, like an inquisition. Putting someone on the defensive erodes trust. Remember your HSC should reflect joint willingness to share perspectives, intentions, assumptions, and ongoing solutions.

As stated earlier, asking questions demonstrates your willingness to listen, but that does not minimize your role in sharing, as this creates transparency with your HSC partner.

Aim to create an inclusive conversation where everyone has input and influence. Each step of your HSC should appropriately balance asking and telling from each participant, fostering psychological safety and solutions.

Keep in mind that this is your MTM. Stating your perspectives, intentions, and solutions about the MTM requires that you state the facts you know, express your feelings, and share your ideas for action. Here are some quick tips for telling your perspectives during your HSC:

State your assumptions and describe the data that led to your conclusions.

Use “I statements.” (I feel, I believe, I thought, etc.) Do not speak for others. (We feel, everyone believes, they thought, etc.)

Give specific examples of what you propose, even if hypothetical or metaphorical.

Respond by using “Yes,” and statements instead of “Yes,” but, to add to others’ perspectives and increase buy-in.

Encourage others to share their perspectives about your assumptions.

Avoid showing defensiveness when your ideas are questioned.

Even when advocating your own position, stay open and listen; this will encourage others to listen to your point of view and share more candidly.

Scott: Get Good at the Volley

I grew up playing table tennis. When I had no one else to play with, I would beg my sister, Donna, to pick up a paddle. But because I played more than she did, I had more skill. I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to play me when the outcome seemed predetermined.

By accident, I stumbled on a way to get her to play while also helping her improve. I suggested that we see how long we could keep a volley going. At first, I had to slow down my hits so she could return the ball. But as our volleys grew in lengths to hundreds of back-andforths, we found a natural rhythm, and she got better. Heck, I got better! We ended up with more than 700 consecutive returns!

Getting good at creating and asking Quality Questions doesn’t mean you come prepared to an HSC with a list of questions looking for answers, and that you sit quietly, simply asking and listening, until you have finished your list.

The process is reciprocal, like me keeping a volley going with my sister; regardless of who serves the ball, it was a back-and-forth exchange where the goal was to return the volley.

Use Quality Questions to help open your conversation, set the tone, and gain the other’s perspective.

Growth Mindset and Quality Questions

When you master the art of asking Quality Questions, a main benefit is that you foster a growth mindset.

Carol Dweck suggests in Mindset that we can operate in either a fixed or growth mindset. Dweck’s research says people can be split into two categories: those with a “fixed mindset” believe their capabilities are already set, while those with a “growth mindset” believe they can enhance their basic qualities through effort. People who hold a growth mindset believe theirs and others’ intelligence can be developed, that the brain is like a muscle that can be trained. This feeds the desire to learn, grow, and improve (Dweck 2017).

When engaging others in your MTM, bring a growth mindset, believing that you can influence, grow, and impact others.

We all fluctuate between having a growth and fixed mindset. For example, you may have a fixed mindset that you are a terrible singer. You then believe it a waste of time to improve your singing, which is okay, if singing poorly doesn’t affect your goals. But, what if you had a fixed mindset that you couldn’t have a good relationship with one of your children, or your wife or boss? In turn, that would lead to a belief that putting additional effort to improve the relationship would be foolish, as you think this bad relationship will never change.

Whew—wait a minute. Having a good relationship with these loved ones or boss likely really matters to you and your core personal goals. You can shift toward a growth mindset—believing your effort matters and your relationship can be improved. Strive to focus on new ways to engage, understand, and compromise. See how this works?

Quality Questions allow relationships to evolve. It’s hard to keep a fixed mindset when you truly want to learn more about others’ perspectives and generate ideas for future success!

Now that you have the components of Quality Questions, let’s put them into action in your HSCs!

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