CHAPTER 13

Pulling It All Together for Productive Moments That Matter

At this point, some of you might relate to this classic joke: A turtle was crossing the road when he got mugged by two snails. When the police showed up, they asked him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Perhaps you read this book in a few days, and it felt like sipping from a fire hose: too much to take in so quickly! And that might lead you to believe that the SOAR model and its learning points cannot possibly be processed and applied.

It takes time to master new skills, but these principles work.

If you were a sailboat captain trying to SOAR to your destination, we have given you a safe place to practice navigating your boat (Self), testing your systems and sails (Outlook), and planning your route—including how to steer around the cargo ships and storms ahead (Action). Finally, you have planned your next Actions by learning through what you encountered (Reflection).

Read on to see how Sheila (not her real name) applied these truths in action. Here’s how she told it to us.

Sheila’s High-Stakes Conversation (HSC)

After a ton of work and vetting with key stakeholders, Sheila and her team were excited to launch an initiative. So, Sheila sent an email officially informing the executive team about the launch of a new company-wide system designed to improve tracking of project progress while enhancing development of current and future project managers.

Minutes after sending the announcement, Sheila received an email from Alex, an executive who had also copied the executive team, including the chief executive officer (CEO) and Sheila’s manager, stating that his division would “not be participating in this new initiative” because it would not meet “their unique needs.”

“What the &%$?!” Sheila thought as she sat boiling at her desk. “I can’t believe he did this—again!”

Obviously, this was not Sheila’s first rodeo with Alex—who had a habit of verbalizing he was not on board only after witnessing the entire process unfold (while being kept in the loop the whole time). And it certainly was not the first time he had copied the entire executive team about his disapproval of a project Sheila’s area had launched.

What really irked Sheila this time was that she and her team deliberately had worked very closely with Alex’s division. Members of Alex’s team were at every meeting along the way, and they indicated that they understood and agreed with the direction Sheila laid out.

“Thanks, Alex,” Sheila said shaking her head. What she meant was, thanks to Alex, a big, fat MTM got shoved down her throat!

Why was this an MTM for Sheila? Delivering this new process was important to her team’s success for the quarter. Her boss made it her top goal. The situation was also complex, because if there were a way to prevent Alex from acting out like he had just done or to get him on board, Shelia certainly did not know it. And this event was relational, as Alex was an influential executive who had just thrown her new process under the bus. Yup, Sheila knew, this is an MTM, like it or not.

Sheila needed to engage Alex in an HSC.

Sheila Prepares Her Self and Outlook for the High-Stakes Conversation

With each footstep on her way to Alex’s office, Sheila noticed she almost stomped on the floor. She walked into the restroom to slow herself down.

“I’m so angry at him,” she said to her reflection in the mirror. Underneath her anger, she also felt a swell of anxiety. “If Alex doesn’t get on board, I will have failed to achieve this strategic goal,” she acknowledged to herself. Thinking of her ARC, her Competence was threatened. Her Outlook was clouded by her own biases, thinking he was being difficult because his character was flawed.

That is when Shelia stopped. She remembered her own strengths—as a high Achiever according to the Strengths 2.0 assessment she took. She also remembered her value of Collaboration, which drove her to want to try to work with Alex. She recognized that she may have biases at play—and that Alex may have other strengths, such as Communication, which she could tap into.

She paused and then took a few deep breaths, thinking, inhale 1…2…3…4, followed by an extended exhale 1…2…3…4…5…6. After taking three or four deliberate breaths, Sheila felt more balanced and relaxed. Sheila labeled her feelings as angry and anxious about having to engage Alex in this HSC. She acknowledged her pressure to reestablish an effective partnership with Alex (which could lead to a relational threat).

As Sheila turned the last corner before reaching Alex’s door, she reminded herself that her long-term goal was to develop a more productive, trusting relationship with Alex. In her head, Sheila named her intentions for this particular meeting: to make sure Alex feels heard about his concerns and comes to mutually beneficial agreements for moving forward.

Sheila’s High-Stakes Conversation Step #1: Align on the Issue

Sheila knocked on the door frame, and Alex motioned for her to come in.

“Hey, Sheila,” Alex said cheerfully. “Have a seat. I’m guessing this is about my response to your new process.”

“Hi, Alex,” Sheila responded trying to contain her nerves. “You must be a mind reader,” she said with a small laugh.

After clearing her throat, Sheila began speaking again. “Specifically, I would love to hear your concerns about what my team launched. And then I hope to find a way to work together so we can salvage this situation and hopefully work better together down the road.”

Alex nodded. “Sure, I’d be happy to outline in more detail my main concern. And I’d really value being able to get the kind of support we need in my division.”

Alex then began listing off his concerns while Sheila took careful notes. Alex said he wasn’t convinced that this new process would address his project managers’ unique needs. Then, he expressed frustration that he hadn’t been engaged earlier in the process. He said that most corporate projects didn’t ask for feedback until there was a draft proposal, and then it was too late for him to have any real influence. So, he felt that he had little choice but to call it out when the message about the kick-off was sent to the executive team.

“I’m not saying that this oversight was deliberate or personal,” Alex continued. “And again, your area isn’t the only one that tries to launch programs without talking to all of the stakeholders in depth.” Sheila perceived his lack of input earlier in the process as a primary issue with this new process. Sheila quickly confirmed this assumption by paraphrasing that she felt Alex’s lack of input earlier in the process was the primary issue. Alex responded that this was his primary issue.

Now that Sheila had clarity on Alex’s concerns, she tried to better understand Alex’s perspectives around this issue.

Sheila’s High-Stakes Conversation Step #2: Explore Perspectives

In her past encounters with Alex, Sheila had tried to defend her team and challenge Alex’s position. Let us just say that approach did not work out well. This time, Sheila took note of her emotions of frustration and defensiveness. Then she inhaled and recommitted to her personal best intention to make sure Alex feels heard about his concerns and comes to mutually beneficial agreements for moving forward.

Sheila asked Quality Questions to better understand Alex’s take on the “not being engaged earlier” issue of the design process. Sheila asked Alex three questions to get a better handle on his perspective:

By asking these questions and deliberately listening, Sheila gained awareness about his concerns. She learned that Alex wanted to be included earlier in the design of initiatives impacting his division. She also learned that when she or her team came to him with a written draft for feedback, it made him feel defensive, because he felt it was too late to truly influence or provide feedback. Finally, she learned that Alex had emotions! Seeing the proposal late in the game made him frustrated, because he felt input would be useless.

Sheila had no clue these were Alex’s concerns. Most other executives wanted no part of the early design process. Instead, they sent representatives from their team to do this work and provide feedback to a developed draft. But Sheila learned that Alex didn’t just want her to work with his team; he wanted to be personally involved. Sheila did not realize that until her HSC, and she would’ve never known this had she not asked Quality Questions.

Balance Asking for the Other’s Perspective and Sharing Her Own

“I am so glad I asked you about this, Alex,” Sheila said, genuinely excited. “I can see where you thought that I wasn’t interested in your opinions. In reality, I know how busy you and the other executives are. My not reaching out to you was my false belief that, like your peers, you wouldn’t want to talk with me early in the process. I intended to respect your time. Now that I know your desire, I can make this an easy fix moving forward!”

Sheila received this feedback with gratitude. Not only would she love his feedback earlier in the design, but this one change would give her a better way to partner and build a positive relationship with Alex in the future.

Sheila’s High-Stakes Conversation Step #3: Generate Forward-Focused Solutions

Armed with the information Alex just shared, Sheila immediately asked solution-focused Quality Questions. Here is what she asked:

“Great questions,” Alex replied, eager to have a chance to lay out his expectations. “Well, here’s what I would like…”

By the time Alex finished, Sheila learned that Alex wanted input on the scope and early project design but not the day-to-day design. He wanted ongoing progress updates prior to Sheila addressing the executives for feedback and final approval. He offered to meet with her weekly to discuss ongoing updates and provide feedback. He also shared that anytime her department was going to share a broad communication either to Alex’s peers or the organization that she should give him a heads up.

“You know,” Alex concluded, “If you want my full support, I want to see any communication you plan to send to my peers so I can adjust the message to include how you’re working directly with my division. I’m not trying to micromanage your work. But if you have my support, you’ll get the support from my peers.”

Sheila knew that making these “concessions” to Alex would add more time, but she also knew the huge benefit of an executive’s buy-in and feedback would be well worth the investment.

Sheila and Alex agreed that Alex would not receive any broad communications without her getting his feedback. Sheila asked additional follow-up questions about Alex’s preferred way for her to reach out to him and Alex’s receptivity to face-to-face meetings for more complex communications.

Sheila shared her perspective about needing Alex to be responsive, so this agreement would not delay her department’s timelines. Alex understood and said he would make sure he and his team were responsive.

Sheila’s High-Stakes Conversation Step #4: Take Shared Action

Having come this far, Sheila would not leave this HSC without explicit agreements on how to move forward in more aligned, coordinated, and productive ways. Sheila asked Alex one simple question: “What agreements can we make about next steps?”

Alex gave multiple fair and straightforward suggestions. Based on his input, they made the following agreements for coordinated action moving forward:

Regarding the project Sheila just launched and communicated, the two agreed to move forward with the new project management process, as most of Alex’s concerns were about having earlier influence and inclusion in projects that impacted his division. Sheila felt this HSC had moved forward their relationship, as they had gained mutual respect. By clarifying the issue, exploring perspectives, creating solutions, and agreeing on shared action, they had built a solid foundation for future success.

Note: The authors do not wish to belabor Sheila’s story by pointing out how she applied every learning point in this book. Instead, Sheila’s story focuses on the apex of the SOAR model: the HSC. As Sheila demonstrated, applying the right Action to an MTM can make all the difference in the outcome.

Reflecting on It All

As Sheila walked away from her meeting with Alex—and throughout the next several months as they cemented their growing relationship and process—she engaged in ongoing Reflection about their MTM. She asked him for regular feedback on how she was doing in applying his ideas. She contemplated the significance of their conversations, realizing they could gain her greater access to an executive to better understand her senior leaders’ goals and needs. She celebrated their mutual small successes along the way—such as when Alex’s communications person made valuable edits to her proposed upcoming email.

Does Sheila’s story make the process look easy? Hopefully you can see how the major elements of SOAR cycle work together to break down MTMs into simpler actions.

Sheila’s success in her MTM started with checking her emotions and desire to be right at any cost. She worked through her anger and reminded herself of her intentions. Then she played the role of a journalist, asking the right questions to get detailed information from Alex. Finally, her conversation demonstrated willingness to adjust to satisfy Alex, developing their relationship while securing his approval for her project’s launch.

Think of a current MTM you are facing. Review the elements of Sheila’s story that relate to yours. Look at the highlights of Sheila’s process, and visualize having a similar conversation. Realize that the same process can work for you. You have all the tools you need. Now you just need practice!